Raising a daughter... share your wisdom

[Hyggeandhugs]

So as the title suggests, I have a baby DD. I don't have any close family or friends that are raising DDs so I would love to hear your wisdom on how to raise a happy, healthy and wise little girl.

What worked? What do you wish you'd done differently? What should I avoid doing/buying/saying at all cost? I'm grateful for anything you want to share and about any age.

This is so very true. We in fact have a stegosaurus called Alison, a fox called Lucy and a gorilla called Jemima. We do have some boys (Barry the elephant and Gary the doggy).

But I still catch myself defaulting to male pronouns when I am pointing at animals in books etc - it’s very hard not too because it’s just so ingrained.

My DD is still a baby and I have no issue if she wants to have dolls and wear pretty dresses (hopefully they don’t have to be covered in glitter and butterflies though!). But I will also get her toy cars and tool sets and will avoid books where mummy is always in the kitchen baking will and daddy is out being a firefighter or whatever.

TBH I think modelling is the best thing. My partner and I both work full time and do genuinely share all the domestic tasks and childcare so she certainly won’t grow up to think it’s her job to always do the laundry etc!

This is advice for boys and girls. I have worked with the general public in many areas including customer service (Omg 😱), a performer, as a flight attendant, and now in health care. A couple of things I realized when working was that personality gets you a long way but personality is something that people are born with and should be nurtured and encouraged but not really changed. Ie, you get to know your kids and work with their strengths and encourage them. This fosters strong, resilient people. Resilience is sadly lacking these days.

I didn’t really set too many parenting manifestos. Instagram wasn’t a thing then, but looking back, what was important to us as a family and what seems to our kids apart from others (according to teachers, etc.)

1. Empathy… I don’t think it comes naturally. I think it must be taught by modeling and by discussion.

2. Manners. Not fancy pants, oyster fork manners, but your common-courtesy, “Please, Thank you, Hello Mr/Mrs, Lovely to meet you, Thank you for having me, etc…” manners.
   I can’t tell you how often this is commented upon by teachers, employers (all of my kids have p/t jobs, had promotions within them, etc…) even shop keepers, other members of the public. It also makes them feel good about themselves and has made them more hireable.

3. Work ethic. Our kids are not having cars bought for them. Nor do they have the latest tech. Now they all work part time, they contribute a set percentage of their wage to our household. (They don’t know that we have set up savings accounts for them that they can’t touch.) They don’t expect “equality”. They understand that if one works more hours, that person has more money.

Just reading this, it sounds like I’m a hardarse. I’m really not. I’m a total mush. My kids get hugs and they’re told that they are loved and respected and liked. They are growing into really decent people so far.

Do not criticise your own body or hers.
Accept that she is her own person who may have very different thoughts and ideas to you but that it's OK.
Always make time to listen to her and give her your time.
Encourage her to have self respect and to learn she is always worthy and not beneath anyone else.
Don't compare her to other girls her age.

Good ideas here!

This, we have tried so many things. Music lessons, gymnastics, ballet, all the sports you could think of.
Eldest loves rock climbing, paddle boarding and badminton. She also loves crochet and Maths. Youngest hates most sports apart from being out on her kayak, boxing and gaming.

Both also were asked to do modelling as children. We let them do a little when they wanted to but didn't push it. When they asked why we didn't continue I explained to them I didn't want them growing up thinking how they looked was the most important thing in life. They are both beautiful and are told that by us and others but they also are complimented on their other strengths. Teach your girl to stand tall, be confident to be them self and not follow a crowd.
My mum was a strong confident woman and raised me and my sisters to be the same. My daughters and neices are all strong woman who know who they are.

My DD is now 19 and I found her early teen years really difficult, we now speak multiple times a day and have wonderful times together.
My advice is to always let her know that you have her back even if you don’t agree with her behaviour. Mine always knew that if she needed us we were there, so on the rare occasion she drank too much or smoked a spliff she called us and we got her home safely and dealt with the behaviour the next day.
Accept that sometimes they don’t want to talk and need space to process things, I found it so hard to hear her crying and not know what has happened until much later when she was ready to tell me. Mine needed no pressure environments to talk openly, she’d often open up while we were on a random drive alone.
The rest is easy, enjoy it all.

I definitely agree with not talking negatively about yourself - remember you're her role model. For the same reason don't accept being treated badly by your partner - the relationship you model will subconsciously be her blueprint. You want her to have high standards!

I agree with the team sports - often those are ignored for girls in favour of dancing type spots. Of course I don't mean force her to play rugby even though she's pirouetting around the house and has been begging to do ballet instead for a year! Obviously you let her choose her sport, but if playing on a team is an option there are so many advantages (my DD has played a team sport for over 12 years and the friendships and lifeskills, including being able to handle losing as well as winning, are immeasurably valuable, as well as the fitness aspects).

Remember what you got up to at the same age and let her make her own mistakes (within reason!).

.

Aim to have at least half of the professionals she comes in contact with (eg doctor, dentist, head teacher) be female, as well as other professions your family might deal with and mention to her (eg accountant, solicitor) Also choose female tradespersons whenever you can (plumber, electrician)
This tends to counteract in a small way the bias in books/ movies etc which might limit her ideas on what sort of jobs she might be able to do when she grows up.

And roles in the house. I've taught DD to check the oil in the car, put in wiper fluid, check the tyre pressure.

DH cleans a lot.

Ok. First and foremost, buckle up for those preteen/early teen years. Wow.

*sharing is NOT compulsory
*your friends will envy your ability to be individual rather than hate you for not following the crowd
*always treat people with kindness.
*be brave and strong but also know your vulnerability's
*treat people with respect, sometimes even when they don't deserve it.
*use your manners
*never be afraid to refuse, this applies to everything
*no means no and anyone who questions that isn't worth your time

I've also talked endlessly about coercion and manipulation with my girls, asking questions one way and then the other to give examples, talked about financial abuse and all the lesser known forms of generalised domestic abuse.

My main advise would be to teach them to value themselves in the way you value them.

And once again, as before, good luck for the pre/early teens... 😂😘

Teach her excellent social skills. That’s what gets you far in life. I used to eye roll my mother on this as a young teen but she did us a massive favour by teaching us these skills rigorously and modelling them.

Dh drilled into ours if a “friend” is unkind more than twice bin them entirely. They are not your friend and there are plenty of decent people in the world who are better. I initially thought this too harsh but he was absolutely right. When the girls at dd2s primary were being vile she exited entirely and read books in the library or hung out with the gentler boys. Hoping this translates into relationships in the future.

Like 'A Mighty Girl' on Facebook.
I get a reminder into my feed every now and then of so many strong, intelligent, brave women who have achieved so much and been so rarely recognised.

(If you aren't on Facebook, they have a website as well, but you have to remember to go and look for things rather than being reminded).

This is a top tip if you are a parent of boys too
or a teacher
or a Leader in any Youth organisation
or an archivist
or a historian
or a scientist
or 1001 other things

Have a near 20 yr old DD who is not very practical and reluctant to learn now. Just wish I had got her involved in doing/helping and learning skills such as Diy, car maintenance and other skills. I worked hard to ensure my DSs cook and
clean, etc but didn’t do enough to break stereotypes for my DD. This very much includes having a gender neutral approach to toys and ensuring there was a good mix of types of toys around.

Another recommendation for a lot of sport especially in teenage years and very few mirrors in the house.

Be angry in front of her and allow her to be angry too. So many women are passive aggressive because they’ve been taught that anger is a masculine trait.

Don’t teach her that she is superior to boys. That’s where we’re at now. It’s gone too far. Girl power has turned into ‘boys & men are surplus to requirement’. I have boys & girls & I worry for my sons. They have the wind locked out of their sails from being tiny little boys. Encourage her to spend time with boys & let her see that you value men. I can’t raise decent men if your daughter mistreats them from the outset. Don’t have bracelet making parties that boys aren’t allowed to attend or make snide remarks about Daddy being useless.

Cultivate her self esteem. There’s no need for the be kind mantra. People who feel shit about themselves project this into others. If you feel good about who you are you treat others with consideration & respect.

Respectfully @Opine I disagree. Centring boys in how girls should see the world is very damaging. They are surplus to requirements 90% of the time. That isn't to say we don't often like having them around. And I never badmouth daddy. But caring about their feelings as a first thought is damaging. Girls are trained to be caretakers and support humans. I don't push that message.

DD was badly bullied in primary by a group of boys. Telling her she could entirely ignore their opinion and it was completely worthless was very important. Her group of girls at school is now a safe-haven for two of the nice, gentle boys when they get shit from gen pop. But they often also meet as just girls outside school. Which is important.

I know mums of boys worry. But teaching boys to do what girls do and work, parent, do chores, be useful is enough. Male roles have become defunct because women are doing everything. Not because women feel contempt for them. Teach your boys to do everything and they won't be defunct.

Love this one. Would have saved myself a bloody lot of time if you were my mum

💓

The first post nailed it. You are her first role model so make sure you are cool - not a doormat or the household scivvy!

But never forget that she’s totally her own person and value and cherish her unique character. Nurture her and be the cheerleader for her liking herself and being the best version of herself.

And that’s what I find strange about posters saying get her into sport. I hated competitive sports so if my mother had forced that on me when I was young, I would’ve been a very unhappy girl.

It’s about studying and supporting your dd to see who she is - not who you would like her to be.

I have 2 DDs, age 18 and 20. Read
I them every day from birth. Encourage them to stay active because teenage girls are so often turned off sport. Encourage a wide range of interests - "girly" stuff like playing with dolls is good but so is playing with Lego.

Great thread 😊 I have a 2.5yo DD and really enjoyed 'Raising Girls' by Steve Biddulph.

I don't know anyone teaching or giving their daughters the message that girls are superior to boys?! I think the message being given is that we are equal to men.

I don't want to derail the thread but I'd be interested to know where and how you see this happening in your life?

This really is helping so much, thank you. I think I have quite a few aspects of my life/habits/behaviours that I need to step back and reconsider through my DDs potential gaze.