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Original poster

Leaving 5 month old with grandparents for 4 nights

140 replies

haych5 · 16/09/2022 22:25

My DH’s mum and dad live 7 hours away so have only met our DS once when he was a couple of weeks old. They have offered to take care of our DS for four nights as they are having a break two hours away so we can go away and they get the opportunity to spend quality time with DS which is really lovely of them. I do trust them and they are fantastic with their other grandkids.

my DH jumped at the chance as we don’t have any other help, and booked a holiday to Europe for us.

I was initially excited about it and the idea of quality time with DH but now it’s coming up very soon I’m now very very anxious about leaving him and feeling a bit sick about it. He’s only met them once. We are spending the day with his parents before we go but then we are leaving DS with them at a hotel they’re staying at.

my worries are
he’s only met them once
he will be staying somewhere he doesn’t know
I won’t be there to calm him if he gets upset, he’s quite a fussy baby.

will he think we’ve abandoned him? My DH thinks I’m being ridiculous but I can’t stop worrying now.

what can I do to make sure he’s going to be okay? Or should I cancel - which risks pissing off DH and his parents.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 17/09/2022 00:11

Your baby would be absolutely fine
You trust them
However for you
Much better to build up to it , start with an afternoon while they near by
Build to day, then night.
When that goes well book two nights away then three then four

Mamai90 · 17/09/2022 00:12

Sorry OP, I just couldn't do this. It's for too long and the baby doesn't know them at all. And if you're feeling sick about it already I doubt you'll enjoy yourself.

BigYellowElephant · 17/09/2022 00:13

Is this real? The idea gives me the horrors for your baby. Absolute madness no wonder you feel stressed

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Julia234 · 17/09/2022 00:20

Another no from me. A friend of mine is doing a child development degree and I asked to borrow one of her books a while ago. I came across attachment and how leaving a child for more than around 2 days can have an affect on attachment in under 2s as they think you have left them due to something they have done and do not understand that you will be coming back. It makes you unavailable which can have a temporary disruption on attachment.

If you leave them for 5 days or more before the age of 2, the affects can still be seen at age 7! They found the children to be more aggressive and less able to regulate their emotions.

honestly op, I k ow your husband is excited but the realities of having a young child is putting them first for a while, he'll just have to get on with it. Wait another 18 months or so and then go and enjoy yourselves whilst knowing your child will be much happier and settled.

Coyoacan · 17/09/2022 00:24

I'm glad you've changed your mind OP

OakTreex · 17/09/2022 00:37

That's a no from me. I don't think it would be fair to anyone involved, least of all your little one who might feel distressed.

I've never been a night without my 2yo personally Blush but think it would be okay to leave a 5mo for maybe one or two nights but only with a caregiver they're really accustomed to and in their own or familiar surroundings.

Totally appreciate the need for a break though of course!

MaChienEstUnDick · 17/09/2022 00:50

Appreciate I'm late to the thread but is there not a compromise? Couldn't your IL's come to your house for a couple of nights and look after the baby and you have their hotel room?

That way you and DH get a bit of a break, ILs get some time with the baby in the baby's familiar environment (and tiny babies in hotels are no fun, they come with so much stuff...)

No-one goes to Europe, everyone is happy?

AlwaysLatte · 17/09/2022 00:54

I definitely wouldn't. We took our baby with us on trips. And he knew his grandparents!

Allschoolsareartschools · 17/09/2022 00:56

It's a bit sad your dh was so keen to go away without your baby. A break should be a little holiday for the 3 of you now. You're a family & it's lovely that gps want to look after him but definitely not yet or for that long.

Ladybyrd · 17/09/2022 01:00

One night, or two nights? Perhaps. Four nights I think is pushing it. Not from your child's point of view, by the way. From yours. I think you already know you're struggling with the idea, so I think you need to put the brakes on.

Blackmetalmama · 17/09/2022 01:12

Sorry OP but this is crazy, I'm glad you're going to cancel. Your poor baby no doubt be sobbing his heart out and having no idea what was going on while you snd your DH are relaxing on your trip. I have a 6 month old and couldnt even imagine leaving him for his long, and especially with strangers (to him).

Holidays will come later, and they will be more enjoyable without the worry.

Cameleongirl · 17/09/2022 01:13

Allschoolsareartschools · 17/09/2022 00:56

It's a bit sad your dh was so keen to go away without your baby. A break should be a little holiday for the 3 of you now. You're a family & it's lovely that gps want to look after him but definitely not yet or for that long.

Well, it's also rather nice that he wants to spend time alone with his wife. But this is far too soon for four nights away!

Dh and I OTOH have teenagers and we're thoroughly looking forward to one night away! 😀

Daydreamsinsantafe · 17/09/2022 01:28

I’m glad everyone agrees on this.

My baby watched me like a hawk at that age and would have been hysterical left with someone else for four hours let alone four days. It would be traumatising for your baby.
It’s made me anxious just to read.

for what it’s worth my DH would never do this either. We’ve never left any of the children as babies or toddlers.

Youve done the right thing to cancel.

Original poster
haych5 · 17/09/2022 01:46

Thanks for all your replies. Just a brief update- My DH wasn’t happy at all, he said he is still going to go but without me. Lol… No compromise. Oh well.

We are telling his parents tomorrow and will discuss alternative plans for them to have some quality time with DS.

Feeling crap that he doesn’t see my pov now but what can I do. Lesson learnt

OP posts:
Adultchildofelderlyparents · 17/09/2022 01:53

Being left with new people (he obviously won't remember meeting them before) and new surroundings is too much at that age. A better solution would be for the grandparents to stay at your house so that the baby is in familiar surroundings. Then I think I'd manage three nights - a long weekend.

Fiiiivegoldenrings · 17/09/2022 01:55

I'm not sure how they'd prepare milk/sterilise bottles in a hotel room? I certainly never use the kettles in them after reading what some people do with them but surely they'd need a fridge at least which a lot of rooms don't have. There's no way I'd have left my children as babies for the best part of a week, especially with people who'd never had them before. It'd be distressing all round if the baby can't be settled by them overnight and I'd worry about them doing things I wouldn't do myself with safe sleeping etc.

LemonSwan · 17/09/2022 01:58

Haha think you have done them a favour. My MIL has been going on about sleepovers, breaks etc.

Went to tgi for 3 hours and she looked traumatised by the time we got back 🤣

miltonj · 17/09/2022 02:05

You're feeling sick and anxious for a reason! You're meant to be with your 5 month old. That's your amygdaloid working!! No judgment At all by the way, it's easy to think you'll feel fine in principle until you're faced with it.
What I would do if you really need a break, is arrange a holiday with in-laws and they can have your baby over night a couple of times so you and husband can have some alone time.

pitterypattery00 · 17/09/2022 02:22

I'd have found 4 nights in a hotel with my 5mth old stressful never mind a baby I don't know.i can't believe your in-laws have even suggested this.

I get where you're coming from in needing a break OP, believe me (lockdown baby, family hundreds of miles away). We recently went on holiday with my parents and our 2.5 year old for a week (in UK). Me and partner had two dinners out on our own, felt like such a treat. And my parents sometimes took our child to the playground etc.during the day. But otherwise we've not had any breaks and I think that's just the way it is for many couples who don't live near family.

Ylvamoon · 17/09/2022 02:36

It's a no from me as well. Babies that young need their mothers.

But it's a lovely thought to know that they offered to look after your baby for 4 nights.

This is my comfi zone timlline for leaving DC's:
We left DD for a 3 night city break when she was 3 (nearly 4). I always remember us arriving at the hotel and feeling a bit lost... DD only had the odd night here and there away from us up to this point.

The next time we left the DC for more than a night was when DS was 7...
I only started having 4-6 nights away since DS is 9. My family lives abroad and it's lovely to go and see them & my friends without DC who get bored. (We sadly have no DC their ages in the family.)
But before that, I would take them with me without fail.
This is the reality of having DC. Your DH better gets used to it.

mackthepony · 17/09/2022 02:45

Fine, let him go alone

Your in-laws must be slightly crazy tbh, they've obviously not spent much time around tiny children!

Limpshade · 17/09/2022 03:07

Of course they have spent time around babies, how else would OP's DH exist?!

Seriously though, unless they paid for the holiday themselves they really don't have grounds to be annoyed. They'll still get plenty of time with their DGC but crucially, they'll be able to hand them back at bedtime Wink

marvellousmaple · 17/09/2022 03:16

The problem is the hotel room. Too small and awkward and nobody is relaxed. If bub cries your parents will stress etc.
I left my 9 month old with my parents ( at their house) for 8 days and went on a holiday. I am clearly a terrible parent. He's 28 now and seems to have forgiven me!

Pollywoddles · 17/09/2022 03:38

I’m another in the no camp so I’m glad you’ve changed your mind. I’m up feeding my 6 month old, I couldn’t even think about voluntarily leaving her for 4 nights let alone with almost total strangers to her and I think it’s weird they’ve offered tbh.

I was going to say why don’t you keep the trip to Europe but bring baby and then arrange something else with the DGPs, maybe they could watch the baby while you go out for a meal, build it up slowly. However, your husband is a dick for reacting how he has, I wouldn’t go anywhere with him after that little performance.

monkeyfun · 17/09/2022 03:55

As hard as it was, I think you've made the right decision. Going away for a few nights probably wouldn't be so bad if your baby already had an established relationship with those who are going to look after him. But it did seem a lot to think your baby doesn't know them and would be staying in a hotel and for 4 days. All of that combined would likely be unsettling for him.
It's a shame your husband doesn't see your view at all and is still going without you. Maybe over time they can build a relationship so it'll be easier to go away in the future.

I'm sorry you're not getting to go away.