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Original poster

SAHM's - do you get told 'It's your job' by DP's?

55 replies

Stefka · 25/01/2008 14:16

My DH often says this to me if I am asking for his help with something. I realise that it is in a way my job as he is out earning money for us and I do do all the housework etc but sometimes in the evening I want him to help out a bit too. DS is only 14 weeks and very fussy in the evenings and I often get no time to myself at all. DH just tells me to sleep when he's asleep during the day but this is not practical because I just can't sleep then and there is too much to do in the house. Am I unreasonable to feel that DS is not just my job but his too?

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mumnoone · 25/01/2008 14:41

Yes, have been told this constantly by dh for last 2yrs. I stay at home to look after ds (go back to work in April) and have had to really coax/convince/bribe at times dh to 'help' with stuff that, I think, he should want to do ie. bath/bedtime routine, seeing as he not seen ds all day.
It's hard work though & I bet you v tired. We now taking it in turns doing bathtime & our evening meal prep. so it's not all him doing bathtime &, maybe, seeing me as 'dumping' 'my jobs' (!) onto him & thus 'sciving'!!!
I've shared my frustrations with friends/family/MN folk & my only bit of advice would be that to encourage your dh to take part is best rather than force. Emphasise it's for ds's & his sake, to bond etc, rather than to 'help' you out as he may not be as sympathetic as you'd like.
Second bit of advice is don't compare your dh to others, as you'll only feel worse, as you may be told by friends etc that their dh's help out all the time/take dc to park/swim/bath etc all so that they can rest & that they're fantastic/wonderful.
All relationships are different & you can't force your dh to help. He will in time as maybe he sees you as the main carer at the mo & that his 'kicking the football around' bit will come later, when ds is a bit older.
My dh found it a bit hard to bond with our ds in ealry days but with my encouragemtn, & yes come frank talking about responsibilities, he is better, not perfect, but better.

ConnieDescending · 25/01/2008 14:43

umm no

he wouldn't dare! and probably doesn't view it like that either.

If we are both at home then all chores/ childcare are split 50/50.

Some men are wankers - glad I married one that isn't.

ConnorTraceptive · 25/01/2008 14:48

I don't know what amazes me more about these types of threads, the fact that some husbands are complete knobs or that so many women accept and resign themselves to it.

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lazarou · 25/01/2008 14:48

No he doesn't but in the early days, with lack of sleep, it's easy to be unreasonable, snappy, delirious, etc with each other.
It will get easier, for both of you.

Dropdeadfred · 25/01/2008 14:49

I agree with connor..absolutely unreal

lazarou · 25/01/2008 14:50

By the way, do try and get a bit of rest in the day. You will find that your house is always untidy from now on and there will always be things to do.

colditz · 25/01/2008 14:53

so what you're suggesting, munoone, is that Stefka stops nagging, puts up with it, and doesn't compare her H to other men as she will see his shortcomings ... and that she will have to coax and bribe her H into spedning time with his children.

I got the impression she was married to an adult, not a 4 year old.

TheMadHouse · 25/01/2008 14:53

I have to admit that I see it as my job to look after the kids as I am a SAHM, but DH does his share and more when he is arounf.

he has had two extended unpaid holidays when DS1 was ill and helped in looking after them both. every Friday he slep in with the smallest untill he was sleeping through so I could get an unbroken nights sleep and he also is just a fab daddy and DH.

At 14 weeks you should be sleeping suring the day when you LO naps - take advantage of the fact that is not moving around etc.

DH always says that my job is much harder than his job in every way

clumsymum · 25/01/2008 14:55

If he's saying it about household tasks, how about "Well maybe, but I've been doing 'my job' since seven o'clock this morning and I am a bit knackered frankly. Now seeing as 'your job' is finished for the day, and mine never ends, perhaps you could pitch in a bit?"

Although I'd have such an edge in my voice he'd be scared when I said it.

If he saying it about bathing or feeding the baby, then the answer is "No, this child is as much yours as mine, you are equally his parent, and parenting is a job for both of us. now GET ON WITH IT"

Honestly, men !!

ConnorTraceptive · 25/01/2008 15:01

perhaps she's one of those surrendered wives colditz?

mumnoone · 25/01/2008 15:03

I think by calling her dh & any other dh who isn't Golden Perfect Bloke a wanker isn't v constructive support for someone with a 14wk old.
Maybe folk with tricky dh's know very well their dh's short comings but the last thing they need is a whole group of up their-own-arses women telling them so, rather than suggest some coping strategies / support / advice instead!
Maybe she's feeling MN is her last sourse of advice/support & that she maybe feeling really isolated......sorry, am not into making people feel worse than they may do already.

ConnorTraceptive · 25/01/2008 15:07

My dh isn't golden balls by a long shot - difference is I don't pussy foot around and try to "handle" him. If he's being a prick I tell him (and vica versa although I'm far too up my own arse to believe I have any short comings )

NineUnlikelyTales · 25/01/2008 15:08

My DH would never say this and I would be aghast if he did.

As yours still seems to be, erm, unelightened, perhaps you could set a few boundaries? Like he works at his job between 8.30am and 6pm when he gets home and SO DO YOU. When you are both in the house together the remaining tasks are both your responsiblities. Your DS is as much his responsibility as he is yours and those evenings can be so hard even with support.

If he doesn't see it that way then maybe you could point him in the direction of other couples you know who manage to share the workload more equally?

TOD · 25/01/2008 15:09

I don't understand men like that! I feel very fortunate that my DH is very supportive and great with the kids, he would never utter those words to me, now i don't know if that is out of respect or fear..maybe a combination of both .
Seriously he needs to face up to his responsibilties and start acting like a grown up FATHER and HUSBAND...not a childish guest!!

TheMuppetMuggle · 25/01/2008 15:10

My DP wouldn't dare say anything like that, thankfully he comes home and pitches in. but he normally comes home to clean and tidy house with hot meal ready on table.

sleepycat · 25/01/2008 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clumsymum · 25/01/2008 15:14

Muppet ...

I bet he didn't come home to a clean and tidy house with a hot meal ready on the table when your first child was 14 weeks old tho ???

mumnoone · 25/01/2008 15:15

This kind of thread makes my blood boil, & yes, because it strikes a cord & am not too proud to admit it.
Good Luck Stefka, am sure he'll take on his fair share with time.
Have broad sholuders too..........you'll need it with MN regular vultures, whose sole aim, I can make out from being a new MN reader, is to make people feel worse than they already do, rather than offer support /tips etc.
I'm off.

clumsymum · 25/01/2008 15:15

Sleepycat

Where did you find your dh? What a STAR.

sleepycat · 25/01/2008 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clumsymum · 25/01/2008 15:19

Steady on, mumnoone, no need to be soooo vitriolic because you don't like what one person said.

Cor you are welcomne to join in here, but lovey, if you don't like us, don't feel obliged to stay.

And please don't turn a thread where we are supporting someone into a row`

TheMuppetMuggle · 25/01/2008 15:20

Clumsy, DD was a very good baby was sleeping through the night at 2 weeks old, and loved the sound of the hoover etc i walked around with her in her sling whilst i did housework, her moses basket was in the living room so i could lay her to sleep in there whilst i did dinner, so generally he did, he would do the feed before bed so i could have a bath and then just chill out in the evening.

sleepycat · 25/01/2008 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dropdeadfred · 25/01/2008 15:25

I actually think I had far MORE time to tidy, read a book, watch tv, cook a meal when dd was 14 weeks old...tell him to get ready for when lo is 14 MONTHS old..it's one hell of a lot harder.

he may not be a wanker but unless he spends a day in your shoes doing exactly what he expects you to do hewill never know your difficulties...so go out all day saturday and leave him ith the baby and all the laundry, cleaning, cooking and tidying to do and have a little chat on sunday about division of labour

clumsymum · 25/01/2008 15:27

How lovely Muppet.

I was a disorganised mess for weeks after ds was born, and it was ages before I could get on with preparing a meal, partly cos I was exhausted all the time.

But then I was a geriatric mum, and my dad put a spanner in the works by dying when ds was 11 days old, which sort of knocked my over a bit.

Fortunately dh didn't mind a bit, and did more than his share.