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Original poster

DD has vodka stashed in her room - advice please!

172 replies

Namechangeteentroubles · 28/10/2022 22:05

Back story; DD in Y10 has recently started at a new school after years of hating her own school, anxiety, friendship issues etc. We had a very very rough time with her these last couple of years, lots of therapy etc. She was miserable. She has adapted very well to the new school and has a great group of friends and is behaving much more like a regular teen girl. It has been a huge relief.

She has been invited to her first party at a friends house tomorrow and has been really looking forward to it for a couple of weeks. She has been quite open saying that some kids in her school have drunk alcohol and it is possible they might try to sneak some in etc. She said I can trust her etc. I’ve never had reason not to before. She has always been very well behaved. However, younger DD2 just told me that DD1 has told her that she has vodka (bought with a friend from someone at school) and a vape hidden in her room to bring to the party tomorrow. She is apparently not planning to drink it herself, she is bringing it for a friend and the vape is for someone else. I am livid but haven’t done or said anything yet. I will look for the vodka when she is asleep but once found I’m not sure how to approach this…. I guess she shouldn’t be allowed to go to the party but I actually also feel bad her for her because she finally has a social life after years of misery and she was so looking forward to this…. Any advice appreciated……

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangeteentroubles · 28/10/2022 22:33

MrsMitford I agree. There is no way I am going to let DD bring vodka to the party not only because I don't want her drinking it but I also have to think of the host family. The question is do I still allow her to go to the party minus the vodka and vape? Should she not be punished for lying etc? If not, will I look like a push over? She will be devastated if she can't go. That is all she has talked about. But we had clearly set boundaries....

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangeteentroubles · 28/10/2022 22:35

PutinIsAWarCriminal; how old are your teens? wondering when it is ok to let them have glass of wine / beer

OP posts:
AlicesAttic · 28/10/2022 22:35

Did you never smoke and drink socially at that age? I certainly did.

I used to buy premixed vodka coke cans for DD , and send her off to parties with just one or two; they're only one unit of alcohol so not very strong, but it was enough to help her relax and feel that she wasn't the only sober person. Would be less happy about the vape but would let it go for one party.

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AlmostOver22 · 28/10/2022 22:37

People being very harsh to DD2!! Kids can get very worried about siblings and a 12 year old is likely to think that alcohol is a very scary concept.

Some people here are being ludicrous. you can’t let her take the alcohol to the party because your 12 year old knows that you know about it. You can’t knowingly send a child to another persons house with alcohol and the intention to pass it around - it’s not fair to the other children or their parents.

Id talk to her. Tell her you’re upset that she lied and she cannot on this occasion bring alcohol to the party. You might or might not give her the green light to have one or two drinks if someone else gives them to her (with the alcohol safety lecture and the instruction to not get drunk, but also the understanding that she might anyway!) but what I would definitely do is tell her that she mustn’t and needn’t lie.

Original poster
Namechangeteentroubles · 28/10/2022 22:37

AlicesAttic; I don't think I had at 14. Closer to 16 and cider not vodka.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 28/10/2022 22:39

It’s part of growing up.

sneak in and water it down

Have a conv with her where you say if you do decide to try a drink stick to beer, and if you must try a spirit dilute dilute dilute, then give her some helpful orange juice to take.

Fess up you came across it and watered it down in a wee while as you didn’t want her to make a tool of herself, and so she realises she needs to be careful with the full strength stuff in future. (yes she is planning to drink it FYI, and try the vape.)

Teens have to separate from the tribe to become their own people (that’s one theory as to why they sleep late - to put them out of step with adults and kids). Don’t take it personally.

Just ignore you little one. Whatever is motivating her doesn’t sound straightforward, and you don’t want the two of them falling out.

LondonQueen · 28/10/2022 22:39

The vodka will give her a hangover and put her off, whereas the vape is addictive and hard to kick. I'd say no to the vape but the vodka would be fair game.

Notjusta · 28/10/2022 22:40

I agree it's normal. I don't think it's ok. I would tell her you found the vodka and vape (claim you came across it don't involve DD2) and are confiscating them. I would allow her to go to the party but with an earlier curfew than you might otherwise have given.

Original poster
Namechangeteentroubles · 28/10/2022 22:40

Would anyone on here not allow DD to go to the after after lying?

OP posts:
PutinIsAWarCriminal · 28/10/2022 22:40

@Namechangeteentroubles the youngest is 14, but they have been having very small amounts for a couple of years - a thimble of Baileys at Christmas, or a very week shandy or splitzer, that sort of thing! I wanted to take away the mystery of alcohol, like my parents did with me. I remember as a young teen friends trying alcohol for the first time at the park or at a party, ending up in hospital, but worse were the dangerous situations girls particularly got into with (usually older) boys after too much to drink.

Discovereads · 28/10/2022 22:41

I’d pretend I didn’t know about the vodka or vape in your shoes.
Your DD has been miserable and had trouble making friends and so her MH sounds pretty fragile. So I’d let her go as planned to the party. If she gets caught, she gets caught.

The alternative is searching her room, finding it, forbidding her from going and she loses her friends and her social life and is back on that downward spiral. It also puts a strain on your relationship with her as well. And she’d figure put her sister grassed on her, which will mean that relationship is strained too.

A bit of alcohol at a teen party is pretty normal and she’s said she’s not planning on drinking it herself. So I would be 🙈🙉🙊

Luredbyapomegranate · 28/10/2022 22:41

Namechangeteentroubles · 28/10/2022 22:40

Would anyone on here not allow DD to go to the after after lying?

I doubt it.

That really is how to fall out with her.

She’s fourteen, she’s flapping her wings.

RedHelenB · 28/10/2022 22:42

LazyJayne · 28/10/2022 22:09

Tell DD2 to bore off

This. She's trying to get her big sister in trouble. I'd leave it she's Y10..She may well end up telling you about it herself if you don't go steaming in

AlmostOver22 · 28/10/2022 22:45

I think letting her go with an earlier curfew is a good idea. Not too early but early enough that she knows that lying makes people lose trust and loses you privileges.

LimonyLemony · 28/10/2022 22:46

DD2 will have been over the moon to grass her sister up, the tears are for show.

Please let DD1 go to this party, she’s had enough punishment with her struggles as it is. I’d also turn a blind eye to the vodka and vape, but I was doing way worse at her age, all turned out fine in the end!

Original poster
Namechangeteentroubles · 28/10/2022 22:46

AlmostOver22: I think you are right about DD2. She seemed genuinely scared for DD1 and was also crying about how she never wants to go to parties when she is older etc.

OP posts:
Icantthinkwhat · 28/10/2022 22:46

Yes my first got drunk on vodka at a bonfire carnival. I dropped her off and got called back about 90 minutes later as she had 'food poisoning' and was throwing up... it was enough of a shocker that she was vehemently anti any drink until past Uni age and now a very occasional drinker.

Bin bags in the car on the way home. Along with paracetamol on standby. DO NOT have 'the conversation' with her until she is sober and post hangover.

I've had 7 (3 mine, 4 DHs) and not one did not do something like this .. it just makes her very normal and sorry but DD2 is being a snitch .

MrsTimRiggins · 28/10/2022 22:47

Ah happy memories of getting absolutely wankered on vodka at the same age and never even looking at it again… I’m now nearly 29 😂
honestly your dd2 needs to have a bit of a stern talking to about sticking her nose in. I don’t believe she was worried about her sister.. but then I suppose I don’t know the entire back story which may give that credibility
Honestly I think I’d let this one ride. She’s lying of course saying the vodka is for her friends and not her, but she’ll learn the most from the stinking hangover if she tries to go from drinking nada (also potentially not true) to drinking vodka. Bloody teenagers. Think they’re invincible.

JackieWeaveristheboss · 28/10/2022 22:50

I think this is a really tough age, especially at a new school. Could you talk to her an offer her some low alcohol options? A few beers or low alcopop bottles to make her feel part of the group/party.
Don’t water down the vodka. It is a strong drink and she will think that she can handle it if you water it down.

Rockingcloggs · 28/10/2022 22:50

Namechangeteentroubles · 28/10/2022 22:46

AlmostOver22: I think you are right about DD2. She seemed genuinely scared for DD1 and was also crying about how she never wants to go to parties when she is older etc.

I think you're being incredibly naive about DD2s intentions OP!

babydoco · 28/10/2022 22:51

Your 12 year old daughter was crying her eyes out because her sister is taking some booze to a party? Why?

Notjusta · 28/10/2022 22:51

God I can't believe the nastiness about DD2 here!

So funny that generally there is a fairly strong anti-alcohol attitude on MN, but weirdly not for 14 y/o with vodka!

LoraOldSpot · 28/10/2022 22:53

Please just let her go! My parents were like you and poured my vodka down the sink! It just isolated me from friends it’s perfectly normal at her age to be starting drinking etc.

Original poster
Namechangeteentroubles · 28/10/2022 22:53

babydoco; she was very stressed having been told by DD that she had alcohol and a vape. It took me a while to get it out of her. I actually thought she was going to tell me something much worse. DD2 is not really the snitching type at all.

OP posts:
Rockingcloggs · 28/10/2022 22:53

Notjusta · 28/10/2022 22:51

God I can't believe the nastiness about DD2 here!

So funny that generally there is a fairly strong anti-alcohol attitude on MN, but weirdly not for 14 y/o with vodka!

There's no nastiness but nor do I think people believe she grassed her up out of fear for her health.