Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

DD has vodka stashed in her room - advice please!

172 replies

Namechangeteentroubles · 28/10/2022 22:05

Back story; DD in Y10 has recently started at a new school after years of hating her own school, anxiety, friendship issues etc. We had a very very rough time with her these last couple of years, lots of therapy etc. She was miserable. She has adapted very well to the new school and has a great group of friends and is behaving much more like a regular teen girl. It has been a huge relief.

She has been invited to her first party at a friends house tomorrow and has been really looking forward to it for a couple of weeks. She has been quite open saying that some kids in her school have drunk alcohol and it is possible they might try to sneak some in etc. She said I can trust her etc. I’ve never had reason not to before. She has always been very well behaved. However, younger DD2 just told me that DD1 has told her that she has vodka (bought with a friend from someone at school) and a vape hidden in her room to bring to the party tomorrow. She is apparently not planning to drink it herself, she is bringing it for a friend and the vape is for someone else. I am livid but haven’t done or said anything yet. I will look for the vodka when she is asleep but once found I’m not sure how to approach this…. I guess she shouldn’t be allowed to go to the party but I actually also feel bad her for her because she finally has a social life after years of misery and she was so looking forward to this…. Any advice appreciated……

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 28/10/2022 22:54

Open the vodka, empty some and add lemonade.

Be thankful you have a heads up and are aware of the outcome. But dare I say it, kids these days are a bit more forward than I was. Is there likely to be sexual activity?

When I was 12 I went to a friends party, we all sneaked booze. It was I admit pretty bad, my parent collected me and were horrified. I didn’t touch alcohol again 🤢for a good few years. Also banned from friends house for life.

EllaPaella · 28/10/2022 22:54

When I was in year 10 we dabbled with alcopops and lambrusco not neat vodka!! I wouldn't be so relaxed as some.

Notjusta · 28/10/2022 22:56

babydoco · 28/10/2022 22:51

Your 12 year old daughter was crying her eyes out because her sister is taking some booze to a party? Why?

Perhaps because she's seen or heard (at school in lessons) about the risks of alcohol and at that age they take it pretty seriously? They don't have the bravado of teens yet and still buy into all the scare stories. I could see my DS2 being a bit like this. He is a rule follower and would worry if he thought his big brother was going to do something her perceived as dangerous.

Reminds me of when DS1 caught his dad vaping. He was really upset and eventually plucked up the courage to tell me. He was scared for his dad's health.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting Secondary education
monkeysmum21 · 28/10/2022 22:57

Notjusta · 28/10/2022 22:51

God I can't believe the nastiness about DD2 here!

So funny that generally there is a fairly strong anti-alcohol attitude on MN, but weirdly not for 14 y/o with vodka!

My thoughts exactly!

peanutbutterontoast7 · 28/10/2022 22:57

She's just at that age OP.
My parents were so ridiculously strict with me that when I went to parties I had other peoples parents buying my booze and staying out. Thinking back now I just think how likely I was to have not come into any harm!

I'd be tempted to water the vodka down if it was hers 🙈

Eranzer · 28/10/2022 22:58

Just tell DD you've found it, and that she's not drinking vodka, get her some WKDs/Smirnoff ice or whatever the kids drink these days, don't make a big song and dance about it. If you're calm and casual about it, she will likely feel more comfortable telling you about things in future, which would obviously work out better for both of you.

TheaBrandt · 28/10/2022 23:01

We found vapes in dd2 room (just 14) recently. We had a "we are disappointed in you" talk and emphasised that we give her freedom and expected her not to misuse that. Talked about the health aspect and how the effects are unknown but young people who vape are 4 times more likely to smoke. Said now she was at a crossroads and her choices could have real impact on her as an adult. She was apologetic and weepy and pledged to work harder at school/not do it again etc. The next week we get an email from her maths teacher singing her praises. So I would start off collaborative and calm to try to keep the lines of communication open. We didnt ground her or trash her friendships. They are her life.

Oh and the little sister - what a little snitch! Utter breaking of the sister code there.

monkeysmum21 · 28/10/2022 23:03

I personally would not pretend that drinking it’s an appropriate thing for teens. Their brain is still developing, girls are raped while drunk, etc. Yes they’ll do it anyway but I would show zero tolerance to alcohol consumption and hangovers while my child lives under my roof.
One friend of mine works as a therapist in detox clinic, unfortunately she has lots of alcoholics under 18.

TheaBrandt · 28/10/2022 23:05

I totally agree with monkeysmum on the vodka. Discourage it, bin it say you don't condone it, shes too young and its bad. If she does it anyway at least you have tried and made your position clear. I would let her go to the party though especially with the background here.

EdieLedwell · 28/10/2022 23:08

Blimey I'd never allow a 14yo to take vodka to a party. She could get seriously rat arsed and anything could happen to her.

My DS got smashed on vodka at a party when he was 16, his girlfriend had to call us to come get him, (she was also hammered, but not nearly as bad). He was sick as a dog for 24 hours, couldn't stand up, puking everywhere.

I'd be wary OP.

BowiesJumper · 28/10/2022 23:08

This is what teenagers do. I was around the same age when we started this nonsense.

I would sit down and chat with your eldest about it. Say you found them and you’re going to take them, but tell her why (vapes are dangerous and can affect your heart etc, vodka is too strong). If you’re comfortable with it you can give her a couple of cans of premixed stuff or Bacardi breezer type things and tell her you’re trusting her to be sensible. I wouldn’t ban her from the party poor girl.

DucklingDaisy · 28/10/2022 23:08

Tell her you found it, that it’s way too strong for her at this age and that it risks making her vulnerable, sick and embarassing. Get her two cans of cider or something instead and tell her if she’s going to drink, do it slowly and alternate with plenty of water. Bin the vape.

Original poster
Namechangeteentroubles · 28/10/2022 23:10

TheaBrandt; good advice on being collaborative. Thanks!

DD2 - not a snitch! Definitely more like what Notjusta said.

OP posts:
BowiesJumper · 28/10/2022 23:11

Also, give her a curfew and pick her up from the party so you know she’s safe?

thelobsterquadrille · 28/10/2022 23:13

Don't most 14-15 year olds do this? I know I certainly did when I was that age and I don't drink as an adult.

It's a normal part of being a teenager - rebelling, pushing the boundaries, trying to find your tribe and seeing what you enjoy and what you don't.

I wouldn't let on that I knew but I'd be prepared to go and pick her up in case she overdid it.

Original poster
Namechangeteentroubles · 28/10/2022 23:14

Def a curfew and picking her up rom the party. Had already said to her we are picking her up and she didn't like that too much.

OP posts:
SaySomethingMan · 28/10/2022 23:18

Gosh OP, what a difficult situation! Your DD2 sounds like me. I didn’t touch alcohol till university and still not a fan. She sounds like she told you because she’s worried about her Dsis.
Is DD2 good at keeping secrets? If she isn’t, could DD1 have told her so she could tell you indirectly so you’d save her?

I’d be wary of this “great group of friends” at the new school. Sometimes the vulnerable can be spotted easily and taken advantage of .

TravelorNot · 28/10/2022 23:23
  1. If you ban her from going to the party that will have social consequences for her given what you have written.
  2. if you just take the vodka away- she will just end up drinking other friends alcohol or getting friends to store it for her at their house at future parties ( plenty of my friends did that when I was young)
  3. you can't hide your head in the sand - there will be alcohol at parties or they will drink before they arrive, sneak it in or do whatever teenagers do
  4. talk to her openly, say you stumbled upon it, be non judgmental, buy some low alcohol cans etc so she has stuff to take, explain she should never drink someone else's drink in case of spiking ( probably more for later when she is older but good to start now), explain the different types of alcohol and strength etc, and tell her what to do if someone gets too drunk and that she should look out for her friends and they for her.

In short, unless you lock her up for the next 6 years she is going to have to learn to manage this and hopefully have a relationship where she can talk to you about it.

Good luck - I have been there, it is confronting and horrible but now way around it. It is important to keep communications open now as it is only going to get more complex as she gets older.

Augend23 · 28/10/2022 23:28

Hmmm

It's difficult. I definitely wouldn't have been allowed to take vodka to a party. But friends did, I got accidentally pretty pissed at 15, threw up, spent the next day hungover walking round a national trust place and have never touched other people's mixed drinks since.

I drank regularly at home from year 9, parties started year 10 and continued regularly through to the end of sixth form.

I know it's bad for developing brains,

formulatingAresponse · 28/10/2022 23:28

This is what normal teenagers do

Augend23 · 28/10/2022 23:29

Posted too soon

Bad for developing brains, but when I look at how my friends who had very strict parents coped, they wentb pretty off the rails at 18 and didn't get used to it over time which was a mess.

Justasmallgless · 28/10/2022 23:30

You and her dad need to decide what your thresholds are.
Personally no way my 14yr old dd would be taking vodka to a party.

What have parents who are hosting said?

DS has had friends round for his 16th and we have said cider/ lager only no spirits.

British culture is horrendous about binge drinking and I try and discuss this with DC

surreygirl1987 · 28/10/2022 23:31

Bloody hell, from the responses here I must be the strictest parent on the planet! Absolutely no way in hell would my 14yo have a bottle of vodka in their room to take to a party and me be cool with it and let it run its course. Really dangerous and irresponsible parenting here. Mine can have a glass of wine or a beer with us with our supervision occasionally, but that's it

Agreed - I'm amazed by the responses on here!!

TheaBrandt · 28/10/2022 23:36

Going in ranting and raving and banning her from seeing her friends isn’t going to help long term though is it? Especially if the poor kid has had friendship /MH issues in the past. Lots of us advocate telling her it’s wrong discussing it but keeping lines of communication with her open.

When we were in this position I was so glad I talked to more experienced teen parents before acting rather than flying off the handle as I probably would have initially done.

Singleandproud · 28/10/2022 23:45

Use this as an opportunity to open u communication.

Yes you are disappointed but you understand why she did it fitting in, new school, x, Y, z.

No, she can't take a bottle of vodka as it is too strong but yes, she can take a couple of those premixed cans of vodka and coke, or southern comfort and lemonade which shell be fine with and a couple of alcohol free ciders (that look the same as the alcoholic ones, tell her to pour it in a glass and no one will know the difference).

She's not to get into anyone's car on the way home incase they've been drinking (incase there are older friends/siblings at the party) and you'll pick her up.