DD has vodka stashed in her room - advice please!

[Namechangeteentroubles]

Back story; DD in Y10 has recently started at a new school after years of hating her own school, anxiety, friendship issues etc. We had a very very rough time with her these last couple of years, lots of therapy etc. She was miserable. She has adapted very well to the new school and has a great group of friends and is behaving much more like a regular teen girl. It has been a huge relief.

She has been invited to her first party at a friends house tomorrow and has been really looking forward to it for a couple of weeks. She has been quite open saying that some kids in her school have drunk alcohol and it is possible they might try to sneak some in etc. She said I can trust her etc. I’ve never had reason not to before. She has always been very well behaved. However, younger DD2 just told me that DD1 has told her that she has vodka (bought with a friend from someone at school) and a vape hidden in her room to bring to the party tomorrow. She is apparently not planning to drink it herself, she is bringing it for a friend and the vape is for someone else. I am livid but haven’t done or said anything yet. I will look for the vodka when she is asleep but once found I’m not sure how to approach this…. I guess she shouldn’t be allowed to go to the party but I actually also feel bad her for her because she finally has a social life after years of misery and she was so looking forward to this…. Any advice appreciated……

Great update op. Sounds like you all have a lovely relationship

Great - well done Op. Hope she has fun at the party.

Good outcome. You’ve held your boundaries yet not upset her - she’s more likely to come to you with the big stuff now as she knows you will be reasonable and not rant and rave.

@TheSilentPicnic I actually work in a role involving safeguarding and addiction. I'm pretty clued up and far from the gutter

New update: As DD was about to leave I checked her bag. All clear. Then she goes to the loo, runs around a bit so I checked her bag again. This time there is a water bottle in in. I taste it and guess what? The water bottle is filled with Pimms! I’m not sure how she thought she would get away with it. DH and I take her to her room, give her a huge talk about lying, trust etc. Lots of tears and she was going on about how we will never trust her again. Insists she is bringing it for friends. When we found the vodka and vape, she then swiped the pimms as doesn’t want to let her friends down (the pic was the rest of the bottle she had put in the bin!) says she is new at the school etc. She really does not want to seem to drink the alcohol herself (if I can believe it!). Then we explain how it’s worse to be the provider, that if anything happens to her friends it will lead back to her. Her school has zero tolerance etc and she is finally happy there and how she could put all of us in this position. DH didn’t want to let her go to the party but I decided she can but she was then not sure if she wanted to. I said she has to be strong and tell the friends the truth. So she is currently at the first friends house getting ready and soon they will head to the party which is in another friend’s house nearby. I just facetimed her for 30 seconds (I warned her in advance I would be calling and that if she didn’t reply we would go straight there). The girls all looked lovely and seemed to be having nice time. We’ll be dealing with the lying etc tomorrow. Not sure what exactly to do. Very disappointed in the lies.😞

DCs mates would hide the booze by our gate/hedge to collect when my back was turned. I'd have a torch ready to check. I'm cross for her. If her mates want booze they can do their own dirty work.

Sorry your weekend is upended.

I'm really, really surprised you still let her go to the party.

I'm surprised at myself too, not sure if I did the right thing but if you knew what the past few years have been like for her you might too. It's been hell.

It sounds like she has volunteered to be the "holder" to solidify her place in the group but she needs to be able to tell them she was caught and she won’t be doing it again.

Same. Proper shocked. Fair enough you let it slide after the vodka&vape OP with the background story and all but after the elaborate ass Pimms lie just WOW 😳

I don't doubt it, but that doesn't mean you let her get away with this kind of behaviour.

She blatantly lied to your face, multiple times, and all she got was a quick telling off 😬

My DD got really drunk when she was 13 on some cheap wine with friends. She has maybe been drunk a handful of times since, but now she is nearly 17 she doesn't want to drink. HOWEVER she has always been honest with me about it since that first time.

Might be an unpopular opinion on here, but it's a right of passage. I'd swap the vodka for some cider or something, but let her go. If you come down hard she will get better at hiding it. It loses its appeal when it's not forbidden

Yep, maybe shouldn't have let her go.😬 Would be interested to know what some of the people on here who were previously telling me to let it slide would say now....

How will you approach this tomorrow? 😩

I was one of those posters who said to let it slide originally. I remember sneaking alcohol to parties at that age. My friends all did it too. But there's a difference between sneaking about and getting away with it, and what's happened today.

You have a different scenario on your hands now. She was caught, told you outright she wouldn't take it, then deliberately went out of her way to smuggle different alcohol - AFTER you'd told her off AND after you checked her bags. There's a reason that water bottle wasn't in her bag originally.

For me, it's not the alcohol that's the issue, it's the blatant lying and outright disrespect she's shown to both you and your husband.

I have no idea. It's all new to me. With all of DD's difficulty before she has never lied to me. In fact she told me everything almost over shared! Now that she is starting to be a more 'normal teen' this happens. She is clearly desperate to fit in but it actually does seem that she fits in! I think she volunteered for this rather than got pushed into it.

@thelobsterquadrille I agree that the issue now is the lying. What would you do tomorrow?

How have you dealt with her lying or with poor behaviour in the past?

We all just do our best.

Given she's settling well into her new school after her past experience, I'd have wanted to just ignore it. But I know how deadly spirits can be to young teens I wouldn't have been able to. I'd have made some shite up about putting something into her bag for her & discovering them. I'd have said 'you told me I can trust you, looks like believing that was my mistake' and taken them off her, with the traditional
patent comment 'I'm not angry, I'm disappointed, we will be discussing this tomorrow'

I wouldn't stop her going if she still wanted to go, but only because of her school experience.

Might sound odd but no I haven't. It's like she was a different person before. She hated school, had terrible social anxiety, very sad etc. It was horrible. She was also very dependent on me but she never put a foot wrong. I'm sitting here trying to think of something bad she did and it sounds crazy but I can't!

You don't know she hasn't lied to you before. If DD2 hadn't told you & she'd gone off tonight, you wouldn't know she'd lied to you.

tomorrow... I'd ask her why she lied to you about taking the vodka & vape. Go through the dangers of both & risks involved with hiding it for other kids.... I'd be pressing on the health risks more than the legal ones.

ask how she thinks she can start to rebuild trust

@SkylightSkylight Anything is possible but she was in such a bad way before and had such a hard time socially it's hard to imagine what she would have lied about. Her MH issues were all consuming. Also, this is actually her first party. I have been very frank and explained to her in full detail how alcohol works, percentages etc. how spirits are the worst etc., how to stay safe and the risks of hiding / providing it for other kids . I’ve also explained about drugs. I think I have covered pretty much everything.

She has been so happy recently to have found her place and finally feel accepted (maybe even popular). My family & friends have commented on how much better she seems. That she is so much brighter etc. It has been a massive relief. We were very worried about her before. It has been a very long process and finally we have turned a corner and now this her first party...

All the teens round here sneak booze to parties. Not saying it is right. My dd has been to one today and I can see on instagram that she has a bottle in her hand. Wilk deal with that tomorrow.

My friend is having a halloween party as hers a girl has been sick all over the hall.

I think you need to deal with the lying but it is fairly common and we are all just trying our best to encourage them to make sensible choice.

Remember going hard just makes them even more secretive.

I definitely need to deal with the lying but as you said going hard makes them more secretive - what to do?

To me the natural consequence for lying would have been that she doesn't get to go to the party, so I'm struggling to think of another related consequence iyswim.

I'm thinking back to my teenage years and if I'd been allowed to go to the patty, I'd just be thinking about how I'd got away with it

No need to massively bollock her but she does need to have a consequence for lying like she did.