Do you think it's luck your child's father is around

[vroom321]

Is it luck, money, circumstance or is it down to the woman choosing wisely?

No one can 100% know how good a father can be until the child arrives can they?

I've read the thread about other men taking on kids as their own as the bio dad isn't around and it made me think.

I don't consider it luck to be honest. We're together since we were 20, that's 13 years before having our baby. We're 100% commited to each other and there was never any doubt that he'd stick around.

I'm not smug. I think I was out of my mind to be honest.

It's choosing and luck. There are characteristics you can look for, but no guarantees that you will be right about them.

I had absolutely no idea what to look for before I had my first child, this is half the problem - I only really understood what qualities make a good father and what I wanted to look for in a co-parent after I was a parent.

However I would be lying if I said I had no clue at all that my ex would have been a less than ideal co-parent. I remember thinking when I was pregnant oh well, if it doesn't work out I'll be okay on my own. I have never thought that with my DH. I would be fine on my own, but I've never really considered it because I don't think he would go anywhere.

If I had to say what to look for now:

Someone who shares the day to day load of "life admin", housework, cooking and such.
Someone who looks out for you when you're ill or vulnerable
Someone you would trust to make a decision for you if you were unavailable
Someone who sees you as a true equal. Never puts you down, never minimises your concerns. Doesn't put themselves first all the time.
Someone who notices good qualities in you and highlights them
Somebody with patience
Somebody you can have a true discussion with, without feeling shut down, belittled, ignored.
Somebody you can arrange something with (like a holiday or wedding) and it feels like a shared endeavour - he has more input than just turning up.
Someone who has qualities you'd be proud of if your child emulated them.
Someone who is kind and compassionate.

If they fail on a single one of the points, don't have children with them.

DH would run into a burning building to save his friends and family or even a stranger.

He demonstrated this trait on many occasions before we had DS.

There isn't a cat in hells chance he would run from DS. Maybe he would give me a wide birth if we divorced but DS? No fucking way.

I don't think its got anything to do with luck.

I also think that even if we split up he'd be decent to DC and we'd somehow figure out the right thing for them, even if we couldn't stay together. Again, because of the same qualities.

Before I had kids I thought it was about things like do I really really really love him () and whether a bloke was good with kids or not. Honestly those things have fuck all to do with whether they are likely to consider children as people or consider other people's feelings at all.

Yes - you can split up and the man can still stick around.

I'm divorced but he's still around for his daughter. That's a combo of having chosen someone of decency, and of my working very very hard after divorce to overcome my feelings and encourage him to stay close to our DD.

My dc's father did not stick around ( since died) and this was not caused by my bad luck but rather my idiotic decision to marry and have children with him ( obvious glad I had dc). As an aside contrary to mumsnet wisdom, I would have been better off financially not marrying him.

If I had to say what to look for now:

Someone who shares the day to day load of "life admin", housework, cooking and such.
Someone who looks out for you when you're ill or vulnerable
Someone you would trust to make a decision for you if you were unavailable
Someone who sees you as a true equal. Never puts you down, never minimises your concerns. Doesn't put themselves first all the time.
Someone who notices good qualities in you and highlights them
Somebody with patience
Somebody you can have a true discussion with, without feeling shut down, belittled, ignored.
Somebody you can arrange something with (like a holiday or wedding) and it feels like a shared endeavour - he has more input than just turning up.
Someone who has qualities you'd be proud of if your child emulated them.
Someone who is kind and compassionate.

If they fail on a single one of the points, don't have children with them.

Ashamed to say my husband isn't any of these thus us why I know I messed up.

Meant to put that all in bold

Well what’s the difference in ‘broken family ratio’ between a 25 year old mum and a 31 year old mum?

Hop over to the active thread about the woman (35) pregnant by a 40 year old man who didn’t see himself having kids for ‘another few years’ and has now dumped OP because she’s pregnant. Women who wait may be ‘cautious’ but in my experience men who become dads very late in life are eternal children and commitment phobes.

I think it's luck.

I'm curious about all the people who say they chose wisely and picked somebody reliable.

I come from a broken home, changed careers, did a few of the things described here as red flags in a man.

What do you do if you're no perfect catch yourself? Hope desperately for a guy with poor judgement?

The societal expectations on women are different from those on men. Most women stick around and do their best to parent, regardless of their circumstances. Very few abandon their children altogether. On the whole, women don't view that as being an option open to them.

Around 30%

ifstudies.org/blog/want-to-avoid-divorce-wait-to-get-married-but-not-too-long

Will you answer my question now?

I think there is an element of chance in every aspect of our lives but we have some control too. DH and I are from very different backgrounds but have broadly similar beliefs and values which I think has contributed significantly to the longevity of our marriage. But I never even wanted children when we got married and we hadn't really discussed it so maybe it's luck that we turned out to be on the same page regarding parenting. But then perhaps it isn't that surprising at all given that we have very similar views on most big issues. Probably a bit of both.

Thank you. Maybe "chance was the word I was looking for"

Mine did even though we split when the children were 5 and 12.
We have co parented since. I hope successfully. I'm happy that I had my children with their dad - he's a great dad

Just to add as I've seen it mentioned a few times, I don't think marriage is the be all and end all of commitment. Me and my partner aren't married and our relationship is a thousand times more committed and stable than the vast majority of our married friends 😂