Seriously, how do teen Mums and single Mums manage?

[goodmorningsunny]

Genuinely interested to hear from teen mums/ single mums how they managed with their newborns and small babies.

I'm in my 30s, financially stable, married and with excellent support and being a new mum is the toughest thing I've ever done, despite my privileges. I see young mums and single mums and I just think they must be so strong and mature to hold it together, I barely cope some days.

This may seem a bit patronising but it's genuinely not meant to be, I'm in awe.

I was married when I had dc, became a single mum when dd was 18 months old.

I agree with a pp, in some ways it's easier than living with a useless partner and resenting it. It's not like he was doing 50% of the childcare, housework, and work out of the home and I lost 50% of everything when he left ... I did lose the money, so I'm financially much worse off than when we had two incomes coming in, but I was already doing more than my fair share of everything else.

It's also easier to not have to argue about decisions. He doesn't bother to have any input over school choices, holidays, discipline style, or much else really. So although it could be seen as tough to not have anyone to bounce ideas off, in a way it's easier because I can just make my own choices and there's no tension.

I'm very lucky to have family support, but I also have a job that doesn't work office hours so I need to use the family support for childcare when I'm working some evenings or weekends, which means that I don't then feel it would be right to go out and socialise at other times and leave the dc with family again. So I just don't have a much of social life that doesn't involve children: I work, and I do stuff with dc.

This.

Married, 3 children. Ex-husband had an affair and walked out. DC were 7, 3 and 1. I had no family support, no career to speak of and I was on my knees.

I'm a qualified Solicitor now with fantastic children and a good life.

I made a choice and, I was, am and always will be a great Mum.

I was 19 and then 22 when I had my children. Their father was abusive and by 24 I was a single parent and he was never to be seen again.
It feels like a long time ago now and it was tough but I just got on with it.
Didn’t have much outside help at all so what other choice was there

I often think it's harder for those a bit older who've experience the joys of full independence and working life, focus on partner etc.

The life shock is then massive and harder to get over as the previous life is so memorable.

Younger = more energy less life shock if they've not got used to independence yet.

Throw singledom into the mix of either I reckon both groups find it hard. Maybe the older one have more capital / money but the younger ones might have more support.

I'm generalising a bit I know.

I'm single parent and it's been tough time. I have zero support and that's the hardest bit especially with a child or possibly both with additional needs, full time work. I wouldn't wish the bad bits one but the good bits are amazing.

@kneeldownandenter I'm totally with you on this one. I had my son at 19 and didn't really go raving or drink or smoke and was always a homebody so having my son didn't seem such a life change for me. Plus he was a good baby, hardly cried, was very chilled etc.
Having my youngest two when I was older was harder on my body and they both cry for England and are very demanding and clinging. As a single parent I'm finding it much harder with them than I did when I was younger as I'm older and fatter now lol

Same here,and I agree with all you've written

Case of having to. It was fucking hard. I remember it clearly and she's 29 now 😳😆

I had 3 kids by the age of 22. I coped a lot better than many of my friends did in their 30s.

They were more selfish by their 30s/40s and having to adjust to kids and not having all the free time was hard for them.

I am mid 30s now and mine are older so I do have a lot of free time. Having babies would kill me now.

Definitely. You may have had women judging you poorly but trust me there will have been women quietly acknowledging you and saying welldone you, welldone.

Most have family support and live at home. Those living alone probably find it just as hard. I'm sure you look as though you have it all together.

I was 18 (39 now) when I had my first, parenting is all I have ever known as an adult and so while I wouldn't say it was easy, I had no problem adjusting whereas my friends who have become parents for the first time in their 30s seemed to struggle more with the loss of their old life. You don't miss what you've never had.

Mine are all adults or approaching adults now. I wouldn't have a baby at this stage of my life if you paid me even though I am much more financially secure and have my shit together more so than 20+ years ago. I would really struggle with the mental impact of losing my independence now.

The more you have of something the more you want - spare cash, childcare, support etc. If you don't have it, having double what you've got is still nothing. I find it harder with my healthy toddler twins than I did with a poorly DS. I have more freedom but feel more buried under.

Maybe it is just that I'm a worse Mom now, or I'm over entitled and don't appreciate how much easier it is now but I guess that's partly an element of human nature.

I think it's much easier to say how awful it would to be a parent in your late 30s/40s when you've already got them. You have no idea how you'd have felt if you'd not managed or been able to until now

@Crushin I think we would all find a poorly child hard tbh plus you have 3 which must not be easy. That's understandable I'm sure your doing a fab job!

@Notsa I fully agree with you about if you have your kids whilst your a teen yourself you don't miss your life as much. What life? Because chances are you haven't had the opportunity to miss much so that's the only major drawback. I have to say though after having my DS at 24 I wouldn't want to be having a baby at 39 for the simple fact it's tiring! Plus I like my life too.

I found it easier being a single parent than being in a relationship with a partner that did fuck all to help

This. Being a single mum to a baby and a toddler was about a million times easier than being mum to a baby when in a relationship with my abusive ex. He portrayed himself as superdad to the outside world but was incredibly nasty and abusive behind closed doors.

Being a single mum was tough, but a breeze in comparison. I just got on with it. Found a rhythm. Being ill was hard but we muddled through. I was lucky to have a supportive employer thankfully.

I found it easier being a single parent tbh, I had my own routine etc. Yes it would have been nice to have additional support (at the time I lived 5hrs from family) during teething and illnesses but I had an amazing childminder.

When I was single I could sit down at 7.30 and chill. Always prepped clothes etc night before. With DH and another child later who's now now 10, I find I'm not sitting down til much later and there's still stuff to do. Don't get me started on confusion over who's attending what school events....

You just have to get on with it. I look back and wonder how I coped. I was raising my DS, working full time and studying for years!

It was the weight of responsibility and worry about money that hit me hard. And the judgement from others who thought it must be easy or they were in the same boat because their husband worked away sometimes.