DH said he hates our baby

[Naptrapped12]

Please be kind here I’m really struggling.

DS is 10 weeks old and we have had one problem after another. He’s a pretty easy baby in the day time, very clingy but I’d say not massively in comparison to any other baby of the same age. However, come 4pm
and everything changes, he is so unsettled and he cries and cries and cries some more. We are currently under the GP’s for CMPA and we have also tried every colic remedy going - I’m not here asking advice on how to change this situation - what I’m here to ask is that we’ve been going through this same situation evening after evening for 10 weeks now, we’ve got angry, we’ve cried together but every night we get through it and eventually DS falls asleep and it ends for that evening.

This evening however has maybe been a little more unsettled than others and as my DH was rocking my DS he came out with the line ‘I hate him I do, I really hate him’. I couldn’t say anything I had no idea what to reply, instead I’ve just brought our son downstairs to settle to give my husband some space,

Im not entirely sure what I’m asking if this post, is this just a normal stress response, is this something I should be worried about? I’m really losing the will some nights but to come out with the comment that you hate our son is that all a bit too much?

Ok, I often say things I don’t mean when I’m super stressed - I think it’s unlikely your dh hates your ds, I think he’s trying to let you know how overwhelmed he is and you’ve absolutely done the right thing by giving him space. Some babies are a nightmare though and you prob need to chat tomorrow with him about how tough things can get and he needs to start thinking about how he’ll mentally resource this (/grow a pair)…. Another possibility to ask your gp about is renal reflux - agony for a baby and takes them ages to diagnose…

I really feel for all of you. I think lots of new parents say and think things like this. It so exhausting and frustrating when babies won't sleep. You all need to be as patient and kind to one another as possible. Giving each other space from the baby can help.

Have you anyone else who could help you out?

Poor DH and poor you. Is it the first baby? He's probably wondering why you both did this to yourselves.

Remember this will get better.

If baby screams no matter what you do the first thing is good ear plugs. It's amazing what that noise does to your brain.

Then you both need a break. Can anyone else look after him while he screams? It's a lot to ask but an older mother who's lived through it and is less emotionally involved would be ideal.

Otherwise taking turns to take baby out in the pram whilst screaming and making everyone judge you could be a better option?

Does DH get to do much of the fun stuff or is he mainly around for the bad bits? Not surprising he isn't feeling it for someone who is basically torturing him every day (whilst I'd hope he does realise this is not intentional).

Both baby and DH will get through this. DH sounds like he needs support and a break but I bet you do just as much and probably don't have the capacity to support him. See if you can have a sensible conversation.

My first Ds did this and it was exhausting
hes 23 now and a gorgeous kind happy young man You will get through though it’s absolutely so difficult in the wee hours. Tell your Dh to talk it through with family or get counselling to have tactics in place to avoid feeling like this and be clear that it’s an overwhelming situation but baby is the vulnerable person here -

Agree with everyone else, it's normal.

Do you never say you hate someone when they do something really annoying?

I use this app for white noise: play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=pl.trpaslik.babynoise

And this from Amazon amzn.eu/d/5KpT4WE

Swaddle baby firmly, White noise louder than their crying, or else they won't hear it, you can gradually turn it down as they settle. Also have the sound near to their head, it's not going to work if it's too far away and they can't hear it if they're crying

Hard to hear, and he'll probably be horrified to think of it later. It sounds as if you communicate well with each other ordinarily so don't let this episode colour your whole relationship. It's a tough stage, especially if there are added issues (feeding and the like).

You will get through this, but do keep talking to each other.

That sounds so difficult. I'd say swaddle and white noise also. Works wonders. The first few weeks are hard. You are both doing the best you can in this crazy situation. There isn't any true "hate" involved I don't think. Just take turns, sleep when you can and stay a team

Go to a cranial osteopath.

Can I ask and not in a judgmental way why people keep suggesting this?

DS went through an awful phase around 10 weeks . He wasn’t actually suffering with anything as far as we understand ( last of the batch between us and id had one with the most severe reflux you can imagine and the Paediatrician had confirmed this too. And he just could not be comforted , it was compounded by the fact that up until that point he’d been the easiest , sleepiest , quietest baby yet and I’d wrongly assumed I’d just got so experienced I was doing the perfect job and we were in for an easy ride… nah, we then were subjected to pure ‘spawn of Satan screaming’ all of a sudden and totally unprepared for it !’ It went on for hours . Everything tried , Drs found nothing wrong, sent home feeling like idiots …. Anyway, eventually I’d started to try baby massage ( do this it’s great) and also I had started filling his baby bath using the sleepy lavender stuff , but doing so in our sitting room next to our fake fireplace . He’d lay in this very warm bubble bath ( shaped one so you didn’t have to hold him constantly as he couldn’t physically slip under the water ) and watch the red lights of the fireplace flicker while inhaling the lavender baby bath. He laid there so contented his limbs floating, fists unclenched and grinned , farted a couple times and when I took him out and bundled him onto my chest in a towel he fell into such a deep sleep within about 5-10 minutes I could pop a nappy on him and a sleep suit without him waking. Did this about 11pm every night for about 5 weeks then he needed it less but we still did it quite a lot .
he was a huge ,huge baby , and this was perfectly safe to do as we sat a couple feet away and grinned at each other as we watched him have his ‘spa time’ and we sat and ate our food or just hugged for a minute . Wouldn’t do it tired and alone obviously .It saved us . It wasn’t right or conventional but it worked and he still as a primary age kid can be thrown in a lavender bubble bath in a dim room ( we use LEds not candles obviously) and it calms him right down and gets him ready for bed.
sorry ! I waffled loads there! But what I mean to say is do try some sensory stuff , I don’t think they are ever too young and it’s healthy for ourselves too because we are breaking the pattern of what we've tried before , focussing on massage or bathtime rather than the screaming and the ‘clock of doom’ where we are calculating how tired we’re gonna be tomorrow is so helpful . It’ll get better soon , it always does. Best of luck and we’ll done you are doing well and this is hard ! Anyone who says it isn’t is a bloody liar 😉

Witching hours, very common and tough but wow that's nasty but guess he's struggling. Not ideal, does he mean annoying?

Don't ever leave your DH with baby alone.

Don't ever leave your DH with baby alone

Oh, FFS.

It's likely colic. My DD was the same from 6pm, they call it the witching hour. Upon my research of colic I discovered that in Australia they are looking into colic and they now know it comes from sensory overload. Apparently doctors over here know this but still follow the advice/colic study from 1970!! A 50 years old study...
They go on about wind and peppermint oil etc which we tried and definitely helped with the wind and their immature digestive systems. Taking on board the sensory overload we put it to the test by stating in a few days, no tv, kept her in the lounge with familiarity and she was fine. No screaming etc. Then tested by going out to Tesco where she would look at the lights and then that evening the screaming/crying would happen.
I'm not saying it's the answer for you but definitely worth a look into. If I can find the article I'll add it in another post/reply.

Poor you, that must have been shocking to hear and very upsetting. Sounds like you handled it well in the moment.

If he's a good and decent man (and you know if he is) then I wouldn't worry too much about this. I would make sure he didn't have sole care for the baby during times when the baby is unsettled for the time being, just because he may be worn down and at the end of his tether. Just got to keep supporting each other.

Hope your baby is more settled soon 💐

I can sympathise, but it's really important for your H and for you as well to not take the baby's crying personally.

The baby isn't rejecting you or your husband.

He sounds frustrated, stressed and most probably like a spare part at times, esp. when you’re BF baby. I don’t think he really meant it.

Plus, all the good advice other pp have given. My 3 DC we’re all different babies and I had a steep learning curve each time. We had similar nights with the last DC. You’ll work it out soon enough.

Cmpa mum here, been where he has, he's just struggling and frustrated. Doubt he means it. Amino Acid formula might help baby. There are cmpa support groups on fb. It's super hard I know. Just try and support him dads can get PND too. I hope you are ok op. I know how rough it can be.

My first son was absolutely aweful. We both hated him at times but always loved him. But dad struggled because he didn't know how to make him happy. Dads are fixers, and with with babies they are completely lost and can't make it better , so it's hard.

Bless you OP - I agree with most PPs - it sounds like DH is overwhelmed and expressed that sense of helplessness in the only way he knew how in that moment.

At 5 weeks old, I woke to my DH rocking our DS but sobbing as she wouldn’t sleep and he felt useless that he couldn’t settle her and admitted that he ‘couldn’t do this anymore’. I gave him space, we made some changes to our routine, talked through how normal it was to feel that way (I also reminded him that I often felt the same, even if on the surface it didn’t look like it) and although it was a tough time, it’s been lovely watching his confidence and bond with her grow since.

Keep talking to and supporting each other lovely, and hopefully things will start to look up soon.

Please don’t call your 10 week old baby ‘clingy’. He’s a tiny little baby. He wants to be close to you all the time, that’s how he feels safe - even if he is crying. He’s not ‘clingy’. What you’re experiencing is extremely hard and exhausting but unfortunately nothing out of the ordinary. There’s some good suggestions on this thread.

I doubt he really really means it. It's incredibly hard. Especially at this point when they're not giving you anything back. When the baby is 2 and making him laugh and being adorable, he won't believe he ever felt this way!

Saying that though, I'd still feel gutted that he said it, and also would want to protect my baby on the off chance that he gets so frustrated/tired that he harms the baby. I know he's your husband and it may seem dramatic but no body sets out to shake a baby, it happens when people are at the end of their emotional reserve.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. He doesn't mean it (hopefully!) And probably thinks baby hates him too.

My baby had cmpa and we had no clue for the first 6 weeks. During that time my dc screamed for 16 hours a day. We were on out knees and at one point I considered putting him up for adoption because I couldn't handle it . Obviously I didn't but that level of sleep deprevation is absolute torture. Don't be too hard on your dh