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Original poster

Need help urgently :(

111 replies

StephieA · 16/10/2022 12:09

This is going to be long so please bear with me.

I have 3 children, 13, 9 and 4.

My eldest has autism and my youngest had adhd. My eldests real dad is not on the scene but he has had my ex as a father role since a baby. Around 4 months ago my eldest went to stay as his nanas for the weekend. The nana is my exs mum. He really struggles with my youngest behaviour due to his autism and he wanted a break. However ive basically not seen him since.

I had a horrible relationship with my ex as he was violent and abusive. What has happened now is that my ex and his mum have well and truly poisoned my son against me to the point he wont see or speak to me. At first, I let it go a bit as I know he struggles to see things that arent black and white but now its getting beyond that and he hates me. He thinks ive somehow abused him and not looked after him. His nana has made life for him there like a hotel, something I couldnt do with 3 children to look after and now he thinks that is how it should be and that I was slacking.

Ive begged him to see me but he wont. Now they are putting a claim in for him and this is going to result in my losing my home as I get an allowence for 3 bedrooms and it will drop to 2.

What do I do? Do i go to mediation with my son? Do I just drag him back? Do I go through court? His condition makes it so difficult because he can just cut off from his feelings. He went 6 months without seeing his dad and nana for no reason at all and now he is doing it to me but with the added extra of them firing the flame.

They have always lied and wanted to 'win' and this is another way of getting at me.

I just want my son back :(

OP posts:
TwoWeeksislong · 16/10/2022 18:20

Of FFS this didn’t need to be a massive pile on.
This woman has been a grandmother figure in the child’s life since he was 6months old and she is the biological grandmother to his 2 (half)siblings. It matters that OPs ex and his mum are not related by blood or adoption because this means that her ex does not have PR for this child. It matters from a legal point of view and may affect what avenues are available to remedy the situation. It will be seen as an informal fostering situation that the OP can argue she was coerced/tricked into rather than a child choosing to live with his other parent/paternal family.

KweenieBeanz · 16/10/2022 18:28

But ...OP you say you have been trying to get him to come home but you could have done that at any time, by calling the police 😳
sorry but I cannot comprehend why you would have waited for a 13 year old to change his mind and decide to come home. Who is the parent here. He's 13?! Just because he said he wanted a break from a sibling you let him not come home for like 5 months? I can't honestly think what social services would make of that.
I just can't think why, if you wanted him to come back, you didn't make that happen - by calling the police!!! These people have no PR!

Boudica66 · 16/10/2022 18:29

Would they not need some sort of Residency Order if it's an informal fostering situation?
If the child has an accident they wouldn't legally be able to sign consent forms as he is permanently in their care

I could be wrong 🤷‍♀️

PartyHelp · 16/10/2022 18:33

Call the police, they have no parental responsibility and they cannot keep him there, it's just ridiculous.

Original poster
StephieA · 16/10/2022 19:36

Emotionalsupportviper · 16/10/2022 17:57

It doesn't read like that at all.

It reads like OP has tried and tried to persuade her son to return home, but his step-father and Nana have deliberately alienated him from her and told him he doesn't have to go back and he can live with them. They are spoiling and over-indulging him and because he has autism (as well as being an *srsey teenager - aren't they all!) he refuses to listen and wants to stay in thecae where he is indulged and can do as he likes. This is purely a power play on their behalf - I don't doubt that if they did get a "claim" and legal responsibility for him they would change in a heartbeat and would be coming down on him like a ton of bricks!

He is being "love-bombed" and can't see it. He is also 13. When my son was 13 he was 6" taller than me, and although he was a skinny little bugger he was a lot stronger than I was, too - OP can't just pick him up and carry him off!

And of course she is worried about her home - she has two younger children to think about - having to move will have a bad effect on them, too. Have some compassion.

Show quote history

Thank you so much. This is exactly what has happened! I’ve been writing so fast and with all my emotions coming out it’s not making any sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
StephieA · 16/10/2022 19:39

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 16/10/2022 17:59

I think it's this that with the greatest respect makes the more sinical MNers question jer motives tbh ...

Yes I agree. And maybe I've missed it but I don't know what the court order was about. Also I don't know where the other children come into this. The DD is biologically related to the 'dad' and 'nana', do they also look after her or have access to her at times? And what about the youngest, is he biologically related to them? It all sounds very strange to me so I'm glad SS are involved.

My children all have different dads.I met my ex when my son was 6 months fuse his real dad moved to Belgium. We had a daughter and were together for 4 years. That is how my son knows my ex, he was his ‘dad’ from a baby although when we were together he was abusive. When we broke up my ex was allowed to see the children under his mums supervision.

OP posts:
Original poster
StephieA · 16/10/2022 19:43

KweenieBeanz · 16/10/2022 18:28

But ...OP you say you have been trying to get him to come home but you could have done that at any time, by calling the police 😳
sorry but I cannot comprehend why you would have waited for a 13 year old to change his mind and decide to come home. Who is the parent here. He's 13?! Just because he said he wanted a break from a sibling you let him not come home for like 5 months? I can't honestly think what social services would make of that.
I just can't think why, if you wanted him to come back, you didn't make that happen - by calling the police!!! These people have no PR!

Because as time has gone on things have got worse. He is 13 and I thought I was giving him time to, at first, have a break, then he kept saying he would stay a bit longer, then we went on holiday and he came home for a bit, then he went back and after that, about 8 weeks ago he stopped speaking to me. It’s easy to say ‘oh 5 months’ but when stuff is going on and you’re being ignored it’s easy for time to pass. It’s never felt like a police situation because o always felt that it was under control
bit now I feel it isn’t

OP posts:
Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 16/10/2022 20:19

When we broke up my ex was allowed to see the children under his mums supervision.

So your son has been seeing your ex for the last 9 years since you and your (abusive?) ex split up? You're a far more tolerant mother than me, I wouldn't be letting him anywhere near my children. I'm sorry, the whole situation sounds screwed up to me but I wish you and especially your children well for the future.

Original poster
StephieA · 16/10/2022 20:44

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 16/10/2022 20:19

When we broke up my ex was allowed to see the children under his mums supervision.

So your son has been seeing your ex for the last 9 years since you and your (abusive?) ex split up? You're a far more tolerant mother than me, I wouldn't be letting him anywhere near my children. I'm sorry, the whole situation sounds screwed up to me but I wish you and especially your children well for the future.

We have a daughter together. She is 9. My son sees my ex as his dad

OP posts:
1WomanWonder · 16/10/2022 21:04

Is your daughter also visiting/staying with your ex MIL?

Original poster
StephieA · 17/10/2022 07:56

1WomanWonder · 16/10/2022 21:04

Is your daughter also visiting/staying with your ex MIL?

Yea but she stays with me. That’s her biological nana. But the weird thing is my daughter has absolutely no issues or problems and hasn’t been getting negative ideas put into her head. She doesn’t know why my son is being like this and I know it upsets her

OP posts:
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