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Original poster

DH said he hates our baby

116 replies

Naptrapped12 · 01/10/2022 23:19

Please be kind here I’m really struggling.

DS is 10 weeks old and we have had one problem after another. He’s a pretty easy baby in the day time, very clingy but I’d say not massively in comparison to any other baby of the same age. However, come 4pm
and everything changes, he is so unsettled and he cries and cries and cries some more. We are currently under the GP’s for CMPA and we have also tried every colic remedy going - I’m not here asking advice on how to change this situation - what I’m here to ask is that we’ve been going through this same situation evening after evening for 10 weeks now, we’ve got angry, we’ve cried together but every night we get through it and eventually DS falls asleep and it ends for that evening.

This evening however has maybe been a little more unsettled than others and as my DH was rocking my DS he came out with the line ‘I hate him I do, I really hate him’. I couldn’t say anything I had no idea what to reply, instead I’ve just brought our son downstairs to settle to give my husband some space,

Im not entirely sure what I’m asking if this post, is this just a normal stress response, is this something I should be worried about? I’m really losing the will some nights but to come out with the comment that you hate our son is that all a bit too much?

OP posts:
Leakingroofagain · 02/10/2022 07:46

Please join the cmpa Facebook group, the GP (if they believe you) will only be able to prescribe a dairy free formula if you use formula (and they often try to push hydrolysed but not completely dairy free ones which still cause issues), and they can refer you to check whether a suspected allergy is ige or non-ige. Non-ige allergies don't show up on tests.

The best thing you can do if you suspect allergy is to cut out dairy (and soya) for a few weeks then drink a big glass of milk and see if the symptoms return. If they do you have proof of the allergy. GPs cannot test or diagnose a non- ige allergy so you might as well start this elimination-challenge approach now.

I really wouldn't place any faith in cranial osteopathy. I'd recommend a peadeatric physio if you have actual tension in the neck etc.

Calmdown14 · 02/10/2022 07:49

Just wanted to offer sympathy and a reminder that this period is short. Feels never ending at the time but it's really not.

If it is a milk allergy, please don't feel any guilt if you have to switch to dairy free formula. First time my son had it was like giving him horse tranquilliser! I really wanted to feed, I beat myself up but ultimately it was much better for him and our family. But coming off a period of sleep deprivation makes it hard to see this rationally at the time

RedElephants · 02/10/2022 07:54

5zeds · 01/10/2022 23:21

It’s a really odd thing to say.

5zeds Why would you even say that!! It's a really unhelpful thing to say!,

No it isn't, the op and her dh have a ten week old baby that cries, it can be overwhelming,

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old Babies & sleep Families General parenting
justusandmoo · 02/10/2022 07:58

5zeds · 01/10/2022 23:21

It’s a really odd thing to say.

It's really not odd at all. It's perfectly normal and natural from someone who is desperately sleep deprived! I think I said much worse when my daughter was that age.

OP don't read into this too much. It's a very very difficult situation I know but it will pass x

Notplayingball · 02/10/2022 08:04

There's nothing odd about what he said at all. He was overwhelmed, and needed to get away from his child for a break.

I had to do this with all mine when I got overwhelmed.

If you were lucky to have easy babies, good for you. Not everyone finds the baby stage easy.

Aw273 · 02/10/2022 08:08

Gmamaofboys13 · 02/10/2022 00:34

I use this app for white noise: play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=pl.trpaslik.babynoise

And this from Amazon amzn.eu/d/5KpT4WE

Swaddle baby firmly, White noise louder than their crying, or else they won't hear it, you can gradually turn it down as they settle. Also have the sound near to their head, it's not going to work if it's too far away and they can't hear it if they're crying

This also works a treat for me- I use the sleepsounds app, personally I find the rain sounds nicer to listen to that the monotonous white noise.

my DH was so hands full with the toddler that he didn’t really bond with the baby until he started to smile and get more interesting, but they get on just fine now!

5zeds · 02/10/2022 08:09

@RedElephants I disagree. I think that OP is trying to get some outside perspective on what happened and gauge if it’s “normal” and that’s what I was responding to. I have 5 children and am aware of what early days are like both in my own family and what others have shared with me. As you can imagine that’s quite a lot of new mums and dads. If your experience is different by all means share that, but attempting to silence others isn’t particularly helpful to the OP, who is an adult trying to reach some clarity in a difficult part of her life.

whattodoisthequestion · 02/10/2022 08:09

vimeo.com/482611385/e98bcbaabd this is a video parents have to watch before leaving the hospital in Lancashire, it could help

Maray1967 · 02/10/2022 08:15

Colic with both of ours lasted until about week 12. DS 1 was bad in the evening, DS2 in late afternoon - yours might be both by the sound of it. Even with colief and Dr Browns bottles DS2 still suffered. I don’t think any of the colic remedies cure it - just ease it a little?

It would be worth seeing the DR to rule out anything else, but if it is colic you’re probably almost through it.

I understand the concern about what your DH said, but it sounds like he’s struggling with the stress of it all. I bottle fed so it was easier for mine - he got to feed ours and have cuddles. Could he do more with him at weekend in the morning?

Minimalme · 02/10/2022 08:16

I told dh that our newborn born was crying on purpose to upset me. And that occasionally I considered dropping him out of the window.

I have never hurt any of my three dc and love them all deeply and would go back to the baby stage in a heart beat.

But my eldest had the worst reflux and sleep apnoea during to elephant sized tonsils. And it was really fucking hard at times.

You did the right thing op. Just do what you can to keep both you and dh sane. It will pass.

EatingPeanutButterWithASpoon · 02/10/2022 08:17

Sending sympathies, it's so hard. Can I recommend you pushing for a paediatric dietitian referral too, they're the ones best placed to advise you on managing CMPA and diet if you're still EBF or best formula if not.

PrincessConsuelaBanana · 02/10/2022 08:18

caringcarer · 02/10/2022 01:34

Don't ever leave your DH with baby alone.

🙄

EatingPeanutButterWithASpoon · 02/10/2022 08:19

Sorry hit send too soon. What I was trying to say is that if they can check it's being correctly managed it might make baby more settled 🤞

ijustcouldntthinkofausername · 02/10/2022 08:19

whattodoisthequestion · 02/10/2022 08:09

vimeo.com/482611385/e98bcbaabd this is a video parents have to watch before leaving the hospital in Lancashire, it could help

This should be made mandatory to be shared in every hospital

FreudayNight · 02/10/2022 08:23

HeddaGarbled · 01/10/2022 23:47

is this just a normal stress response

Yes, I think so.

I completely disagree. I think it is an abnormal stress response, and that you should take it really really seriously.

Everyone understands hating the situation, but hating the child? No, and not really forgivable in my book either.

I would try to have a serious discussion with your husband this morning about what he said. But I would not leave the baby alone with him.

robertpaulson · 02/10/2022 08:24

addler · 01/10/2022 23:25

One night when DS was a couple of months old and he wouldn't sleep and hadn't slept for weeks DP came out to the living room to find my crying rocking him. I gave him to DP, said I hated him and told him to give him to a better mother. I was at my breaking point. DP stayed up the entire night with DS in the sling so that I could sleep.

I didn't hate him, not at all. I hated the situation. I hated feeling like that. Luckily DP knew what I meant, and we talked about what we could change going forward so I didn't get to that point again.

I said similar once, I said something like 'I don't want him anymore'. What I really meant was I don't want to be in this situation anymore.

Katapolts · 02/10/2022 08:25

Cranial Osteopathy is pure 'woo', it's not even osteopathy - it's more like reiki. They align 'rhythms' in the skull or something.
It's basically a sugar pill - it might make you feel better and calmer, and see the situation more positively because you have done something but it doesn't have a physical effect on the baby.

robertpaulson · 02/10/2022 08:25

MarshaMelrose · 01/10/2022 23:53

It's stress. People say things they don't mean. He doesn't hate the baby, he hates the baby's behaviour. But frustration rearranges our words. Don't keep going over it or you're just going to end up fretting and arguing and increasing the stress even more.
I hope it all gets better soon. It's hard.

Agree with this

roarfeckingroarr · 02/10/2022 08:28

I think I once said to my DP "I give up, he hates me and I hate him too".

I was drunk on exhaustion, desperation and fear I wasn't good enough. DS is the sun in my light, I love him more than anything in the world and have since birth.

Let your husband rest and talk to him in the morning when the baby isn't screaming.

Beees · 02/10/2022 08:28

For those few on th thread saying it's abnormal and the child shouldn't be left alone with him maybe you should read the whole thread and see it's completely normal and thank your lucky stars your children were not so challenging.

He doesn't hate the baby he hates the situation and is voicing it in that moment. He's not unsafe to be around his child and if this statement meant he was then a lot of us women should obviously have had our children taken off us for being unsafe too. Hmm

ijustcouldntthinkofausername · 02/10/2022 08:31

EatingPeanutButterWithASpoon · 02/10/2022 08:17

Sending sympathies, it's so hard. Can I recommend you pushing for a paediatric dietitian referral too, they're the ones best placed to advise you on managing CMPA and diet if you're still EBF or best formula if not.

This.
My GP was out of options in the end and referred DS to a paediatrician, they referred to a paediatric dietician who sorted his issues out upon first conversation.
If you feel you're getting nowhere with GP and baby is getting no better, push to see paediatricians.
If it's colic though you're probably over the worst and it will pass soon but if continues , could be CMPA or lactose intolerance. Turned out to be lactose intolerance with my boy.

You both sound stressed and sleep deprived. You did the right thing taking him downstairs. You both need to be getting a rest and time to recharge. It can be so tough.
he probably will regret saying that though, as a pp said he is probably more hating the currently situation rather than the baby.

TolkiensFallow · 02/10/2022 08:34

Oh we had the crying from 4pm thing for ages. Cranial osteopathy and gaviscon helped us.

I think it’s ok to hate it. I also think sometimes you just have to say it so each partner really knows when the other is at their limit.

I promise you it will get better!

FreudayNight · 02/10/2022 08:41

…. So why did he say he hates the baby and how is she supposed to know the difference?

And yes of course the same is true for the mothers on the thread - don’t you think it would be wise to ask them when calm which they meant, and to take measures when they are saying “I can’t cope”?

LavenderOlive21 · 02/10/2022 08:44

Sorry OP, hope you’re feeling a bit better today. You did the right thing moving baby downstairs and it sounds like your husband just needed some breathing time, that does sound like a stress response rather than meaning it. Especially if you both also have a toddler to care for.

Echoing what previous posters have said about your babies crying. It sounds like it could be acid reflux, which is easily treated (once GP listens and takes on board your concerns - we really had to be persistent). DS was like this every early evening and night for months, until we were prescribed omeprazole. It’s the only medicine that definitely works but it is an expensive prescription so the NHS tend to be reluctant to prescribe it initially. As an aside, the ml of medication has to directly reflect baby weight (NHS initially gave us too low a dose) so check that too i.e. if baby is 9kg you need 9ml omeprazole for it to work effectively.

We also took DS to a cranial osteopath a few times which helped (although his reflux was so severe that this help was secondary to the medication).

Baby massage at home helped soothe him too and is lovely for bonding together.

Beees · 02/10/2022 08:44

FreudayNight · 02/10/2022 08:41

…. So why did he say he hates the baby and how is she supposed to know the difference?

And yes of course the same is true for the mothers on the thread - don’t you think it would be wise to ask them when calm which they meant, and to take measures when they are saying “I can’t cope”?

Because when you get past the stage of exhaustion you say some things you don't mean because you're that tired you can't function and form coherent thoughts properly. It's not difficult to understand.

He clearly doesn't hate his child given he was sat there calmly rocking them at the time. He's explained now how he feels and hopefully now he's acknowledged it he can work to get through it but to think he's unsafe to be around his child based on one comment made out of exhaustion is just daft.