Raising a daughter... share your wisdom

[Hyggeandhugs]

So as the title suggests, I have a baby DD. I don't have any close family or friends that are raising DDs so I would love to hear your wisdom on how to raise a happy, healthy and wise little girl.

What worked? What do you wish you'd done differently? What should I avoid doing/buying/saying at all cost? I'm grateful for anything you want to share and about any age.

Taking note of this advice!

I think MN wisdom has covered most.

I always said to my girls "I will trust you unless you give me a reason not to". At 19 and 15 they still haven't given me a reason not to.

We also always had a code word they could text me. If they texted it I would call them and tell them I needed to come and get them straight away for a family emergency.

They were always allowed to come home from sleep overs no matter the time.

They were never made to hug anyone they didn't want.

We eat together every night around the table.

When you get, the slept in my bed if they wanted, held when they cried and always had good routines.
I went on trips for a week and left them with their dad. He had full involvement in their upbringing, and he knew how to take care of them. Don't let it always fall to you.

Funnily enough I was going to post a similar thread for my 5 yo DD! I would say open her options up to more than pink unicorns and fairies, even though she may love these. Get her to try some rough and tumble games. Don’t force her to respond to overfamiliar strangers (or even those known to her) , don’t try and make her ‘ladylike’ !

We avoided simpering Disney princesses (prevalent in the 2000s) and she's a fierce wonderful feminist.

I worked full time in a male dominated industry and kicked ass, and showed her that as an example (she saw the struggles too). We talked about the barriers I was clambering over, the inherent sexism, blatant discrimination, and the sheer elation of the victories achieved in that climate (victories that also helped pay for nice family holidays ).

Me and DH shared equally all of the domestic stuff and mental load. Equality in action, every day.

We told her that she could do anything and that every opportunity was (is!) open to her. Boobs are no barrier.

We helped Instill confidence in her so that she could vocalise her opinions and earn respect without being domineering. We also helped to to learn how to listen and have empathy.

When she was (physically and mentally) bullied at primary school we did role play to help her stand up to the bully (it worked) and to show how powerful standing up for yourself can be (and a bit about why that person was bullying her and that it was probably a cry for help and attention).

Most of all we loved her and told her wonderful she was (and is) and let her find her own path. She's well on the way to that now and is a pretty fabulous human. Confident (but not too cocky), strong (but gentle) , helpful (but not a doormat) , kind, empathetic, creative and with high hopes. She's had her ups and downs (some quite low) but on the whole I think it's been OK.

Oh, and we banned phrases like 'bossy'. It's only ever used for girls and women and is inherently sexist. We say 'strident' or 'in control' or 'being a leader ', which are all positive. Language is so important.

We challenged and thought about sexist stereotypes right from the get go. It's really easy to fall into the pink, Barbie route without thinking. We offered up alternatives so she could choose. She ended up choosing cars and Barbies.

We brought her brother up exactly the same.

What I'd do differently? Take more time and have more patience with the tantrums (fierce and frequent !) and let them run their course more naturally . I squashed them down a bit too vigorously anger can be good. Sometimes

Name every bug, bird, dinosaur and tiger as female. The world does the opposite so we have to push.

"Hello caterpillar, where do you think she's going?"
"That's a scary T-Rex, do you think she's going to eat the other one?"
"Cool shark, she has a LOT of teeth"

And then watch other people be confused and ask how you know it's a female. My reply, "how do you know it's not?" And try when anyone including DD calls something male, to be curious. Why do you think the rhino is a boy? The whole world names animals, particularly big, exciting ones, male. I do the opposite.

I even changed the sex of characters in books because so many are male. And didn't allow any TV or films where default was male and 'female' was a character type. See: Paw Patrol, Smurfs, anything that doesn't pass the Bechdel Test. I didn't encourage things like My Little Pony (a secret feminist medium) and anything by Studio Ghilbli. The girls are all great in those.

And have as many women in different fields you can name without thinking about it as possible. So you can field any questions/comments, particularly by mean boys. DD came home really upset one day because some boy told her girls couldn't be spies. I knew Noor Inayat Khan off the top of my head. Same with war. I knew the inventor of Kevlar was female. And about the Night Witches. Also science and ninjas and anything children find cool. Name them without blinking. DD is lucky she has some pretty amazing women in her family. Talk about the fantastic women in your family tree.

And buy Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie all about raising a girl.

Following with interest.

I agree that girls are disproportionately praised/complimented on how they look. (And I cringe everytime family see DD and without fail say don't you look pretty) it's not that you shouldn't, bit it is disproportionate.

I heard a great piece of advice recently which was to say 'you look ready for an adventure!'

Gah I did encourage MLP and Studio Ghibli. DID encourage.

Placemarking

This has made me realise that every cuddly toy she has, I've given male names too. Didn't even notice I was doing it, let alone consider the message I might be sending!

Didn't even notice I was doing it

It's bone deep the conditioning. Buy some tough-looking dinos and sharks and call them all Sue and Tina.

Thanks @MrsTerryPratchett just ordered myself 2 new books.

I try hard not to show her my phobias so l don't pass them onto her.

I don't tell her she has to be kind but l tell her not to be unkind- fine line there!

I teach her not to say things about people unless she would say it to their face.

I ask her to always try her best and if she doesn't get amazing results, it's OK!

I find the more pressure l put her under, the less results she gets so am always quite relaxed about homework unless she asks for help.

I teach her to appreciate her grandparents as they have knowledge and wisdom learnt over many years that you can benefit from.

But mostly l let her know she is good enough and there is nothing she could do that would stop me loving her more than anything.

Confidence is so important. Love her, build her self esteem, reassure her and point out how amazing she is. Tell her she is beautiful and teach her that all bodies look different and are perfect in their own way. Never let her see or hear you compare yourself to other women. Teach her to have a healthy relationship with food and explain about healthy and treat food and why the balance is important. Treat her kind and teach her how important kindness is. Don't tell her to "shush" or "be quiet" because anyone thinks little girls should be quiet. Let her be vocal about her feelings. Let her enjoy what she enjoys - whether its dolls or superheroes. Teach her boundaries. NEVER force her or ask her to cuddle relations/people that she doesn't want to. Read to her about amazing women from history. Foster her imagination and instill the thinking that she can be anything she wants to when she grows up. Help her think about how to pursue her dreams.

Most of all enjoy your relationship together. Seriously, it just gets better every single day 🙂

Also really interesting how many people are saying to encourage a sport or active hobby. It's not something I did as a child and, unless she came to me and asked to do something, I probably wouldn't have suggested anything for fear of being pushy. I'm definitely taking on board what a valuable thing it can be and will try to remember to actively suggest things as she gets older.

"Compliment her for reasons that have nothing to do with her looks."

Please don't take this advice. It will damage your daughter's self esteem. I was brought up this way and I always thought I was dog ugly. I still have hang ups about it now even though objectively I'm pretty sure I'm a fairly attractive woman!

My mum never ever told me I was pretty because it was something her mother did a lot - but not in a fair way - one daughter was complimented all the time, the other less so, so it was something she wanted to avoid.

Make sure she always has a safe space with you. Even if she doesn't want it she needs to know she has it.

Try a few. DD wasn't a team sports person. But solo things like martial arts and climbing, she loves. It's about teaching that her body is a strong tool, not an object.

Keep in mind all around her are pictures of women as window dressing. A sport is about her trying and succeeding with her body.

I have a very close, supportive, large family and grew up with an unassailable confidence that I was 100% loved, supported and respected, and could do anything I set my mind to.

I think that has really helped in adult relationships- Eg I'm very secure and trust people until I've reason to think otherwise.

With my daughter (2.5), a friend asked why she mostly wore trousers (instead of dresses). I just said I didn't want to disadvantage her over her male twin - Eg in climbing, running etc. My friend was nearly in tears hearing that, since she felt as a child she was always disadvantaged compared to her brother.

I always tell my daughter she's beautiful, in addition to telling her she's funny, caring, daring, clever, etc.

My DD is 13 and having a hard time, and it's quite challenging as a parent. I think you have to just hang out a lot in a no-pressure way. Find shared things to do, even if it's watching Gilmore Girls in your jammies.

Role model hard work, talk to her about what a brilliant thing a career can be, if you find work you love. Be really open even if it's emotionally complex or even embarrassing for either or both of you. Role model what a good relationship looks like.

Do daft stuff like go to Starbucks and test lipstick colours at Mac. Get her outside! Always let her know she could never tell you anything that would make you love her less. Talk about friendships so she knows she doesn't have to put up with shit. Fiercely defend her when she needs it. Listen listen listen listen listen. And when she can't talk, leave a little notebook under her pillow so she can write it down for you instead. Seek solutions together. Admire her for who she is and tell her that you do.

Mainly just keep talking to her and don't demand she smiles and is grateful all the time - you're her mum which means you're the boss and not her friend ultimately, but listen to her opinions and observations and hopes and wishes and share yours - keep a two way dialogue going.

Be sure she knows that you're always on her side and will always do what she needs, but not always what she wants, and that your rules and decisions are based on her best interests not on trying to be mean, nor on trying to be her friend.

Respect that she isn't your mini-me and enjoy the differences as much as the similarity. She's allowed to have utterly different hobbies, dress sense, career aspirations etc. than you at whatever age.

Don't comment on her weight - don't tell her she's "lovely and slim" any more than that she's"horrible and fat" (because she might put weight on one day and you'll still think she's lovely, won't you? But she might not if she's been praised for slimness), just tell her she's lovely.

Praise her skills and talents and the things she actually does far more than you give meaningless generic compliments (don't just say she's clever and brave but tell her why you know that, otherwise it will just be hot air).
Do tell her she's beautiful too (but if you have boys later tell them that too).

Teach her to listen to her instincts and move out of situations where she feels unsafe.

Keeping a dialogue going and keeping the right balance between friend and (benevolent) dictator is key though!

On the "kind" topic - her job is never to be kind if it means ignoring her gut instinct to avoid putting herself in danger or at a disadvantage. Girls and young boys are often taught "be kind" as the absolute highest virtue and it's pushed without thought. Often this is used by lazy or unpleasant people to shut women and children of both sexes up and make them feel guilty or embarrassed about speaking up for themselves or moving out of situations in which they feel unsafe or uncomfortable.

It's not that girls shouldn't be kind, its that they don't need to be any kinder than (not just boys, but) mature men. In fact kindness is something that powerful people should model before demanding it of vulnerable children and young women...

The most obvious illustration of the problems with "be kind" are the 14 year old girl sitting on the top desk of an initially crowded bus travelling home on her own (say after an after school club in winter at 5pm). As the deck empties an adult man in the seat in front is the only person left and starts talking to her and seems lonely and a bit sad, he hasn't done anything but she feels uncomfortable. She wants to move to sit nearer the driver. What's the kind thing to do? What's the safe thing to do? Should she be kind or put herself first? Hopefully the answer is screamingly obvious!

I totally agree especially a team sport with other girls, really beneficial in creating a team player, who can take good days and bad days as well a creating a group of solid friends outside the fickleness of school friendships.

The messaging about beauty is clearly a contentious and difficult area and there isn't a good answer when the world is saturated with awful messages about the worth of it.

My basic message is "of course you're beautiful but that's not something particularly important so we don't focus on it". Imperfect but everything is.

It is never a good idea to talk about her clothes, her appearance or to buy her frilly cute pink stuff. I did all of these things like an idiot, thinking she's only X months old, she won't notice. By the time she was 1 I had her in sensible clothes etc but she carried right in wanting nothing but dresses and frills and hair bobbles, and looking at herself in the mirror. It's a bit .. 😁

DD is almost 4. I encourage her to be confident, brave and kind. I think it's important to be all of those things. I would do the same if I had a DS.

I do tell her she's beautiful but it's balanced by compliments on other things too.

I allow her to choose to wave goodbye to people or hug and kiss if she wants to. We enjoy snuggles together in front of the TV but if she wants to sit on the sofa on her own I don't try to persuade her otherwise. It's important she learns where her boundaries are and how to (gently) enforce them.

I encourage her to listen to her body in terms of food, drink and sleep.

I encourage her to be kind and considerate to her friends if they are struggling with something or are upset. But she's also allowed to say no if she wants to.

I also encourage her to try new things and compliment the effort, not the attainment.

I hope as she gets older those things continue to be balanced and she can grow into a kind, considerate young women who is comfortable with enforcing her boundaries but who is keen to learn and try new things and who is confident in her own strength and abilities whilst knowing she has a family behind her who love her, support her and will be there to catch her if she needs it.

Talk to her
Read and sing to her
Talk about yourself to her positively - be both her and your own champion