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Original poster

Need help urgently :(

111 replies

StephieA · 16/10/2022 12:09

This is going to be long so please bear with me.

I have 3 children, 13, 9 and 4.

My eldest has autism and my youngest had adhd. My eldests real dad is not on the scene but he has had my ex as a father role since a baby. Around 4 months ago my eldest went to stay as his nanas for the weekend. The nana is my exs mum. He really struggles with my youngest behaviour due to his autism and he wanted a break. However ive basically not seen him since.

I had a horrible relationship with my ex as he was violent and abusive. What has happened now is that my ex and his mum have well and truly poisoned my son against me to the point he wont see or speak to me. At first, I let it go a bit as I know he struggles to see things that arent black and white but now its getting beyond that and he hates me. He thinks ive somehow abused him and not looked after him. His nana has made life for him there like a hotel, something I couldnt do with 3 children to look after and now he thinks that is how it should be and that I was slacking.

Ive begged him to see me but he wont. Now they are putting a claim in for him and this is going to result in my losing my home as I get an allowence for 3 bedrooms and it will drop to 2.

What do I do? Do i go to mediation with my son? Do I just drag him back? Do I go through court? His condition makes it so difficult because he can just cut off from his feelings. He went 6 months without seeing his dad and nana for no reason at all and now he is doing it to me but with the added extra of them firing the flame.

They have always lied and wanted to 'win' and this is another way of getting at me.

I just want my son back :(

OP posts:
PeekabooAtTheZoo · 16/10/2022 12:14

Social services and family courts seem to take parental alienation quite seriously these days. Get a solicitor and explain that this is parental alienation. But if the child doesn’t want to live with you, it will be hard for them to settle with you again after this. I’m sorry this is happening to you.

Eupraxia · 16/10/2022 12:20

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Original poster
StephieA · 16/10/2022 13:39

I want my son back at home with his mum where he was perfectly happy before. We were so close and had an amazing relationship. I’m massively concerned that they are turning a vulnerable child against his mum when we had such a close bond before. He has out on a massive amount of weight since being there because he just sits in his bedroom eating constantly and is obviously not in a good state of mind by the way he is being with me.

His standard of living was amazing with me, I just didn’t make full cooked breakfasts every morning or get take out 4 times a week which is what he is getting now and thinks that’s what he should be getting if I ‘cared’ about him. They have got it into his head that my youngest is the most important to me because (with him being younger) more of my time was spent dealing with him and they have used that against me. Now I get told ‘we’ll it was your decision to have another baby’ if I ever say that sometimes younger children need more looking after etc.

I just want my son back and to know what is going through his head. We were such a happy unit, went out, had lots of fun times but it’s like it’s been wiped from his memory

OP posts:
Original poster
StephieA · 16/10/2022 13:40

Also, they have no parental responsibility over him at all. Surely as his mum I decide where a 13 year old child lives?

OP posts:
cataline · 16/10/2022 14:02

So this isn't his real dad and grandma?

They have no rights over him at all then!

Original poster
StephieA · 16/10/2022 14:17

No. They aren’t his real nana or dad. I asked them multiple times to sit down with me and my son and chat but they have refused and continued to tell him to stay with them and that he is better off there and that I don’t care about him. His autism means once something is in his head it’s gospel and I just can’t get through to him and I can’t see him!

OP posts:
ZooTropia · 16/10/2022 14:18

RTFT

It's her ex's mother

TheresABearOverThere · 16/10/2022 14:20

Call the police then! It's kidnap surely?

Anneofwindypoplars · 16/10/2022 14:21

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What an awful post.

outtheshowernow · 16/10/2022 14:22

If it's not his real nan or dad then they can't do this. You need to call the police as it's actually kidnap

outtheshowernow · 16/10/2022 14:23

They have zero rights to even see your son let alone have him live with them

Eupraxia · 16/10/2022 14:24

Your post reads as though the trigger for you wanting your son back living either you is that they are "putting a claim in for him and this is going to result in my losing my home"

He's been living there since June, so has had all the Summer holidays there and done back to school and all that. You were happy to pass over responsibility then. And now they they are (presumably) requesting to receive child benefit for the child living there, it occurs to you you'll lose some housing allowance and thats made you want him back.

That may not be the case, but its what it reads like.

Anyway, if your son wants to live in hge care of his Grandma, you stopping him will not go down well. Fight for visitation rights, not residency against his will.

Is his Dad his real dad? Is he on the birth certificate?

anyoneanyoneanyone · 16/10/2022 14:25

Wow this is awful. You're being bullied here. Call the police.

Are you autistic too? It sounds like you're vulnerable x

TheresABearOverThere · 16/10/2022 14:27

Eupraxia · 16/10/2022 14:24

Your post reads as though the trigger for you wanting your son back living either you is that they are "putting a claim in for him and this is going to result in my losing my home"

He's been living there since June, so has had all the Summer holidays there and done back to school and all that. You were happy to pass over responsibility then. And now they they are (presumably) requesting to receive child benefit for the child living there, it occurs to you you'll lose some housing allowance and thats made you want him back.

That may not be the case, but its what it reads like.

Anyway, if your son wants to live in hge care of his Grandma, you stopping him will not go down well. Fight for visitation rights, not residency against his will.

Is his Dad his real dad? Is he on the birth certificate?

Read the bloody thread! No, he's not his dad. Nor is his gran his biological gran. Neither of them have any legal relationship to the child.

januarysalesmania · 16/10/2022 14:28

What do you mean by "putting in a claim for him for him"? They don't have PR. They can't claim child benefit or any money for having him there.
As he has a disability which will be impacting his ability to make decisions and increases his vulnerability (on top of being 13), id call social services and ask for their advice on how to tackle this.

MissyB1 · 16/10/2022 14:28

Eupraxia · 16/10/2022 14:24

Your post reads as though the trigger for you wanting your son back living either you is that they are "putting a claim in for him and this is going to result in my losing my home"

He's been living there since June, so has had all the Summer holidays there and done back to school and all that. You were happy to pass over responsibility then. And now they they are (presumably) requesting to receive child benefit for the child living there, it occurs to you you'll lose some housing allowance and thats made you want him back.

That may not be the case, but its what it reads like.

Anyway, if your son wants to live in hge care of his Grandma, you stopping him will not go down well. Fight for visitation rights, not residency against his will.

Is his Dad his real dad? Is he on the birth certificate?

These people are not biologically related to this boy.

allboysmum3 · 16/10/2022 14:29

I would turn up at the door and refuse to leave unless it's with your son. If they refuse to hand him over then you phone the police and tell them your son is in a house with your ex partner's mother and she is refusing to hand him back!

outtheshowernow · 16/10/2022 14:29

ZooTropia · 16/10/2022 14:18

RTFT

It's her ex's mother

It's her ex's mother but she did not say in the post that it was not the real dad or grandma which changes things completely

Crosswithlifeatm · 16/10/2022 14:30

They aren't relations at all then?Then they have no rights and he's only 13.

Quartz2208 · 16/10/2022 14:31

Have you contacted the police?

Crosswithlifeatm · 16/10/2022 14:32

Call social service for help as this will need careful handling for your son ,he will have to come home but you need damage limitation help.

TwoWeeksislong · 16/10/2022 14:36

Unless your ex legally adopted your eldest son, he does not have parental responsibility and this is not a civil matter like when a child refuses to leave one legal parent’s home to visit/return to the other legal parent.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 16/10/2022 14:45

@Eupraxia
Try reading the thread and having a long think before you offer advice. These people are not related to the boy, they are a couple of randoms who have alienated him from his mother.

Original poster
StephieA · 16/10/2022 14:48

outtheshowernow · 16/10/2022 14:29

It's her ex's mother but she did not say in the post that it was not the real dad or grandma which changes things completely

Show quote history

Yea I did. I said he isn’t his real dad

OP posts:
SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 16/10/2022 14:52

OP, first try Social Services - this is a safe guarding issue. Also the school. You could tell the school that these people have no relation to your son and so should not be allowed to pick him up. If you can get the school to agree to only release him to you, perhaps you could be helped to leave school without the kidnappers seeing him, then he would have no choice but to come home with you and you can begin to repair the relationship. This pair sound horrible and not fit to have care of your boy.