Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. I hope this thread can continue the good work of the original. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here.

Christmas gifting - me and my sister would get identical bags of quite a lot of gifts some really nice but I’d have swapped it for just one normal gift to avoid the running commentary as every single gift was opened and the expectation of utter glee and gratitude at a tin of sure deodorant (I thought you’d like that fragrance) shower gel (you can have a lovely shower with that it was quite expensive it smells wonderful) or some socks (they’re from next you know…) etc etc

Just realised that last post makes me sound ungrateful I def wasn’t she liked to give gifts but there was the need to be extremely grateful for them in return

No not ungrateful. because the gift isnt about the actual gift. It always comes with strings attached.

A weird thing a few years ago I was self employed on maternity leave so skint so suggested (please) can we just do one present each this Christmas. I got such a weird response, that it wasn’t fair and she wasn’t happy, was along the lines of ‘if you just get me one present and your sister just gets me one present as that means I’ll only have two presents’ wtf

omg my mum basically said this word for word, we were planning on doing secret Santa last year and everyone agreed, except her her words were " err no, what so after all I do for you all I get 1 present for Christmas. How's that fair"

Even though we explained that with the family growing rapidly year by year more and more kids. We were focusing on the children. She didn't allow it.

She always asks for exspensive gifts too. Like not mega bucks. But this year she asked for Vivienne Westwood earrings £80! I'd budgeted £40 for her. My partner and I didn't get each other because we could afford to in the end.

If someone asks what to get my kids for a birthday or Christmas I always ask for a price range. Don't wanna sounds rude but don't want to suggest something out of budget and make them feel obligated. My mum dosnt care about my budget, she asked my budget for my little sister who still lives at home. I said £30 she then took me to a shop and showed me what to buy her, basically walked me to the till £55 later 🙄🙄 almost doubled my budget because it's what she wanted for her. It's so annoying. I could literally never, it's shameful

Oh yes! Can completely relate to this. Clothes she would wear, things she likes or just recycled crap that someone else has given her or her own cast offs.

The last few years she just writes a cheque. Because ‘She’s too ill.’ She uses money as a weapon. When she did buy the kids Christmas presents she never bothered wrapping them.
So now everything is a cheque. Whatever I buy her you can guarantee she won’t like!

It was my late MIL who showed me what normal was in the mothering stakes. She was fantastic.

I sat opposite her recently as she moaned about how terrible her life was and how no one cares and said to her - what can I do Mum? I can’t make you happy.! Think she probably pretended she couldn’t hear with her dodgy hearing aid.

She told me I was a terrible daughter because she nursed her mum for 6 months with cancer. But she had very little time for her before that and did nothing for her dad who died alone.

My daughter said. ‘ You aren’t a terrible daughter mum, you’re a great daughter. If I were you I would have cut her off years ago. ‘

love to you all! X

@reesewithoutaspoon Mine is also b/ and c/ Either something she already got and doesn't like or something she likes herself and cannot care less if I do. She has literally no interest in what I like.

This is for another post but she actually doesn't know what my job is about. And then she feels embarrassed her friends ask her and she looks dumb. But if I try to explain she always interrupts and starts talking about herself, so she is still no clue.

When given a present it goes with the "Wear this ....ie. scarf, its very stylish, not the type of stuff you normally wear, it cost me a lot of money. You won't look as scruffy with it..."

It's very uplifting hahaha. I absolutely hate the gift giving with her. Anything to put you down.
For her anything has to be expensive. Perfumes. Expensive brands. There are no budgets for her. And she frequently asks for the receipt so she can change it.
I normally tell her not to do any gift exchange as we already have too much stuff etc.

Again, I feel like I’m jumping on the bandwagon - but money/birthdays/Christmas were always hell. Nothing was ever given by her without strings attached, even to my DCs. They were always very polite to her and thanked her appropriately but she could never resist saying, “You see, I’m not that bad a grandmother, am I? I always buy you nice things .” Why say that to children? Why not just give graciously?

Whatever I bought for her was never good enough.
”I’ve already got one of those.”
”When would I ever use that?”
Or she would just put the gift aside with a look of complete disdain. I used to tie myself in knots trying to get something thoughtful. I even suggested to her that the adults stopped exchanging gifts and we just focussed on the children. She wasn’t having that. “I LIKE getting presents. My birthday is important”

However, I always got a cheque for £50 on my birthday - made out to both me and DH, “As I don’t want him getting jealous. I know how money can divide couples.” Hilarious - DH wasn’t ever bothered at all! She then expected to be taken out for a meal with us paying, which inevitably cost more that £50 so that was then end of any fancy ideas I had about spending the money. The cheque was always handed to me in an unsealed envelope and she insisted that I open it in front of her so I could do the fully grateful and ‘surprised’ act.

I know that will make me sound brattish, but I’d rather have had a small gesture thoughtfully bought for far less money.

I honestly cannot remember any gift my DM bought me, she never bought one for my DS and her only grandchild. She used to give us money. Any gift I gave her was always put aside with distain and she never thank me. So were her gifts from others, sometimes she even tutted. Ungrateful, ungracious bitch.

My DM was never interested in anything I did or liked. She never even noticed that I might need something.

When DD1 was born she bought the car seat. Never heard the bloody end of it. When DD2 was born I didn’t allow her ti buy a ‘big thing’ and said there’s nothing we need maybe just some clothes? She arrived at the house with the biggest bag of clothes “all from next” you can imagine, completely trumping other grandma. I was exhausted sleep deprived etc but still had to examine every one and have running commentary. Then the ‘piece de resistance’ “I’ve spent £120 to match what I spent on the car seat for DD1 can you remember i got her the car seat?”
I said “no I’d forgotten about that”
😂 ….the face she did was priceless…

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas - my DM always thought that she was the most wonderful, beautiful woman on the planet. How "people" had said she looked like a movie star. She was pretty when she was young but we all were.

How she settled for my DF when she had the pick of men. She could never mention one though and I think he was her first boyfriend.

How she "got on better with the younger generation" and was always invited places. No she didn't and no she wasn't.

How everyone was jealous of her when it was the other way around.

How other women her age were so old yet she was the one who opted for a supported flat at 55.

How exams must be easy as I did so well. Yet she didn't even pass the two she took.

Absolutely tone deaf. Breathtakingly self absorbed.

No one has ever said anything nice if anything at all about her to me whilst so many remember my DF fondly.

I often think what was the point of her life? Apart from having me. She did nothing with it. She never helped anyone or achieved anything.

She is exhausting to think about and she's been dead for years. I really don't know how you do it @speakout

Love to you all x

My mum paid through the nose for bonded blonde, ass length extensions every six weeks. And would always go on about how lovely her hair was and fish for compliments on how lovely her hair was. He real hair was chin length at best so it looked ridiculous. You could clearly see where her hair ended and the exstentions started. I told her on multiple occasions they were a waste of money. Her hair texture was like candy floss from years and years of bleaching it to within an inch of its life. I told her for years her best bet would be to dye it brown. And cut it to chin level if she wanted any hope of not being bald before she was 50. She has now ditched the exstentions but only because she fell out with the woman. Probably for being entitled which she massively is. She's insistent on being blonde it's madness

she bleaches her hair so much I'm surprised there's still any left on her head. She's fallen out with so many beauty service providers in the past because of her entitlement. She used to get my little sister regular spray tans from the age of 10 (don't 😂) as in weekly. And because she was a child she paid half price so £7 a time. When my sister got to £16 and was taller than my mum the lady said just to let you know I'll continue to do your daughter for £7 untill the end of the year but in the new year I'm gonna have to start charging full price, she's taller than you. The woman laughed. Trying to make it light hearted but still getting her point across. My mum hit the roof.

giving it how dare she? She's a child? I'm not paying £15 a week for a child to get a spray tan.

I mean there's so much wrong with that sentence. But the woman was well within her rights to charge full price. She's bloody 5 ft 8 🤪

Once again, I recognise so much in what you say, user.

When I was a teenager and going on occasional dates, mine told me repeatedly how popular she’d been with boys and how many boyfriends she’d had. Eventually it struck me that, although she reminisced about one boyfriend, none of the other alleged boyfriends had a name or featured in similar stories. I very much doubt they existed.

I’d never thought of this before, but only one person has ever said anything nice to me about mine. Shortly afterwards, she treated them so badly (they wouldn’t tell me exactly how, and she denies anything happened) that they dropped all contact with her.

@WaggledMyAerialAndWolfedMyCustardCreams My mother used to go on and on about all her ‘boyfriends’ too. She meant admirers I think. They certainly weren’t boyfriends in the sense I understand it. She used to boast how they were all desperate to marry her , despite the fact none of them had names and she can’t describe them .
it’s weird how similar they sound.

my mum hasn’t bought me a birthday or xmas present she’s thought of ever.

most birthdays I get nothing, christmas I take her to do her other shopping so she says she will do a little grocery shop for me while we are there - which I know is nice but it’s definitely like I’m not worth the mental energy of thinking what a nice gift would be, and then she goes on about it afterwards

for DS, I never hear the end of anything she buys for him

Oh yes, ItsCurtainsToThat, I’m pretty sure she means admirers, but they don’t have names, they don’t feature in her accounts of places she went and things she did and so I wonder whether they existed.

My mum craves attention and validation from men to a crazy level we probably had upwards of 20 men live with us through the course of my childhood. Many more he never moved in but where boyfriends who visited and stayed over regularly. Very unstable for us we never knew who the step dad of the week was going to me, not to mention incredibly dangerous. Me and my two sisters are so lucky we were never abused by any of these men. There was so many it's a miracle really. No concern for waiting to make sure she knew them before introducing. She had her face date with my youngest sisters dad in his transit van at Morrisons car park and she took me and my sister with her 🤯 she met 99% of these men on chat rooms/ dating apps he could have been anyone!

but as soon as her current boyfriend starts to annoy her or dosnt give her the attention she wants she's straight back on pof or whatever it's so sad. She's not even shy about it either. She leaves her phone around with messages from loads of guys saying hey beautiful and stuff when her boyfriend is about and could see it.

one time we'd been out all day with her boyfriend. He'd paid for a pub lunch and stuff then he went home in the evening. My mum then asked if I'd look after my little sister who at the time was about 7 I was like ok where are you going? and she had a date. With someone else. I felt so bad for her boyfriend. Her excuse was oh he's. Boring me I'm going to break up with him.

I always had to console her and be more emotionally mature than her if she got broken up with. She couldn't take rejection.

That sounds awful, LittleMissMama.

@LittlemissMama67 I'm very sorry to hear that.

My mum was very different, she prides herself of only be with one man, my dad but of course with many "admirers" in her past.
She is really fixated in her looks still now in her 70s and always was. She comments non stop in how people perceives her as very beautiful lady. I was always told as a child and specially in my teenage years how I was not beautiful at all. My self steem was terrible at the time.
I am a very happy person now, not good looking but plain, and happy with how I look, very sporty and have lots of friends. I don't focus in my appearance, I think because it reminds me my mother.

I do think she is very plain too in reality, just groomed to perfection. She's definitely very boring. She used to love those beauty contest of women competing to be Miss Universe or whatever shit was called. She made us watch that as kids.
She would compare herself to them when young and also take the chance to put me down about how I didn't look anything like it.

She recently said she doesn't kown those contests are now gone. I said to her: "Maybe because they are purely misogynistic and only dumb people watch that.
I love when I have those moments of inspiration, very rarely though.

Other women were definitely rated and/or judged on her perverse idea of attractiveness.

If she considered them plain, they were to be either pitied in a smug way or criticised for their ‘lack of effort’ and perceived laziness in neglecting their appearance.

Beautiful women were there to be ‘taken down’
“I bet she’s had cosmetic work done”
”Her hair colour doesn’t suit her”
”I would hate to look that”
”She’s too old/young to be wearing that”

If myself or DD was ever complimented in front of her, it was always about how we’d clearly inherited the positive thing from her. Neither myself or DD inherited her colouring - she was dark haired and we’re both fair haired - if anyone commented on that, she would say without fail, “Oh I’m SO glad I was never blonde. They always age badly and end up looking brassy”!

The gifting thing - for my 40th DM gave me a Brooch (something I never wore nor wear) I consulted my equally narc sister as to 'would it be ok to tell DM that it's not really for me...she said oh yes that will be fine chin chin...

I call 'it's a beautiful brooch, but I really won't wear it and it's a shame - would it be possible to exchange it for some earrings or something else?' She went ballistic - I was an unappreciative bitch etc etc. I did give it back to her but was never given anything else.

10 years later when she had surgery I sent her a very expensive cashmere wrap in a neutral beige colour. Her response 'it's lovely, but I suppose it's too late to change the colour...' 💁🏻‍♀️

And always as a child a card with 'present coming later...'