DH said he hates our baby

[Naptrapped12]

Please be kind here I’m really struggling.

DS is 10 weeks old and we have had one problem after another. He’s a pretty easy baby in the day time, very clingy but I’d say not massively in comparison to any other baby of the same age. However, come 4pm
and everything changes, he is so unsettled and he cries and cries and cries some more. We are currently under the GP’s for CMPA and we have also tried every colic remedy going - I’m not here asking advice on how to change this situation - what I’m here to ask is that we’ve been going through this same situation evening after evening for 10 weeks now, we’ve got angry, we’ve cried together but every night we get through it and eventually DS falls asleep and it ends for that evening.

This evening however has maybe been a little more unsettled than others and as my DH was rocking my DS he came out with the line ‘I hate him I do, I really hate him’. I couldn’t say anything I had no idea what to reply, instead I’ve just brought our son downstairs to settle to give my husband some space,

Im not entirely sure what I’m asking if this post, is this just a normal stress response, is this something I should be worried about? I’m really losing the will some nights but to come out with the comment that you hate our son is that all a bit too much?

My twins have just been diagnosed CMPA at 6 months. I can’t tell you how many times in that 6 months that I’ve text DH during the day to tell him I hate them. I should be ashamed but it’s the exhaustion and frustration talking. I don’t hate them at all (although as it’s 3.30am and I’m wide awake, I’m not too keen on them right now).

Hang in there OP 💐

Clingy is good, normal babies should cling on to mum like all mammals do. Saying they're clingy isn't bad it's normal. It only becomes a problem when the parent can't let go enough to allow the child to do anything independently,

I'm sure he is just really stressed out with the whole thing. It will pass. Try not to take it personally, and you did the right thing giving him a break. Sometimes we say things we don't mean.

They call this phase of babies lives 'the witching hour' and I think it pushes every single parent.

Ways to deal with it: take the baby outside for a walk. Im sure you are probably knackered and it's the last thing you want to do, but it will settle baby and mum/dad.

Just keep the faith that it will pass.

Absolutely don't be ashamed. That's the depth of motherhood. It feels like it will never end but it does. And having someone to vent to is invaluable. Most 'friends ' you end up trying to compete with or you say something normal and they hate you and child .- good friend or partner will let you vent but know you don't mean it. It's somehow quite important

It’s pretty normal unfortunately and has been known forever as the Witching Hour, albeit definitely not an hour. Most of mine cried/screamed inconsolably from 4pm-6/7pm. It has zilch to do with cranial misalignment or allergies as they would be like this 24/7 if from a physical problem (except reflux where it often presents on horizontal positioning and/or after feeds). I’m no baby psychologist but I’m guessing it’s just some sort of stress/overload as they get used to the world and/or their new fast growing bodies. It’s unpleasant but it passes. I can remember with mine older siblings telling me they hated the baby because of the noise during this period, generally mine were great the rest of the time apart from teething etc. Defibitely not unreasonable for a young child to say they hate the baby after 3 hours solid screaming daily for a prolonged period, doesn’t mean they are a monster or going to grow up to be some serial killer and guessing the same logic applies to your DH in a way.

@HoppingPavlova Mine did the same! From around 4pm to 6pm.
It was a phase and didn’t last forever although it felt like it would at the time!

OP…. He might well be saying ‘I hate him’ but is he really saying ‘I hate this situation, I hate this noise’?

Just to add, I hated the screaming. DH was far calmer but I couldn’t stand the noise and feeling of helplessness.
I wore earplugs and we took it in turns to stand and hold them… for what seemed like eternity. It wasn’t and things changes within weeks.

I had PND and said many many times before I was diagnosed with PND that I hated our DS. Your husband could be really struggling with his feelings towards the kid. Have you tried speaking to him about it properly?

It’s pretty normal for that time of day. And your husband’s reaction is actually ok. In that moment he hates him but it’s not the sum total of his feelings. He is frustrated, tired, helpless, and missing his old life. Undoubtedly he also utterly adores you and baby and wants nothing more than for everyone and everything to be ok.

Say you understand how hard it is but you have faith it will pass, it will, and that together you can manage. It’s completely fine to put your baby into their cot and leave him tp take a break.

sending love. It’s a tough spot but all your work is worth it.

It might be intolerance to milk, reflux, a cranial osteopath might help but to be honest they might not. I think people should hold back presenting it as a cure all, it isn’t.

The early days are really hard.

I went through a difficult time with dd at a similar age. She became a complete mess until I got her into a routine. She liked a strictly timed one to the minute and she suddenly went from all over the place to a dream baby. I used to take dd and out for a walk down a quiet road at that time and she’d have a short nap. This was the first nap to go. Routine at this age was awake around 7am, short nap just after 9am. Longer nap around 12.30/1 then out for the walk in the afternoon at 4/4.30. After a few weeks of hell, the neighbour suggested Gina Ford. I was really nervous as she is not well liked. But tried it and at 3 months dd suddenly thrived. She was older and my milk supply was established.

You have had suggestions for cranial osteopathy and suggestions that your baby is over stimulated. Idk if either are true. But my dd loved going out in the pram for walks and stayed awake when older. This was a calming influence on her.

Another recommendation for cranial osto app it's not normal for that level of crying

Of course it's a horrible thing to say but we've been there. DH was the more patient one and could walk around with DS screaming for hours and stay calm trying to comfort him, it was me who struggled. Whilst never saying I hated my son, it was horrific and I can understand why you're husband has said it. A crying baby is stressful, it leaves you at your wits end and he is very likely struggling. Our son screamed from around 2/3pm until bed time. We also tried everything, eventually I gave up dairy and the screaming lessened and then finally stopped but that was at 14 weeks so I guess I'm still not sure if it was the dairy or just "purple crying".
Anyway, I honestly think breastfeeding was the only way I properly bonded in those first 14 weeks because he screamed so much, your husband doesn't have that so I'd try not to be so harsh on him, he's likely knackered, stressed and not seeing the end (like I was). Please don't take it to heart, it sounds like you're both doing a great job getting through a really shit and difficult time.

My DH came home one evening after being at work to me in an awful state as for what felt like the millionth night in a row the baby had just cried and cried since 4pm. I handed her to him and said I'd had enough and locked myself in the bathroom. He put her in the pram and took her out and walked her around for almost two hours while I had a bath and some down time.

It is hard. Especially with a screaming unhappy baby. Please do keep talking to your doctor, HV, friends. Try cranial osteo, new routines, etc. if something is wrong something will help. If it's just witching hour he'll grow out of it but in the meantime you'll feel like you're being proactive which really helped me mentally.

I'm sure your DH doesn't hate him really. He's just exhausted.

Your DH is very stressed and very tired (I’m not saying you aren’t!) and he doesn’t really hate your baby.

Youre right in the thick of it now- the adjustment and the lack of sleep etc it’s very very hard. It will get better!! Your DH didn’t mean it honestly, xxx

Dads can get PND too. It’s hard. It sounds like you’ve done the right thing. Can you mention to your HV that you think he is struggling?

I’ve been there with the 4pm switch being flipped. For us it was really bad reflux. Only under control once hospitalised and Omeprazole prescribed.

Keep pushing xxx

I've had two cmpa babies and my first was like this, those first few months were awful, we hadn't expected it to be THAT bad and family members just kept chuckling 'haha babies do cry you know', but actually it wasn't normal (and their comments made us feel like maybe it was so we struggled through more than we should have). Eventually we cut out dairy and soya and it got so much better. Second baby I cut it all the minute they showed signs and it was a totally different experience. This will get better. I remember hating my life at that time (and probably as a result dc1). I didn't mean it. I was tired, stressed and felt like a failure.

Cranial osteopathy will not fix an allergy, and it sounds like an allergy.

Wow I just want to say I am overwhelmed by everyone’s kind and supportive comments. I have read everyone of them and taken everything on board.

I obviously know that my husband doesn’t hate our baby, but in the moment it was very difficult to hear, and when I’m feeling hopeless myself it just made my emotions even more raw.

I took the opportunity this morning to speak with him before our toddler woke up. He admitted it was said in the moment but did tell me that he currently hates our life and what has become of it. He admitted he cannot see past the crying and the unsettledness to our son growing into a toddler like our first child. I tried to lightly suggest that maybe he could get some more support, but this was shrugged off. I guess I will just try and ensure we talk with each other more.

I’ve seen a lot of mentions for osteopathy which is interesting, I actually took our son for his first session during the week, but I was left feeling a bit disappointed, she mentioned he had a little tension in his neck but that was it, I have booked a further session but even the osteopath didn’t seem enthusiastic about being able to help. In all honesty it feels like he’s cried more since the session too. Maybe I’ll give it one more shot as so many people have recommended.

Weve got a follow up GP appointment this weeks about his allergies, I think I will try and push for further investigations/treatments, anything that can help us.

Just want to say thank you to everyone who took the time to respond, you’ve really helped me out.

Oh sweetie those early days are so hard without the added difficulties of suspected cmpa.

Be kind your dp. As others have said it is highly unlikely he actually hates the baby. He hates the situation you are in which is understandable.

PND can affect men as well as women so be supportive and understanding as you would expect him to be if the situation were reversed.

Hope you get some answers for your baby soon!

I thought I hated DD at this point. It’s often frustration, sleep deprivation and your life changing in an instant.

Best thing to do is acknowledge that it is unbearably shit sometimes and that it’s not forever (even though a tiny part of you is screaming this is it, this is what my life os going to look like FOREVER).

I found myself thinking this about my youngest when all she was cry and whinge. I obviously didn't really mean it, it's just how I felt for a split second.

I doubt he really means it. It is just so stressful with a newborn and it sends you absolutely loopy! I think you did the right thing giving him a bit of space to sort himself out.

Your DH sounds overwhelmed. Stressful situations can make people say and do things you wouldn't normally expect.

We’ve been here OP and it’s horrible. He doesn’t hate your DC but hates the situation. Our nearly 1 year old was like this and was diagnosed with CMPA. He also had a severe tongue tie which we had to wait 6 weeks to be sorted on the NHS and then had to pay privately to have properly resolved. All contributed to a very sad baby. Also recommend osteopathy, I thought it was a crock of sh*t when recommended but had nothing to lose and honestly made such a difference. All the best, I promise it does get better.

PS if you go for osteopathy look for one who specialises in children