Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

DD has vodka stashed in her room - advice please!

172 replies

Namechangeteentroubles · 28/10/2022 22:05

Back story; DD in Y10 has recently started at a new school after years of hating her own school, anxiety, friendship issues etc. We had a very very rough time with her these last couple of years, lots of therapy etc. She was miserable. She has adapted very well to the new school and has a great group of friends and is behaving much more like a regular teen girl. It has been a huge relief.

She has been invited to her first party at a friends house tomorrow and has been really looking forward to it for a couple of weeks. She has been quite open saying that some kids in her school have drunk alcohol and it is possible they might try to sneak some in etc. She said I can trust her etc. I’ve never had reason not to before. She has always been very well behaved. However, younger DD2 just told me that DD1 has told her that she has vodka (bought with a friend from someone at school) and a vape hidden in her room to bring to the party tomorrow. She is apparently not planning to drink it herself, she is bringing it for a friend and the vape is for someone else. I am livid but haven’t done or said anything yet. I will look for the vodka when she is asleep but once found I’m not sure how to approach this…. I guess she shouldn’t be allowed to go to the party but I actually also feel bad her for her because she finally has a social life after years of misery and she was so looking forward to this…. Any advice appreciated……

OP posts:
gogohmm · 29/10/2022 08:16

She's 14/15, it's pretty normal - my dd was definitely drinking at parties and wasn't banned at home within reason. She's turned out fine. It's a concern about the sneaking around - I bought drinks for mine but chose low alcohol premixed cocktail like Caribbean punch (I think, been a while)

DazzlePaintedBattlePants · 29/10/2022 08:18

Ha. No way would I let my 14 year old take neat vodka to a party with a new friendship group. My experience of house parties at that age usually involved horny teeenage boys trying it on too - I would NOT put my daughter into that situation.

I’d be ok with a house party if I knew and trusted the parents but not for a new friendship group.

Frenchfancy · 29/10/2022 08:26

I wouldn't search her room. I think teens have the right to a private space. I might however do a check of any bags or pockets before she got into the car.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting Secondary education
romdowa · 29/10/2022 08:28

I'd confront her with the vodka and vape and there'd be no party. She promised there would be no drink and she broke that. She wouldn't get rewarded for that.

BAGDD · 29/10/2022 08:43

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 28/10/2022 22:40

@Namechangeteentroubles the youngest is 14, but they have been having very small amounts for a couple of years - a thimble of Baileys at Christmas, or a very week shandy or splitzer, that sort of thing! I wanted to take away the mystery of alcohol, like my parents did with me. I remember as a young teen friends trying alcohol for the first time at the park or at a party, ending up in hospital, but worse were the dangerous situations girls particularly got into with (usually older) boys after too much to drink.

Would not let her go. Just because she had a bad time at her other school doesn’t mean she now gets a free pass to do anything just for the sake of having a social life. You’re the parent, you set the rules. She’s 14 fgs. What is this strange blazé mindset of ahhh just teen behaviour…? 😳 Regardless of DD2’s intentions, you have the info that DD1 is in possession of spirits and a vape. BOTH harmful and addictive. And you know they’re intended for a party, meaning other people’s kids may get harmed due to your daughter’s actions. If I was concerned about my DD2’s mental health, the LAST thing I’d be condoning is drinking, proven to be a depressant, not to mention addictive. And same goes for a vape. If there’s MH concerns boundaries need to be set and healthy coping mechanims introduced.

Hytsum · 29/10/2022 08:46

She’s going to drink and vape at the party no matter what you do (and so are 99% of the teens of the perfect parents on here who would be banning them from such things) so be prepared for that. I’m my experience one takes the vodka (one with lenient parents / older siblings / dodgy corner shop man) and they share it between them rather than everyone has a litre and goes to A&E.

If it gets banned from parties or inside houses they go the park and do it whilst telling parents they’re at each others houses.

I’d prefer to have a conversation about the importance of measures and mixers and the delay in drinking and feeling the impact of it.

It’s a tough age and phase and a lot to navigate for her and the more open the lines of communication the better. For both of you.

Watering down in secret / replacing with alcopops / speaking to the host parents will be very embarrassing and alienating for her.

She’s probably nervous herself about the whole thing and I’d look to show her you’re on her side and want her to be safe above all else and she can code word you anytime (have we got pizza in etc) and you’ll ring her and tell her you’re coming to get her as you’re needed at home.

Ask her about the party and who was there, what happened etc, ‘getting the gossip’ can be very very illuminating and if she feels able to talk about people taking drugs / ‘getting off’ with each other etc in a way of non judgement she’s much more likely to come to you if she finds herself in these situations.

I’m happy my eldest DD is 18 in a few months! She’s a very sensible drinker even though she can drink anytime at home and we have drinks in for her, I think it lost its excitement when I was very relaxed around her drinking. She tells me she’s never taken drugs and I believe her as a lot of her friends have / do.

Bug hug OP and welcome to parenting teenage girls!! It’s a wild ride and lots of fun as well as super challenging but ultimately mine behaved a lot better than I did at 13-16 especially!

SpaceJamtart · 29/10/2022 08:47

I'd let her go still,
When I was in year 10 I went to a friends 16th and asked my mum if I could bring a drink, I wanted to take vodka because it was 'cool'.
My mum got me to sip it so I knew it was rank and she said she would show me how to mix it so it didn't taste so bad.
She put maybe 3 shots in a 2 litre bottle of lemonade with a little bit of some syrup flavour thing and let me take that. It tasted nice, was weaker than alchopops (I didn't know that at the time) and it was still vodka.

It worked well, I got tipsy, maybe a bit drunk the first time, but never rat-arsed when she made it and I didn't start adding more alcohol until I was 18 and could buy my own. It was good- she always knew how much I had drunk and it was safer than random cups of drink of strangers at a party.

TheSilentPicnic · 29/10/2022 08:49

MarshaMelrose · 28/10/2022 22:23

I got drunk on gin at 14. Just the word makes me feel sick 50 years later. And the smell...🤮

It's just normal teenage behaviour so don't go too hard on her.

Me too
my one and only gin experience

TheSilentPicnic · 29/10/2022 08:53

Ok I haven’t read all the posts because it’s frustrating to read of the blasé attitude towards our most addictive and antisocial drug.

14 is too young, that’s why it’s illegal. It damages the brain and is a precursor to sooo many problems.

no is the answer. My 15yo is not allowed to drink alcohol, not ever.

Alcopops are a cynical way to promote addiction in young people. No way would I buy those.

DeadbeatYoda · 29/10/2022 08:58

Hytsum · 29/10/2022 08:46

She’s going to drink and vape at the party no matter what you do (and so are 99% of the teens of the perfect parents on here who would be banning them from such things) so be prepared for that. I’m my experience one takes the vodka (one with lenient parents / older siblings / dodgy corner shop man) and they share it between them rather than everyone has a litre and goes to A&E.

If it gets banned from parties or inside houses they go the park and do it whilst telling parents they’re at each others houses.

I’d prefer to have a conversation about the importance of measures and mixers and the delay in drinking and feeling the impact of it.

It’s a tough age and phase and a lot to navigate for her and the more open the lines of communication the better. For both of you.

Watering down in secret / replacing with alcopops / speaking to the host parents will be very embarrassing and alienating for her.

She’s probably nervous herself about the whole thing and I’d look to show her you’re on her side and want her to be safe above all else and she can code word you anytime (have we got pizza in etc) and you’ll ring her and tell her you’re coming to get her as you’re needed at home.

Ask her about the party and who was there, what happened etc, ‘getting the gossip’ can be very very illuminating and if she feels able to talk about people taking drugs / ‘getting off’ with each other etc in a way of non judgement she’s much more likely to come to you if she finds herself in these situations.

I’m happy my eldest DD is 18 in a few months! She’s a very sensible drinker even though she can drink anytime at home and we have drinks in for her, I think it lost its excitement when I was very relaxed around her drinking. She tells me she’s never taken drugs and I believe her as a lot of her friends have / do.

Bug hug OP and welcome to parenting teenage girls!! It’s a wild ride and lots of fun as well as super challenging but ultimately mine behaved a lot better than I did at 13-16 especially!

Sorry Hytsum but you are not representing 99% of teens with your description. Maybe in your area / demographic but it's ludicrous and lazy to suggest all teens are the same.

Peoniesandcream · 29/10/2022 08:59

When I was 14 my older DS told our mum the party I was planning to go to would have alcohol and older kids there, my parents wouldn't let me go. I think there's a middle ground here, let her go without the vodka, buy her some alcopops.

supersonicginandtonic · 29/10/2022 08:59

@TheSilentPicnic it is not illegal to drink alcohol at 14, it is illegal to buy alcohol at 14. It is perfectly acceptable for a child that age to have a glass of wine with a meal or a toast at a wedding etc. usually closely supervised by parents.

TheaBrandt · 29/10/2022 09:00

We all agree silentPicnic but back in the real world how would you practically deal with the situation? Shout and berate, ground her, alienate her from her friends - where does that end? A very unhappy isolated girl who hates you. Do you just not let your teen out unsupervised at all with their friends? That’s basically lock down and that went so well for teens mental health..

Some of us are trying to help the op pick through this by addressing the harmful silly behaviour but not burning every bridge in the process. That’s why parenting mid teens is hard.

Applesarenice · 29/10/2022 09:02

Don’t stop her going, she’s had a bad time with friendships and is trying to be accepted. But you do need to try to speak with her again, more from a ‘I know you are going to be in the a situation where alcohol is available, how can you keep yourself safe’ perspective.

quietnightmare · 29/10/2022 09:11

Don't stop her going after what she has been through

Choices are

Water the vodka down

Smaller bottle of vodka?

Get her she can have alcohopops instead or a bottle of cider

Pick her up from the party as you have said

Warn her that is she does drink and she doesn't drink responsibly then next time she won't be going to the party

VioletLemon · 29/10/2022 09:12

As part of the pre party talk, chat about units and show her what a standard measure is. Pour water in a glass and show her. They often don't even use glasses but swig it straight, I found this horrifying but it is what they do. If you arm her with info and turn a blind eye to the vodka will ensure she has the understanding of how to steer clear of overdoing it. I'd also show her how to substitute alcohol with water or lemonade in a discreet way so she can regulate what the intake is. Tell her how alcohol affects people and tell her what to do if she gets too drunk. You can have the talk in a hypothetical way, then if she knows she can tell you absolutely anything then you'll have a good basis for the relationship through the teens.

justasking111 · 29/10/2022 09:23

SavingsThreads · 28/10/2022 22:20

Bin the vape and water down the vodka. Don't let on to either.

That's exactly what I did watered down. They never said a word

moistmingemist · 29/10/2022 09:43

Please don't water the vodka down, you will make her look stupid in front of her friends.

Sit her down and ask her to be honest with you. Tell her you trust her and want her to have a good time but are concerned about the vodka/vape situation.

Lemon221 · 29/10/2022 09:54

Let her find her own boundaries. At 15 all my friends were drinking at parties. We would decant a bit of every alcoholic drink from our parents cupboards into one bottle and have ourselves a party! We also smoked and smoked weed occasionally.

Now aged 31 my friends and I all look back at those times and laugh. None of us smoke or take drugs and only occasionally share a bottle of red wine.

If my mum found the alcohol she would have taken it away, but I would have found an older sibling to buy us more. You can’t ban her from every party that may have alcohol.

it might work for you if you have a chat with her. My friends mum used to buy her low alcohol drinks to take to a party because she didn’t want her to drink spirits but didn’t want her to be the only one who missed out and this way she had a little control
of how much she consumed. Can you remember what it was like for you at her age?

TheSilentPicnic · 29/10/2022 10:05

supersonicginandtonic · 29/10/2022 08:59

@TheSilentPicnic it is not illegal to drink alcohol at 14, it is illegal to buy alcohol at 14. It is perfectly acceptable for a child that age to have a glass of wine with a meal or a toast at a wedding etc. usually closely supervised by parents.

No it isn’t acceptable unless your standards are in the gutter.

Rockingcloggs · 29/10/2022 10:10

@TheSilentPicnic

So many European parents are in the gutter by allowing older kids to have a wine at dinner then.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 29/10/2022 10:29

@TheSilentPicnic how do you enforce the ‘no alcohol’ rule when your teen goes to parties? How do you know what is going on?

VioletLemon · 29/10/2022 10:33

To be honest, over consuming straight vodka to fit in is so dangerous. You really aren't helping if you diminish this. Honestly, the amount of rapes happening in this age group, at parties is staggering. Kids NEED to know what's out there and how to handle it. Getting wasted at parties is a right of passage at that age but there are increasing problems because of kids not understanding how strong vodka is. Showing them and being honest is a way to help them recognise what to expect. They drink a huge vodka with tiny bit of mixer, don't feel drunk, immediately drink another one etc etc...

TheSilentPicnic · 29/10/2022 10:55

BigSandyBalls2015 · 29/10/2022 10:29

@TheSilentPicnic how do you enforce the ‘no alcohol’ rule when your teen goes to parties? How do you know what is going on?

He doesn’t go to parties, he is too young. Parties are for 16+ and supervised by parents who understand their role is tp parent not to try to be “cool”.

Original poster
Namechangeteentroubles · 29/10/2022 14:01

Update! So DH went in to DD1’s room when she was asleep with the pretence of looking for smelly socks / shoes under her bed (he had in fact been saying for a couple of days that there was a smell.) He felt something wet (i.e. poured some of the vodka on the basket of clothes they were hidden in to make it look like it spilt) and found it. He confronted DD1 in the morning (who actually believes that’s how he found it). She was very remorseful and teary. She insists she was not going to drink it but was stashing it for friends who were afraid of getting caught. (This adds up with what DD2 said.) One was apparently caught with a vape before and got into huge trouble. DH poured the vodka down the sink and confiscated the vape. DD1 woke me and told me what had happened. I stayed calm and told her I was very disappointed and we talked about trust and the dangers of alcohol especially spirits etc. I actually believe DD was not planning to drink it (although maybe might have changed her mind later at the party!). DD is on medication and is very aware she should not mix it with alcohol. I told her when she is 15 or 16 and off the medication we will have a beer / cider together. I asked her if there is anything else she needs to tell me and she then admitted she took a bottle of Pimms from the house about a week ago and gave it to a friend. I had no idea! I was glad she was honest but explained it is very serious to provide alcohol to anyone else. If anything happens to that kid it will be traced back to her. This freaked her out. She has texted the friend and told her get rid of it. The friend has sent a pic back of an empty bottle. The pic could be from the internet or the friend is shitting herself that she will get into trouble. We have had a lot of open discussion about it since this morning and how she can deal with these situations and what is safe etc. She is going to the party tonight.

Thanks to everyone for the good advice. The way I dealt with it above is how I initially wanted to deal with it. I never wanted to stop her from going to the all important party after everything she has been through but I did question if that would then be seeing as too soft. Glad to know it is not.

OP posts: