Raising a daughter... share your wisdom

[Hyggeandhugs]

So as the title suggests, I have a baby DD. I don't have any close family or friends that are raising DDs so I would love to hear your wisdom on how to raise a happy, healthy and wise little girl.

What worked? What do you wish you'd done differently? What should I avoid doing/buying/saying at all cost? I'm grateful for anything you want to share and about any age.

For me

loving her, being there for her, hearing her,guiding her to have self respect and leading by example being financially independent and treating my career as important as my husband treated his. Not being the household skivvy.

placemarking!

Never ever comment on her eating or body shape / size. Defend her from anyone who comments on her body - be that good or bad, she's more than her body. Tell her she's strong and brave, not pretty or kind. Teach her that her words and thoughts are worth the same as everyone's, but everyone deserves her respect.

These are just things I wish my mum had taught me, and I will teach any future DD I would be lucky enough to have.

every One deserves to be told they are beautiful, it doesn’t mean you are not also strong and brave, kindness is also a positive,

please ignore any poster who tries to tell you you should always ignore your child’s appearance and never give them any form of validation.

I appreciate your advice. Do you think it's always potentially harmful to promote being kind, or just if you promote kindness as an alternative to being strong and brave? I guess I thought I might try and encourage all three.

Encourage her to do a sport or hobby outside school. Something you can support her in and that will help her to gain self-confidence. Talk. Listen. Make your home a welcoming place for her friends and make an effort to talk to them and get to know them.

In addition to @monsteronahill - and this is very important - don't be hard on your own body/appearance in front of DD. As she gets older she is looking for signs of what it is to a woman, and too many girls get the idea that part of being a woman is frequently saying that you a fat/ugly/have terrible hair/look so old etc.

My mum was good at avoiding doing this with me, and I seem to have ended up with a lot fewer body image issues than most women (and it's not because I have a perfect body, believe me) and DD has got to 14 without worrying about looks or figure as well, and being very body positive.

I think it's OK to praise girls for kindness and to compliment their looks as long as the latter isn't the majority of the praise that she gets - people do tend to default to praising girls looks before anything else and more often, I'm prety: www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beauty-sick/201711/why-we-need-stop-telling-little-girls-how-pretty-they-are

So don't get to het up about it - just make sure you think of lots of other things to be positive about with her.

@Hyggeandhugs definitely promote all three! I was just trying to express that in my experience it was always just "be kind" over being able to express your own feelings, or take up space in the world. I think you're right - it's a problem when it's done instead of being brave / strong, girls over apologise for things because they're told to be kind, to suppress their feelings to be kind to others etc.

You see it on MN all the time, women who've grown up being told to be kind who end up putting everyone else first to be kind and end up unhappy. I wish my mum had told me that being kind shouldn't come at your own expense - you need to be kind to yourself first!

Agree with @monsteronahill, body image is very important to girls. If I had my time again I'd restrict her SM use a hell of a lot more and put off getting her a smartphone until you judge it to be absolutely necessary. My Dd has body image issues, and we have never commented on her weight or appearance, so I do blame the Internet.

Going on from that: honesty is the best policy. I found out about puberty and growing up in the playground and in books. Mum didn't feel she could talk about it. I made sure DD and I could keep the communication channels open to talk honestly about it.

We have always impressed on her: Do Your Best. Not your friend's best, your cousin's best, or anyone else's, YOUR best. We mean that in her schoolwork, her hobbies, and her personal relationships. Whatever you do, do it to the best of your ability.

Other mantras: You are not defined by the people you keep closest to you. Work hard, build a career, then think about marriage and children. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding your prince/ss. Always pick yourself up after rejection, it's their loss.

@Activelyannoyed

I'm not saying don't tell anyone they're beautiful. But girls are praised for their looks disproportionately - it's not about giving them zero validation, but it's removing that societal expectation that you should be valued simply for being "beautiful" or "pretty". They need to know that they're so much more than how they look.

Then say that, you said the opposite. You said don’t validate it. Comment on something else, we all need validation on all elements, we can be clever and beautiful. We can be kind and strong. We can be Brave as well

and no social media and phones and excluding your child, isolating them is not how to deal with social media. It’s teaching them healthy reactions, what to expect, how to manage it, providing support when they use it. Not controlling, limiting and isolating.

Lots of great advice already, thank you

My girls are still very young but I think its important to do these things from early on so its normal to me as well

1. I try to never talk about body shape/diets in front of my girls, this has also helped my confidence issues as I’m not focused on it

2. compliment them but not just about looks, I don’t want them to grow up thinking its all about looks. i tell them they are smart, or funny, or kind and caring or brave.

3. I don’t force them to hug or kiss any family members if they don’t want to, in my culture its very normal for everyone to grab and kiss and hug your child but I want them to grow ip knowing their body their choice

4)a new one i’m trying recently as I have been extremely short tempered, I apologise to them if I have been very shouty.

I saw a cheesy meme/pic when i had just had my first and usually i’d scoff but it said

‘Speak to your children
as if are the the wisest kindest most magical beautiful human beings on earth For What for what they believe they will Весоме’

it really stuck with me. (Probably the hormones at the time 🤣) but I try to do this.

I don't do anything different with my Dd than with my ds.

Im a big believer in lots of outdoor time so we go out a lot.
They love wildlife so we go places where we can see lots of wildlife.
They have a strong connection with nature and are interested in the world around them.
Reading books and a good education is important to me. They choose whatever they're interested in and we make time for it.
We talk about healthy food and exercise rather than body shape.
I teach them to be considerate rather than kind, to respect others decisions even when theyre different to their own and to know that their views and opinions are valid.
We've spoken about teasing and banter and how not to be too sensitive to it

Realise that almost all lead characters in kids TV, books games etc etc are male and make active decisions to expose your daughter to female role models. Avoid books and TV where women and girls only play supporting roles.

Avoid slogans on tshirts that say “kind” “cute” “daddy’s little princess” etc.

Ignore all of the marketing that tells you that some toys and clothes are only for boys.

If she can’t run, jump, climb or kick a ball wearing it then don’t buy it. Clothes shouldn’t be restrictive and designed to turn girls into ornaments.

Lead by example.
If you know you have weak boundaries, work on them, she’ll copy you.
Be honest. I promised mine I’ll ALWAYS tell her the truth if she asks me.
Teach her about the importance, wisdom and camaraderie between women.
Encourage independence.
Teach her about finances.
Teach her DIY
Teach her how to be kind to herself
Give her a safe space
Never tell her off for mistakes.
Teach her a sport as a mean to decompress. I taught mine to swim and encouraged her to think about stuff that was troubling her whilst doing laps. So now when she says: I need time to think about it, she’ll jump in the pool rather than tossing and turning in the night.
Be very aware of your own issues and be upfront about owning them. My dislikes are real, rational or not, say, eating mushrooms. I always said: I’ll try a bit. I do and then I smile and say: nope, still don’t want any. And allowed her to do the same.

Teach her it’s ok to say no. She’ll say no to meals, to waking up or going to sleep, that’s what they do. It’s ok to say no, we’re not punishing that. No is absolutely fine. We can and will talk about saying no and saying yes in equal measure. The fact that she’s not going to get away with just ’no’ is another story.
Give her time to figure out things by herself. Let her struggle with that puzzle, find the on button on the remote, get bored and decide what she can do to entertain herself.

Oh, and do say sorry to her, and admit when you were wrong.

Read to her. A lot. Instil a love of books over social media. Get outside into nature. Teach her to think critically, to challenge her friends if not overtly then in her own head. Be positive about your own body and all the things it allows you to do. Model high self esteem even if you find that hard, learn how to celebrate your own strengths as an example. Admit when you are wrong, create opportunities for her to grow independence and learn life skills. Be her parent not her friend. Love her.

I have boys not a daughter but the single best thing I have done with them is to make sure that we read a bedtime story every single night. We started this from a very young age just with touch/noise and pop up books and keep it up even though they can now also read fluently. My DH and I take turns but both read to them however busy/tired we are. It is a special time of night when we cuddle up together and have a relaxing story. Passing on a love of reading and keeping books fun is key to developing children as readers. Both mine love books, despite one having initially really struggled to read and I attribute that to us always finding stories and books we think they would love based on their interests, whatever that is at the time. Tonight I've read my 10 year old a chapter of one book and left him reading a chapter of another.

This.
Just the same as for my ds

Teach her what a good friend is and how to recognise when others aren't being good friends to her.

Get her into sports from a young age. So many girls don't play anything and it's great to encourage team work and competitiveness (something which is sometimes frowned upon).

Don't be her friend, be her mum.
Never ever make judgement on her body.
Teach her to be kind, respectful, tolerant and true to herself.
Let her know all the time how much you unconditionally love her.
Make sure she's aware of how much men will harass her, and give her tools to deal with it.
Breathe DEEPLY in the teenage phase, and pick your battles!!
Nobody will ever love your daughter as much as you will x

Compliment her for reasons that have nothing to do with her looks.
So many people say to girls "oh you look so pretty in that dress" or you have such a cute face "
Make it RIGHT NOW be your default to say things like; "you're so clever/funny/kind/thoughtful/amazing"

This is interesting, I have 2 DD and sometimes think I’m clueless on how to bring them up, and dread teenage years! My DM was always encouraging me academically, saying how clever I was, praising me and I constantly felt loved. I feel I’ve grown into a confident person (generally) so I try and copy that example. So I tell them I love them and I’m proud of them all the time. I will always make time to listen to them and not try and force my opinions or expectations on them. I read to them every night, and also agree with posters above who say lead by example in being financially independent, and not being seen as the household skivvy. Our marriage isn’t perfect but me and DH share the cooking and laundry etc equally, and I love that this is the example we are setting for the girls. Any other advice gratefully received!