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Original poster

DD has vodka stashed in her room - advice please!

172 replies

Namechangeteentroubles · 28/10/2022 22:05

Back story; DD in Y10 has recently started at a new school after years of hating her own school, anxiety, friendship issues etc. We had a very very rough time with her these last couple of years, lots of therapy etc. She was miserable. She has adapted very well to the new school and has a great group of friends and is behaving much more like a regular teen girl. It has been a huge relief.

She has been invited to her first party at a friends house tomorrow and has been really looking forward to it for a couple of weeks. She has been quite open saying that some kids in her school have drunk alcohol and it is possible they might try to sneak some in etc. She said I can trust her etc. I’ve never had reason not to before. She has always been very well behaved. However, younger DD2 just told me that DD1 has told her that she has vodka (bought with a friend from someone at school) and a vape hidden in her room to bring to the party tomorrow. She is apparently not planning to drink it herself, she is bringing it for a friend and the vape is for someone else. I am livid but haven’t done or said anything yet. I will look for the vodka when she is asleep but once found I’m not sure how to approach this…. I guess she shouldn’t be allowed to go to the party but I actually also feel bad her for her because she finally has a social life after years of misery and she was so looking forward to this…. Any advice appreciated……

OP posts:
Middledazedted · 28/10/2022 23:47

She told her sister either because she wanted you to now or because she is showing off in a childish way. Any of these responses demand that you are the adult who says you know and gets rid of the booze but still lets her go to the party. You don’t let her take vodka because the alcohol poisoning that could result is dangerous. It’s also a risk factor for assault. Can you imagine trying to defend that choice if there was a bad consequence?

GnomeDePlume · 28/10/2022 23:52

Vodka is around 37-40% alcohol. WKD type drinks are around 4% alcohol.

Please dont let her take the vodka to the party watered down.

  1. She does not need to get a reputation for being a heavy drinker at the age of 14
  2. There may be social consequences for her if the fact it is watered down gets known (being fake/a fraud)

Please dont let her take the vodka to the party undiluted.

DD had a party and one guest was drinking neat vodka all evening unbeknownst to anyone. He collapsed in our downstairs loo, vomited everywhere. DH said he was the drunkest person he had ever seen (and he has seen plenty). Ambulance and parents called. He never apologised and is not welcome in our house.

Where did she get the vodka? I would worry if she got it from corner shop type place - there is a lot of counterfeit alcohol out there and some of it is dangerous. The dodgier the shop the more likely it is to be counterfeit.

Let her go to the party. Let her take a small number of WKD type drinks. 2-3 of those is plenty.

Vape? Does it have nicotine? If not then I would worry about it less.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 28/10/2022 23:56

I remember buying a bottle of vodka I was 15
My mum found it and tipped the vodka out and filled it up with water

She didn't mention it for years after the event!!!

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Jalepenojello · 28/10/2022 23:56

I’d still let her go.

i wouldn’t water it down though, the last thing you need is her drinking it and having twice as much next time because she has no idea how strong it is.

Remind her of the rules, tell her she can call if she needs anything but she won’t be taking the vodka full stop .

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 28/10/2022 23:57

I wouldn't let a 14 year old who's never drunk alcohol before take vodka to a party. It's a dangerous A&E trip waiting to happen.

You need to teach her about alcohol pretty sharpish. She needs to know about drinks being spiked, about looking out for her friends and especially about how it's easy to make bad choices when you've had a drink.

Tell her you found the vodka and vape in her room. Take the vodka off her and explain why - spirits are not the place to start with alcohol. Take the vape away too - explain how addictive it can become.

Where is the party? If it's in a house, will the parents be there? Have they put any rules in place about what they will/won't allow at their house? I've known parents check bags of teenagers going into their houses. Is she prepared for that?

You need to talk to your daughter about what she's expecting to happen at the party. Has she been around drunk people before?

I'd let her go to the party, without the vodka, and I'd let her take 2 much lower alcoholic drinks instead, with the understanding that this is the last party she goes to if she comes home steaming.

Meanwhile... at home, you can start giving both DDs a small alcoholic drink when you have one so they can learn to drink responsibly.

Deadcatsboneytale · 28/10/2022 23:58

Namechangeteentroubles · 28/10/2022 22:23

SavingThreads: I was thinking of replacing the vodka with watering not saying anything.

Don’t do this, you’ll make a fool out of her in front of her friends or she’ll get a false idea of her capacity to hold alcohol. She won’t trust you or DD2 in the future. IMO the vape is the bigger problem.

Hana89 · 28/10/2022 23:59

Namechangeteentroubles · 28/10/2022 22:33

MrsMitford I agree. There is no way I am going to let DD bring vodka to the party not only because I don't want her drinking it but I also have to think of the host family. The question is do I still allow her to go to the party minus the vodka and vape? Should she not be punished for lying etc? If not, will I look like a push over? She will be devastated if she can't go. That is all she has talked about. But we had clearly set boundaries....

It's completely your call OP but given what a tough time she's had and how excited she is for the party, I'd be inclined to let her go. If you can find the vodka and vape then of course discuss it with her, but these are new friends, and she may have volunteered to be the "holder" to solidify her place in the group. If that is the case she might be really worried about going empty handed if you confiscate the things so please do talk it through with her and perhaps offer her something else to take instead. I know it all sounds silly, but I remember how important these things were twenty years ago when I was 14! Haha!

Dreamingcats · 29/10/2022 00:02

SD1978 · 28/10/2022 22:23

DD2 is telling tales and trying to cause shit.... no 12 yr old is going to be wringing their hands and crying at the thought their older sister has a quarter bottle of vodka and a vape.....regardless, I would be having a more generalised chat with DD1, regarding expectations, behaviour, and consequences if she breaks your trust and is drinking, etc at a party.

Not true. I would have done so at that age, alcohol totally freaked me out.

sjxoxo · 29/10/2022 00:09

You should punish your dd2 for being so snitchy!!! I doubt very much your daughter hasn’t had a drink before… Rather than approach it with a telling off, I would teach her about alcohol consumption and how much is too much and to always make her own drinks and understand the risks of drinks being spiked. when is the party? If you’ve got time I would even have a drink together one evening. She’ll feel like crap after and it might help her to see the downside. Your daughter will eventually drink and get pissed even if it’s not at this party. I’d buy her some mixers for that vodka so she’s not drinking it neat. Also absolutely take her and pick her up, no excuses on that, even if she is absolutely pissed make sure you pick her up. No staying over Xxx

janeseymour78 · 29/10/2022 00:11

Big deal OP. If she's anything like me she'll hate the stuff post teenager. 😂

Greybutterfly · 29/10/2022 00:13

Have a conversation about it. She has just made friends and wants to fit it. Buy her some alco pops and say you will be there to pick her up. You say she is in with a good crowd so build the trust. Why is youngest DD crying over this? She is shit stirring and trying to get her in trouble, don’t pander to this !!!

ArseMenagerie · 29/10/2022 00:13

Omg let her go! Take the vodka and the vape away and let her go.

Summerfun54321 · 29/10/2022 00:27

Just be happy she has friends. Use the opportunity for you to have a very frank conversation with her about the dangers of drinking and that drinking can put her in a vulnerable state. Tell her you are picking her up at the end of the party but that you are also willing to pick her up at any time in the night no questions asked. Let her decide if she wants to take the vodka still after your chat.

Lindengericht · 29/10/2022 00:38

Are you in contact with any of her friends parents? I wonder what their stance is on the subject.

I would definitely take away the vodka and replace with a couple of cans of mixed drinks and some alcohol free options that look alcoholic. But I would explain fully why I was doing that, and give her the opportunity to discuss with you. (Esp if her and her friends have clubbed together).

My parents used to let me have a shandy with dinner on a weekend. I hated the taste but drank it as I felt very grown up. Haha.

SamanthaVimes · 29/10/2022 06:29

I wouldn’t let her take the vodka but would get her a couple of alcopops or pre mixed cans of something. I’d confiscate the vape.

At 14/15 I certainly had booze at parties but neat vodka is a bit much. I’d also be having a long chat about alcohol safety before she went.

You can’t stop her drinking, teenagers will find a way. At least this way you know what she’s got and where she is.

HighDudgeonAtBerks · 29/10/2022 07:06

I would sit her down and say, “Before you go to the party I want to give you one last chance to tell me everything. Just this once whatever you tell me will have no consequences.

” If you’re planning on lying then I would think really carefully about the possibility that I already know the truth, and what that would mean if I knew you were lying and you lied anyway. If you tell me the truth now - even if it goes against what you told me before - you can still go to the party and we can come up with a plan for what you take with you together. If you lie to me now then there will be consequences. This is your chance to do things in the right way.”

Make sure she understands that this is her chance to come clean and not be punished. If she’s honest reward her by planning on buying some alcopops to take or something.

Don’t let on that dd2 told you, pretend that your mum radar was pinging that something was wrong. She’s much more likely to be honest in the future if she thinks you can suss her out and you don’t want her relationship with dd2 to suffer.

TheaBrandt · 29/10/2022 07:13

If you play that game she’s backed into a corner then she’ll likely lie. That’s what people do. Then you’ve backed yourself into not letting her go at all which has the potential to spiral back to no friends misery. Honestly don’t play games - frank / open / firm “how do we deal with this together” approach.

70billionthnamechange · 29/10/2022 07:32

Some people are so full of shit on here. I wouldn't believe it at all @surreygirl1987

TheaBrandt · 29/10/2022 07:41

Op go onto the other thread “friendly handhold for parents of teens” under parenting there’s some great advice from parents of older teens

BigSandyBalls2015 · 29/10/2022 07:52

Don’t stop her going, it sounds like she’s been through a lot and has finally found some friends. Missing this party could ruin that.

Year 10 is the year these parties start, it’s all very normal, but also very worrying for us parents. Talk to her, tell her you found the vodka and vape when you were tidying up and explain your
concerns. Buy her some little pre mixed cans.

I hated the 14-17 teen years with mine.

Fe345fleur · 29/10/2022 07:59

Sounds like she's trying to be seen as cool in front of her friends. I wouldn't let a 14 year old go to a party with neat vodka, she's no idea how strong it is. Have a chat to her about it but don't stop her going to the party. On the condition she has to go without booze and vape. If she comes back in a state then you can talk consequences.

EarringsandLipstick · 29/10/2022 08:01

Some of these replies ... 😳

Not a hope in hell I'd be ok with a 14 yo drinking, let alone vodka.

I've no idea why so many of you want to tiptoe around this issue (watering it down etc). I would directly ask DD, and I would make sure there was no alcohol being taken to the party.

I also don't know where you live that drinking at 14 is normal! 16 onwards yes but 14 is way to young for alcohol.

I note your DD has had a tough time & I get why you don't want to stop her going to the party. But you need to really talk to her about the boundaries around her behaviour, drop her & pick her up, and make sure she hasn't had anything to drink.

Surely at 14 there is adult supervision at the party?

DeadbeatYoda · 29/10/2022 08:05

Absolutely gobsmacked at the prevalence of attack on DD2. Snitch? What a pathetic notion for adults to be espousing. The concept of 'grassing' is created by people with shitty intentions to bully people into not speaking up when they should. The reinforcement of this idea by adults allows bullies to get away with tormenting other children at school, inadequate pieces of crap at work to bully people they manage and abusive pigs to batter their partners. As parents, it is our job to model decency and offer moral guidance. Snitch? FFS
I would have a chat with your DD 1, tell her you found the vodka and the vape. Let her know that you understand she wants to feel accepted and part of the new crew but that you are laying boundaries down about what she takes. No to vodka. No to vaping. I have a DD 14 too, off to a Halloween party this evening ( she is my youngest child). I will send her along with supplies ( snacks and her favourite soft drinks) and let her know that alcohol is a no until her body is old enough to metabolise it. If she takes a swig of something here or there, it's not going to be the end of the world but she's a bright girl and knows not to push the boundaries too dar. Thankfully, her friend group are all lovely with relatively sensible parents so there will be adults at the party ( as there should be at that age). Most importantly, this is definitely not a matter to get cross about. Your DD is growing up, growing away from her family and it's completely normal to make these errors of judgement.

ObjectionSustained · 29/10/2022 08:07

Seeing as there's only 2 years between your DDs, I think you're being very naive as to the intentions of DD2.
She's in high school, she's not a young child who is going to be petrified of alcohol - I think you need to speak with her about not snitching, and remind her that this could very likely be her in a few years time; would she like it?

It also sounds as though you want to stop DD1 from going? I really wouldn't. You'll be punishing her for, what is, fairly normal teenage behaviour.
I was drinking at her age - but mainly wine or a bottle of Sourz (remember that stuff? Envy) - and I was socially smoking too. I'd say it's pretty normal for that sort of age group to have a few drinks/drags on a cigarette.
Don't come down on her like a ton of bricks, don't water the alcohol down and don't stop her from going.

Have a frank conversation with her about alcohol - how easy it is to not know your limits, drink spiking, having water/lemonade in between drinks, stopping before you go to far.
Same for the vape - explain how it's an extremely expensive, addictive habit. I'm more concerned about vaping than smoking as they taste nice and have high volumes of nicotine in them.

Take the vodka and the vape, replace them with some WKD, premixed cans, low % wine and let her go and enjoy herself. You're picking her up, so don't need to worry about a curfew.

fdkc · 29/10/2022 08:10

Namechangeteentroubles · 28/10/2022 22:40

Would anyone on here not allow DD to go to the after after lying?

After what she has been through in the past I would allow her to go. She possibly only bought the vodka and vape due to peer pressure and we all remember what that's like.