Cannot stand my youngest

[covertcuddler]

Tell me I am not alone here…I know this feeling is temporary because I am at my absolute wits end….but my youngest child is actually killing me and when I am this deep in stress, I literally want to hand her over to social services. The feeling will pass, I know this and I’ll feel like the worst parent on the planet for even saying it - but this is too much for me to handle.

She may be on the spectrum. We don’t know. There’s several years waiting list for testing. But part of me thinks she isn’t and she’s just a difficult 6 year old child, especially when she’s smirking when she’s kicking off, fully aware and manipulative and also how she does this with NO ONE else.

She will suddenly refuse, anything - seatbelt, walking, being safe, not running off, not hurting people, not hurting herself. When we reinforce it with consequences, she smirks and goes against it. She loves holding us up, if we continue on regardless this makes her extremely mad. She likes control.

She full on attacks me, she tries to open car doors on the motorway, takes her seatbelt off, she trashed the house, tries to smash windows, break things, throw things, kick things. She claws at her face and arms. She claws at ours or her siblings. She punches, nips, slaps, kicks. She will wet herself in protest. She can be in a tantrum for hours and no amount of gentle parenting, time outs, consequences will work.

Some say ignore it - sorry, I don’t think ignoring her trying to put her fist through a glass door is a good idea or ignoring her scratching her eyes out, we have to keep her safe. We also live in rented accommodation and cannot possibly afford for her to just “let off steam” whilst breaking up the property.

She’s perfectly functioning when life goes her way. Has no issues at school and has plenty friends. School have no concerns.

We love her, of course, she’s our child - but we honestly cannot deal with her in those moments and have to tag team to give each other a break from the abuse.

We have tried everything we have been told, talking about emotions, finding triggers (basically the word no or anyone not doing as she asks) safe spaces, distractions, sensory / stress toys, time outs, reprimands, bear hugs, restraining etc. Nothing works. She will just come out it when it’s her time.

I genuinely don’t think we have the skills or ability to be her parents anymore and at our lowest points with her have actually thought about adoption - then our parental hormones and love kicks in, but in all honesty, I think it would be best for her. We clearly aren’t skilled to look after her and she’s obviously hating us being her parents.

I dread going anywhere with her, for fear of her kicking off and attacking me. I’m done with being beaten. I’m done with the constant migraines from the screaming. She is taking over all our lives and making us sick.…

some words of understanding would be grateful but totally expecting to be called the worst parent…

She sounds very demand avoidant - which is related to high anxiety. It can be very difficult to
parent, but there are strategies.

An old book I recommend is Stanley Greenspan’s ‘the challenging child’ - it really helps understand these behaviours - which is the first step.

sorry just heading out now - but you will be able to parent her - you just need to learn the strategies for demand avoidance.

my youngest couldn’t get himself out of a
strop once in it but responded well to me really
laying down what I expected before we went anywhere

Please don’t do this; diagnose a child on line. There is no way to know what’s wrong here as so little info is provided other than the bad behaviour described

we don’t know if something is wrong In the home, how many kids, if she’s being abused at home, bullied in school.

yes something is causing this little girls distress and behaviour but what that is we can’t tell.

Oh god you poor thing.

We went through a (luckily very brief) period where DD bit, kicked and drew blood, even kicking DH in the b*s. The GP was understanding but even then the waiting lists were awful. In the end I approached the NSPCC & they gave me details for a partner charity that helps parents - unfortunately I can't for the life of me remember the name but the NSPCC should be able to help - they may also be able to help with assessments etc to see what you are dealing with.

In the meantime, sending a hug xxx

If she has ASD then it's very likely the smirking is due to anxiety. The need to control situations again comes down to anxiety. If she copes well at school then it is probably because of the routine and masking, after all day of that she is going to be taking it out on you all. Also after having the routine of school all term, the unscheduled chaos where anything could happen at any time of school holidays is going to knock her for 6. It's probably not the holding you up she likes - it's really important that you stop taking everything personally - it's probably that she doesn't want to go wherever you're going as it's too much for her.

You need to think about what life looks like 'when it goes her way' and try to make life that simple as much of the time as you can. If she doesn't like going out to places it may be because they are too loud, too busy, too over stimulating. If she doesn't like the car does she have something she can watch or listen to while in there? When she comes home from school she is likely going to need down time to decompress - we always did snack and story but even that may be too much for her. Have a routine though that you follow every day after school if you can, with the same things happening at the same times each day. Have routine for weekends too if you can.

You need to prepare her well in advance for anything that is going to happen ie in ten minutes it will be time to put your shoes on so we can go to the shops and get some food - so you will need to finish off what you are doing. Then repeat at 5 minutes and 2 minutes. (This was a game changer for DS) If she hates shopping it could be due to the noise - try ear defenders if she'll wear them. But the busyness might just be too much for her - do an online shop instead if possible. Have a schedule for the day so you have written up everything that is going to happen that day so that she knows all the plans first thing in the morning.

If she is having an autistic meltdown then nothing you do will bring her out of it, she will just need to be in a safe place and given time - and then when it's over you can move on (thinking about what triggered it). Being over tired or hungry often are not good - take healthy snacks everywhere!

If she is destructive/violent then it's really important to try to work out what's triggering her so you can prevent it getting to that stage, as much quiet, calm time as possible, lots of snacks and drinks, her own space - this will be really important as she gets older, she will really need her own room if she doesn't already. Her siblings may be really, really bothering her just by doing mundane things which after a day at school/at home she is past being able to cope with.

Also try to subtly video her at her worst if you can so you can show the assessor when the time comes. Obviously will need two of you there so one can make sure she is safe. You're not the worst parent, this isn't your parenting IMO but the wait to be assessed it appalling. Read up as much as you can on ASD and parenting a child with ASD even if you're not sure it's that (it's generally just really 'good' parenting anyway but takes a bit of time and effort). Also note down all the unusual or outside the range of 'normal' behaviour that she demonstrates as this is forgotten surprisingly quickly - and look back as far as you can remember and do the same. This will again be useful for assessment.

My son was like this for a time. I used to wrap my arms around him to restrain him. He would complain that it hurts but I wasn't hurting him, he was hurting him. Once he relaxed and calmed down we went on with our day.

I noticed that the more screen time he had, the worse his behaviour so I restricted it to 30 minutes a day and the rest of the time we went out walking, making camps, anything to burn of that energy that could turn to anger. I also learned to pick my battle. No is a word that should be reserved for times when you REALLY mean it.

Hi, I'm new to the boards. I have a 16 year old son who has (had) the exact same behaviour as your daughter. So sad to read your post - it is a very overwhelming and despairing situation to be in. Only recently was he diagnosed on the AS spectrum, PDA. This must be one of the worst SN diagnoses and unfortunately there are no established methods of treatment. The usual AS methods do not work. Getting angry, explaining, telling off, consequences do not work. My son has no sense of shame, which is an important function when regulating behaviour and he revolts violently against any expectations or demands. Positive reinforcement does not work either because these individuals conceive praise as a demand/pressure to behave in the same manner next time. If this is the situation with your daughter you will need help. You need lots of patience, lower your expectations and demands. I was very reluctant to accept help because I didn't want family or friends to have to spend time with him and start to dislike him. Does your daughter behave this way outside the home? In all situations? I really think you need to talk
to your GP - the situation you are in is destructive and your daughter needs to be assessed as soon as possible. I'm not in the UK so don't know what help is available to you.
To give you some hope my son has got better as he has got older. He can make more of his own choices, can be more independent and parenting is not as interfering/hands on as when children are younger. I have had two non-negotiables: he goes to school and he brushes his teeth. The days that this works are good days. The days he does this without a fight are great days!
Sending you strength and hugs.

Sounds awful and not normal ime
The only things I can think of

She's on the spectrum
She's got pda
She's acting as the canary of the family acting out suppressed rage in the family.

Whatever it is. Sounds like you need a break.

@Choconut that's a great post. I have also observed that too much screen time definitely has a negative impact on DS behavior. And when he is on screen time ban he becomes much nicer!

It's a difficult balance though as screen time is the only thing he really cares about for rewards and consequences so if we cut it down too far we have no leverage. He loves watching animal documentaries so it's mostly educational but still seems problematic in some way.

But why should they understand her needs? How is she to know even what's going on for her when they can't even get a diagnosis? She's clearly throwing everything at this trying to find something that works but no ones given her the manual. If you have it though then do pass it along. Or at least say something helpful.

People on here say all the time that they don't like their NT child, literally all the time. It's a way of them communicating that they're not coping. This mum is obviously at the end of her tether having tried everything she can think of - and do you help her with even a single tip on how she might help her possibly ND child. Nope. So really, if you have nothing helpful to say why don't you just piss off.

And the reason why this ND child isn’t suported well isn’t because her oarents don’t want to know because it’s impossible to get a referral/diagnosis in this country within a reasonable timeframe.

Dont blame the parents here. They are doing their best why whatever knowledge they have.

Plus the OP hasn’t aid she can’t stand her child. It’s obvious it’s her behaviour and the fact she has no idea what’s going in or how to tackle the problems that she can’t stand. With good reasons tbh.

Oh please. It shouldn't be hard to see that here is a parent at the end of her tether because she does not know how to parent a child exhibiting such extreme behaviour. She has already sought a medical opinion and is looking for help, which many posters are giving her.
I am the mother of two ND boys, and I struggled and struggled with how to parent them in a way where we could all cope with the world.
OP, you've had very good advice here. The only thing I would add is to see if you can possibly afford a private assessment. My boy with ASD was massively affected by lockdown. One GP dismissed us completely but another took our concerns seriously. The waiting list was two years. We sold my car. Our lad has just started high school and is coping.
I've been on a few parenting courses- one with barnardos was particularly helpful.

You could have a look into paediatric occupational therapists. We have seen one with our DC. They specialise in ASD and do a lot of work with looked after children. Ours really understands our child, and it feels good to have some professionals offer advice. I'm not saying it's a magic solution to all of your problems, but it's something proactive while waiting for formal assessment.

She would go crazy if her siblings came in to her room and tidied, she would likely attack them unless it was her idea

she did help tidy in the end and has just apologised (on her own!!) and is fine now… polar opposite!

she does help out and tidies on her own accord, just not mid tantrum or shortly after

Thank you for this, I will look in to it - we give her fully structured days and schedules, she works well with this

Thank you for this - it’s why we are pushing for a diagnosis (or not) so we can learn these skills

100% she is suffering! It’s awful! There are times when she is an absolute joy, I think it’s why we struggle so much as it’s so sudden and extreme. Like out the blue!

There's plenty you can do while you await an autism diagnosis. You can read up on autism, I recommend 'How to Raise A Happy Autistic Child' by Jessie Hewitson, 'The Reason I Jump' by Naoki Higoshida, 'The Explosive Child' by Dr Ross Greene. Websites: The National Autistic Society, The PDA Society, the many many Facebook support groups around PDA.

You can visit SEN schools that specialise in working with children with autism. You can privately hire a speech and language therapist or educational psychologist to assess your child. You can look up sensory specialist occupational therapists on social media and look out for their posts on how to regulated a dysregulated child.

You can apply for an EHCP from your local authority to ensure that the child is supported fully to meet their needs, before requesting I recommend looking at the IPSEA website to learn about the rights your child has under SEN law. A fully supported education would have the knock on effect of improving their behaviour at home. You can apply for Disability Living Allowance (cerebra do an excellent guide for helping with this) which would pay for any specialist sensory equipment, or even just replacements for things the child breaks.

You have to go looking for it all, but you can do it. I know because I did it all. And nobody wrote me this list out either, I had to search it all out myself.

The mother is me, if you are going to be judgemental at least don’t do it in third party… and there are two parents here….

You are absolutely right, we pity her too, we have absolutely no help in learning how to support her needs. Why do you think we feel like such terrible parents? Because we feel guilty we aren’t meeting her needs either.

I am horrified too, feeling like this is NOT easy and knowing my child probably feels worse than me right now is horrifying. Being honest and saying I’m unable to help her and cope is brutally honest. Being attacked is not easy.

I agree with the posters saying demand help, SS need to be aware of this, if it's getting worse, it's not suddenly going to get better.

You deserve all the help and support. Please take care of yourself.

What happens if you completely ignored her when she blows up? And I mean completely ignore, just leave her to it.

I am genuinely sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but if she’s fine at school you will struggle with getting a diagnosis (which it sounds to me as though she should have, btw). One of the main criteria is problems in two settings.

My kiddo is textbook ADHD at home. But no issues at school, so stop being a lazy parent mum, and goodbye.

Ross Green’s work (particularly ‘the explosive child) has been the most helpful for me. I’m looking into private diagnosis, but if they are just going to say ‘nah, school is fine,’ too, I don’t want to waste my cash.

Thank you <3

Thank you...you hit the nail on the head. I can't stand the attacks, the abuse, the pain and clear suffering she goes through when she's in her episodes. I can't stand any of it. I need the tools to help her like I can my other kids and I can't stand the fact I don't have it and feel like a terrible parent.

She gets really mad, trashes the place, scratches herself, throws things, screams. It's not safe to leave her, but we try to avoid direct contact as doing that makes her worse

:-(