Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

DH said he hates our baby

116 replies

Naptrapped12 · 01/10/2022 23:19

Please be kind here I’m really struggling.

DS is 10 weeks old and we have had one problem after another. He’s a pretty easy baby in the day time, very clingy but I’d say not massively in comparison to any other baby of the same age. However, come 4pm
and everything changes, he is so unsettled and he cries and cries and cries some more. We are currently under the GP’s for CMPA and we have also tried every colic remedy going - I’m not here asking advice on how to change this situation - what I’m here to ask is that we’ve been going through this same situation evening after evening for 10 weeks now, we’ve got angry, we’ve cried together but every night we get through it and eventually DS falls asleep and it ends for that evening.

This evening however has maybe been a little more unsettled than others and as my DH was rocking my DS he came out with the line ‘I hate him I do, I really hate him’. I couldn’t say anything I had no idea what to reply, instead I’ve just brought our son downstairs to settle to give my husband some space,

Im not entirely sure what I’m asking if this post, is this just a normal stress response, is this something I should be worried about? I’m really losing the will some nights but to come out with the comment that you hate our son is that all a bit too much?

OP posts:
5zeds · 01/10/2022 23:21

It’s a really odd thing to say.

Hoolahulahoop · 01/10/2022 23:22

That’s really hard and really sad. It sounds like a medical thing with the baby (not an expert) but crying that badly from 4pm suggest somethings up.

I don’t know what to advise but this won’t be forever

Winceybincey · 01/10/2022 23:25

Many parents go through what you’re going through, I’ve been through it with 3 babies, I had PND and didn’t bond with my 3rd baby but not once did I ever feel hate for either of my babies and neither has my husband. It’s hard, very hard with the constant crying but it’s not normal to feel hatred towards a baby.

I would be very worried about leaving my crying baby alone with a man who hates him. I think you need to have a serious talk with him and think about doing the evenings alone with your baby.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old Babies & sleep Families General parenting
addler · 01/10/2022 23:25

One night when DS was a couple of months old and he wouldn't sleep and hadn't slept for weeks DP came out to the living room to find my crying rocking him. I gave him to DP, said I hated him and told him to give him to a better mother. I was at my breaking point. DP stayed up the entire night with DS in the sling so that I could sleep.

I didn't hate him, not at all. I hated the situation. I hated feeling like that. Luckily DP knew what I meant, and we talked about what we could change going forward so I didn't get to that point again.

ittakes2 · 01/10/2022 23:36

Please try cranial oesto who is trained to work with babies - it is so successful and proven some insurance companies pay for it. You will immediately notice a difference. Birth can be stressful on baby's bodys.
I am sure he is just overtired.

cooldarkroom · 01/10/2022 23:40

Cranial Osteo worked miracles for me too

SirenSays · 01/10/2022 23:42

You did the right thing giving him a break. I really doubt he means it, he just sounds overwhelmed

TheSausageKingofChicago · 01/10/2022 23:46

Do you take him out every day? My DS used to kick up a stink if he hadn’t been out for fresh air. He still gets crabby if he stays inside too long and he’s a young adult now. He’s just full of beans. I walked him in all weathers just to make evening bearable. DS2 would happily stay indoors for days but DS1 needs his outside time or he gets cabin fever, and always did, even as a tiny.

Your DH sounds frustrated. That’s horrible to hear. Was it a snapping in the heat of the moment? Does he generally step up?

HeddaGarbled · 01/10/2022 23:47

is this just a normal stress response

Yes, I think so.

justwantobeamum · 01/10/2022 23:47

Sounds like normal witching hours we had it with DS every night like 4-6pm until about 10pm. Me and DH never hated baby though. I think men can get pnd. I also don’t think men realise how much a baby will change their life.

lauryloo · 01/10/2022 23:49

It's probably just frustration

All 3 of my babies had cmpa and we had to go through a few different prescription formulas and reflux meds for them to settle

Cornishandpastey · 01/10/2022 23:49

SirenSays · 01/10/2022 23:42

You did the right thing giving him a break. I really doubt he means it, he just sounds overwhelmed

This I think. It’s a very overwhelming time and DP and I have both rattled off similar things in a fit of tiredness and emotion and stress and we are very happy now with ours and very good loving parents . It’s a ‘what have we done ? I don’t know if I can do this ‘ feeling being articulated clumsily in most cases. Let him get some sleep, when you’re both calm ask him if he’s okay , be gentle and non judgmental and give him a chance to retract and say he was just overwhelmed. If he does that and there’s no more issues forget about it. Also, follow your instincts as a mum and watch carefully until you’re sure at the same time it was just words. If he’s persistently negative or the body language between him and little one feels wrong then it’s time to seek advice from someone about whether it’s something more sinister. Men don’t produce the same hormones as us , their tolerance is lower sometimes but he most likely just needs to decompress and grab some sleep .

DD0 · 01/10/2022 23:52

I can totally sympathise with you OP. When my daughter was about 5/6 weeks old, we had very similar struggles. My husband had gone back to work a few weeks previous so was only around in the evenings when the crying was at its worst. One evening he finally broke down and told me he was struggling and that he didn't like our daughter. He couldn't stand her and wished we never had her. From that point, after having a cry myself and giving her a few extra cuddles, I tried to take the pressure off DH a bit. Difficult when I had been dealing with her all day on my own. He booked a Dr's appointment and told them how he was feeling. They gave him some medication and directed him to 'time to talk'. It was a massive weight off his shoulders that he had said it out loud.

He found it hard that my daughter would settle better for me. But I spend all day with her so I was more used to the different types of crying - knowing when she had wind, or if she was hungry etc. Sometimes she would cry for the sake of crying and just have a boob for comfort and it would calm her down. Because I was EBF'ing there was no chance for him to feed her to calm her etc, he could only pass her over to me and that made him feel like he was just a spare part.

Fast forward 3/4 weeks and we went on holiday. Being typical DH he did bring his medication with him...or so we thought. Just the empty box. It was only a short break so he decided he would just wait until we got home and restart them. Those few days did us all the world of good - and she was extra screamy on holiday ending up in hospital!! But just a bit of time spent together in a chilled setting really helped. No pressure and I was with them at all times.

It was still touch and go, until the day she started smiling and recognising him only a few weeks later. When he came home from work she would give him a massive grin and go for a cuddle straight away. That completely changed him. He says just that small feeling of getting something back from her made him feel a million times better.

My daughter is now 17 weeks and is on daily Omeprazole to treat her reflux, since starting her medication the symptoms you describe have stopped completely. Go to the Dr's and ask to be referred to Paediatrics, Dr's did their best for us but it ended up just being a bit too much for the GP and did need a bit more specific knowledge.

DH and DD are now thick as thieves. DH does swimming lessons with her every week and absolutely loves it. He's more excited than she is.

Speaking to other people IRL really helped. It made us both realise that everyone struggles, it's not just Mum's that can struggle with PND (albeit a condition with a different name for Dad's but don't know what that's called! It's okay to struggle, it really does happen to a lot of men.

Hang in there. It does get better and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!

MarshaMelrose · 01/10/2022 23:53

It's stress. People say things they don't mean. He doesn't hate the baby, he hates the baby's behaviour. But frustration rearranges our words. Don't keep going over it or you're just going to end up fretting and arguing and increasing the stress even more.
I hope it all gets better soon. It's hard.

SpinningFloppa · 01/10/2022 23:57

Women often post saying they hate their baby and get nothing but sympathy I don’t know why men can’t feel the same, doesn’t mean he is weird for saying it sounds like he is just struggling and doesn’t mean it.

MrsEricBana · 02/10/2022 00:00

I think stress and frustration at the situation too. Be kind to yourselves. One of my dc was similar to this and I tried everything inc constant rocking, GP, infacol for colic, cranial osteopathy etc. With the benefit of hindsight I feel sure now that it was overtiredness as pp have suggested. When dc was small I didn't realise, for example, that a baby up at 7am for a feed and change really needs to go back down for a nap again by 8.30am then another long sleep from 12ish etc. I did realise this with my 2nd dc and it seemed better but all babies are different. I hope things improve for you.

shoplifteroftheworld · 02/10/2022 00:00

DD0 · 01/10/2022 23:52

I can totally sympathise with you OP. When my daughter was about 5/6 weeks old, we had very similar struggles. My husband had gone back to work a few weeks previous so was only around in the evenings when the crying was at its worst. One evening he finally broke down and told me he was struggling and that he didn't like our daughter. He couldn't stand her and wished we never had her. From that point, after having a cry myself and giving her a few extra cuddles, I tried to take the pressure off DH a bit. Difficult when I had been dealing with her all day on my own. He booked a Dr's appointment and told them how he was feeling. They gave him some medication and directed him to 'time to talk'. It was a massive weight off his shoulders that he had said it out loud.

He found it hard that my daughter would settle better for me. But I spend all day with her so I was more used to the different types of crying - knowing when she had wind, or if she was hungry etc. Sometimes she would cry for the sake of crying and just have a boob for comfort and it would calm her down. Because I was EBF'ing there was no chance for him to feed her to calm her etc, he could only pass her over to me and that made him feel like he was just a spare part.

Fast forward 3/4 weeks and we went on holiday. Being typical DH he did bring his medication with him...or so we thought. Just the empty box. It was only a short break so he decided he would just wait until we got home and restart them. Those few days did us all the world of good - and she was extra screamy on holiday ending up in hospital!! But just a bit of time spent together in a chilled setting really helped. No pressure and I was with them at all times.

It was still touch and go, until the day she started smiling and recognising him only a few weeks later. When he came home from work she would give him a massive grin and go for a cuddle straight away. That completely changed him. He says just that small feeling of getting something back from her made him feel a million times better.

My daughter is now 17 weeks and is on daily Omeprazole to treat her reflux, since starting her medication the symptoms you describe have stopped completely. Go to the Dr's and ask to be referred to Paediatrics, Dr's did their best for us but it ended up just being a bit too much for the GP and did need a bit more specific knowledge.

DH and DD are now thick as thieves. DH does swimming lessons with her every week and absolutely loves it. He's more excited than she is.

Speaking to other people IRL really helped. It made us both realise that everyone struggles, it's not just Mum's that can struggle with PND (albeit a condition with a different name for Dad's but don't know what that's called! It's okay to struggle, it really does happen to a lot of men.

Hang in there. It does get better and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!

Just wanted to say that I thought your words here were perfect. My first son was the same. Screamed for hours every night - so loud we took it in turns to wear ear protectors that a workman had left. I tried everything to settle him and would walk for hours in the cold with him in a baby carrier. It's natural to feel frustrated and to say things in the moment that we don't mean. We're exhausted and emotional and completely overwhelmed! OP, don't take your husbands words to heart. He doesn't mean it. You're both just very tired and under pressure. I hope things ease considerably for you. Yes, try a paediatrician and cranial osteo xx

Black1985 · 02/10/2022 00:03

I had your baby. He is my DS2 and is now 23 months old. I love him so much, my OH loves him so much, but it is so hard looking after someone who is unhappy all the time. I would say he is miserable/angry 75% of the time. I hoped he’d grow out of it but so far no. Definitely has some health issues going on, nothing that we get support for. I have so much empathy for him but I also have empathy for me and my OH. who often says to me ‘I hate him’. He absolutely doesnt hate him. They couldn’t be closer. But he is pushed so much and my OH stays calm, he needs to be able to turn round to me and let loose. I don’t judge him. We feel guilty for saying those things but whenever other people see my DS2 extreme angry behaviour they don’t understand how we deal with it 🤷🏻‍♀️ By turning round to each other and saying the unthinkable. Talk to your OH. Be in it together. If you have a high needs baby (look it up) then you need to be 100% on the same page. He doesn’t hate your child.

Mariposista · 02/10/2022 00:04

Your husband is stressed and totally exhausted. I very much doubt he means it.
When my friend had her daughter, there was a time she was unwell, wouldn't sleep and I went round as I hadn't heard from her and I found her on the floor of her bathroom crying saying she hated being a mother and didn't want to be one anymore. She was just overwhelmed. She loved her daughter, and she came through this, and now has no problems at all.

AliceMcK · 02/10/2022 00:06

Another for cranial osteo.

Chichz · 02/10/2022 00:07

I think it's telling that he said this while lovingly rocking her too. Trust your instincts! It can be so hard. Good luck OP.

PrtScn · 02/10/2022 00:07

My son was similar. Used to cry constantly (and didn't sleep), he had colic and nothing worked. I had a touch of PND and hated him. I honestly could have just walked away and never had anything to do with him again. Sleep deprivation and stress can make you say/do/see things and act in ways you'd never imagine. I ploughed through with the support of my OH and things got better. Took a while, but he's 4 now and I love him to bits.
I doubt your DH meant it, and I'm sure things will get better in time.

Icecreamandapplepie · 02/10/2022 00:09

Think I said that at least once with each of ours! The crying is unbearable. It's just expression yourself in what is a crazy stressful time.

You will both get through this, it does get easier. Hang in there.

Weenurse · 02/10/2022 00:11

We also had a colicky baby who would start crying around 2 pm and keep going until 11-12pm.
I couldn’t cope and went back to work when she was 6 weeks old, doing 6-12 pm shifts just to get a break.
Sounds like your DH has PND or similar.
You all need to see your GP for advice and support.
Good luck

LokiCokey · 02/10/2022 00:12

The best advice we were given before having DD was "it's ok if sometimes you hate them" my DH and I would always refer to this and step in if the other was struggling. Our DS was colicky from weeks 5-12 and he would cry for hours in the evening. Some nights I could keep calm and rock/ comfort him for hours, other nights I'd crack after 5 mins. Talk to your DH when he's calm as I doubt he really means it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread