Do you think it's luck your child's father is around

[vroom321]

Is it luck, money, circumstance or is it down to the woman choosing wisely?

No one can 100% know how good a father can be until the child arrives can they?

I've read the thread about other men taking on kids as their own as the bio dad isn't around and it made me think.

And yeah I’ve never seen him shirk something because he doesn’t want to or because it’s boring or difficult. He does the right thing

I think the role of family influence and societal structures in different sections of society feeds into this.

My DH comes from a family where his father was around and worked hard to support them. He didn't play a huge role at home during the week as he worked long hours late into the evening, but he did do family stuff at weekends (and probably more than most fathers at the time). He saw his main role (and tbh still sees his role) as being to support his children, particularly materially and academically. It wasn't necessarily an equal set-up since DH's mother worked on and off part-time (and went full-time when the children were older) precisely so she could be there for the children. I think a large part of FIL's self-worth has always been tied up in supporting his children, not only materially but also in terms of being there in their lives. He is an excellent grandparent (in some ways better than DH is a parent) and sets an example to DH in terms of doing activities with, and being involved with, our DC that I think makes DH a better father. If DH abandoned our DC or failed to support them, both his parents would be deeply, deeply disappointed.

DH also works in a profession with one of the lowest divorce rates and I think that has an impact too. Amongst his colleagues, people generally get married, stick it out and both financially support and see their children. Abandoning your children and refusing to pay for them would be seen as completely unacceptable.

I think men are influenced a lot by what those around them think is acceptable.

The comment above about societal expectations is a good one. If most people you know have multiple children by different men, each of whom walks out before birth, then that will seem normal, and more people will head down the same route.

If on the other hand everyone you know sticks it out, works hard to keep the marriage together, and takes on responsibilities then you too are more likely to.

We see this effect in some of the different communities in the UK. The Afro-Caribbean community, for example, has vastly more children growing up with an absent father than other groups.

I think there is always a gamble... however ignoring huge red flags and burying your head doesn't help. No man is Perfect but there are things you should expect as minimal before starting a family I think.

My friend and I joke as she has three children by 2 dads both shockingly awful in different ways (one pays religiously but never sees the kid the other has lots of contact but contributes nothing )
But all the signs were there beforehand to me and I wouldn't of had a family with either of them

Nope we sat down and talked clearly about our expectations. No lovey dovey stuff. Hard stuff. And we stick to it.

One of the best things about being a step mum was seeing DH as a dad before we moved in together, got married or had one together. He’s extremely domestic, capable, practical, hardworking and compassionate so that was all optimistic and we’re happier than ever and DD and I are extremely fortunate to have him. I don’t think it was luck but I had an awful first marriage and thankfully no DC from that so I had my eyes wide open and much higher standards the second time round.

No I knew my partner wanted kids and saw how much effort he put in with his family, how he did things to help out and look after his mum, gma, brother etc. he was already a family man before we had children.

But people go back on commitments

Especially flaky people who yig’ve only known for a couple of years before marrying them or, worse, having children with before marrying them.

Nothing’s guaranteed, but being sensible, marrying and living together for a few years, and waiting until you are in your thirties all make a huge difference to the likelihood of having a stable marriage after you have children.

Waiting 4 years before we got married and another 4 before we had children led me to feel as certain as is possible that he would be sticking around.

We'd been together for 15 years, had lived in several different countries together and he was much keener on having dc than me, so no, I don't think it's luck.

I don’t think waiting until your late 30s is an indicator of success, I know quite a few women settle with the wrong man because they’ve felt rushed by their biological clock. Lots having babies within a year or two etc.

What's that got to do with your original question?

I like to think I chose wisely but there is always an element of luck and noone really knows for certain that the father of their DC would always have been a great parent whatever life throws at them

I have a friend who's exDH is now completely estranged from her 2 teenage DC. He always seemed to be the most devoted of fathers and a classic 'family man' type. Their marriage broke down and he has allowed his second wife to come between him and his DC to the point they now have zero contact. If you'd told me 10 years ago he would turn out to be such a spineless sap I would never have believed it!

Thirties, not late thirties. If you are healthy and have no reason to suspect fertility problems then I genuinely think waiting until you turn thirty can be a good idea.

I’d go further and wish that the government would incentivize people to wait until then. A significant award in the birth of your first child if you are over 30 could be a good way to discourage people having children before they are ready.

But it wouldn’t suit the government to promote this. Geriatric mums cost the NHS more and are more likely to have health problems, caesarians etc than younger mums.

I'm sure the social costs of single parent and broken families is a lot more than a slightly higher incidence of c-sections.

I was with dh since 17. We was 26 married. 29 first child so a considerable vetting period there!

You never really know anyone for certain. But someone who is kind and not totally selfish will be the same with parental responsibility.

I know most people don't normally wait years and years.

What’s the cost difference for a 31 year-old relative to a 25 year-old?

Arguably a complex mix of all four points in your OP. For those solely picking stability of upbringing might wonder how the higher % of recent/current generation(s) of divorcees and often absent fathers from previously stable MC families arose?

This

Indeed. I chose a superb husband and father. He died of cancer when our DC were 7 and 5. Non lifestyle related cancer, so pure bad luck.

Agree with this.

It takes a couple of years to get to know someone properly. Rushing into pregnancy with a relative stranger increases the odds of future difficulties.

I always wonder why women aren't pickier about their children's bio-fathers, tbh.

The red flags were there, I chose to ignore them and 2 weeks after the birth, he was gone.

No he stuck around and is a good father because he is a good guy and we ace a great friendship, we chose to put the kids before our differences and make an effort to get on for them