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Original poster

Leaving 5 month old with grandparents for 4 nights

140 replies

haych5 · 16/09/2022 22:25

My DH’s mum and dad live 7 hours away so have only met our DS once when he was a couple of weeks old. They have offered to take care of our DS for four nights as they are having a break two hours away so we can go away and they get the opportunity to spend quality time with DS which is really lovely of them. I do trust them and they are fantastic with their other grandkids.

my DH jumped at the chance as we don’t have any other help, and booked a holiday to Europe for us.

I was initially excited about it and the idea of quality time with DH but now it’s coming up very soon I’m now very very anxious about leaving him and feeling a bit sick about it. He’s only met them once. We are spending the day with his parents before we go but then we are leaving DS with them at a hotel they’re staying at.

my worries are
he’s only met them once
he will be staying somewhere he doesn’t know
I won’t be there to calm him if he gets upset, he’s quite a fussy baby.

will he think we’ve abandoned him? My DH thinks I’m being ridiculous but I can’t stop worrying now.

what can I do to make sure he’s going to be okay? Or should I cancel - which risks pissing off DH and his parents.

OP posts:

puddleduckle · 17/09/2022 03:57

I’ve left baby with my mum for one night at a time since he was four months (NICU baby, very happy as long as he’s with someone, doesn’t have to be me) but we started slowly; she stayed with us a night every couple of weeks since he came home so he knows her very well etc before he went to her house overnight. My baby loves my DM, lights up when he sees her or hears her voice but there’s no way I’d leave him for more than a night or two even now a good few months on though, and I wouldn’t be going abroad without him until he’s much older. If you have to do this, can’t your PIL’s stay at your house so that your baby is in a familiar setting and has all of their own things? I think your DH is going to have to just be a bit disappointed on this one, your baby’s needs trump his imo.

fifi1989 · 17/09/2022 04:07

Absolutely not! Really sorry, but how are you even considering doing this? They are strangers to him - it doesn’t matter how nice or amazing they are. My daughter is 4 months old and I can leave her with my mum for about 15 minutes at a time at the moment, although my mum visits several times a week. Your baby wants and needs to be with you! Please don’t leave him like this.

fifi1989 · 17/09/2022 04:11

Also your husband shouldn’t have suggested this. Completely mad.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3-6 months old Babies & sleep Families General parenting

ladydoris · 17/09/2022 04:43

This won't work. My prediction. 10 pounds on : They will be at your door at 2am in the morning with a yelling kid on their arms. Just saying. Or you will be driving back from anxiety because you are not coping. Or you will have a massive fight because (tada) all He talks about is the baby. My pop corn is out.
😂And those kids are so terrible that if it's an emergency, they will stay cool as cucumber. Now your parents can be magical fairies, but real life is a nasty thing.

ladydoris · 17/09/2022 04:46

Glad you changed your mind OP. He will come back missing you both. It is what it is.

Imohsotired · 17/09/2022 04:55

Why not add the baby as a lap infant and go ahead on your holiday as planned?

i have a 5 month old and no way could I leave them overnight either.

PinkCheetah · 17/09/2022 05:00

Oh OP. I'm so sorry I know it's going to be hella awkward for you now with the DH and PILs but my own DD just turned 5 months and I could never. Especially leaving her in a hotel room and not at home. The most I've done is let GPs have her in a cot in their room overnight, with me literally sleeping in the next room. I couldn't let my baby sleep elsewhere overnight.

Can't you still go on your holiday but take the baby with you? Is it too late to add an infant ticket to your booking? From my recollection it's only a flat fare for babies on laps.

ThePoetsWife · 17/09/2022 05:07

Your DH is a twat.

Glad you've decided to put your baby's needs first.

Bimbil19 · 17/09/2022 05:29

Oh OP are you okay? I absolutely think you've done the right thing but it sounds like you never really wanted it in the first place and felt you had to for DH? Is he supportive and helpful with baby in general? Such a tough situation for you to be in with such a little baby but well done for sticking to your guns.

grumpytoddler1 · 17/09/2022 05:32

Yes, can't you just take him with you?

I definitely couldn't have left mine for 4 nights at that age but I was breastfeeding about a hundred times a night so maybe that skews my opinion a bit.

Also, what things do people do with kettles in hotel rooms???!!

LizzieSiddal · 17/09/2022 07:19

Can’t believe your H would go without you! What a selfish idiot.

DCINightingale · 17/09/2022 07:30

OP you have absolutely done the right thing. I'm sorry your "D"H has reacted in a rather unempathetic way. It's a bit bonkers your PIL offered - are they the sort to be a bit too helpful to compensate for living so far away (my DM can be a bit like that). I hope they can still spend some quality time with their DGC when they visit and maybe you could get the odd hour or so of peace - at this stage it can make such a difference.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 17/09/2022 07:35

I would have definitely gone! But by the time my DD was 5 months i had left her with grandparents a few times. Its easier when they are little as they have no concept of time, so don't know how long you are gone for. I don't blame your husband for saying he is still going, its all been paid for, what a waste of money to not go. I think your mistake is not building up this, so getting someone to babysit/have the baby over night so first time tou do it isn't for 4 nights.

Quartz2208 · 17/09/2022 08:00

Yes you could add the baby to the booking

I would calmly explain that yes it is disappointing but leaving a 5 month old baby in a hotel room with people who have met him once is unfair on everyone and not a sensible decision ( personally if he can’t see that he is a selfish twat, putting his needs ahead of his child’s, parents, wife and frankly the hotel guests who would have to deal with the inevitable but maybe not st that) and that he is a parent now and thinking of his child’s needs is front and centre

now that doesn’t have to mean you can’t have alone time, but start slow a night and build up

and suggest you do a hotel trip and see what it is like

Rakszasa · 17/09/2022 09:30

Maybe a couple of nights with your in laws in the same hotel, so they can get to spend some quality time with DS, but at the same time you'd be close enough?
Don't feel bad for changing your mind, you're a mother and if something feels wrong you should go with your instinct without getting guilt tripped!

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/09/2022 09:39

haych5 · 17/09/2022 01:46

Thanks for all your replies. Just a brief update- My DH wasn’t happy at all, he said he is still going to go but without me. Lol… No compromise. Oh well.

We are telling his parents tomorrow and will discuss alternative plans for them to have some quality time with DS.

Feeling crap that he doesn’t see my pov now but what can I do. Lesson learnt

Your husband is a selfish arse. Going away on this European holiday without you - that is his idea of punishing you, not a holiday. Because how much of a holiday will it be? Sitting on his own in restaurants eating dinner alone? Arse. And what does he expect to return to - wife and baby all smiley and welcoming? Of course not!

If he wants to go, fine. Just don't come fucking back, you arse. Go and live seven hours away with your equally insensitive parents, or rent a grotty bedsit for a fortune. Arse.

Nutellanjam · 17/09/2022 09:42

Just put the opportunity on hold until the baby is bigger! It’s brilliant they are happy to do this but I’d wait a year or so

brookln · 17/09/2022 10:46

OP every time we go to our holiday home with my 3 months old he gets all fussy because he doesn't recognise the place. Take him a day or two to get used to it.

We are sooo relaxed with our baby I wouldn't even give examples on here of how blasé we are. But I'd not leave him for four days no way. What if he can't settle?

Next month I have to leave my little one in a hotel with a nanny for 4 hours whilst we go to an event- and I'm so nervous. He'll be 4 months and I'll be 10 mins car ride away.

It's bonkers that you considered this. But I do feel for you as at the time you got too excited and agreed. Now you have to tell your husband and G/parents that you can't do it. It tough.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 17/09/2022 10:48

There’s no way I’d leave a 5 month old for four nights, let alone with someone the child doesn’t know. That’s awful.

Belladonnamama · 17/09/2022 10:50

Your baby is only 5 months and you and your DH really need this time together, seriously!!!! My DC were 10,8 and 6 before myself and DH got away together for three days.

movintothecountry · 17/09/2022 10:59

Not sure if this has already been suggested but can you not add baby to the holiday abroad? It wont be the child free break your husband envisioned but they are free on flights at that age and it will still be a change for you both away from the usual hum drum?

Quartz2208 · 17/09/2022 11:05

@haych5 it is very telling that everyone agrees with you.

on threads about leaving babies it is often split because the suggestions are much more sensible - one or two nights, very familiar grandparent, very familiar space

the fact that everyone is as one is because it was an insane idea

peanutbuttertoasty · 17/09/2022 11:08

Agree with others about leaving him.

Why not go on the trip and take baby with you? You can still go for nice dinners etc whilst he sleeps in pram. Also have a 5 month old and doing that right now, it's great

trrk · 17/09/2022 11:34

You’ve made the right decision not to go. Your DH is being an arsehole and needs a reality check about what being a parent means. Taking the baby with you is a good idea - it might go great and you all get a change of scene and if it doesn’t your DH will get a reality check. Maybe book a UK trip together with the grandparents and have them look after the baby for short periods of time while the two of you do something together. Build up to more time if it goes well and you are still nearby to step in. You should also assess how good they are with baby care and safety before leaving baby with them for too long as it’s been a long time since their children were small.

I’ve just had a baby and don’t have any family support in the same country so I know how hard it is but you just have to accept that your life is different now. You can’t enjoy carefree couples holidays for now but you can make new memories as a family of three. We used to love travelling and hoping it will still be great with our DD even if we might have to adjust the way we travel a bit.

Calphurnia88 · 17/09/2022 12:09

You've done the right thing OP.

We recently cancelled a one night stay in the UK because of a terrible practice run one evening. 6mo DS wouldn't settle for GPs, which descended into an almighty meltdown that only stopped when I held him, and even though we cancelled our evening he was unsettled for the rest of the night.

We've since attempted an afternoon with GPs but again DS wouldn't settle and we came home to an inconsolable baby who hadn't slept in 6 hours but was fighting sleep with every last bit of energy he had left. It was awful, he fell asleep in DHs arms but woke up screaming 45 mins later.

We're going to keep working on daytimes with GPs but overnights are a hard no for the foreseeable, and GPs are totally with us on this now they've seen how difficult it is to settle him. I can't even fathom how they would navigate a night wake (shudder).

Your DH needs a HUGE reality check. How involved is he in the parenting of your child, out of interest?

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