Do you think it's luck your child's father is around

[vroom321]

Is it luck, money, circumstance or is it down to the woman choosing wisely?

No one can 100% know how good a father can be until the child arrives can they?

I've read the thread about other men taking on kids as their own as the bio dad isn't around and it made me think.

Yes, my eldest is 12 and in the group of online parent friends I made (there’s around 60 of us) 6 of the dc have lost either their mother or father, 3 fathers and 2 mothers(one had twins).

Always a bit of luck but I must admit I looked at his life carefully before committing. He had no other children and neither did I but if he was a deadbeat dad it would have put me off completely. His parents and siblings were all (and still are 30 years later) married to their first spouses. He had a great relationship with them all, treated women as equals and wanted marriage before children.
He could have his head turned tomorrow but we've been married for almost thirty years and I can't fault him as a life partner. We've been to hell and back together with my health.
I see so many red flags ignored in relationships in the first couple of years. The main ones for me are how a man treats their family, exes and workers in shops, restaurants, etc. Respect goes a long way.

I think there are a few factors. Choosing a reliable and loyal partner who demonstrates the same values as you is part of it. I think even looking at their family and what kind of family set up and values they had growing up plays a part. Then when it comes to kids, I think not rushing into having them before you truly 'know' a partner is wise and also both of you wanting to embark on parenthood is important too. As for luck, I wouldn't say it's blind luck, as in flip a coin, heads or tails. You can't ever guarantee someone will do 'the right thing' in marriage or parenthood, but I think there are factors that mean you can increase your chances of it happening.

No, it's not luck. It was me setting high standards and solid boundaries and him doing the same so that by the time we made big commitments to each other we were sure it was the right relationship. And since then, it's been putting in the work to make sure that no matter how stressful life gets, our relationship doesn't suffer.

Can't say for certain, but I was with DH 10 years before having children. I was pretty sure (you can never be 100% right?) that he would be a good dad and stick around.

I was the result of two 19 years old having unprotected sex. One wasn't around when I turned 18 months old and the other spent every weekend partying so I was mainly raised by my grans. That influenced me in wanting to make sure the man I was with would be a good dad and stick around.

It's perhaps both but I think if you asked a forum of men then maybe the answer would be different?

All I can say is - with STBEXH 17 years, married for 10 thought i "knew" him and had made a fairly decent choice TBH. Great father to our eldest who was a planned baby - not a perfect marriage by far but what I would consider "normal".

Several rounds of IVF and had twins so could hardly argue they weren't planned....STBEXH falls apart a year later - declares no longer wants family life and left very very abruptly

My experience tell me That some men are only cut out to parent one child

I've noticed that on here a lot. When the second (and third) come along a lot of men do a 180.

@vroom321

I think when you have 1 the mother is generally doing most of the parenting and maybe cushions the father from the reality of it. It's easy i think being a family of 3 (looking back now anyway) As soon as you have another child then the dad has to step up more and in my case that's when his resentment started

not luck.

leaving aside when you lose a parent due to accident or illness, which of course no-one can predict

If you want the father to stay around then there are some basics. I see so many stories on here that don't follow these and then are surprised when it goes wrong.

1. no rush. I didn't meet dh til I was 32. I dated many and had long term relationships but he was the first that I knew was good enough to settle with
2. be picky. Don't settle for a man that is a manchild etc. Better to be alone than to be with the wrong one.
3. What do your family and friends think? They know you. You should listen to them
4. What is this man like in the rest of his life? My dh regularly came with me to visit my Granny in a care home. Why? because he understood the value of family. Enough to give up his time and sit with an old lady. That tells you a lot about the sort of person he is.
5. first and foremost this is a relationship no a co-parenting thing. If you have a rock solid relationship, the parenting is likely to be easier
6. be honest and talk. If you have never talked about kids or parenting styles, then you are likely to get surprises
7. chose a nice guy. a fundamentlaly nice man. a decent bloke. I am not sure how else to put it. but I meet a lot of men who aren't
8. commit. OK not everyone wants marriage, but are you committed for the next 50 years?
9. again, don't rush. Be together for some time. Then once married, give it time. let your relationship settle and get some foundations. Build good habits. Do you share the load now? Have you got past the 'who cleans the loo' conversations? Are you cool about money/rent/career and so on.
10. plan kids. With modern contraception there is no need to ever get accidentally pregnant. Plan them when you are ready, and not until

dh and I have been together for 23 years. I have no doubt that if we split he would still be serious about being their parent. That is the sort of man he is.

There are obviously still times when it all goes belly up. No-one has a crystal ball, some men do reveal a complete other side and so on. I've seen it fall apart with 'rock solid' couples. But most of times I see a father give up on his kids it isn't exactly a surprise.

The other thing is I only had our 2nd child when I saw that DH was a good dad to our first. Otherwise, I would have stuck with a very manageable only child.

I bet most couples don’t even have the conversation, and if those that do all too few live together for 5+ years first to at least ensure that they are compatible.

Doing this is no guarantee that things will work out, but it makes it far more likely than having children before marriage with a man who you’ve only known for three or four years.

It's difficult. Having a family etc was always something me and my partner had discussed, as well as discussing our parenting styles, what we would and wouldn't stand for, how we think we'd be as parents. It meant that we very much went into having children on the same page. He's a great dad!
I know quite a few men who everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) presumed would be dreadful fathers. The majority of them turned out to be absolutely incredible fathers! Real, standout examples of what a dad should be imho.
On the other hand, i know men who've been in fully committed relationships, good jobs, want to have a baby etc, only to walk out on their pregnant father and never have anything at all to do with their children!
In fairness it's the same with some women I know. I've thought they'd be excellent mums but have ended up walking out on their kids etc.
I guess you never really know - you can just always check for the green and red flags!

My second sons dad was all for us having kids. Said he do everything and be hands on. It was very different once DS came along. He showed what a lazy f**ker he really is

There's some luck involved for sure, but I do think some couples rush into having a baby too fast.
I absolutely agree with this.^ A few of my friends were in this situation when they’ve rushed and it always ended up badly. For the fairness I know a couple who rushed but it turned out to be a really happy marriage. However the tiny red flags are usually always there it depends how you are looking at them.

I’m big brliever in marriage. As well as my husband. Because marriage its about commitment. Same like children. So marriage first then children. Its not 100% proof but at least they know what they getting into. I’m being married 10years have 2 kids with my husband and we still going strong

Luck does play a huge part, but not in the way you imply, as if every man has a roll of dice inside him that can go any way.

Being born into a stable loving family, the financial security to never feel desperate, good male role models, great support network who can tell you he's great/awful, feeling self worth...

These factors all contribute towards a woman developing good judgement and making good decisions and taking time to be sure of her decisions. It isn't 100% in any case, but it changes the odds to 95% likely to be a good dad from 95% chance he'll bugger off.

I don’t pick partners very well tbh, but I did pick a great dad for DD. I never had any doubts whatsoever that he’d be a good dad, and that hasn’t changed since we’ve been separated.

Past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour. Don't ignore red flags !

No, I married a kind, gentle, loyal man, and spent a few years getting to know him before marrying him and having children with him. Plus we've also worked on our relationship over the years, and we've taken care to look for solutions to problems when they occur.

I suppose meeting him in the first place was luck!

My husband already was a dad and I could see he had a good relationship with them. He asked me early on if I wanted kids (I was 39 when we met). We had two, then sadly he died suddenly when they were small.
He would have stuck with the kids no matter what would have eventually happened with us (obviously I think we'd still be together but you never know).

I don’t think you can know if someone will be a good father, but I think you can have a pretty good guess. Of course there is room for error. But for example if someone is a bit of a selfish prick in general, it stands to reason they won’t be a good parent surely? If someone is generally attentive and considerate, got their head screwed on properly and is basically a decent person to be in a relationship with and not an arsehole and you’ve had discussions about kids and parenting then I think assuming they’d be a good parent is a safe enough bet.
I have a family member who has had a baby with every man she has been in a relationship with - so four now. They were all quite obviously arseholes. So no surprise to anyone but her that they are now all absent or useless fathers. As someone said above some people just rush into things with partners they don’t really know that well. They, like my family member, have this bizarre notion that making a baby together is a peak relationship goal that needs to be achieved as quickly as possible.

Some luck, yes. Mine was of the unfortunate sort. Together eight years, engaged, moved overseas to work, save money and return to the UK. Planned pregnancy, after which he "changed his mind", tried to force a termination, moved out and has never paid a penny towards DD, or seen her at all since she was six (she is nearly 25). I don't think there were huge red flags - both professionals from similar backgrounds, he had friends from childhood and university and was generally liked. We'd chosen babies' names when talking hypothetically. So I don't think you can always tell.

There was luck with mine. Been together 30 years and got pregnant within 3 months to my first proper boyfriend.

I don't know what the hell I was thinking.

The only thing in my favour was I had rejected many offers because they gave red flags very early and I ran as soon as I saw them... but no, I was completely irresponsible and made a really stupid call and yet we are still together and happy.

I doubt we would have lasted a year if I hadn't got pregnant ironically (I was quite relationship adverse - wanted to be single all my life really). This sounds strange I know!

I think a lot of women rely on what their partners SAY and arent really focusing enough on what they actually DO.
'They've always wanted kids and talked a lot about what they'd do with them' 'their dad was never around so they say they dont want their kids to have an absent dad' but in real life they have to be prompted to do a single bit of housework, have never organised a weekend away or a holiday, leave things until the last minute cos they cant be arsed, still living at home and allowing mum to clean up after them, spending obscene amounts on drugs etc...

Was with DH ten years before having DC by which time yeah I knew he would be a good dad, I actually underestimated how good a father he would be.

One thing about him, I’ve never heard him moan that something was out of his control. You know the kind of man who thinks everything bad that happens to him is someone elses fault, his boss, his co-workers, his parents, me. He’s always taken responsibility for himself and has a sense of duty. Even if we split up I know he’d fight me for 50:50 custody. Also MIL would go apeshit if he tried to ditch DD (which he wouldn’t because his world revolves around her).

I think I was lucky to meet him tbh I also think kids are such an extraordinary pressure people don’t always know how they or a spouse will react. I surprised DH with the depth of PND and how much I regretted having a child. I would never ever have walked out on her though. Never. He knows that about me too.