Seriously, how do teen Mums and single Mums manage?

[goodmorningsunny]

Genuinely interested to hear from teen mums/ single mums how they managed with their newborns and small babies.

I'm in my 30s, financially stable, married and with excellent support and being a new mum is the toughest thing I've ever done, despite my privileges. I see young mums and single mums and I just think they must be so strong and mature to hold it together, I barely cope some days.

This may seem a bit patronising but it's genuinely not meant to be, I'm in awe.

I'm not either but I had an extremely poorly first born and then twins so often get the "oh I don't know how you do it" nonsense.

Lack. Of. Choice.

Also what YOU see and what goes on at home, in their head etc doesn't always tally.

And finally,

Lack. Of. Choice.

I was 20 so not sure I really fall into the "young" mum category but it was bloody hard and I definitely wasn't prepared

I guess I managed OK because i'm a great mum. I was a great mum when I was married and was still a great mum when I was single.

I was 19 when I had my first son and his dad completely disappeared off the face of the earth and didn't help me. I don't have an amazing answer for this I just got on with it. Sometimes it was hard and sometimes not so much but I just ploughed through

I ‘coped’ by being massively depressed 🙈 I remember reading a note in my son’s red book saying ‘mum is comfortable and at ease with baby, confident in parenting’ and thinking good god if only they knew!

I put so much pressure on myself to do everything ‘right’ because I’d done the getting pregnant bit wrong by doing it at 18… I wasn’t old enough to have the confidence in myself to parent my own way and the way to suit the baby I had, not the one in the books.

But 10 years on the baby isn’t a baby and is still alive and happy, and I coped because what’s the alternative?

Rude and unnecessary

I found it easier being a single parent than being in a relationship with a partner that did fuck all to help. When I was single people went out of their way to help out and I also got every other weekend to myself. Currently pregnant again after an 8 year break and new partner and interested to see if it's as bad as I remember with my new partner who is much more proactive.

So true I was knackered when I had twins. Plus toddler and a 4yo. I barely remember the first two years of their lives. It’s just a haze of vomit and stress. I genuinely don’t know how I got through it. Apart from lack of choice.

I've supported lots of them in my home (I was a home for a program with young mums) and many don't cope. Or cope poorly. Many do cope, just like every mum.

I only became a widow when my kids were 11 and 13 and they've been quite easy teenagers. It's the responsibility that gets me. No one to share it with. It's all down to me. I struggled with having a baby and toddler even with dh coming home at 7, so I would have found it a nightmare if I'd been on my own then.

I was 15, I had no choice but to just crack on, I had no family support (lived nearly 200 miles away) and then when my ds was 6 months old his Dad was sent to prison so I literally had noone. I think my biggest struggles were older mums judging me. I tried alsorts of playgroups etc and everyone was really unwelcoming towards me, that was definately the hardest part.

I've always wondered how single parents cope too. It's so hard even with two sets of hands. Hats off to them 💜

I am also in awe, but I imagine lots of things slip through the cracks or just don't get done. Your version of what's necessary may be different. I know I have lots of days where teeth might not get brushed, etc if I'm feeling overwhelmed!

🙄

I was on my own from the point I discovered I was pregnant, the father wouldn't meet his daughter when born and never has. She's 9 now. And I had no support. And found other mothers really rejecting. The hardest part was the silence - with only you and a baby in the house noone talks, you can talk to your baby but it's just a monologue. And it doesn't matter what happens, all those small milestones in your child's life for good or bad, there is noone there, noone to share things with or who cares. Also you can't get away, you can't leave the house ever without them, can't go for a walk around the block by yourself, can't just pop out for milk. All that especially the silence until the point where you can have a conversation with your child, probably only a few years ago.

When other women say to me they feel like a single parent, I always bite my tongue because they're not looking for the truth. But they have no idea.

So thank you for saying what you have.

PND, mental health issues, physical health issues and suicidal ideation were the result of being a LP with no support. You scrape through with the skin of your teeth basically. Through the other side now and stronger for it but I would not wish it on anyone. Hopefully other single parents had more support though, I am sure others coped better.

No need to be a Twat.

I was 21 so not a teenager, but I think I coped quite well compared to friends and family who had DC when much older and were used to freedom and money and feeling competent in all other areas of their lives. I was used to being up all night, feeling like I didnt know anything, had lots of energy and wasnt used to being able to go away for a city break "just because", or being able to thow money at a problem. It was much easier 2nd time around when I was 30 mind you, but may not have been if I hadn't been through it before. I am not sure of that makes sense?!

I am a single mum and have been since DC2 was born. I had a toddler and a newborn. I don't think I did a stellar job. My house was a tip. Half the time we ate chicken nuggets and chips. I went to soft play twice in a day some days to keep them occupied. They watched a lot of TV.

Bedtimes were hard when one woke up the other and then both were screaming. Night feeds were hard followed by a toddler demanding attention at 6am. One bout of norovirus throws everything completely out of kilter and suddenly you're drowning and it takes weeks to get back on top of it all. A trip to A+E with one baby is a complete nightmare when you have to take the other one and they can't admit the first because you can't stay with one and not stay with the other. That's happened twice.

Now almost a year later it's still hard but in new and different ways. I still don't know who my health visitor is. I don't have family support as my own parents are dead. I don't know anyone in the local area as I came here from another country. I struggle with my mental health and the fact I can't work at the moment.

But... They are both still alive and well. That was and remains the main goal.

I was 19 and on my own, he disappeared the minute she was born! Thankfully I have supportive parents, it wasn't easy but I just got on with it as if I didn't who would? Yes it put me off having any more children as I wouldn't cope being a single parent again but that's personal choice.

My daughter - now 15 smashing it at school and it's all down to me so am I proud? effing hell I am!

all single parents should be proud it's a rollercoaster journey but worth it

ODFOD.

My friend is a grandmother, the parents (her son and his partner) were 18&19. Friend is basically bringing up the little girl both physically caring and financially, quit work to provide childcare (her dh can afford all bills thankfully) the young couple are now talking about another child as parenthood is easy . She's discouraging them!

I wasn't a young mum but I have been a lone parent since my two were babies. Their father has no contact and I have no family help. I'm fortunate that I have a good job so can provide for them but juggling work, children is hard and I never get any time for myself. I hope it will be easier when they are more independent but they are still currently primary age. Also very lucky to have great friends who would help in an emergency.

Wow. How ungrateful of them.

It makes me so sad that my extended family make no effort to spend time with my children. They view it as "childcare" if they were ever to have them to visit for a weekend, for example. They have never done that, or taken them out for the day without me, even once.

Whereas it sounds like your friend is actually doing loads (most?!) of the childcare for them and they aren't even appreciative!