DH said he hates our baby

[Naptrapped12]

Please be kind here I’m really struggling.

DS is 10 weeks old and we have had one problem after another. He’s a pretty easy baby in the day time, very clingy but I’d say not massively in comparison to any other baby of the same age. However, come 4pm
and everything changes, he is so unsettled and he cries and cries and cries some more. We are currently under the GP’s for CMPA and we have also tried every colic remedy going - I’m not here asking advice on how to change this situation - what I’m here to ask is that we’ve been going through this same situation evening after evening for 10 weeks now, we’ve got angry, we’ve cried together but every night we get through it and eventually DS falls asleep and it ends for that evening.

This evening however has maybe been a little more unsettled than others and as my DH was rocking my DS he came out with the line ‘I hate him I do, I really hate him’. I couldn’t say anything I had no idea what to reply, instead I’ve just brought our son downstairs to settle to give my husband some space,

Im not entirely sure what I’m asking if this post, is this just a normal stress response, is this something I should be worried about? I’m really losing the will some nights but to come out with the comment that you hate our son is that all a bit too much?

That sounds incredibly tough OP, I really feel for you both.

When DC2 was a baby I told by DP I hated her. Like a previous poster, I didn't really hate her, I hated the situation. She was a very clingy child who would never want me to put her down, I was suffering with PND and was utterly miserable and just wanted to leave. I felt she had ruined our previously happy and peaceful family. A few years on and she is the light of my life and I couldn't imagine a world without her in it.

I have no useful advise to give but I don't think your husband hates your baby at all.

Yes I think it’s a totally normal stress response. It is so overwhelming and frustrating that we sometimes say things we don’t mean just to express how hard it all is. I said some terrible things about my tiny baby at this stage.
Our little one cried like this for months for many reasons. We used to take turns and DH used to wear noise cancelling headphones when off duty. I also second what pp says about outdoors. We used to put baby in pushchair (in semi upright position) and walk for an hour most evenings. It seemed to help.
Try not to dwell on it and good luck.

It sounds like a perfectly normal stress response and nobody can give an opinion unless they've actually been through weeks and months of having a colic baby. Though unfortunately our relationship was never really the same after the experience of dealing with a high needs baby. It doesn't magically get better once the baby stops crying because each stage of parenting comes with different problems.

We drifted apart quite a bit because I was just exhausted and broken from dealing with a baby/toddler during the pandemic. DH escaped into his work and basically stayed out of the house whenever he could. Our marriage hasn't deteriorated to the point where splitting up has genuinely been considered but most days feel like a joyless slog until DD is old enough to stop requiring so much supervision. We literally never spend any time as a couple anymore, let alone quality holidays or nights away.

Didn't want to bring the mood down, but a lot of people here are giving the impression everything will instantly get better the moment you get the baby some cranio osteo. It runs a lot deeper than that, and also for much longer. You will be together with the baby much of the time the next few years and if there's any resentment from DH then it could easily drive a wedge into the relationship.

First thing - please don't think too badly of your husband it's so stressful when babies are crying and screaming as you feel so bad for them.
I'm sure he doesn't mean it more he is exhausted and at the end of his tether.
Maybe speak to him the next day ask him not to say stuff like that again to the baby.

Also my LG did this we called it The Witchng Hour even though it lasts a few hours. It stopped after a few weeks.
We put it down to being over tired and not napping enough

It should end soon hang on there.

I very much doubt he means it OP. Baby's are hard work. I remember giving my baby to my partner and saying 'I dont want her'. I was exhausted, stressed, suffering a bit of PND. I just needed a break for an hour. I felt awful for saying it, and of course I didn't mean it. I don't feel guilty or tho..... it's one of those things, exhaustion is real..... but we get through it. Sending love 😘😘😘😘😘

My dd cried every night until we worked out that she was a cluster feeder.

She would feed every 3-4 hours throughout the day, then every hour from 6pm to 10pm. She then slept through from five weeks.

My ds had this every evening for 3 months.

Osteopathic-treatment for his stomach he had a restriction in his bowel so that after feeding all day he was in a lot of pain.

Try and find an osteo who is trained in paediatrics.

DH said something similar when DS was a baby - that he hated what our life had become and that he felt we’d made a mistake. It was incredibly hard for me to hear. However, when DS was about 12-ish weeks old he went away for a couple of nights on a stag-do (absolutely with my blessing of course) and that was when he got it… his friend who has 3 kids of his own said to us afterwards that he could see my DH suddenly realising that he missed DS and that actually, he did love him. From there it has only grown. DS is now 6 and a DH is an equal parent both in terms of what he does (school runs, the PTA, the domestic stuff, clubs etc) but also in how he feels about our child. He adores him, and is a good dad.

The baby stage can be extremely tough - DH and I both struggled massively. We were reminiscing about it the other day and DH said he felt that DS was draining all the life and joy from me (I had undiagnosed PND, I think, and struggled a lot) and that he resented that. Keep talking, keep loving one another, and keep reminding one another that this too shall pass.

I can remember feeling like this with a screaming colicky baby. It will pass in time. I think it's stress and helpless to resolve the situation

^This

DC3 was very clingy for the first five weeks. He refused to sleep unless on my chest. Looking back it was cute but was obviously tiring as I became increasingly sleep deprived. I shouted at a HV and told her not to bother with the last visit when they woke me up by ringing me at 7am to inform me they would be visiting in 2 hrs. I had only just managed to put baby down to sleep!

A baby sling was also invaluable, otherwise I would not have been able to get anything done without DC3 strapped to me.

With DC2, I ended up in the garden shed with a torch at 3am frantically looking for new dummies. They luckily refused the dummies, although I wasn’t happy that the dummies didn’t work at the time.

Going for walks and car driving also worked for us. I once drove to a McDonald’s drive through with DC2 for a late night milkshake and ended up kerbing the alloys on my new car for the first time. That first alloy scratch is so annoying.

We recently watched some old videos
of DC3 moaning and refusing food when being presented with solids for the first time - a boiled carrot stick. I instantly recognised his crying on the video and thought it was piercing but don’t remember his moaning cry as being piercing back then, but I guess we had no choice but to get used to it. We can laugh now. DC3 still refuses to eat carrots.

Luckily, DC1 was a dream up until a brief period during her pre-teen stage. Only once my last two DC arrived did I really realise how lucky I was to have had a laid back baby as a young first time Mum as I was absolutely clueless, like most of us parents were/are.

IMO, being a parent is the hardest job in the World, but you’ll always love your children even though they can be annoying and will often test your patience, boundaries and your reserves.

Well done for asking for help and keep communicating with DH. Try the various strategies many pp have recommended, including contacting your HV and GP and getting baby checked out.

You’re both doing a great job. Remember to be kind to yourselves 💐

Hi there OP I’m messaging through my wife’s profile. I went through similar emotions when our son was born, but everything is so much different now and those feelings have disappeared. I never got a diagnosis of paternal post natal depression but I was prescribed anti depressants which helped.
if your husband would like to I’d be happy to send him my number to have a chat - I felt it was quite hard to find support when I was suffering and talking to other dads helped.

My guess is he is extremely stressed and felt hate in that moment. I doubt he really hates the baby. Well done for giving him a break. I hope he does the same for you. Sorry you're going through this. I hope the colic improves soon.

I think deep down you know your DH and you’ll know if he meant it. Our DD is a joy half the time but can be a very hard baby and we have both said things just out of frustration that we don’t mean.

All of my babies had the witching hour thing. It's properly common. All cluster feeding in our case.

Ear defenders or ear plugs so the crying doesn't get inside your head. Sometimes babies cry to block out the world. All the rocking and other stuff we try to make them stop just cause more sensory input.

I said to my husband 'I feel like I hate him' and he said 'he's had the same feelings' and that he feels awful to have such thoughts. We had a colicky baby who would cry and cry and cry.

I cried all that night with the sadness of how we felt towards our baby. I hadn't slept for 6 weeks by then.

The bub is now 14 weeks and colic has lifted, he is a calmer happier baby and we love him so so much

I can see why you've written here, to hear such words towards your own baby are really horrifying. But my god those endless nights have absolutely broken me.

@SpinningFloppa exactly