Do you think it's luck your child's father is around

[vroom321]

Is it luck, money, circumstance or is it down to the woman choosing wisely?

No one can 100% know how good a father can be until the child arrives can they?

I've read the thread about other men taking on kids as their own as the bio dad isn't around and it made me think.

I think its luck. Look at all the posts on here about women who thought their husbands partners were loving and good, and a few years down the line they walk off with another woman. Its not about choosing wisely. You can think youve made a good choice but you have'nt

Of the few women I know who have had kids and the dad didnt stick around, I can honestly say it was completely obvious to everyone that the man was the type to not stick around.
I have a friend who wouldn't stop talking about how shocked she was that he left, for years she would say it. The dogs in the street could have told her if only she had listened.

No, it's not luck.

You can't control if they get sick and die 😢

Yeah, but if you ask those women's friends and family, I bet 95% of them would tell you they knew she'd picked a dud. Some people just don't seem to see the warning signs.

I think it’s luck.

There are no guarantees BUT there are often indications that a man is unlikely to make a good parent.

I married later in life than my siblings and was often said by family to be "too picky". I feel, I made sound choices and after nearly 2 decades together have no concerns about my husband's ability to parent.

My siblings choices have sadly not turned out as well. With hindsight there were signs from early in the relationships that these men would not make good parents.

Think the title of this thread needs to be changed to "judmental smug self congratulatory chat"

You can see it’s not only luck by the difference in different demographics and communities.

If it was luck it’d be at the same level in the Sikh community in Southall as in the Afro-Caribbean community in Homerton, but it isn’t.

No it's not luck. I chose someone who I knew would be a good father. We made a serious commitment to each other when we got married and we have stuck by what we said to each other that day. Whilst we are lucky both to be in good health, our solid marriage and family life did not happen by accident.

We are not together but I saw what a great and committed dad he was to his older dc so knew that even if things didn’t work with us relationship wise he’d still be a good dad and he is

It's a bit of luck and a bit of judgement isn't it. My friend's husband was killed in a plane crash when their children were very young, it doesn't really get more unlucky than that.

It’s weird isn’t it, how people who’ve worked hard to make good decisions are looked down on by those who didn’t.

You see it in careers, partners, education; all sorts of areas.

But yes, if it makes you feel better I do feel a little bit pleased about waiting until I was as certain as I could be that I was marrying and having children with a man who loved me, who’d be a good father, and who was emotionally and intellectually compatible with me.

It’s wonderful to have children with such a good father who loves the family and who has provided us with beautiful homes and a stable life.

Why look down on this? What’s your own situation?

Just because he's around also doesn't mean he's any good. I know plenty of people who have shit husbands and are equally appalling as parents. In a nutshell there are very few men that are really good.

I’m not sure it’s that , but there is an element of luck still. Look how many women on here post they have found out there husband of 10 plus years who they would have trusted with their life has actually turned out to be a cheating shit

did they make a bad choice because they weren’t psychic ?

Like everything, there's an element of luck, but people can improve their chances of "good luck" by getting to know the potential father properly and taking notice of the often very visible warning signs. Obviously nothing is guaranteed and yes, a father can die suddenly, which is out of your control, but choosing more carefully in the first place reduces the risk of him beggaring off when things get tough.

“It’s weird isn’t it, how people who’ve worked hard to make good decisions are looked down on by those who didn’t”

🤮🤮🤮

I agrée, but the likelihood of splitting up while never zero can definitely be reduced. Getting pregnant with a stranger in a foreign nightclub on a hen do is probably at the “most likely to split up” end of the spectrum, while marrying someone who you’ve been with for a few years, living together, and having a sensible understanding beforehand of what parenthood means is towards the other end.

@FarFromHome2 because the only person you ever truly know 100% in life, is yourself and things can happen that no one can foresee. Look at how many threads there are on here about people after 20 years finding out their OH have had long term affairs, or even other children, I bet 19 years in they would have sworn they knew everything about their partners.

My husband loves me and he loves our children.

Is he a brilliant dad? No he’s not but he’s a good dad and he does do what he’s supposed to.

Is it luck? No. We wanted children and had them

Not forgetting new partner and influence. I know a lady who spoke from her DH amicably both good parents separately in every way. Fast forward to new husband and she's no where near the mother she was, he's a control freak so now she is too. Financially controlling and runs the house like an army camp.
People can be changed

It’s some and some, isn’t it? Most of the time men that seem decent stick around and men that seem selfish and flakey keep being selfish and flakey. But I’ve also seen a friend marry a man we all adored and thought was a dead cert for commitment and decency, only to watch in horror as he left her and then behaved very poorly. Similarly I’ve seen at least one guy who cheated on all his girlfriends and generally behaved like a bit of a knob pull up his socks, strap on the bjorn, and become super sad when the moment arrived

Super dad not super sad!

Yes, I’m not claiming that there’s a way to be completely certain, but as I wrote above, putting some thought into what you are doing can clearly tilt the odds.

And to be clear, I’m talking about finding someone reliable and good, I’m saying nothing about the chance of one of you dying.

I do think you never really know anyone until you've been 'tested' but People ignore warning signs because they choose to.

• not wanting to make the commitment to marriage
• not acting their age, think man child
• irresponsible behaviour with money, jobs or life in general.

-cheating and other disrespectful behaviour prior to children. -thinking a child will bring you together when you argue all the time -different morals, religions, cultures can also be a factor. It's on here all the time when posters bemoan their 'partners' and people say don't have a child with this person for goodness sake. You know from their OP they probably still will! mainly I think not enough people talk about the ins and outs of raising a child before they go for it. Talking through how they would discipline, schooling, religion, where to live, finances etc etc. stuff that happens in marriage classes pre wedding in some religions.