Seriously, how do teen Mums and single Mums manage?

[goodmorningsunny]

Genuinely interested to hear from teen mums/ single mums how they managed with their newborns and small babies.

I'm in my 30s, financially stable, married and with excellent support and being a new mum is the toughest thing I've ever done, despite my privileges. I see young mums and single mums and I just think they must be so strong and mature to hold it together, I barely cope some days.

This may seem a bit patronising but it's genuinely not meant to be, I'm in awe.

I was both. I didn’t drive. I went back to work when she was 8 weeks old. I lived on p/t wages and benefits/housing benefit and when she was about 1 I went back f/t. I remember my wages were £740 (I worked at sainsburys) and my direct debits that went out on payday was £720. I was very very skint. She slept in my bed for years, simply because the only way I could get her to sleep was to lie down with her and I would always fall asleep. I genuinely don’t know how I raised her, I struggled terribly, I lived on toast and ham, and it was a very hard, lonely life.
her father was/is a drug addict and he has given me £5, twice, in 19 years. He looked after her while I worked because otherwise I could never have worked. Imagine leaving your child with a crack addict so you could go to work to earn £5 an hour, 8 hours a day, every single day. I didn’t even earn minimum wage because I was under 21.
when she was 2 I went to uni, and I had a bit more money because I got learning parent grants, but those were still hard hard days, I walked 2 miles to the bus every day, 2 buses, lectures all day, nursery on campus, then back home, and then do my uni work at night. I did my teacher training then eventually worked as a teacher in the prison service.
I met my now husband in 2009. My life is so different now. My dd is now 19, at uni herself, and I look at her and think I cannot believe I was her age and was raising her.

I have been a single mum since Dd was born. She’s now almost 6. Honestly I find it a lot easier than parenting with a partner. I have had a partner during that time, and I found it much more difficult. No dating until she’s older now!

You just get on with it. And whilst it is hard and I am tired allllll the time and I do wish I had someone to bounce my worries off, I raised my daughter and she is so lovely and wonderful. And I get to be very proud of that.

I can understand this too. I was 17 in a small rural village and I was the disgrace of the town. I tried baby groups etc but I was massively shunned.

What they didn’t know was that although I was so young, I had my shit together. I was a great mum, had a decent job, kept a lovely home. 18 years later and and my baby is an absolute star and much much wiser than I was at that age.

being a single parent is tough, being a young still mum is way tougher! I’ll never forget they way people made me feel…. Even my own “family”

Single mother to 4.

You adjust to your circumstances. I was always slightly bemused when people said “how do you do it”…like there was any other option?

We aren’t men, it’s not like we can just leave

I had DD1 at 18 and found it easier than DD2 at 27 and DS at 29.

I had less help at 18. DD dad was/is a massive lump of shite. I had no choice but to just get on with it, for her sake.

I was married, relatively financially secure and had a ‘alright’ DH when I had DD2 and DS.

BUT….. I would get annoyed with him coming home from work and lounging on the sofa telling me about his hard day at work. I felt like I was looking after 4 children instead of 3. His ‘D’M interfered at every chance and I felt like I was juggling DC, DH, work, housework and all the mental/emotional load of everyone.

It was much, much easier doing it on my own. I look back fondly on the days when it was just me and DD doing what we wanted, when we wanted. It made me stronger, fiercely protective and extremely independent. I look at her now with so much pride and I know that she is who she is because of me.

I think it's often easier to be single with other family support than have a partner who doesn't help.

My DF did nothing to contribute tribute to our family apart from earn money. My DM dad all the housework and raising DC and had a professional job. She'd have had an easier life if she'd been single, but then wouldn't have been able to afford private school for 3DC.

I had my first at 17 and second at 18 with no family help.

I knew I was strong after that.

I worked in a nursery when my kids grew up a little and I could handle the stress and screaming of children.

I was 21 so not a teenager, but I think I coped quite well compared to friends and family who had DC when much older and were used to freedom and money and feeling competent in all other areas of their lives. I was used to being up all night, feeling like I didnt know anything, had lots of energy and wasnt used to being able to go away for a city break "just because", or being able to thow money at a problem.**

I'd agree with this. There are huge advantages to being a young mum with bags of energy (used to burning the candle at both ends!), being used to not having a leisurely lifestyle etc.

It was much easier than dealing with these man child DPs half on MNers seem to have!

I could work a routine around exactly how DC and I wanted. I didn't have to compromise or negotiate on any decisions.

You really do feel your age when you have a dc in your late 30s even with a 'does as much as he can' DP.

In all honesty, from my own observations, the mums I've seen struggle the most are middle class, married, highly educated ones in their 30/40s. The younger, single ones just get on with it.

@Comedycook completely agree!

Whilst the 'competence' comment was rude, is clear there is a huge variation in how people find parenthood.

It's not universally considered the toughest thing anyone does. For some is incredibly tough, for others its really, really not. I didnt find becoming a part hard at all - that first year was the easiest of my adult life in all honesty.

So its entirely possible that someone who is 17 might just find motherhood clicks, and someone 20 years older with more support might struggle. We all have things that we do and do not struggle with.

I breezed through the newborn bit all three times, didn't make a difference when I was young and with an unsupportive partner vs older and with a very supportive partner. It's lovely to have the supportive partner but for me I've needed his help more during other ages.

I think we all just find different bits hard. Four year olds are my nemesis apparently.

Yep, huge admiration and awe of my friends who are single mums. I would obviously just about cope if that was my situation because I'd have to but I know I'd struggle.

I was a young mum and I just didn't know any different. My adulthood has been defined by having kids; providing for them and considering them. I know that probably sounds tragic to some but I didn't know any different and I can guarantee the culture shock was less than for someone who lived for years independently. I had that wonderful innocence that comes with youth that everything would be fine, I didn't over think things. I had a vision of what I wanted and I went out and got it. We are in our 30s now, married, big (mortgaged!) home, good careers with qualifications, travelled a fair bit with and without the kids (not back packing obviously!) happy, healthy kids that are thriving and performing well at school and our eldest is already in high school. Honestly I don't have a single regret, and the future excites me. Not saying it's right for everyone, appreciate we're more unusual than common, but for us we have very much landed on our feet, and I'm not envious of my friends starting out now that's for sure.

@Bretonstrip that is the sad truth of it isn't it?

@Comedycook I think there is a lot of truth to this.

Young single mum, DD primary age now. I don’t know how I cope. Some days when I’m alone I cry from exhaustion frankly. But DD is lovely which helps. I definitely don’t feel like I’m on top of it all, my house wouldn’t pass muster with most and I don’t cook as much as I would like to. Just can’t do it all though, it’s impossible.

What a rude nasty presumptuous unkind truly pathetic thing to say to a new mum!

Shame on you @Diyverymuchanewbie!

I’ve been a single parent for 10 years (not a lone parent, that’s a whole different ballgame).

Luckily for me, I’ve had EOW off as my kids do see their dad...this has been a lifeline for me as those breaks (which are really just 2 whole days a month off) have kept me going.

Honestly, it’s a hard slog. Their dad lives 90 miles away so doesn’t do anything other than his weekends.

Ive juggled work, 2 kids, a house, peri-menopause, eldest child’s mental health problems and all that life throws at you, mostly on my own. I have minimal support - so there is some, in the form of one set of grandparents (not a huge amount, by many standards).

You do it because you have to - it isn’t always pretty - wine gets you through, you lose all faith in life at times, but I guess with that comes greater resilience.

But in all honesty, if I’d have known I’d have been doing 75% of this on my own, I’d have never had kids in the first place. Some people hate to hear you say that, but fuck it - it’s hard, it wears you down and it’s exhausting. I love them both dearly and they know I’ve got their back, so I must have been doing something right

@Comedycook agree, when I was in my early 20s working (whilst studying) I had a toddler and was pregnant, I always remember my 30+ colleague asking how I did everything and how I was so calm and collected and work, because our other 30+ colleague with a toddler was a whirlwind at work, always late, stressing, flustered, worrying about something. Everything was just very dramatic and difficult for her, obviously not saying she was indicative of all mothers in her age group, but there was very much an element of this new human being turning her world upside down, whereas this was what I was always used to. And on my own as my DH worked away.

agree With this!

@RandomMusings7 OP posted to get stories of women less privileged than her who were struggling to make herself
feel better.

i find the narrative that single or less financially privileged women somehow must necessarily struggle to be good mothers utterly offensive

she posted to make the point that if she can’t possibly cope with all her privileges then how can women who have less money and support possibly cope and be good mothers

i have been pleased to see a number of posters point out that actually they’ve been very good mothers

there is no difference to her post than someone posting to say they can’t possibly imagine how people live happy and fulfilled lives on below average salaries

her post was entirely different to a post about struggling as a new mother. She’s axhoedkwd that she’s a relatively wealthy new mother and that hasn’t protected her compared to poor mothers.

What a twatty thing to say.

Maybe it’s to do with all the benefits they get from the hard working taxpayer….or is it just the oldies taking all that money from the tax payer, greedy buggers!

I was18 and hundreds of miles away from home, Husband was away over half the year. I just got on with it, think i was too young to actually realise how bloody hard it was. My one saving grace was that every night when LO fell asleep, i would open her window just a crack and go and sit on the bench across the road( i was about 40 ft away) and have a cuppa and a cigarette.
I look back and think i would never want to have to go through that again.