Seriously, how do teen Mums and single Mums manage?

[goodmorningsunny]

Genuinely interested to hear from teen mums/ single mums how they managed with their newborns and small babies.

I'm in my 30s, financially stable, married and with excellent support and being a new mum is the toughest thing I've ever done, despite my privileges. I see young mums and single mums and I just think they must be so strong and mature to hold it together, I barely cope some days.

This may seem a bit patronising but it's genuinely not meant to be, I'm in awe.

We don't have a choice. I've been on my own for 14yrs, never get nights off and I'm numb with tiredness. I'm counting down five years until they're both hopefully at uni. I'll probably miss them when I have chance to hear myself think.......

@AuntieEntity its twatty to think that women with less money and material privilege find it harder to be good mothers

@slowquickstep military wife? A pretty special breed if you ask me.

Single mom to year old twins and a 6 yr old

As others have said when you have no choice in the matter it's a case of putting your big girl pants on and just getting on with things

You'd be surprised how quickly you adapt when there is no other choice and no one else to help

Rather be a single Mum than suffer DV again from exh.

In all honesty, from my own observations, the mums I've seen struggle the most are middle class, married, highly educated ones in their 30/40s. The younger, single ones just get on with it

I'm not going to overgeneralise but this is what I have observed in a few of my friends and acquantainces. Some Mums of all ages really struggle and while the reasons overlap there are some reasons that are specific to different 'groups' of mothers.

But her post isn't questioning how they manage to be good mothers. It isn't questioning the quality of their parenting.

It's simply questioning how they manage to preserve their sanity while doing it all, how they make it look much easier than she's finding it.

Which part of her being in awe of them didn't you get?

I didn't read the post like that - and I'm a single, working class (from an economic perspective) Mum. I realise interpretations vary, but I think, respectfully, you might be projecting your own insecurities onto the OP there.

For what it's worth, there are some elements of being a single parent which are very tough: the lack of support, or having another member of the team that you can absolutely rely upon. Financially speaking it's also difficult.

But I'm a good Mum, and it is, as other posters have said, about pulling your big girl knickers on and getting on with it. And, I'd far rather be single with all the difficulties inherent in that position, than live the life with my ex I was previously having to live.

The energy of youth is helpful. The number of friends I have who had their children later and who have back problems and exhaustion (not just in the baby phase but all the time) and no energy left to do things for themselves, creating a downward spiral, is higher than I might have imagined. This is in families that are reasonably well-off, two parents and with 1-2 children without major SN, btw. Not judging in the least as they are doing what what right for them at the time that worked for them, but it is interesting to observe because it doesn't fit with the narrative in society which is that (much) older parenthood is the only desirable way to do it.

Because there’s no other option.

We can’t up and leave/drop them at their Dads and say “Your turn”, not see them, dodge CMS.

Despite not being able to go for promotions or change jobs due to not having a second adult at home to do out of childcare hours, the house being more chaotic than I’d like, renting not owning, being permanently exhausted and permanently feeling like I’m failing at everything, I’d rather be my than my ex.

Our teen DDs have drastically reduced how much they see him, only go to see their Grandmother, and have nothing but very surface conversation/relationships with him.

He has lots of money, lots of free time and lots of luxuries. But he doesn’t know our daughters. And to me, that’s worth being on the bones of my arse for.

By the time I’m 40, DDs will be 19/17 and I imagine that’s when I’ll be able to start really gunning for promotions etc (but youngest DD has ASD/ADHD, as do I, but she struggles a lot more than I do, so who knows).

@Diyverymuchanewbie you're a rude idiot with poor comprehension. She wasn't saying young or single mothers struggle to be good mothers, she was saying that being a mother is hard, even if you have lots of help. So it must be very hard if you have less help.

OP, I understand. I have lots of support and it's the hardest thing I've ever done (baby with medical problems, but not super sick or needing to be in hospital or anything like that - just enough to make day to day life very difficult). Some babies are easy, some babies are hard. Some young or single mothers cope really well, some don't. Just like mothers with helpful partners or older mothers. But I get your point.

You just crack on....

@RandomMusings7 shes nothing awe - she’s shocked that her privilege hasn’t protected her and wants to her that actually songle
and teen mothers really do still have it worse than her.

in which case she can write go team! messages to show how empathetic she is to the less privileged

i have some sympathy for her because I understand the shock of never being really challenged then all of a suddden finding something actually hard work

but I have much leas sympathy when someone wants to use less privileged women to make themselves feel better about their own situation. The op is not seeking solidarity. She is seeking assurance that she is still privileged and other women are atiol
worse off despite how hard she is finding motherhood. That is what I find offensive

I agree with this. I have two friends who fall into this category - SAHMs with DHs pulling in 6 figures, had children in their early 40s, and are finding it extremely difficult. They don’t understand how I can raise mine alone and work full time - but I’m 36, and my DDs are early teens. I sure as shit would not want a newborn.

Because what's the alternative?

I was 17 with the first one.
worked at night in a pub from when baby was 3 weeks old So had the days with her.
knackering but is what it is and you do what you need too to give them a half decent life x

That is the exact group who tell me they 'just like a single parent', seemingly without an ounce of awareness. They do seem to think they are worse off, without walking a steep in my shoes.

Usually in the next breath they tell me how they are 'having' to overcome the difficulty of their life by throwing money at the situation, having a conversation with their OH (as another adult in their life available to talk to, who has an interest in the children), by getting more support from grandparents or going away for a week or weekend. Without any awareness that the point is they have those things and I don't.

I gave up on those conversations a long time ago. Typically at a mum and toddler group, the second I tried to vocalise what I was experiencing, the most affluent, supported mother in the circle would shut me down, compete and the others would follow. It may led to me feeling more lonely and desperate at the time.

Oh and often they have been able to go on to have more children and full family life which I haven't, and I work full time in a professional job while they do 2-3 day weeks because their OH brings in money.

@Diyverymuchanewbie wow you really are bitter. And projecting your own insecurities big time...

Yes i was. Gluttons for punishment kind of special breed i think.😀

And they have had sex at some point in the last decade.

There's no magic secret but from my own personal experience people who have it the easiest think they have it the hardest. I too am baffled they have a good support network and have childcare to enable them to still have a social life whilst being a mum.

It makes you wonder doesn't it OP.

I had my youngest young, not quite teen young and I was in a serious relationship with now DH but a good 5years earlier than our peers.
*We just got on with it, no other choice.
*Were both way more laid back than we were by the time our second came along.
*We had an easy baby.
*Obviously we hadn’t had bags of time to “do” young/single/child free life, so couldn’t miss what we didn’t have.

The only thing I might have done differently was to have had a middle child/less of an age gap but we were busy establishing careers, buying a home with a toddler and then wedding planning so the time wasn’t right.

One of my cousins is like this.

Her DH does all the housework. All she does is meal planning/cooking and the occasional load of laundry.

His parents have their children every other weekend from Saturday afternoon till Sunday afternoon, her parents do before and after school childcare Mon-Fri. For reference, they both work low stress office jobs, her part time, him full time, no over time required. Pretty much since birth for both children. No disabilities.

They all live on the same street.

They fuck off on holiday, alone, two or three times a year. When they go away with the kids, one set of Grandparents come.

Yet she has the gall to sit and moan to me and our other single Mum cousin about how her in laws have bought a caravan and now aren’t available on the weekends they don’t have DCs so if something comes up, she doesn’t get “extra nights off to do stuff”.

Meanwhile, ExH is very hands off with teen DDs, and ExP was an abuser who has never met our 7YO and never fucking will because he isn’t allowed near us, my mother is an addict so she’s never met any of my DDs let alone provided constant childcare, and my Dad and his current wife fucked off to Scotland, but even before that I was lucky to see my Dad once a year.

This is exactly how I feel in terms of bearing the responsibility alone. It is the only thing that really gets to me and can sometimes weigh me down.. I became a widow at 28 with a 13 month old daughter. She's now almost 11 years old so for me being a full time parent (mum and dad in one) is completely normal and I don't really know any other way. I am co running a business, working pretty much full time squeezing the hours in whenever I can (very often late evenings), running the errands - cooking, shopping, cleaning etc. when my daughter is at school - my days are packed and I am on the go morning till evening. Nothing is impossible and us humans just adapt. People often wonder how I manage. I just do. The day will come when I can relax a bit more and focus on myself. Right now my daughter and her future is my focus and this keeps me going. Do I get tired? Of course. Nothing I can't handle though. The responsibility, the weight of making all the important and not so important decisions alone is what really and truly is the hardest. Not having someone to take that weight off my shoulders is the most difficult part of being the only parent.

The one time I pointed it out, she had a fit and said I earn more than both of them combined so what do I know about hardship? And that I get free money from my ex.

I told her that the “free money from my ex” was a concept called child support, that it’s so high because he has them 1 night per month/is a high earner, and that it still didn’t even cover half my childcare costs at the time were over £2000 a month, not bomb proof, had to take time off work if one of my DDs was sick, and that if she wanted more money, perhaps she could use her bomb proof, free childcare to work full time or get a qualification, all Hell broke loose.

Hilarious.