Need help urgently :(

[StephieA]

This is going to be long so please bear with me.

I have 3 children, 13, 9 and 4.

My eldest has autism and my youngest had adhd. My eldests real dad is not on the scene but he has had my ex as a father role since a baby. Around 4 months ago my eldest went to stay as his nanas for the weekend. The nana is my exs mum. He really struggles with my youngest behaviour due to his autism and he wanted a break. However ive basically not seen him since.

I had a horrible relationship with my ex as he was violent and abusive. What has happened now is that my ex and his mum have well and truly poisoned my son against me to the point he wont see or speak to me. At first, I let it go a bit as I know he struggles to see things that arent black and white but now its getting beyond that and he hates me. He thinks ive somehow abused him and not looked after him. His nana has made life for him there like a hotel, something I couldnt do with 3 children to look after and now he thinks that is how it should be and that I was slacking.

Ive begged him to see me but he wont. Now they are putting a claim in for him and this is going to result in my losing my home as I get an allowence for 3 bedrooms and it will drop to 2.

What do I do? Do i go to mediation with my son? Do I just drag him back? Do I go through court? His condition makes it so difficult because he can just cut off from his feelings. He went 6 months without seeing his dad and nana for no reason at all and now he is doing it to me but with the added extra of them firing the flame.

They have always lied and wanted to 'win' and this is another way of getting at me.

I just want my son back :(

Sounds like he has been informally fostered by this woman. If you've been paying her to do so all these months it certainly gives it he arrangement credibility. It's good that you've got social services involvement now

Absolutely all the the time. It’s only been the last 6 weeks or so he has stopped wanting to see me

>>My eldests real dad is not on the scene but he has had my ex as a father role since a baby.<<

Were school informed of a change of address for him?

Can I just say that these are people that have been in his life since he was 6 months old. His dad was only allowed to see them at his mums house. It’s not just a random pair of people that this has happened with. I’ve know them 13 years.

He and I know them very well. My daughter is their biological daughter/granddaughter.

He only stopped wanting to see me about 6-8 weeks ago. Before that he just kept saying he wanted to stay because it was quieter without hos little brother there. But recently it’s become more about him not wanting to see me and hating me for absolutely no reason.

Ive not just ignored him for 5 months, it’s just suddenly gone sour and he won’t return home at all.

This. My stepmother is the wicked stepmother for Cinderella(seriously) and when ever she says something my dad takes it as gospel. They had my oldest one night, he was 2yrs old I was 18, so I had decided to go out with friends instead of painting my new house. She took this as me no wanting my child and didn’t want to look after him, I got in an argument with my dad she told my dad she had phoned social services and he wasn’t not allowed to come home. I phoned them as soon as the opened the next morning, she hadn’t called them at all(she had nothing against me) and the social worker I spoke to told me to call my dad to bring my boy home and if they didn’t return him to phone police as they are technically kidnapping my child. When I spoke to my dad and told him this he was home an hour later.(they lived 40mins away) and didny hear from them until my dad phoned to come see him for his birthday. That was 16yrs ago and I still only see him for 10mins at a time when he come with kids presents minus the wife 😊

Agree with what someone said upthread. You seem to have condoned this situation with him living with your ex’s mum for the last few months, and it appears you have now been advised that should he not return home, and if he lives with her permanently, you won’t be entitled to your three bed home, so it’s now become an issue. I don’t blame you for leaving him there this long - I guess it will have made life easier for you, and he is happy. But the problem is for whatever reason, he has decided to stay where he is. Whilst you say he had a great life with you, and only stays there for the takeaways and breakfasts, there’s probably more of a back story, and you need to think what it might be that’s really stopping him from returning, and then try and address those issues.

Oh it's good that social services are involved now, your 13 year old son will more than likely be classed as a child in need or possibly even under a child protection plan. The involvement of social services also means that all of your children's needs will be looked into to ensure that they are being met.
Do be prepared for an outcome that you don't like as if this reaches the courts and your son is deemed competent to give his opinion on where he wants to live, the judge may just listen to him.
It has to be said that he's probably feeling like you've abandoned him and your ex and his mum will be more than likely fuelling that.
You will also be questioned as to how you've left it as it is for 5 months and only seem to be taking action over a financial situation.
This seems like a case of neglect at best because there's no way that my child would be staying elsewhere for longer than a week without me sending the police to bring them home.
You won't have a kidnapping case because of how long you've let this go on.
If you do manage to get your son back home, be prepared for lots of anger and resentment in your direction, especially if you prevent contact with the people he sees to be his dad and nana.
Either way, I wish you luck because things clearly need to change in your home for your son to feel like it's his home too or he'll be running out the door for good at 16.

Sorry to be so blunt but I grew up in similar circumstances to your son, only difference is that my dad and grandma were actually biologically related to me.

Sorry OP but this reads as if you were at best naive and at worst completely apathetic towards somebody else being your son's parent until it dawned on you you might lose your house. You're his mum and these people have absolutely no parental rights over him. If you were that concerned about his hostility towards you then you should have been straight over there and frogmarched him back home if necessary. My heart breaks for this poor child tbh...

Midwifetob2024
That is a bit harsh and idk if you have a teen but they’re bloody hard work even without ASD. It sounds as though op has a lot on her plate and is being bullied by her ex’s mother. No surprise there considering he sounds like a violent bully. I hope to God a team with some actual knowledge of DV, parental alienation and parenting teens helps you op.

It’s not the financial thing that’s prompted me. I wrote this in a big panic. It’s the fact they are trying to make it a permanent thing.

I wasn’t happy with him being there all this time at all. I’ve been trying to get him home all this time. At first I understood him wanting a break from his brother and enjoying a quieter time, but in time it’s got harder and harder to speak to him. In this time we have been on holiday together and days out etc, it’s only recently he’s stopped wanting to see me.

Them putting the claim in is what has scared me because I have been trying to get him to come back all this time and thought they were on the same page but now it seems they aren’t.

Thank you so much. I love him so so much, we were as close as anyone could ever imagine and now it’s all gone.

I just want my boy back. I don’t care about the money, they can have it! I just want my son back and not hating me

You need to see a solicitor, OP, and fast. It shouldn't have got this far. Your ex and his wife have no right whatsoever to have your child in their care. The fact you have left it so long is likely going to be problematic from a legal perspective but you must seek out help now.

I know it was harsh. It's meant to be a wake up call. Children don't leave home for no reason and she will have to be prepared for harsh words if this goes to court. No judge will take pity on her and solicitors can be absolutely ruthless.

He's been there 4 months and you're only just kicking up a fuss??
These people aren't blood relatives...
Jesus Christ

rightsofwomen.org.uk/

It sounds like you need lots of help here, OP. Legal help, plus support with how to deal with and parent your son and possibly other children.

Organisation above can perhaps help with legal advice.

Have you had any counselling after your abusive relationship?

www.womensaid.org.uk/

I agree. You said it a lot kinder than me though, for that I give you credit.

Seriously you’ve left your child with someone else for 5 months and given it credibility by giving them his DLA ( or whatever ) , it sounds like if your son was still coming to see you etc that you wouldn’t be bothered at all about him living somewhere else . It seems to me that your main concern is having to downsize . No normal person let’s their 13 yo move out for 5 months .

How do you know they have put a 'claim' in for him ? Someone must have contacted you.

I'd phone the police tbh on the non-emergency number he doesn't have parental rights. They should pick him up and return.

Nana and her son (your ex) are not blood relatives of you or your son. They therefore have absolutely zero claim on your son and no legal right to be looking after him against your wishes.

You should go straight to the police and social services , report that the man who has taken your very vulnerable child, is not his father and has a history of violence and physical and emotional abuse. His mother is conniving with her abuser son to control and gaslight a very vulnerable autistic child and alienate him from your protection.

They are taking advantage of your son's condition and deploying emotional abuse to control him . He may be at other serious risk too.

They may face criminal charges for this.

But he's only 13. He's still very much a child even if you don't take into account his vulnerabilities. He's still only on the cusp of being able to make an autonomous decision about such huge things. Whatever he says to you he's looking to you to take the lead making these decisions. I still can't work out why you're not going over there right now and demanding that he comes home and going zero contact with these people if needed. Fight for your son. He might not thank you for it right now but I promise you he will eventually realise that you stepped up and love you all the more for that

OP, what country are you in?

Can you confirm what's on your eldest's birth certificate re his biological dad? Did you and your ex ever marry?

Also, if I understand correctly, you refer to a court order for your ex to spend time with your eldest at his mother's house. Can you confirm if there is a child arrangements order in place? If so, does it say that your eldest lives with you and spends time with your ex (and his mum?)? Who applied for the court order? Is it a final order that has been made 'until further order'?

You need a plan of what you can do to get your son home with the least distress to him.
Tomorrow call the school. Speak to the Head or the safeguarding lead ( might be same person) Explain calmly and simply the situation:
DS went to stay for a break/ holiday with Nan and ex. They have refused to return him to your care. You are concerned for your ds welfare and as Nan and ex have no parental rights they must not remove your son from school. ( this is important)
You also check your ds has been attending school.
You then arrange with school to collect your son mid afternoon, bring him home.
IF Nan or ex come to your house you call police. If they try to remove your son this is attempted kidnapping. Do NOT let them into the house. Do NOT let ds outside to speak to them, although if they snatched him they’d be arrested.
You might find SS helpful but I think talking to the school about support for you as a family is a good start once your ds is home.
Good luck.

Are both your younger children to the same violent ex?

Honestly you have let things go on too long and been very passive. Five months is a long long time for him not to be with you.