Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

SAHM's - do you get told 'It's your job' by DP's?

55 replies

Stefka · 25/01/2008 14:16

My DH often says this to me if I am asking for his help with something. I realise that it is in a way my job as he is out earning money for us and I do do all the housework etc but sometimes in the evening I want him to help out a bit too. DS is only 14 weeks and very fussy in the evenings and I often get no time to myself at all. DH just tells me to sleep when he's asleep during the day but this is not practical because I just can't sleep then and there is too much to do in the house. Am I unreasonable to feel that DS is not just my job but his too?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

TOD · 25/01/2008 15:27

Must DH is great with kids but not so great around the house...like a tip if i leave him on his own for few hours , I dont go on about it to him cos the kids are happy , fed, entertained and i have had a well earned break!
Stefka I'm sure your DP will come around in time, just explain how tired you feel and that you cant do this on your own...we all need help.
Maybe he genuinely doent realise how difficult a job you have.. leave him with baby for couple of hours and he will then realise just how hard it is and maybe then he will chip in!!

TheMuppetMuggle · 25/01/2008 15:33

Clumsy i am lucky when it comes to my DP and at the weekends he cooks to

But i agree maybe you should leave your DP with the baby on saturday and you go out and see how he likes it.

clumsymum · 25/01/2008 15:42

yep, my dh likes to cook, helps him wind down after work, so I get help that way too.

Stefka seriously, you need to talk to him about how you feel, and that his comment is a bit hurtful (he may not even mean it that way?),

And it wouldn't do him any harm to do a bit of sole childcare for a few hours (not just those hours when baby naps either) just to see its not easy at all.
Personally I'd get a friend or family member to 'get poorly' (nothing infectious, maybe a sprained ankle?) and need you to help them over a full day.
That way you are not preparing the house, just go to the aid of your friend, saying to dh "you can look after little x. You'll need to wash a few of his clothes/nappies, oh and I've left a shopping list on the side" as you go.
See how he feels when you get back

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

clumsymum · 25/01/2008 15:43

You and said friend then look round the shops, have lunch, take in a movie. Get yourself a break.

nzshar · 25/01/2008 15:47

Before ds me and dp shared everything. Totally 50/50 split housework,cooking, washing etc etc and why not we were both working after all. Since ds a have managed to set up a routine (ds now 3.7) where i do most of the housecleaning, shopping etc but when dp gets in he takes over childcare. I have always got up in the night to ds apart from saturday nights when dp is on duty and i get the sunday morning sleep in Dp cooks at least once in the weekends and the garden is his domain, to many creepy crawlies for me

wb · 25/01/2008 15:48

God no!

Obviously I generally do more round the house/look after ds more as a SAHM but its hardly a 8hr working day (or a 10 hr one/12 hr one - adjust according to child's age/husband's working hours as necessary).

Only when my husband works 16+ hours a day 7 days a week would I even consider letting a remark like that pass.

When ds1 was 14 weeks old breastfeeding was the only thing that was unequivically my job. Now 39 weeks pregnant w. ds2 dh gets a long day of work plus helping out at home. And he does it uncomplainingly. And I love him for it.

Unless you are happy w. this sort of attitude (and it will probably get worse over time) I'd have a long heart to heart w. him about the duties/hours of a SAHM.

nzshar · 25/01/2008 15:50

BTW i would kill him if he ever told me it was "my job" to do something in the house or to do with ds but he would never say it anyhow, now my exh may have said something like that but thank god i got rid before we had children

colditz · 25/01/2008 16:36

Sorry, Mumnoone, should I pretend that I turn a blind eye to being mistreated purely to keep the peace, just so you can feel better about doing it?

It's true what they say, misery loves company.

The OP did not ask for tips on how to suppress her inner rage at being forced into the position of unpaid skivvy, she asked if she was being unreasonable objecting to it. She's not.

Original poster

Stefka · 25/01/2008 16:47

Gosh I didn't expect such a strong reaction!

DH isn't a wanker although he has his moments when he's fairly annoying but don't we all.

He does work seven days a week and is studying part time too so I know he is busy and tired. It's just that I am too and I am not sure he gets that. Hopefully it will settle down. I signed up to an evening class so that will give me a night off at least.

OP posts:

lucyellensmum · 25/01/2008 17:56

Stefka, leave him with DS for a few days, let him do it all, leave him a list of house work too - men are good at doing the childcare and then forget that it isnt the fairies that do the housework and cooking.

I don't think he is a wanker at all - just a man . It is very easy i think to have grass is greener syndrome. It sounds like you both have a lot on your plate. It does get easier though.

I think you should have a chat and just explain that you would maybe like the time to have a bath etc and that it would be good for DH to spend some time with DS on his own. It has always worked in our house that DP has DD while i cook dinner, although th4ere does seem to be an unfair divide when it comes to housework

kittywise · 25/01/2008 17:59

why should he do it all, he works 7 days a week?

Tommy · 25/01/2008 18:01

he could try....

we have one of those houses and families where I take responsibility for it all when DH is at work and, when he comes home, we both do it. (in theory at least )

motherinferior · 25/01/2008 18:02

So does Stefka!

lucyellensmum · 25/01/2008 18:04

I am going to get flamed for this, but i dont care, i do think that if you are a SAHM, then it pretty much is "your job". That is how i view my childcare responsibilities. I do think it stops there though, and the housework should be shared fairly, but realistically, it is the SAHP that gets to do the most of it because they are there!

My DP is a perfect daddy, but he leaves most of the parenting to me during the week.

We have to remember that the OP DH works seven days a week, AND studies. And yes, SAHP is a 24/7 job.

I dont think getting on feminist high horse is going to help. But i do think that OP just needs to point out that she does need a break, and the very fact that even though DH studies too, the change of scene he gets when he comes home and the chance to spend some time with DS IS a break for him.

With some straight and honest talking i dont see why this has to be a major issue. But i think putting up and shutting up isnt the way to go, because if you dont say anything, how is DH supposed to know you are unhappy, because lets face it, if someone around me opts to do the lions share, i'll bloody well let them.

lazarou · 25/01/2008 18:09

LEM, you won't get flamed, everyones too busy arguing on the other thread.....

pagwatch · 25/01/2008 18:14

My DH would never say that to me.

He works long hours but does way more than me with the kids at the weekend. but during the week I do regard the house and the children as my 'job'.
But DH would never talk about it in those terms and if I was tired he would help me, same as i would help him. we try to be a team and supprt each other. and he does get home at 7.30 each night and still helps me with dinner - sometimes giving me a glass of wine and telling me to sit down while he cooks.
Because he is nice.
To me the equivalent would be a SAHM who bitched at her DH for not earning enough.
Maybe have some kind of a point but really shouldn't be talking to each other like that.

( and no I am not Mrs Walton. Just married for nearly 19 years )

kittywise · 25/01/2008 18:33

lucyellensmum, I totally agree with you.

We'll get flamed together

lucyellensmum · 25/01/2008 18:41

lazarou, what other thread? I want to play

LazyLinePainterJane · 25/01/2008 18:43

LEM, I think it's rather pathetic to say that women choosing to be walked all over in terms of housework is getting on a feminist high horse.

What else I think is pathetic is a parent who works outside the home refusing to bath their baby because it is someone else's job! It is not a chore to bath a tiny baby, he should be revelling in the task!

Yes, he works 7 days a week, and I do not think that Stefka is asking her DH to take on 50% of the domestic tasks, simply to help out with their child when she needs it.

lazarou · 25/01/2008 18:47

The facebook one

lucyellensmum · 25/01/2008 18:48

i don't think that the OP DH has refused to help with bathtime, i certainly missed that bit of the thread. I would take issue with that, but it shouldn't be a feminist issue really, should it? I thought we had grown past all of that, surely. I dont think her DH is walking all over her really, he just needs to have it pointed out to him that he needs to join in with the parenting more. You never know, perhaps he lacks the confidence.

lucyellensmum · 25/01/2008 18:49

ah well it looks like it might kick off on here, i'm not sure i can keep up with the face book one

lazarou · 25/01/2008 18:50

I think it has all calmed down now and everyone is having a nice cup of tea and a group hug.

lucyellensmum · 25/01/2008 18:55

ah, the warm snuggliness of mumsnet

LazyLinePainterJane · 25/01/2008 19:18

Flip

1 2 3