Do you think it's luck your child's father is around

[vroom321]

Is it luck, money, circumstance or is it down to the woman choosing wisely?

No one can 100% know how good a father can be until the child arrives can they?

I've read the thread about other men taking on kids as their own as the bio dad isn't around and it made me think.

No. We made a commitment before they came along, and he’s stuck with it.

All of those things, but primarily choosing wisely.

But DH made it clear he really wanted children, and his ‘references’ and life decisions until that point supported that he was a decent person who stuck to his promises. I knew that even if we split he would take on equal parenting responsibility and that he would want to do this. DD is 3 and he’s lived up to my expectations, now expecting DC2.

It does exasperate me to read the ‘been together 6 months, had our ups and downs, now I’m pregnant and he says he doesn’t want it’ type threads. I mean what did you expect?!

I bet most men say they will stick around though no?

It’s about looking at their history and form though isn’t it? Do they have a steady job? Steady friends? Do they chop and change girlfriends every 5 minutes? How do they handle disagreements? Do they have full responsibility for themselves - their own accommodation, pay their own way, not living with parents etc? There’s a lot to go on if you wait long enough before getting pregnant.

I'm sure much of life is down to luck- however with feckless fathers there's usually signs, even if indirect signals, that should raise alarm bells.

bet most men say they will stick around though no?

Marrying you first is a pretty good, but not foolproof, indicator that he'll stick around.

No marriage = no credible commitment = no babies.

I think a lot of women miss red flags that their partners would not make good fathers. Selfish and lazy behaviour before the DC which women presume will change dramatically overnight when the baby arrives. In hindsight, a lot of the time the warning flags were there.

My neighbour had a baby with a man who walked out on his daughter when she was a baby. My neighbour was then surprised when her partner did the same to her. He was a cheeky entitled fucker towards us neighbours so I can only presume he was the same with her at home.

Nope, I picked a kind decent man to be the father of my children. We're no longer together but he's still my best friend and a great dad.

There seem to be a huge number of absolutes arseholes out there but I do question why a woman would decide to have a child with a man who can't hold down a job, drinks excessively, leers at other woman, treats her badly, etc etc...

To a certain extent you make your own luck.

I think mine is purely look. I have quite a few mental health issues. Both kids were planned but looking back I think what the hell was I thinking.

My DH said he absolutely wanted children and couldn't imagine life without them.
That and wanting to marry me, buy a house and having a steady job was a strong indication he'd stick around.

His parents were also very enthusiastic about becoming grandparents and I think they would have had strong words if he hadn't have taken responsibility for his DC.

love it!!!

I can say the same with mine 😂

Absolutely.
As a woman you can do your best to choose wisely, get married be in a stable relationship but you can't account for someone deciding parenthood isn't for them, or cancer getting in the way of your plans.

Far too many women choose very, very poorly. Their partners are shit from the beginning, yet they can't believe it when a baby comes and he checks out. Very, very rarely does a shit man not display serious red flags before a baby is even in the picture. Sadly, these flags are ignored.

I think I was lucky to meet him. But we had been together more than 10 years before trying for a baby and I had no doubt at all that he’d be a brilliant father.

I don’t think luck is a big factor. For me, There was a long vetting process for selecting the father of my child. After knowing him for multiple years, living with him and experiencing life’s ups and downs, and forming a legal contract with him, only then did we begin the attempts at conceiving a child.

Bit of everything, I think.

I do think the choices that we make are important. Some men have much stronger family values than others, and they are committed to looking after their kids from the outset.

It would be stupid to suggest that luck doesn't play a part as well though. People sometimes change. They get sick and die. Or they develop mental health problems etc.

Nobody can guarantee that the father of their kids will be around to help raise them. They can only optimise the chances of that happening.

There wasn’t any question in my mind that he would be and I do credit myself with not settling when it came to picking a good man.

We were also married, had bought a house and had a 4 year fertility journey. I never felt alone, I always knew he would be 100% committed to being a good husband and father, that’s how he is as a person.

In previous relationships I had the opportunity to get married and have children and when it came to it I didn’t because I knew that they were poor choices to do either of those things with.

Luck. We were not in a relationship when we conceived dc1. Nobody is more surprised than me that we are still going strong nearly 13 years on!

No one can be sure of circumstances but there should be more of an emphasis on choosing wisely.
Being married or together for while. Not having any doubts due to behaviour or history.
Showing that he handles responsibility well, including towards work.
Wanting a happy relationship and puts effort into it.

A solid friendship before we became a couple allowed me to see who he really is. His father left him too and he always maintained he wouldn't ever do that to any kid of his own. Marriage before conceiving etc

I chose very wisely, in the early stages of our relationship I noticed how close he was with his family and his very strong sense of responsibility to his nieces and nephews and god children and how his family operated. That said I do believe you don't really know how you will react to parenthood so there's always a risk.

Chose carefully. I can't remember who said it but I think it was sheryl Sandburg. She said the most important career decision a woman makes is who to have children with.

I don't think it's much do with luck. some women on mumsnet have very very poor taste in men and also seem to be completely socially unaware of their own upbringing and shortcomings and then go on to choose men who aren't reliable or don't pull their weight and then suddenly question why.

Yes occasionally certain circumstances may occur your husband may suddenly have mental health problems having not shown any sign before or God forbid your partner could pass away and then you would be left single but those are not the general things we're talking about in this particular situation.

There are plenty of women who do recognise good qualities in men and stick with them through good times and bad in a good marriage. How do you think those women do that? What made them choose their partner so wisely?

Op 5% of Children in the UK are bereaved of a parent before they are 16.

A know 3 widows with 8 kids between them left to raise those kids alone due to cancer. Luck has nothing to do with it.

There's some luck involved for sure, but I do think some couples rush into having a baby too fast.