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Original poster

Leaving 5 month old with grandparents for 4 nights

140 replies

haych5 · 16/09/2022 22:25

My DH’s mum and dad live 7 hours away so have only met our DS once when he was a couple of weeks old. They have offered to take care of our DS for four nights as they are having a break two hours away so we can go away and they get the opportunity to spend quality time with DS which is really lovely of them. I do trust them and they are fantastic with their other grandkids.

my DH jumped at the chance as we don’t have any other help, and booked a holiday to Europe for us.

I was initially excited about it and the idea of quality time with DH but now it’s coming up very soon I’m now very very anxious about leaving him and feeling a bit sick about it. He’s only met them once. We are spending the day with his parents before we go but then we are leaving DS with them at a hotel they’re staying at.

my worries are
he’s only met them once
he will be staying somewhere he doesn’t know
I won’t be there to calm him if he gets upset, he’s quite a fussy baby.

will he think we’ve abandoned him? My DH thinks I’m being ridiculous but I can’t stop worrying now.

what can I do to make sure he’s going to be okay? Or should I cancel - which risks pissing off DH and his parents.

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 16/09/2022 23:01

I wouldn't.

I wonder if your PILs have slightly forgotten how little five months old is?

JennyForeigner · 16/09/2022 23:03

Fuck no. Absolutely not. You will never forgive your husband or in-laws, because it just isn't kind or reasonable. Don't do it.

If your husband needs a break that badly he can go on his own, then you can have some time on your own - but a tiny baby stays with a face, a presence and ideally a place they are familiar with.

twofojoy · 16/09/2022 23:06

No way. I wouldn't even do this with toddler DDs.

Think your gut is right OP. I would cancel or take baby with you. I'd maybe consider 2 full days and 1 night at a push.

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Mythreefavouritethings · 16/09/2022 23:06

haych5 · 16/09/2022 22:56

I am a complete idiot to agreeing in the first place. My husband was just so excited that we could go away and I’ve been exhausted and I just agreed without thinking. No excuse though. It’s not fair to our little one at all.

i know I’m going to cause a rift now but I just can’t do it. Thinking of showing this thread to DH as he doesn’t see the issue.

You’re definitely not an idiot. Tired, yes, and my God, if someone was suggesting a holiday, there are moments I may have been sorely tempted, but the reality is very different. And you know that as you’re here. And no judgement from me, stand your ground there. Hope all is ok 💐

21secondstogo · 16/09/2022 23:06

The other thing is, how is a hotel room an appropriate environment for a small baby with grandparents? It can be hard going in a hotel as an adult without all your ‘stuff.’

Bookishnerd · 16/09/2022 23:10

Well done for cancelling OP.

Your gut told you not to, so listen to it. And so what if someone’s nose gets put out of joint? Your baby comes first.

The fact that you even considered it, however briefly, suggests you need a bit of a break. Can your DH spend some time with DC and grandparents while you go and have a nap/bath/massage/sleep?

An hour off can be so restorative

Thesearmsofmine · 16/09/2022 23:12

Cancelling is the right thing. Leaving such a small baby with (to him) strangers in a (to him) strange place for such a long time is cruel. How would he possibly know what is going on and that his main caregivers haven’t just left him.

Riseabove · 16/09/2022 23:16

Hope your DH understands and no rift occurs. You’re right to cancel x

Bellybutton88 · 16/09/2022 23:20

Hi OP when my daughter was 4 months old I left her and my older son (2 at the time) with grandparents to go on holiday in Dubai for 8 days! I worried about them both but they were absolutely fine. I don't regret going at all as I have not been away with just my husband ever since. They are now 7 and 5 and my husband I would love to jump at the opportunity again :)
Your baby will be fine - your not leaving them with strangers your leaving them grandparents! Even if they've only met once, can you not see them more before you go? You said they are good with other grandkids so if you trust them then i will encourage you to relax and go.

bloodyunicorns · 16/09/2022 23:23

No. They've only met him once! He needs you. What if they can't comfort him? That's far too long for strangers - to him - to be looking after him. Maybe try one night... but I'd leave him with them in the day first.

bloodyunicorns · 16/09/2022 23:24

Sorry, op, don't read your last message. I think you've done the right thing.

AxolotlEars · 16/09/2022 23:25

Another no here. There is time for that when your baby is older. I expect that it would leave a baby very confused as to where you were and who the Hell is there! It doesn't mean that you can't re-engage or repair the relationship but it's not something I would do and I am virtually horizontal about many things. I have 6 children. It's generous and lovely to offer. It's also totally legitimate to not be ready, as a mum. It's also totally legitimate for your child to not be ready or to ever be ready to do that. Some of mine would never be happy with sleepovers no matter who it was.

Derbee · 16/09/2022 23:28

God, I hope you really do cancel. I have a 5 month old currently asleep on my lap, and just imagining doing that to him has made me feel like crying. Awful idea, and I hope you’ve seen sense now 🙁

Summerfun54321 · 16/09/2022 23:29

Even a 5 year old would find this difficult let alone a 5 month old. You can’t put your kids in a brand new environment then abandon them there for days without causing them a huge amount of stress.

washingbasketqueen · 16/09/2022 23:29

I'm fairly laid back but I wouldn't have done this with such a young dc given they've only met your dc once. Is there a chance for them to spend time with dc before? And could they stay at yours so dc is in familiar environment?
I totally understand the need for couple time but I think I'd cancel and have in laws to stay and maybe try and use them as babysitters and book a few nice days/ nights out together.

LdnReno · 16/09/2022 23:31

Terrible idea. Poor child. Really?

ChickinMarango · 16/09/2022 23:31

I’m very easy going with my little one, everyone has their own boundaries, there are mums who would be fine with this, but I don’t think you’re ready for it OP, nowhere near.

Can you go see them for the day and leave him with them for one night and just have a night at home together? Or maybe a hotel near where the in laws are staying?

My boundary is that at least one parent has to be within two hours of the children, just in case anything happens. We were going away together the two of us and DH is annoyed I’ve somewhat limited his options. 😂

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 16/09/2022 23:36

My baby is 10 months. She has overnight stays with her grandparents but she’s never away from us for more than 24hrs at a time. That’s just my boundary and I don’t want to go over it. I don’t think this plan is the end of the world by any stretch ad suspect your baby would adapt more easily than he’s being given credit for, but I personally wouldn’t leave my baby with grandparents she knows for more than one night so four just wouldn’t happen for us.

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 16/09/2022 23:45

Disclaimer- haven't read full thread because the original post gave me my answer -

Absolutely not. No way.

I have a 6 month old and I could not possibly be away from him for that long (personally not even more than a couple of hours) I totally understand some people are happy earlier to leave their babies but 5 months 4 days with someone they have met once - no way

I would not and could not even consider that.

And I would secretly judge anyone who did

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 16/09/2022 23:47

I had to be away from my 3 year old for 4 nights when DS2 was born and he was with my mum who he sees weekly and it absolutely broke my heart and he was incredibly distressed.

NicLondon1 · 16/09/2022 23:52

Perhaps you could go to stay in their hotel too, so they can get to know him and even babysit one evening for you to have a short break..?

Cameleongirl · 16/09/2022 23:58

NicLondon1 · 16/09/2022 23:52

Perhaps you could go to stay in their hotel too, so they can get to know him and even babysit one evening for you to have a short break..?

I agree that some like this ^^ would be a good compromise. It's great that they've offered to look after your DS and it's definitely good for you and your DH to have some time together. An evening out would be ideal.

sandgrown · 16/09/2022 23:59

When my children were small you only got 16 weeks maternity leave so they then had to go to nursery and be looked after by “strangers” . When my youngest was 8 months I went to the USA for 2 weeks leaving them with grandparents and they were absolutely fine . I now have grandchildren that I have cared for to allow their parents time away . I am more cautious than I ever was with my own children. Your baby will be fine though I appreciate you will worry and feel guilty.

amc8583 · 17/09/2022 00:01

My DD is 18 weeks old and there is no way I would leave her at this stage of her life. They are just too small, teamed up with the fact he will be with people who are strangers to him in a place which he doesn't know. It all sounds like too much.

Also, at that small age, they are hard hard work, round the clock often and that's a huge responsibility on your inlaws.

A holiday is meant to be relaxing and enjoyable. I really doubt you will be able to relax at all

SarahAndQuack · 17/09/2022 00:03

sandgrown · 16/09/2022 23:59

When my children were small you only got 16 weeks maternity leave so they then had to go to nursery and be looked after by “strangers” . When my youngest was 8 months I went to the USA for 2 weeks leaving them with grandparents and they were absolutely fine . I now have grandchildren that I have cared for to allow their parents time away . I am more cautious than I ever was with my own children. Your baby will be fine though I appreciate you will worry and feel guilty.

All parents do things they'd rather not because the situation demands it - but the OP isn't asking about that. She doesn't have to let her newborn be apart from her for four nights. So why should she? Isn't it sensible for her to avoid worrying and feeling guilty if she sensible can?