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Original poster

Need help urgently :(

111 replies

StephieA · 16/10/2022 12:09

This is going to be long so please bear with me.

I have 3 children, 13, 9 and 4.

My eldest has autism and my youngest had adhd. My eldests real dad is not on the scene but he has had my ex as a father role since a baby. Around 4 months ago my eldest went to stay as his nanas for the weekend. The nana is my exs mum. He really struggles with my youngest behaviour due to his autism and he wanted a break. However ive basically not seen him since.

I had a horrible relationship with my ex as he was violent and abusive. What has happened now is that my ex and his mum have well and truly poisoned my son against me to the point he wont see or speak to me. At first, I let it go a bit as I know he struggles to see things that arent black and white but now its getting beyond that and he hates me. He thinks ive somehow abused him and not looked after him. His nana has made life for him there like a hotel, something I couldnt do with 3 children to look after and now he thinks that is how it should be and that I was slacking.

Ive begged him to see me but he wont. Now they are putting a claim in for him and this is going to result in my losing my home as I get an allowence for 3 bedrooms and it will drop to 2.

What do I do? Do i go to mediation with my son? Do I just drag him back? Do I go through court? His condition makes it so difficult because he can just cut off from his feelings. He went 6 months without seeing his dad and nana for no reason at all and now he is doing it to me but with the added extra of them firing the flame.

They have always lied and wanted to 'win' and this is another way of getting at me.

I just want my son back :(

OP posts:
Original poster
StephieA · 16/10/2022 14:54

I always said it wasn’t going to be permanent. I was never ‘happy’ to pass on responsibility. He went and stayed for the weekend for a break from my youngest who is really hard work, he then said he wanted to stay for the week and I said ok that’s fine. From then on he suddenly became really hostile towards me and has got progressively worse. I spoke to his ‘nana’ and asked what was happening and why he was being so funny with me. She said she didn’t know but things he was saying were not the sort of things he would ever have said.
I have tried numerous times to speak with his nana and my son and asked to see him and asked them to try and talk to him but they just say ‘ok’ then nothing happens.

Now he won’t see me or speak to me at all and asks me to leave him alone and that he doesn’t want to spend any time with me. This is an autistic child who was very very dependent on me and it was a job to get him to spend time away from me.

He is clearly being fed stuff about me. I have been giving his ‘nana’ money whilst he has been staying with her under the belief they knew it was temporary but the fact they have tried to make a claim for him has made me realise they are trying to fully take him off me. It’s not about the money because I was giving it to her anyway…it’s about me missing my son and wanting him back

OP posts:
Autumflower · 16/10/2022 14:55

Why on earth did u not nip this in the bud the second it happened.why would u let him stay with people who are not his relatives.
and it does read like ,you only care now u realise they can claim money for him .
he’s been there since June ???????
seriously…you left him there since June ,nearly 5 months and now you want help ..
I feel sorry for the boy ,I think the ex and his Nan are out of order ,but so are u mum ,for letting it get this bad ..I think you were glad to be free of him for a while ,and u only care now u think it will effect u financially

Autumflower · 16/10/2022 14:56

I wonder why you haven’t raised hell about this
why you haven’t contacted the police and social services,like any other normal parent would …
huummm

Original poster
StephieA · 16/10/2022 15:00

Autumflower · 16/10/2022 14:55

Why on earth did u not nip this in the bud the second it happened.why would u let him stay with people who are not his relatives.
and it does read like ,you only care now u realise they can claim money for him .
he’s been there since June ???????
seriously…you left him there since June ,nearly 5 months and now you want help ..
I feel sorry for the boy ,I think the ex and his Nan are out of order ,but so are u mum ,for letting it get this bad ..I think you were glad to be free of him for a while ,and u only care now u think it will effect u financially

As I said, he went their initially for a break from his younger brother. Then it all starting going wrong and I thought with his autism he just needed time to get over the phase (he did this with his dad and nana a few years ago and refused to see them). But now it’s got to a point where I feel they are trying to take him off me completely and them putting this claim in makes me think they are ignoring my requests for them to talk to him and encourage him to come home. I’m been giving them the money I get for him so the financial side makes no difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
StephieA · 16/10/2022 15:02

It’s only come to a head today when I asked them to speak to me. I’ve spoken to ss in the meantime and they are going to ring them. I’ll be contacting school tomorrow and putting things in place for him to come home asap

OP posts:
Autumflower · 16/10/2022 15:02

You say your ex was violent and abusive
what were you thinking letting your son go there

Vapeyvapevape · 16/10/2022 15:02

Call the police , they have no right to your son if he is not biologically theirs. Did your ex adopt him ?

Original poster
StephieA · 16/10/2022 15:07

Autumflower · 16/10/2022 15:02

You say your ex was violent and abusive
what were you thinking letting your son go there

He’s staying at his mums not his house. He doesn’t live there

OP posts:
Original poster
StephieA · 16/10/2022 15:09

Vapeyvapevape · 16/10/2022 15:02

Call the police , they have no right to your son if he is not biologically theirs. Did your ex adopt him ?

No.

We had a court agreement that they went to their nanas once a week and he saw them there. I was quite happy with that. Then all this happened and it’s just gone so wrong. I wish now I’d nipped it in the bud earlier but I honestly thought I was doing the right thing letting him have a break from my youngest.

OP posts:
Autumflower · 16/10/2022 15:12

Come on ..stop trying to kid yourself
its 5 months he’s been there at her house …5 whole months,nearly half a year .
you can’t of been that worried.or you would of called the police by now

Eupraxia · 16/10/2022 15:17

Involving socal services is the right thing - someone needs to take oversight in ensuring the child's needs and voice are prioritised.

You would be wise to expect your own parenting to be judged in the process. You cannot in one breath say step-Dad was abusive and in the next say you were happy for the child to stay there. Then change your mind because (it seems) that the decision is inconvenient in terms of housing. This could well reach Child In Need threshold.

Was Step-Dad a significant figure in his life growing up? Or just "some random"?

This sounds like what social services call a private fostering arrangement. Social services will want (and should) do checks to ensure he's safe as a starting point.

Original poster
StephieA · 16/10/2022 15:18

Autumflower · 16/10/2022 15:12

Come on ..stop trying to kid yourself
its 5 months he’s been there at her house …5 whole months,nearly half a year .
you can’t of been that worried.or you would of called the police by now

Don’t you understand what I’ve written. In that 5 months he has (for no reason) become more and more hostile towards me. I was never worried about his safety, but I was getting more and more worried as to why he was being so off with me. I asked his nana over and over to try speaking to him, told him and her I wanted him home but over time they have started ignoring me and so has he. I told them this was never permanent and that he needed to come home. The fact they are now trying to make him a ‘permanent’ child at their home is what has prompted me to be very worried. I want him home and always have but over time it’s become more and more difficult to get through to him.

I’ve been giving them all his money, it’s not the money that is the concern at all…it’s that they are trying to make it a permanent thing. I want my son back as I always have.

OP posts:
Original poster
StephieA · 16/10/2022 15:20

Eupraxia · 16/10/2022 15:17

Involving socal services is the right thing - someone needs to take oversight in ensuring the child's needs and voice are prioritised.

You would be wise to expect your own parenting to be judged in the process. You cannot in one breath say step-Dad was abusive and in the next say you were happy for the child to stay there. Then change your mind because (it seems) that the decision is inconvenient in terms of housing. This could well reach Child In Need threshold.

Was Step-Dad a significant figure in his life growing up? Or just "some random"?

This sounds like what social services call a private fostering arrangement. Social services will want (and should) do checks to ensure he's safe as a starting point.

He isn’t living with his ‘dad’. I wouldn’t have ever allowed that in a million years. And it’s not that it will affect me in that way as such, it’s the fact they are trying to make it a permanent set up rather than the temporary measure that we had agreed

OP posts:
Eupraxia · 16/10/2022 15:26

He isn’t living with his ‘dad’

When you say 'Dad' are you referring to his biological Dad (not the man being discussed here) or his Step-Dad (who is being discussed here), or someone else?

Which address to your DS's school have to contact in case of emergency? If he's been living at "Nanas", it should be hers as well as yours.

Involving Social Services is definitely the right thing here. They need to unpick what is best for the child through their assessment.

RebeccaRose92 · 16/10/2022 15:30

That’s kidnapping. Why has it taken you 4 months to take action?

Original poster
StephieA · 16/10/2022 15:31

Eupraxia · 16/10/2022 15:26

He isn’t living with his ‘dad’

When you say 'Dad' are you referring to his biological Dad (not the man being discussed here) or his Step-Dad (who is being discussed here), or someone else?

Which address to your DS's school have to contact in case of emergency? If he's been living at "Nanas", it should be hers as well as yours.

Involving Social Services is definitely the right thing here. They need to unpick what is best for the child through their assessment.

His biological dad disappeared when he was 6 months old. This is his step dad we are talking about. His next of kin is his nana.

The thing that worries me is his change of attitude towards me and what their intentions are. They seemed all fine at first but as time has gone on they seem to be more and more like they are trying to keep him away from me

OP posts:
Vapeyvapevape · 16/10/2022 15:32

5 months is a very long time , a couple of weeks may have been ok but to leave this for 5 months is ridiculous. Why haven't you done something the minute he started to ignore you?

Original poster
StephieA · 16/10/2022 15:33

RebeccaRose92 · 16/10/2022 15:30

That’s kidnapping. Why has it taken you 4 months to take action?

Because at first he was staying for a break from his younger brother who had additional needs. Our relationship was really good then but over time it’s gone downhill and now he won’t even speak to me. Now after many many attempts at getting him to come home it’s got to this where I need help

OP posts:
category12 · 16/10/2022 15:33

They don't have PR, by letting it go on you're going to let them build up a case for it.

diddl · 16/10/2022 15:34

I’ve been giving them all his money,

What??

Why would you do that if it wasn't long term?

He might not be living with his abusive dad but he is living with his abusive dad's mum!

So most likely he'll be visiting & saying horrible things about you!

NancyPickford · 16/10/2022 15:38

She literally said it right at the start ; "My eldests real dad is not on the scene but he has had my ex as a father role since a baby. Around 4 months ago my eldest went to stay as his nanas for the weekend. The nana is my exs mum."

oakleaffy · 16/10/2022 15:40

It does sound indeed like some bizarre “ Fostering “ thing- Especially as you give these unrelated people money!

Five months is an extraordinary length of time, can’t believe that you weren’t at their door to collect your son after a week at most.
They probably DO say stuff about you not wanting him, and preferring the younger one over him(?)

When did you last make an effort to see him?
It sounds very unsatisfactory, all round.

Hollywolly1 · 16/10/2022 15:40

Call the police and why would anyone allow their son go anywhere near someone that had been abusive towards them,surely this thread is some sort of a sick joke

Vapeyvapevape · 16/10/2022 15:41

The fact they are now trying to make him a ‘permanent’ child at their home is what has prompted me to be very worried

How do you know this ? Have you had a solicitors letter or been spoken to by anyone in authority?

Original poster
StephieA · 16/10/2022 15:41

diddl · 16/10/2022 15:34

I’ve been giving them all his money,

What??

Why would you do that if it wasn't long term?

He might not be living with his abusive dad but he is living with his abusive dad's mum!

So most likely he'll be visiting & saying horrible things about you!

Because whilst he is there it’s costing her money? I didn’t expect her to pay for him whilst I was getting money for him. I was trying to do the decent thing

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