Cannot stand my youngest

[covertcuddler]

Tell me I am not alone here…I know this feeling is temporary because I am at my absolute wits end….but my youngest child is actually killing me and when I am this deep in stress, I literally want to hand her over to social services. The feeling will pass, I know this and I’ll feel like the worst parent on the planet for even saying it - but this is too much for me to handle.

She may be on the spectrum. We don’t know. There’s several years waiting list for testing. But part of me thinks she isn’t and she’s just a difficult 6 year old child, especially when she’s smirking when she’s kicking off, fully aware and manipulative and also how she does this with NO ONE else.

She will suddenly refuse, anything - seatbelt, walking, being safe, not running off, not hurting people, not hurting herself. When we reinforce it with consequences, she smirks and goes against it. She loves holding us up, if we continue on regardless this makes her extremely mad. She likes control.

She full on attacks me, she tries to open car doors on the motorway, takes her seatbelt off, she trashed the house, tries to smash windows, break things, throw things, kick things. She claws at her face and arms. She claws at ours or her siblings. She punches, nips, slaps, kicks. She will wet herself in protest. She can be in a tantrum for hours and no amount of gentle parenting, time outs, consequences will work.

Some say ignore it - sorry, I don’t think ignoring her trying to put her fist through a glass door is a good idea or ignoring her scratching her eyes out, we have to keep her safe. We also live in rented accommodation and cannot possibly afford for her to just “let off steam” whilst breaking up the property.

She’s perfectly functioning when life goes her way. Has no issues at school and has plenty friends. School have no concerns.

We love her, of course, she’s our child - but we honestly cannot deal with her in those moments and have to tag team to give each other a break from the abuse.

We have tried everything we have been told, talking about emotions, finding triggers (basically the word no or anyone not doing as she asks) safe spaces, distractions, sensory / stress toys, time outs, reprimands, bear hugs, restraining etc. Nothing works. She will just come out it when it’s her time.

I genuinely don’t think we have the skills or ability to be her parents anymore and at our lowest points with her have actually thought about adoption - then our parental hormones and love kicks in, but in all honesty, I think it would be best for her. We clearly aren’t skilled to look after her and she’s obviously hating us being her parents.

I dread going anywhere with her, for fear of her kicking off and attacking me. I’m done with being beaten. I’m done with the constant migraines from the screaming. She is taking over all our lives and making us sick.…

some words of understanding would be grateful but totally expecting to be called the worst parent…

I missed this earlier, thank you - we don't feel this way today. She's currently tucked up in bed after model behaviour after meltdown and I am feeling all the guilt feels. This was a lovely post to make, thank you xxx

I missed this earlier, you are right - there are so many things it could be.

She is certainly not abused and has no issues with friends or bullying at school that we know - but something certainly could be bothering her that we can't see. We have thought it might be anxiety, but we aren't qualified to be making diagnoses - however we have been making steps to reduce her stress, increase sensory and have sensory limited areas, talking methods, books etc

I don’t know how SN mums do it!

It's FUCKING HARD but it's really taught me to appreciate the good days or even the good moments of the bad days!

Children don't come with a bloody handbook covering specific make, model and special features. You don't pop along to a showroom and select the model that best suits your ability, skills and knowledge.

Please look into ABA therapy (applied behaviour analysis). Also reinforce the good things (however tiny for a split second). Do not comment on the negative - move her to safety, hold arms etc, do not make eye contact. Please find an ABA therapist - can work wonders with extreme problem behaviour. Sounds like you are absolutely doing your best. This is NOT your fault!

Close your beak.

I have a DD (9) with these difficulties and she has got better with a diagnosis and us changing the way we do things.

I won't go into detail as it was all similar stuff to what others have detailed.

My DD does the smirk thing though - it's a type of fight and flight behaviour.

I did want to recommend Jeffrey Bernstein's book 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child. It really helped me.

Also to share the findings of a research study I contributed to - the violent behaviour in girls tends to tail off by 9 or 10. I realise that's not very comforting, bit it peaked for us around 7.

You are a good parent. You have a very challenging child.

Our DD is good as gold at school too. School have always believed us and it was no barrier to getting a diagnosis.

We have a similar child. Not quite as bad, but close. Same age. I believe it is emotional disregulation. Like your child he has no problems at school. Was a very tricky baby. Would scream and cry throughout the night up until he was around 2/3. My anxiety was through the roof. I’m still nothing like the person I was before I had him.

Things that have helped us:

1 keeping completely calm. it’s very rare I get cross when he’s melting down. When he has REALLY hurt me I might raise my voice but generally I’m completely cool, calm and collected. Even when he’s trashing the house.

2 consequences. I won’t manhandle him anywhere and I won’t force him into a time out as he gets scared when he’s alone. What do say is there will be consequences and follow through on them. So that might be loss of screen time or something he enjoys that’s a treat. What I do do is allow him to earn that stuff back later through good behaviour. So it’s not a blunt stick.

3 recognising when he’s tired as he’s a million times worse. Recognising when he’s hungry/blood sugar related behaviour as that makes him a million times worse too.

4 avoid triggers. He’s very particular about things like school work and the need to get things right. So I will avoid triggers at home and that often means homework. I’ve explained to the school that this triggers an evening of huge meltdowns and I’m not prepared to do it. So if there’s anything that you know is a concrete trigger, find a way round it.

5 talk about emotions and try and walkthrough acceptable tantrums when she’s calm. It sounds weird but if you can discuss behaviours that would be acceptable when she’s really angry, like hitting a pillow for example or going to a dark, safe place and wrapping herself up in a blanket. My son this evening decided to wrap himself up in s blanket and I said it was a great idea. We put a pillow under his head and he stayed there a little while.

4 be careful with diet. I honestly think eating a high sugar/high sweetener diet (not saying she does) is detrimental to kids development. Also screens wind my son up no end. I have to be really careful with screen time. He’s okay with TV, but there’s certain games he has played on the computer that wind him up into a complete ball of fury. Then taking him off that screen is like unleashing a monster. We no longer let him on there. It’s a hard no. That would also come under avoiding triggers.

Massive hugs for you as her parents, that sounds awfully stressful for you all as a family. I would certainly get a referral to a private assessment, ( it can be claimed back on your taxes in Ireland for sure, unsure about the UK). It would be well worth begging or borrowing the money to speed this assessment up to give your family an answer, so you can move on with dealing with your daughters issues. No judgement here, I am not at all sure most of us could cope in this situation, although I know many have to and my heart breaks for people who find themselves waiting years for any answers

You need to save every single penny you have and take her to be assessed by a child psychiatrist. Do whatever it takes - do without whatever it takes.

Tape her and bring the evidence to the appointment.

Don't wait for your number to come up for an NHS appointment. You and your H and your child need a diagnosis and signposting so the relationship can be repaired.

In my opinion most kids are annoying regardless, so I don't think you are a bad mom for feeling that way. I had a kid that always had to be doing something, she just couldn't sit and watch tv or read or play quietly by herself. I didn't really like her all that much, even though i did love her. She's an adult and the same, but now I don't feel responsible for having to entertain her or keep her busy and distracted. I like her more now. lol

Sending so much empathy OP. I've been there. When my DS was 6 I genuinely thought I would have to run away rather than live through another challenging day. I love the very bones of him but my goodness just the effort of getting through a "normal" day on absolute eggshells about what will trigger him.
Anyway he was privately assessed and diagnosed with ASD and PDA with significant sensory needs just before he was 7. Turns out I was parenting him completely wrong and he has overwhelming sensory needs. Since we've figured out low demand parenting and sensory regulation life has been so much better. Not perfect by any stretch and I guarantee anyone looking in on our life would thing we're very lazy parents who let him get away with everything, but honestly it is all intentional and our home is so much calmer and happier. He's 10 now and doing so well.
I would second (third/fourth) Dr Ross Greene, and also Mona Delahooke and Harry Thompson to understand your DCs thinking and responses.
Also if you're on Instagram At Peace Parent is amazing At Peace Parent

Pda

Get the school EP involved

Ehc request

Autistic son with PDA. I’ve strapped him in the car ready and willing to leave him on the steps of the LA. My DH took the keys, luckily!

You’re not a terrible person. It’s fucking hard and relentless. Today I’ve been bitten and had a beautiful pair of linen pillowcases trashed on purpose, with a smirk. I cried.

Yup we have to think long and hard about everything we buy, 'will this break easily, will it hurt if it gets thrown at me, how long will it last, etc.' Hope tomorrow is calmer for you all x

I would avoid this. ABA can sometimes make an autistic child appear more NT (by making them hold eye contact or preventing them from stimming) but autistic adults who have experienced it are overwhelmingly negative about it. It’s also highly reward / aversive based, so even if it is true that ABA treatment is no longer actually abusive, it’s still not suitable for a
child with actual or suspected PDA as it’s a series of demands.

I looked into ABA for my own child after being recommended it on a FB group and read up on the techniques recommended for the particular issue we were having difficulty with, and I was deeply unimpressed. It sounded more like dog training than therapy.

no words but this sounds like my daughter now and she’s only 3 😔🥺 I couldn’t take another 4 years of living like this
it’s school next week so least you will have 6 hrs a day break from your daughter

Just one thing that will help OP, you can fix the car doors in the back of the car so they can only be opened from the outside. That would stop her opening car doors on motorway at least.

As others have already said, go for an assessment elsewhere if the waiting lists are too long locally.

The PDA Society have a useful page here www.pdasociety.org.uk/life-with-pda-menu/family-life-intro/diagnosing-pda-children/

Caudwell offer free assessments for families with a household income below £45k or there’s a self funded option for those above the threshold, although I don’t know if they have PDA experience. www.caudwellchildren.com/services/autism/

In the meantime, I would do one of the Yvonne Newbold courses. Sunshine Support have particularly good experience with PDA and they were really helpful to us in starting up the EHCP process so it may be worth talking to them too. And there are two really helpful PDA groups on Facebook too, <a class="break-all" href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/pdasupport/?ref=sharewww.facebook.com/groups/pdasupport/?ref=share&exp=93fa" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">this one and <a class="break-all" href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/1732752100314498/?ref=sharewww.facebook.com/groups/1732752100314498/?ref=share&exp=93fa" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">this one.

Argh, sorry about the links!

Honestly just fuck off.

This is a support thread for mums. This is a good mum trying her best in exceptional circumstances.

Take your hobby horse of poor disabled kid & shove it & let the rest of us get on with supporting the OP.

And I'm a mum of a kid with asn.

Aba is generally recognised in the autistic community as being abusive. Everything your doing sounds great. Try not to be too hard on ur self.

Following as my 4 year old has been showing signs of ADHD and PDA. It’s exhausting.

So far I’ve learnt to try not to ask her to do anything directly. Instead I just try to catch her and just tell her “It’s time to xxx now”. I also give her choices eg. what do you want to do first? Get dressed or brush your teeth?so she feels like she some control of things.

You need a diagnosis OP. It’s disgusting that we can’t get the help we need for our kids because their behaviour is deemed not as bad as others but this obviously depends on quality of parenting too. Some parents can muddle along and their DC slip through the net whereas other parents cannot cope at all and they get the diagnosis and the help.

You need to look online for safe restraining techniques. Fear of her getting hurt shouldn't mean that she can scratch and bite you.

The child doesn't even have a diagnosis