Cannot stand my youngest

[covertcuddler]

Tell me I am not alone here…I know this feeling is temporary because I am at my absolute wits end….but my youngest child is actually killing me and when I am this deep in stress, I literally want to hand her over to social services. The feeling will pass, I know this and I’ll feel like the worst parent on the planet for even saying it - but this is too much for me to handle.

She may be on the spectrum. We don’t know. There’s several years waiting list for testing. But part of me thinks she isn’t and she’s just a difficult 6 year old child, especially when she’s smirking when she’s kicking off, fully aware and manipulative and also how she does this with NO ONE else.

She will suddenly refuse, anything - seatbelt, walking, being safe, not running off, not hurting people, not hurting herself. When we reinforce it with consequences, she smirks and goes against it. She loves holding us up, if we continue on regardless this makes her extremely mad. She likes control.

She full on attacks me, she tries to open car doors on the motorway, takes her seatbelt off, she trashed the house, tries to smash windows, break things, throw things, kick things. She claws at her face and arms. She claws at ours or her siblings. She punches, nips, slaps, kicks. She will wet herself in protest. She can be in a tantrum for hours and no amount of gentle parenting, time outs, consequences will work.

Some say ignore it - sorry, I don’t think ignoring her trying to put her fist through a glass door is a good idea or ignoring her scratching her eyes out, we have to keep her safe. We also live in rented accommodation and cannot possibly afford for her to just “let off steam” whilst breaking up the property.

She’s perfectly functioning when life goes her way. Has no issues at school and has plenty friends. School have no concerns.

We love her, of course, she’s our child - but we honestly cannot deal with her in those moments and have to tag team to give each other a break from the abuse.

We have tried everything we have been told, talking about emotions, finding triggers (basically the word no or anyone not doing as she asks) safe spaces, distractions, sensory / stress toys, time outs, reprimands, bear hugs, restraining etc. Nothing works. She will just come out it when it’s her time.

I genuinely don’t think we have the skills or ability to be her parents anymore and at our lowest points with her have actually thought about adoption - then our parental hormones and love kicks in, but in all honesty, I think it would be best for her. We clearly aren’t skilled to look after her and she’s obviously hating us being her parents.

I dread going anywhere with her, for fear of her kicking off and attacking me. I’m done with being beaten. I’m done with the constant migraines from the screaming. She is taking over all our lives and making us sick.…

some words of understanding would be grateful but totally expecting to be called the worst parent…

I've had similar with my youngest. Not so extreme, but I understand.

The bottom line for us was that, well, my DS was unhappy. He still has low self steem.

The point is, making an unhappy child happier is not simple or fast. Over 2 years ago I left the abusive marriage that was a big part of the problem. But I'm still working on fixing things, with therapy, help from school, etc. And sometimes I still don't know why he's unhappy. (Happy people don't act out)

Wish you good luck. It's hard.

My children weren't diagnosed until they were 14 and 17. Without diagnosis how do you know what parenting techniques to use? Even having one diagnosed child didn't mean I definitely knew the other was asd. They are very different.

Oh lord yes we have to remember to do this every time we have a hire car.

Look at the pda society op .

My neighbour who I'm really good friends with - her dd is 10 and exactly the same . Now I'm a "trusted adult" she does the same with me - I find it exhausting so god knows how her mum copes . My eldest is autistic but this is another level - if you say up she'll say down , you say black she'll say white , you say shout at the neighbours she'll hang out the window shouting obscenities.
She's sullen , glares at my and if looks could kill I'd be dead 😂. She freely says in front of me "why is vicar here ? I do t want her here . I don't like her " etc etc but then if she doesn't see me for a few days she knocks on my door or texts me ....im now the ONLY oerson who will babysit if her mum wants to go out . I normally get on ok with her but there have been times I've seen her go to attack her mum and I've had to step in with some very harsh words (im a police officer - the last time she went to hit her mum I said think about it because if I see you assault you mother I will put you in handcuffs and take you to the station " now I've asked advise on behalf of the neighbour on here before and got my arse handed to me in a plate for saying that BUT it did work . And she was fine with after .
She finds situations that lost kids would love (theme parks for eg) so stressful because she thinks the ride might break down or get trapped (we're talking a caterpillar ride for little kids ) to the point she cried and her mum had to take her home . She is highly anxious but you wouldn't know because she comes across as just demanding, controlling and unpleasant. Despite that - I do like her and she knows it - I think that's why she feels "safe" to act with me the way she does . It's so hard ! Is like psychological warfare! I'm going with neighbour to gp to get a referral for assessment because I see the same behaviour as she sees .

Loads of typos but I meant if you say don't shout at the neighbours she doesn't the exact opposite!

(The neighbours at the other side now completely ignore my friend and her dd and stopped their children playing with her ) which I find sad and very harsh. But consequences just mean absolutely nothing to her . She doesn't care .

OP you describe my daughter ( also my youngest) almost exactly. She's 8 and diagnosed autistic with a demand avoidant profile and is also currently awaiting assessment for ADHD. My daughter definitely has PDA but it isn't diagnosed in our area, so autism with a demand avoidance profile is the closest diagnosis.

I'll be back in the morning with more detailed advice, but look up a book called The Family Experience of PDA. It is enlightening.
ODD is different, it is not part of the autism spectrum and is linked to attachment. One way of defining the difference is that people with PDA are defiant even about things they enjoy and actively want to do.

It's exhausting and I don't have the answers, but I do have a lot of empathy for your situation.

This helps me no end…thank you - we are just not naturally able to manage like this. I’m determined to get learning and seeing someone privately so we can try find a better way to live as this level of suffering (for us and our daughter!) is too much

We have child locks, but she rides in the front to prevent her attacking her siblings. I was more referring to her complete disregard for her own safety by trying to open the doors of a moving car, opening windows, seatbelts off etc. We immediately reduced the risk, it was just so scary seeing her act so dangerously 😞

Techniques for dealing with PDA are not thé same as classic autism. DD's speciality was pinching my upper arm and twisting hard - it makes a tennis ball size bruise. There is a site for the PDA sociéty. From memory, one technique is to make a game of things - not easy when she'd just nearly broken my glasses! Best of luck OP, it's not easy.

So so so so many different diagnosis, how can I possibly choose a path now to try and help her with so many possibilities?

Are they all intertwined? The posts about anxiety ring very true for me - although I think she may be on the spectrum somewhere. She has always had similar quirks that people talk about when describing their child.

Is it just a child psychologist I’m after? Or an educational psychologist?

With PDA - does that apply to everything? Out of say 10 requests, she will only refuse say 1. It’s not like she won’t pick up her toys or put her shoes away every time, but she might occasionally refuse and have a meltdown.

Thinking carefully, she is less likely to complete tasks requested of her compared to the other kids. We may have just passed this off as age.

Google PANDA strategies for PDA and use them. Also buy and read The Explosive Child and 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child and try their strategies. Keep anything that works.

You're confusing two things - diagnosis and therapy/care/strategies. If strategies work, they work.

Of course long term a diagnosis is helpful. You would need a paediatrician to do an ADOS to assess for autism - usually with a speech and language therapist. But an assessment centre will tell you what the process is - you don't need to figure that out yourself.

Refusing 1 in 10 requests is pretty bloody good! Are your other kids unusually compliant?

The car escaping -- we used a Houdini Stop (recommended on here). A strong DC can remove it, but it gives a bit of useful extra time to e.g. stop the car safely.

I liked the explosive child book too. The core idea is understanding the situations they find difficult which therefore trigger a meltdown.

It will depend how compliant and calm she’s feeling. She might manage a few requests/demands when calm but if she starts feeling under pressure and anxious this could manifest itself as refusing to comply so she regains control.

The vast majority of the replies are suggesting you should look into PDA strategies. It doesn’t matter TBH, if she ends up with a different DX, if PDA strategies work, then that’s good. Worth a try, won’t do any harm, there’s a lot of negotiation and keeping things stress free. Something to try while you push for assessment, which may take some time. I hope you are feeling less alone after this thread, OP.

I really am feeling much better and hopeful that we can support her in the way she needs in time. I’m so sad the services are not there to support these kids properly as clearly they are suffering and so are the families.

thank you so much everyone, taking the time out your day to make me feel less alone and hopeless to this situation and more optimistic that we can do this!

I do feel absolute guilt for my first post, as I knew I would, the feeling was very much just getting to the end of my tether 🥲 xx

Aw, good luck OP! It is very difficult and not well understood.

What I liked about those books is that the authors have evidently met loads of DC like ours.

Look at Kristy Forbes Autism & ND Support on Facebook. She's my favourite advocate, and PDA mother to four PDA children. At Peace Parents is also excellent.

Your DD sounds like my PDA/ADHD DS. It's such a different presentation of autism, I had to pull DS out of school because the traditional ASD techniques being used by SEN staff to engage with him were triggering enormous distress and refusal. His class teacher sent a handmade schedule for him to use at home, and he destroyed it. Cut it into tiny pieces.

PDA is also known as Persistent Desire for Autonomy. At it's core, PDA is an anxiety-driven need for control. When I treat him like a work colleague (!), our home is reasonably functional. We are very close, and have many interests in common, but I'm permanently exhausted, have PTSD and am medicated.

There's a helpful article I read a while back, 'The Exhaustion Problem in Extreme Parenting' by Brynn Burger.

Solidarity.