Need help urgently :(

[StephieA]

This is going to be long so please bear with me.

I have 3 children, 13, 9 and 4.

My eldest has autism and my youngest had adhd. My eldests real dad is not on the scene but he has had my ex as a father role since a baby. Around 4 months ago my eldest went to stay as his nanas for the weekend. The nana is my exs mum. He really struggles with my youngest behaviour due to his autism and he wanted a break. However ive basically not seen him since.

I had a horrible relationship with my ex as he was violent and abusive. What has happened now is that my ex and his mum have well and truly poisoned my son against me to the point he wont see or speak to me. At first, I let it go a bit as I know he struggles to see things that arent black and white but now its getting beyond that and he hates me. He thinks ive somehow abused him and not looked after him. His nana has made life for him there like a hotel, something I couldnt do with 3 children to look after and now he thinks that is how it should be and that I was slacking.

Ive begged him to see me but he wont. Now they are putting a claim in for him and this is going to result in my losing my home as I get an allowence for 3 bedrooms and it will drop to 2.

What do I do? Do i go to mediation with my son? Do I just drag him back? Do I go through court? His condition makes it so difficult because he can just cut off from his feelings. He went 6 months without seeing his dad and nana for no reason at all and now he is doing it to me but with the added extra of them firing the flame.

They have always lied and wanted to 'win' and this is another way of getting at me.

I just want my son back :(

Some posters have smelled out a vulnerable poster and are getting their jollies from kicking her she really, really needs help.

Half that disappeared.

…kicking her when she’s down, when she really, really needs help.

Do you think the reason your relationship with your DS is going downhill is because he doesn't live with you anymore? Does he see the last 5 months as abandonment?

He may have genuinely wanted a break. But then when you didn't make the move to get him back, he's feeling unloved and pushed out of the family.

These people are, by the sounds of it, making him the centre of attention, no other kids to compete with etc.

Even if the dad and Nan were not telling him negative things about you, this whole situation would have damaged the relationship anyway IMO.

Good luck, I hope you can rebuild your relationship with your DS and assure him he is important, he is worth a fight and he is a part of the family

I'm so sorry you're going through this op! Of course they have no claim on him; you need to get the police and social services involved. After you get him home get some therapy for him and you, social should help with this (also women's aid might be good to get on your side actually, they will pull strings to get things done more quickly), so that you can get him back on your side. But the first priority is to get him home x

And some posters are also able to tell that her child who has no voice also desperately needs help...

I agree @Herejustforthisone , there's simply no need for it! We obviously don't know all the details, and we don't need to. We just need to give a helping hand-hold.

Yep. I'm not sure even OP is aware of how entangled or coerced she may have been into arriving at the current situation.

Women's Aid, I think, OP. Hope you're okay.

Have you told his school not to allow him to go home with your ex , maybe they can step in .

Why is this woman referred to as ‘Nana’, when she isn’t? It all seems very convenient, until it isn’t. OP, I cannot claim to remotely understand your reasoning here, your children are your responsibility and this must be horribly confusing for them. I suspect Social Services will want to look into this in more detail, I am also aghast that the school aren’t making their own enquiries/referrals! This is a significant safeguarding concern - is the woman listed as a contact at your son’s school?

This is mental.

I would have been round there after day 3 bringing him home. Whonpetsbthwirb13 live elsewhere for 5 months?!

Unfortunately OP, I think you need to get yourself a good solicitor. You can bet that your ex and his mum will tell the court that you have abandoned your son and the fact that he's been living elsewhere for so long backs up any such claim. I appreciate the situation is very complicated and I wish you luck in getting it sorted. Speak to social services, do whatever they tell you to do to get your son back. Some of it may be unreasonable in your eyes but you need to prove to social services and any court that you haven't abandoned your son.

You need to contact the police ,these people are not his relatives,so they are hopefully in a lot of trouble by keeping him ,it’s not like passing a dog on to a new home .he’s your child op ,and he should be home with you and his siblings .
this is what I would do ..
I would turn up at the house and say you have come to take him home .if they refuse you ring the police and report them for ..kidnapping..I don’t know the law ,I just know I’d be on their doorstep,and not moving without my child .
id hope the thought of the police turning up ,would be enough of a threat to get them to encourage him to leave ..he’s vulnerable,and easily manipulated because of his autism .so the police should help you ..

@Autumflower I don’t see how the child will cope with this. He is at the forefront of my concerns here, his ASD will make this very difficult - it should never have reached this stage. This child has been badly let down by grown ups who should have put his needs before their own. Sorry, OP, the more I think about this scenario, the more upset I feel. That’s your flesh and blood. No matter how hard the younger sibling’s behaviour is, you are the mum.

Just go round to the house and get him out then. I wouldn't bother getting social services involved.

That’s good-
Hopefully it will be sorted out by social services(?) and you can rebuild your relationship with your son.

He only stopped wanting to see me about 6-8 weeks ago.

I’m shocked you’ve not done anything about this for 2 months and now all of a sudden it’s urgent - I don’t understand that at all.

I would be ringing ex’s mum now and saying that he’ll be coming home from tomorrow.
You can pick him up from school and take him straight home.

I would be ok with him spending weekends there if he needs a break from his sibling but during the week he stays with you. End of.

If there are any issues then tell her you’ll be ringing the police.

I’m shocked you’ve not done anything about this for 2 months and now all of a sudden it’s urgent - I don’t understand that at all.

I think it's this that with the greatest respect makes the more sinical MNers question jer motives tbh ...

@Cheeseandcrackers86 I read it as the boiled frog thingy, that she has suddenly surfaced from stressful daily life and realised what has happened. It would be easily done if she’s a bit depressed/exhausted/burnt out.
OP I read it in my first response that your ex/his mum were applying through the courts for permanent custody but if that isn’t the case, as per your updates, the police rather than a solicitor would be a better first port of call alongside getting some support from SS for your situation.

i don't understand. what was your son doing there in the first place if they are no related to him?
why was he going to a stranger's house

I get what you're saying but I think it's a bit of a stretch in this instance to suddenly realise that your child hasn't been living with you for months and months.

I think it's this that with the greatest respect makes the more sinical MNers question jer motives tbh ...

I agree.

Which is why I hope OP has her sons best interests at heart and not just thinking about the money or having to move to a 2 bed.
Which is how it’s coming across.

It doesn't read like that at all.

It reads like OP has tried and tried to persuade her son to return home, but his step-father and Nana have deliberately alienated him from her and told him he doesn't have to go back and he can live with them. They are spoiling and over-indulging him and because he has autism (as well as being an *srsey teenager - aren't they all!) he refuses to listen and wants to stay in thecae where he is indulged and can do as he likes. This is purely a power play on their behalf - I don't doubt that if they did get a "claim" and legal responsibility for him they would change in a heartbeat and would be coming down on him like a ton of bricks!

He is being "love-bombed" and can't see it. He is also 13. When my son was 13 he was 6" taller than me, and although he was a skinny little bugger he was a lot stronger than I was, too - OP can't just pick him up and carry him off!

And of course she is worried about her home - she has two younger children to think about - having to move will have a bad effect on them, too. Have some compassion.

Good advice.

Your ex didn't adopt your son, did he OP? That would complicate matters if he did.

I think it's this that with the greatest respect makes the more sinical MNers question jer motives tbh ...

Yes I agree. And maybe I've missed it but I don't know what the court order was about. Also I don't know where the other children come into this. The DD is biologically related to the 'dad' and 'nana', do they also look after her or have access to her at times? And what about the youngest, is he biologically related to them? It all sounds very strange to me so I'm glad SS are involved.

As only you have parental responsibility I would have thought you could get the police to return your son. The longer you delay the more difficult it will be - you were unwise to leave it this long.