Raising a daughter... share your wisdom

[Hyggeandhugs]

So as the title suggests, I have a baby DD. I don't have any close family or friends that are raising DDs so I would love to hear your wisdom on how to raise a happy, healthy and wise little girl.

What worked? What do you wish you'd done differently? What should I avoid doing/buying/saying at all cost? I'm grateful for anything you want to share and about any age.

My dd is 21 now and I split with her dad when she was 2 and met my DH when she was 4. Through mine and DH's relationship she has learnt what a happy balanced loving relationship is and she doesn't take any messing from any lads whatsoever. It's very important to have self respect .

I never had a daughter - all boys. But if I had, I would have raised her in the same way as my late mum raised my sister and I. Unlike many people commenting, my mum did talk about her weight and was very strict about maintaining a healthy weight. She taught us how to cook healthy meals, she encouraged us to be as active as possible. We all did lots of sports. She always said we would be glad as we got older that we were in the habit of eating well and exercising. She also taught us to always earn our own living and to maintain our financial independence. She was some woman and there's not a day goes by that I don't miss her❤️❤️

@MrsTerryPratchett there is nothing centring about anything I’ve said. Valuing boys doesn’t put them before you but aside you.
Thinking they are surplus to requirement 90% of the time is very problematic.

@bingotime Boys are treated with contempt from very very early on. Any gender disappointment thread you read on here will be about boys.
If people thinking they are only necessary 10% of the time isn’t believing they are inferior I don’t know what is.

Encourage her to spend time with boys & let her see that you value men... Don’t have bracelet making parties that boys aren’t allowed to attend

Centring.

And frankly making a thread about how to raise our girls about your boys is centring in and of itself.

I wont teach DD that the important thing about how she is raised is how she treats boys. That's been instilled for centuries.

To be very very careful about with whom she chooses to procreate. Her children deserve the best genes and inherited character, not just those of whoever mummy has the fanny gallops for this year.

Although she should be taught that having enjoyable sex with people she wants to have it with is great. Teaching her about contraception and safe abortion should cover the rest.

@MrsTerryPratchett hmm I think you hear what you want to & not what is being said. There’s nothing more centring than saying boys are useless for 90% of the time.
Being pro women isn’t being anti men.

When she talks to you, look at her, help her to feel important, and cherished. Have fun together.

If something sad happens, don’t be afraid to show her your feelings, talk to her about them in a way she can understand. You will be teaching her self compassion.

Value her opinion’s of her appearance, over society’s expectations of what a girl ‘should’ be.! If she wants short hair etc so be it. But do tell her she is beautiful. Beautiful, inquisitive, creative, funny, thoughtful, strong, hard working, resilient, loved.

Read together, and talk about everything you see.

Finally her ears, and any other part of her body, are not yours to do with as you see fit. Do not make alterations, like piercing, until she is old enough to ask for it, and understand the permanence and possible complications.

Is there any way you could stop making a thread about girls, all about boys? One thread? Please.

Back to girls... let them see you be strong in the world and assertive. Be brave for them.

So much great advice already shared.

One thing I will add, I make a concious effort about how I talk about my body in front of my DD. I am very overweight and would love to be thinner. But my DD doesn't hear about this. At 8, she has never heard me / my partner mention calories, low fat, KGs etc. We don't weigh ourselves in front of her. If friends etc mention weight loss, I politely change the subject. If I try something on in front of DD and it's too small/too clingy on what I see as 'problem areas' I won't say 'I'm too fat' or 'it's too small' - instead things like 'I don't like the way that one feels on my body' or 'it's not my size'. I try to use language about her body like being strong etc. I compliment her on her body only for things like doing a higher handstand, swinging faster on the monkey bars etc. Not on her size/weight etc.

I try to make talk about food be about nutrients and what tastes good. Not about 'good and bad' foods in terms of calories or 'treats'. So when she was a toddler we talked a lot about eating a rainbow in terms of colours of fruit and veggies, and eating foods that make us strong and give us energy.

I have had a fairly bad relationship with food, so really trying with her to be different (whilst not making a massive, obvious deal of this!)

@MrsTerryPratchett 🤣🤣 how erratic.

I don't recognise this at all! It's not boys being aborted in countries like India for example.

Also initially gender disappointment on Mumsnet boards is one moment in parenting not the whole experience and treatment of boys and men?

They are surplus to requirements 90% of the time

Men come in handy for making a baby and turning out in all weathers to sort out electrical, gas, sewerage failures. Don't see women flocking to those jobs.

I remember the night before my GCSE or A Level results my mum saying ‘it doesn’t matter what you get, we’ll still love you unconditionally’ and that’s always stayed with me…she was ambitious for me and I did ace the exams thanks to her help and support but I never felt I had to do well to earn their love of that makes sense. I always felt she was in my ‘team’ when getting bullied in primary school, or even when I picked unusual a levels and one of the teachers at school criticised me 🙈. I want to recreate that with my DC

I think it’s so important being a woman in your own right having friends / hobbies / a life. That your interests and stuff are valued within the family same as dhs. Some women seem to get bogged down in the small child /drudge /life facilitator for everyone else role and think that’s a bad example.

@bingotime my DDs have never been told they can’t do something because they are girls. My DSs were told this often from being too small to really even understand they were boys. Directly told that they can’t/shouldn’t because they are boys.
In any case what I was saying is that OPs DD will benefit from healthy relationships with the opposite sex & not being taught that they are the enemy.

Being mindful that pink doesn't mean bad.

My daughter is 3. She wears a lot of her brothers hand me downs (willingly, she totally wouldn't wear things she didn't want to). But she loves unicorns and given the choice for new clothes they are always pink and / or covered in unicorns.

She is her own person and she can be girly or she can not and that is ok.

Finally her ears, and any other part of her body, are not yours to do with as you see fit. Do not make alterations, like piercing, until she is old enough to ask for it, and understand the permanence and possible complications.

@RogersOrganismicProcess again something that I didn't even think about, despite my strong belief in teaching body autonomy. I don't think I would want to pierce her ears (unless/until she requested it), but it's interesting that it never even occurred to me to think of it in those terms, but you're so right.

Oh and teach her that she is a girl and that being a girl and being her are wonderful things.

Tell her she has a vulva, and that she will get breasts when she's older. Let her know about periods as a normal part of being a grown up. Mostly though give her the vocabulary to describe herself.

I have no privacy from my 3 year old so she knows that blood comes from my vulva each month.

She knows babies come out of vulvas (she asked) I have said how they get in there yet.

She knows mums can feed babies from their breasts and has seen it happen (I volunteer at a breastfeeding group)

In my 50s having lifelong chronic diseases , mental & physical, along with eating disorders I wish I'd been told "You only get one body, accept it and do what is in your power to make it strong and healthy"
As parent to an only DD I referred often to the amightygirl website for booklist and resources.

@showmethegin I'm a work in progress as we all are but, boundaries

Oh! As she is ASD and I worried about gender ideology being pushed on her I always said you can learn anything and be anything. The only thing a woman can't do is be a father (sperm maker). And the only thing men can't do is is be a mother (egg maker). How we dress and how we act is influenced by society and you don't have accept stereotypes.
Thankfully she knows she is female and is feminist too.

This is so lovely & worth remembering. It also makes me realise that although my parents were wonderful in lots of ways they weren’t so good at this, particularly my dad. So if I was having a problem at work or with a friend/ relationship they would often see it from their side rather than mine. It’s helpful to have balance but it often felt as though they weren’t on my team.

If she can’t run, jump, climb or kick a ball wearing it then don’t buy it. Clothes shouldn’t be restrictive and designed to turn girls into ornaments.

^^

This. It's hard to climb a ladder ( the ladder) in a skirt.