Cannot stand my youngest

[covertcuddler]

Tell me I am not alone here…I know this feeling is temporary because I am at my absolute wits end….but my youngest child is actually killing me and when I am this deep in stress, I literally want to hand her over to social services. The feeling will pass, I know this and I’ll feel like the worst parent on the planet for even saying it - but this is too much for me to handle.

She may be on the spectrum. We don’t know. There’s several years waiting list for testing. But part of me thinks she isn’t and she’s just a difficult 6 year old child, especially when she’s smirking when she’s kicking off, fully aware and manipulative and also how she does this with NO ONE else.

She will suddenly refuse, anything - seatbelt, walking, being safe, not running off, not hurting people, not hurting herself. When we reinforce it with consequences, she smirks and goes against it. She loves holding us up, if we continue on regardless this makes her extremely mad. She likes control.

She full on attacks me, she tries to open car doors on the motorway, takes her seatbelt off, she trashed the house, tries to smash windows, break things, throw things, kick things. She claws at her face and arms. She claws at ours or her siblings. She punches, nips, slaps, kicks. She will wet herself in protest. She can be in a tantrum for hours and no amount of gentle parenting, time outs, consequences will work.

Some say ignore it - sorry, I don’t think ignoring her trying to put her fist through a glass door is a good idea or ignoring her scratching her eyes out, we have to keep her safe. We also live in rented accommodation and cannot possibly afford for her to just “let off steam” whilst breaking up the property.

She’s perfectly functioning when life goes her way. Has no issues at school and has plenty friends. School have no concerns.

We love her, of course, she’s our child - but we honestly cannot deal with her in those moments and have to tag team to give each other a break from the abuse.

We have tried everything we have been told, talking about emotions, finding triggers (basically the word no or anyone not doing as she asks) safe spaces, distractions, sensory / stress toys, time outs, reprimands, bear hugs, restraining etc. Nothing works. She will just come out it when it’s her time.

I genuinely don’t think we have the skills or ability to be her parents anymore and at our lowest points with her have actually thought about adoption - then our parental hormones and love kicks in, but in all honesty, I think it would be best for her. We clearly aren’t skilled to look after her and she’s obviously hating us being her parents.

I dread going anywhere with her, for fear of her kicking off and attacking me. I’m done with being beaten. I’m done with the constant migraines from the screaming. She is taking over all our lives and making us sick.…

some words of understanding would be grateful but totally expecting to be called the worst parent…

Have you looked into PDA? I don't think she hates you, she sees you as her safe rock, the people who will love her and fight her corner regardless and that is incredibly hard on you

Can you just physically restrain her until she calms down. I know that wont work forever but for now she is 6. Have you spoken to the GP to try and get help for you all. I know it isnt easy my son is 21 now he has ASD and can be incredibly difficult to deal with isnt physical as such. At this age when he tantrumed he would scream and cry but didnt hurt us or himself. Can you self refer to SS maybe if your seriously thinking of adoption then this would need to happen anyway surely.

I’m not sure I’m going to have great advice to your specific circumstances OP but you are absolutely not the worst parent.
I have one DD - she’s disabled (cannot walk but is very very active), cannot speak but makes intelligible noises to me - especially noooooo which really ramped up over summer holidays.
she refused to do anything over this last week (end of summer holidays) except watch the same 7-8 episodes of Bing, over and fucking over again. Wouldn’t let me bath her etc etc.
Finally yesterday I decided to pretend the tv was broken and make her do things she didn’t want to. She was surprisingly responsive- much more smiley, giggling, engaging and.. for the first time in months, slept all night til 5am.
I know it’s very different but try to see if there’s a trigger of some sort.
Some thoughts:
Less screen time in case she’s watching something that inspires this behaviour (see Bing above) eg Peppa Pig.
Are her siblings getting more or different attention?
What if you gave it one day where it was just you and DH and her and you just do everything (safe) that she wants - see what happens?
Have her do an after school activity that wears her out.
How does she behave with her siblings?
Does she like any quiet activities?

She is far too strong 😞. She kicks, bites, scratches…restraining her would be physically painful for her 😭 I don’t want to hurt her.

genuinely not seriously considering adoption, it’s just me feeling like an absolute failure in the heat of the moment, but I think we need SS, especially as she is injuring herself or is saying she’s hurting when restrained

Sounds exactly like pda. If so I don't know much about techniques but autism techniques may help.
Autism is about managing your child's environment rather than your child. So making sure they have what they need day to day to not be overwhelmed. Whether that's a set routine, daily planner, warning of change, no change (where feasible) , sensory needs met, also not comparing to siblings and lowering expectations. So not being on them for all aspects of behaviour but rather picking your battles. Learning what your child can not cope with and eliminating it and learning what she struggles with and supporting her in achieving it. (In very small steps) Having things in place that support her and soothe could be fiddle toys, chewelry, access to a quiet area, access to a soft area , screen time (if calming) and making sure she accesses her supports when she is struggling. Basically if 1 is asleep and 10 is full meltdown your aim is below a 6 as much as possible so if things (beyond your control) go wrong your child has a bit of room for coping. By doing this whilst it may feel like your letting your child win what you are actually doing is supporting them to feel less overwhelmed once her anxiety and stress reduces she will actually cope better with the things that trigger her,

Your reply is so relatable 😞 I’m sorry it must be so hard for you. This makes our issues more relative. You are on the money with triggers, but basically her trigger is when she doesn’t get her way and when it’s something like “put your seatbelt on” and she refuses, there’s nothing I can do to avoid this 😭

she gets all the attention due to her demands, she only watches screens on long journeys and programs at weekends or weekdays if she’s ready early for school. We’ve tried stress busting / sensory / quiet activities. We have tried park after school, walks. Nothing works 😭

Gosh, her behaviour is so extreme, no wonder you are struggling.

it’s easy for me to say and truth is I probably couldn’t cope at all but it strikes me that your consequences are not making one joy of difference which suggests to me that she has very little control over her behaviour.

Clearly she is screaming for attention, she must be very distressed though of course I do not suggest that is your fault.

I feel so angry on your behalf that you cannot get urgent help with this, it must be so stressful.

Are there times when she is well behaved?

Are there ways you can help her gain a sense of control ie. we are going out this morning, would you like to sit on the left or the right side of the back seat? It looks rainy, would you like to wear a coat or carry an umbrella? And draw picture timetables of the day so she knows what to expect, completed with two spaces where she gets to choose what happens.

Sorry if these are lame suggestions. I think I would be talking to my GP about being at my wit’s end.

No harm in getting SS.
I’m wondering what’s different about school (sorry I got cut short on my previous post because DD decided she wanted to do something else).
I totally understand the feeling of never ending stress and feeling like a shit parent.
But if she’s finding controlling you amusing maybe it’s an ADD issue (I had a sibling like you describe- she was the third child, followed by another when she was quite little).
If she’s fine at school she can be fine at home.
Could she have travel sickness? Just thinking about the car journeys..
Is it the routine of school that helps?
Having friends who are just hers, rather than sharing parents?
Are there any other tensions among her siblings that she feels being naughty is the only way to be seen/heard?

We have been to doctors and had the referral but it’s a very long waiting list. She has no issues at all at school. lots of people have said this is because she can release at home, but guiltily, when I’m this stressed, I’d rather she didn’t…

she’s calm now, apologetic and sweet and my blood pressure is literally through the roof tidying up after her 😭

Don't restrain unless it's life or death restraint is terrifying for a nd child.

Agree the no issues at school is her feeling safe with you. Awful for you but lovely she trusts you

What happens if you don’t tidy up after her?
If one of her siblings were to do a small “tidy” - say pick up thrown objects..
It might be very hard to do (I’m imagining trying for a couple of days).
Don’t let her see you tidy after her. Let it just stay like the way she left it..
I wonder if she’d start to tidy up herself?
Does she do anything “helpful” either spontaneously or as a duty (eg put away her toys)?

What’s ADD? Attention deficit?

I 100% feel like a shit parent right now, especially as my body is trying to fight or flight my own child in self preservation. Pure 100% guilt. I don’t know how SN mums do it! I really wish I had the strength and knowledge to be able to just manage her need's.

We aren’t far from school so journey is super short, she is used to long car journeys and manages fine unless someone crosses her, like looks out her window or moves.

she says she doesn’t like school, but she’s never any issues at school. she has friends, we have play dates.

she gets most of the attention because of her “needs” her older siblings get very little as a result, but they cope well bless them.

we praise her lots, give her lots of attention, we are so much more lax with her as we know she’s different, we let her have hugs and time with us whenever she needs so her “cup is always full” we praise her for coming out a tantrum.

She is getting worse, the attacks are worse. She has actually drawn blood 😞

I wonder if she feels that her older siblings get to do things with n a way she’d like to.. There’s a chance that letting her know you aren’t going to just run around clearing up after her might make her realise that she can’t control you as easily as she thought

It sounds like she might be on the spectrum. I would approach SS and say you can't cope with her anymore and are very afraid she will do serious harm either to herself, you or her siblings. She needs assessed as a matter of urgency but the way things are at the moment, it's a case of "he who shouts the loudest..". Don't take no for an answer. Escalate your request to your MP, if need be. You can't continue like this and neither can your daughter without causing serious harm. Good luck.

Rather than wait for the wheels of referrals to slowly turn, I’d recommend investigating a private assessment somewhere that recognises PDA. The Elizabeth Newsome centre is a good start I think, or the Lorna Wing centre. It’s not cheap but if you’re at breaking point, at least they will tell you what you’re dealing with.

You do need help OP, you poor thing.
How old are her siblings?

How many children do you have op all together and has anything changed recently? Is she the youngest?

www.pdasociety.org.uk/resources/independent-diagnostic-centres/

A close friend of mine has a child like this. Absolutely fine at school and clubs - absolutely horrendous at home. My observation as someone who has spent a lot of time with the family is that they switch tactic too often and give up quickly if an approach doesn't seem to work or when they (completely understandably) run out of energy and it's just easier to give in. They also nearly always give in to him to keep the peace, or say no and they change their minds. He's 11 now and he's big and violent - it's scary.

You've mentioned a lot of things you've tried - have you done them for extended periods of time? Did any help a bit?

I would go back to your GP - my friend did and got some quite quick referals to support services locally - although admittedly not for ASD/ADHD assessment, more like parenting courses etc.

OP look up Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD). It's related to autism but I think your DD ticks a lot of the boxes for it.
The strategies recommended for children with ODD are different to those with autism, so would be worth a try.
And you are absolutely not a bad parent!

Your daughter’s behaviour sounds a lot like my DD’s - she has a learning disability, ASD with PDA traits and ADHD.

@autienotnaughty ’s post is spot-on, I think. Your DD isn’t misbehaving because she wants to - she’s communicating some kind of distress. I’d really recommend having a look at Yvonne Newbold’s courses - I went one one and found it really enlightening about the reasons for challenging behaviour and how
to help your child.

www.newboldhope.org

And I agree with PPs about telling social services you’re in crisis.

I don't have any advice or anything to add other than letting you know that you and your dp sound like amazing parents!

You have tried so much and I can tell just from what you have put how much you love her.

💖

This is so hard, you are not a terrible parent.

DS6 can be like this but normally not quite so bad. We had occupational therapy and we have a picture of a volcano. The idea is that the colors are moods (blue is sad, green is content, yellow is excited or stressed, red is explosive, then he explodes.). The idea is to try and identify when he is yellow and help him not to move up to red. So I might suggest he go use one of his tools.

Or I try and make sure he is briefed in advance (he hates transitions and sometimes hates new situations for example but if I tell him the plan well in advance he has time to process the need for these things and it does help).

It is hard to know what to do when they physically attack you. DS does this too. We have a zero tolerance policy, any violence even if mild causes loss of screen time. DS really cares about screen time so we always have a consequence that works eventually.

We also have a points based rewards system- he can earn points for good behavior and loses them for bad behavior, if he gets to minus 10 there's a consequence he cares about. He can also spend points on eg ipad time, candy, etc. it's good for his maths too! It means that in a confrontation like about putting the seatbelt on, I can take points off him every 5 seconds till he does it. The drip drip effect of this often works eventually though sometimes it makes him crazy.

There are a lot of other softer parenting techniques I think we use too, that are hard to describe but what pp mentioned about parenting autistic kids partly covers it. DS is not autistic but he is very inflexible and has a sensory processing disorder.

We don't have it all figured out though, it's constantly hard, just when you think it's all ok then something else goes wrong or something that used to work stops working!

Hang in there.

So many people feeling pity for the mother here but I pity the child. Here is an almost certainly neurodiverse child growing up around people who have no clue how to support her needs. If somebody said they couldn't stand their neurotypical child everyone would be horrified, but she's possibly disabled so apparently it's fine now.