Leaving 5 month old with grandparents for 4 nights

[haych5]

My DH’s mum and dad live 7 hours away so have only met our DS once when he was a couple of weeks old. They have offered to take care of our DS for four nights as they are having a break two hours away so we can go away and they get the opportunity to spend quality time with DS which is really lovely of them. I do trust them and they are fantastic with their other grandkids.

my DH jumped at the chance as we don’t have any other help, and booked a holiday to Europe for us.

I was initially excited about it and the idea of quality time with DH but now it’s coming up very soon I’m now very very anxious about leaving him and feeling a bit sick about it. He’s only met them once. We are spending the day with his parents before we go but then we are leaving DS with them at a hotel they’re staying at.

my worries are
he’s only met them once
he will be staying somewhere he doesn’t know
I won’t be there to calm him if he gets upset, he’s quite a fussy baby.

will he think we’ve abandoned him? My DH thinks I’m being ridiculous but I can’t stop worrying now.

what can I do to make sure he’s going to be okay? Or should I cancel - which risks pissing off DH and his parents.

I’m going to cancel. I can’t do it.

i left Dd at that age with my DM who she didn’t know (lives abroad) for what was meant to be a couple of hours to relax at the beach. She cried and DM couldn’t settle her so we came back after an hour.

I left DS at a similar age with DF and DSM while we went to dinner for a couple of hours. He cried, they couldn’t settle him and we came home before dessert.

What will you do if you’re abroad and they can’t settle him?

Sorry, I couldn’t leave a little baby and be so far away.

It’s not that you’re being a bit wierd and can’t do it. It’s a genuinely terrible, awful, distressing few days to put your baby through. Show them this thread.

No way on Earth I would do this. How well do you know them as they live so far away? When did they last have sole care of a very young baby?

It’s mad. And who gives a shit about offending them if you’ve changed your mind?

Someone’s got to do right by your new baby. Do not leave the country leaving him with two strangers.

Yes, agree with this generally

Not in a month of Sundays. DS is 15m and has only met his GPs 4 times and I wouldn't let him stay with them now because he doesn't know them. I'm desperate for a break - we have no family support so haven't even been for a meal out let alone overnight but I couldn't do it when I know he doesn't know them.

I'm holding my 5 month old now for his second feed of the night. Absolutely no way would I do what you're planning.

My parents have met and spent time with my baby several times and he's really content and happy with them and I still wouldn't do this.

A day trip/ maybe a night in a hotel in uk not far sure I'd do that but I definitely would not leave my baby for 4 nights abroad with people he doesn't know! I'm sorry but he'll likely really struggle without you and I don't think you'll be able to relax.

God no, I wouldn’t have even considered 1 night.
He doesn’t know them and will think he’s been abandoned, he won’t understand you are coming back.

Also id be asking DH to gain some understanding around secure attachment/consistency and the primary caregiver role.

Yes it's hard not having a break from a baby, but it was a choice to have them (presumably) so it's just life for a while.

Hope you can find a compromise, could you have a break near them and they spend time with baby, building up over the break?

It's awkward to cancel but I agree it's the right thing to do, babies are need their mothers. 4 nights at 5 months is too much.

When mine was 6m we were just coming out of lockdown and so baby had also only met my ILs once before when tiny newborn. Baby did not respond well to GPs at all! It took 2 weeks of very regular visits at 6mo before baby would entertain a GP cuddle without tears. No way I'd be leaving a 5mo baby old with strangers overnight for 4 nights while I jetted off miles away.

I think you're sensible for cancelling.

Not only would I not do it my DH wouldn’t do it either. You have had a considerable lifetime to be an adult and enjoy weekend breaks away and now is the time to put your child’s needs ahead of your own. I know you’re not being casual about it OP but it seems the people around you are!!!!

How old are the grandparents out of interest? (Bad idea full stop but wondering if they know what they would be taking on if they haven’t done it for some time.)

I couldn’t. It’s too much too soon. It’s kind of grandparents to offer but I can’t see how any of you will enjoy the experience.

No way on this earth. You could all stay in their hotel and they could babysit for a couple of hours a day, you could have dinner alone, cinema etc.

I wouldn’t be able to personally.
I would be worried about safe sleep- when was the last time they looked after a 5 month old overnight?

do they know the current safe sleep guidelines.
i wouldn’t be able to relax at all.

could they come on Holiday with you to help?

Even reading this makes me feel anxious. Have they even ever been sole carers to a young baby overnight, let alone 4 nights! Your dc is the most precious thing in the world.

I don't think I could have done this, I found it difficult to have an evening away at that age without worrying and constant updates, but on the other hand the baby would probably quickly acclimatise. My sister had to go into hospital for an operation with a young baby at a similar age and we took care of her little girl for her. It was a nightmare the first few hours as she was solely breastfed and now needed to take a bottle but when she was hungry enough she did and then with lots of cuddles she calmed right down.

I am a complete idiot to agreeing in the first place. My husband was just so excited that we could go away and I’ve been exhausted and I just agreed without thinking. No excuse though. It’s not fair to our little one at all.

i know I’m going to cause a rift now but I just can’t do it. Thinking of showing this thread to DH as he doesn’t see the issue.

I would never do this with such a young baby except in an absolute emergency situation.

How is your husband ok with it though. I know it's his parents but really, to DS they're strangers. How is he happy to waltz off for 4 nights...?

@haych5 I think you're doing the right thing cancelling. I know it's not the same, but could you book into the same hotel as them and spend some time together, then let them spend time alone with him?

part of what I do, for work, is emergency childcare. It's more difficult when I'm not in the baby's home or my own. Hotels are shite. Baby's always settle with me & they're fine,, however I'd never choose to do it with my own (different if you have to go into hospital etc)& there's no way I could leave them and go on holiday. Not at 5 months, with people they don't know, in an unfamiliar environment.

A bit hypocritical I know.

Absolutely no way I could have done this. I couldn't do it now and my DS has just turned 2. He's a little baby that needs his mum, not strangers. Sorry to be harsh but this is crazy. He's your priority not a holiday.

It would be fine if the baby knew them, but as he doesn’t it’s rather long.

One option is they come and stay for a week beforehand so he gets to know them. (Could you stand that?!)

Or alternative they come and stay for a couple of days beforehand and you reduce it to 2 nights.

A break for an evening, a night even, but I don’t think you ‘need’ 4 nights away in another country. It’s hard at this point and it does really feel like everything familiar is so far away, is there something nearer home perhaps? I hope you’ll be supported in your decision, OP