Cannot stand my youngest

[covertcuddler]

Tell me I am not alone here…I know this feeling is temporary because I am at my absolute wits end….but my youngest child is actually killing me and when I am this deep in stress, I literally want to hand her over to social services. The feeling will pass, I know this and I’ll feel like the worst parent on the planet for even saying it - but this is too much for me to handle.

She may be on the spectrum. We don’t know. There’s several years waiting list for testing. But part of me thinks she isn’t and she’s just a difficult 6 year old child, especially when she’s smirking when she’s kicking off, fully aware and manipulative and also how she does this with NO ONE else.

She will suddenly refuse, anything - seatbelt, walking, being safe, not running off, not hurting people, not hurting herself. When we reinforce it with consequences, she smirks and goes against it. She loves holding us up, if we continue on regardless this makes her extremely mad. She likes control.

She full on attacks me, she tries to open car doors on the motorway, takes her seatbelt off, she trashed the house, tries to smash windows, break things, throw things, kick things. She claws at her face and arms. She claws at ours or her siblings. She punches, nips, slaps, kicks. She will wet herself in protest. She can be in a tantrum for hours and no amount of gentle parenting, time outs, consequences will work.

Some say ignore it - sorry, I don’t think ignoring her trying to put her fist through a glass door is a good idea or ignoring her scratching her eyes out, we have to keep her safe. We also live in rented accommodation and cannot possibly afford for her to just “let off steam” whilst breaking up the property.

She’s perfectly functioning when life goes her way. Has no issues at school and has plenty friends. School have no concerns.

We love her, of course, she’s our child - but we honestly cannot deal with her in those moments and have to tag team to give each other a break from the abuse.

We have tried everything we have been told, talking about emotions, finding triggers (basically the word no or anyone not doing as she asks) safe spaces, distractions, sensory / stress toys, time outs, reprimands, bear hugs, restraining etc. Nothing works. She will just come out it when it’s her time.

I genuinely don’t think we have the skills or ability to be her parents anymore and at our lowest points with her have actually thought about adoption - then our parental hormones and love kicks in, but in all honesty, I think it would be best for her. We clearly aren’t skilled to look after her and she’s obviously hating us being her parents.

I dread going anywhere with her, for fear of her kicking off and attacking me. I’m done with being beaten. I’m done with the constant migraines from the screaming. She is taking over all our lives and making us sick.…

some words of understanding would be grateful but totally expecting to be called the worst parent…

This 100%!

My child literally is not herself when she's a meltdown, she is like a different child, I have no idea who she is, how to help her, how to be her safe place - I am useless when she is like that, I can't stand it

Op, I feel so sorry for you. We love our children but we are human beings and have breaking points. I think you need to try and have me time as much as you are able to to recharge your batteries. No other advice than trying to focus on your mental health and well-being which in turn will help you return to the situation refreshed

In my recent experience, schools are getting better at understanding masking. Our Depute Head has a daughter with ASD herself and I think that helped, but there is a lot more understanding of ND now. I hope. We're in Scotland, may be different elsewhere.

She sounds a lot like my Dd was three years ago. She was diagnosed with autism and demand resistance.
I was not in a good place and my mental health was at its lowest, I just didn't know what to do and was begging someone to tell me.Even thinking about it now brings back those feeling of utter despair.
However, things now three years on are very different. I'm not saying it's plain sailing as she has autism so things can still be difficult sometimes but I have learnt how to help her fit in the world, worked out her sensory needs and how to ease them and basically I could now get her to do nearly anything I wanted with enough time.
All of that is easy to say but it's taken three years for us to get to this point and it definitely hasn't been easy.
The first thing that happened was I withdrew all demands, so she didn't brush her teeth she didn't get dressed ( spent all day in just knickers ) or brush her hair. I also stopped any punishments as they didn't work and just made her behaviour worse. So I stopped taking things away from her, without realising I was taking away all the things she was using to cope so in effect my behaviour was making the situation worse. During this time she was not going to school either as this was a big trigger for her and even though she was very well behave in school she was heavily masking which took a lot of energy and ended up in meltdowns at home.
After a while I gradually started to add very small requests back into her life but in a completely different way and wording things differently. So maybe saying" do you think it might be a good idea to brush your hair today " her automatic response to this would be NO! So I just left it but maybe asked again after an hour or two. Gradually I saw a change and instead of being her enemy who she was fighting against we became teammates fighting for the same thing. I gave her encouragement and sympathy for things she was finding difficult and we now have a very close relationship which I didn't think would be possible.
I'm sorry if all of that sounds very garbled I'm not a good writer but I just wanted to give you hope and show you there will be a way forward even if it doesn't feel like it now.
My daughter is now 12 and doing extremely well at high school and at home, we still have challenges but I can say she does clean her teeth and brush her hair and even get dressed now

Hey OP, I hear you. Many of these behaviours ring a huge bell for us. DS3 (10) is diagnosed ASD and ADHD- this combination is very, very tough. All I can say is that it can get better. DS's ADHD medications really help, and as he's gotten older he can cope more and has some recognition of his behaviour and can communicate how he feels far better. We still have flash points and days when I want to run away/ feel like the most useless parent in the world, but it is far better.

I too felt/ feel unequipped at times as I have 2 NT older DC who gave/ give me no issues. It's so hard not to compare and to mourn the easy, breezy days with NT children. It's okay to mourn sometimes, acknowledging how hard it is.

You've had some good advice on here. Breathe and keep going. 💐

@Choconut really helpful post 🤍

I wonder weather her teacher would be able to help you with this. Maybe have a meeting with her there and discuss the things infront of her. The teacher may be able to get through to her and come up with some kind of reward system if you say she has been good she could have a special privilege at school. It sound really tough. Do you ha e any respite ? Could she stay with her grandparents for a few weekends to give you a break

Pay privately to be seen earlier - take a out a loan if you have to. You can’t live like this.

If paying X amount would result in an accurate diagnosis and allow you to equip yourselves with tools to avoid melt downs it’s completely worth it.

It is very common for children with autism to be very good in school all day and then have a total meltdown when they get home. They are totally exhausted and it all has to come out somewhere.
Having a definite routine as soon as she comes in from school may help. So a pop up tent in a quite place with a soft cosy blanket and maybe her favourite soft toy. Give her her favourite snack in there and completely leave her until she emerges herself. Maybe get her when she is in good form to pick one or two things she would like in there ..like a book about her favourite aniimal/ cartoon. It's very important the other dc don't ever go in there and that it's not moved around. Maybe make a sign with her to hang on the door saying Susie's House or something like that.
The transition from school to home is extremely stressful for these children so maybe no stopping at the shop or changing the routine.
And l know this is only one half hour dealt with but it is a definite trigger point for a lot of children on the spectrum.
You have my sympathy..its a very tough road you are on.

Thank you so much for this, it's so helpful. The issue isn't where we go / routine, it's things like sitting in her seatbelt properly, people being sat next to her, someone looking at her. It's all things that really I cannot remove, control or avoid.

She also is able to do it fine lots of other times, it's just sometimes - so it comes out of the blue entirely. It's rarely at times when we are going places. Her trigger is when she decides she wants something a certain way and if we don't agree. For example, wearing a seatbelt. Sometimes she doesn't want to. Other people being in the car, we can't change that and the options / choices we present are pointless, she wants it her way or no way. Once she gets in to a meltdown, nothing brings her out except herself.

We do the prepping in advance etc - but honestly everything could change and she doesn't really care about routine . She only cares about control, which made me think maybe its anxiety as that's when kids start looking for solid boundaries and act up, but I really just need someone to figure it out so we can help her - 3year wait is insane. We have lots of videos of her, we are going to keep doing this and documenting

Thank you so much for this ❤️

This rings true, we snacks, juice, no radio/music on the way home then chill time in their own rooms / space. We have lots of stress relieving sensory, slime, play dough, fidget stuff, drawing which she all likes and goes in to her own world.

Other times anything could happen, she could ask for something we can't give or something completely out of our control and she then snaps.

Thank you, I appreciate all these in detail replies, it honestly helps knowing that it's not just me and this is so tough. Feeling total guilt now for my earlier wards, as I knew I would writing in the heat of the moment

This is a fantastic insight and perfectly written so thank you! SO glad you have found the way to be her Mum. Sometimes I feel like a complete stranger to her, it's painful, I really hope I can figure this out as I am not sure I can watch her suffering because our lack of ability much longer

I really feel for you, and could have written your post last year: DD8 has now been diagnosed with ASD, and here is what helped us:

• tell school, even if she is fine in school. Ask if they can do an early help assessment, which will help get you multi agency support. School should be concerned if one of their students is showing such extreme behaviour in any setting.
• call 999 next time she attacks you, especially if she's drawing blood. We got referred to emergency CAMHS this way, which meant that a mental health professional finally did an assessment (and was the first person to suggest ASD)
• Keep chasing the CAHMS referral: call everytime there is an escalation (eg, shes drawn blood, you've needed medical attention for injuries): CAMHS is unfortunately so backed up, you basically need to be failing to get attention. Tell them when you feel you are failing, or you feel you cant keep DD/ your family safe.
• if you can at all afford it, go private: would DD see a play or art therapist for example? Or a child psychologist, and ideally, a psychiatrist
• get whatever support you can from ASD/PDA charities, even while youre waiting for a diagnosis

Hang in there: you are not a crap parent, you are just doing this completely unsupported, which is impossible. Things are now much better with our lovely DD, now that we know how to support her

I'm sure you will work it out because your love for her shines through your writing.
I can honesty say I felt completely hopeless at times, she was violent to us and also used to damage the house if we tried to get away from her she would follow us and even try to smash through doors to hurt us.
This sounds extreme and it was extreme but it was the only way she could communicate to us how bad she was feeling. It's a pity I couldn't see that at the time.
I has to change the way I did everything and the way I thought about parenting but it paid off and we have come out the other side and im sure you will too.
Just start off slowly and don't be too hard on yourself

Spectrum for what? This sounds like Oppositional Deviant Disorder. I'm not surprised you're at the end of your tether. Her behavious is violent and destructive.

Thank you so much, this is unbelievably helpful xxx

I'm probably going to get flamed here, but...

She's fine at school, and fine when she's getting her own way!

I'd say we are kind to each other in this house, etc etc, what your expectations are. She doesn't meet them, is violent, you say you're going to your room until you stop hurting people.

She's 6, you are stronger than her. Hold the door closed. Don't give in, no matter what. Keep repeating you love her but she needs to act kindly.

Children want attention, she then needs it, lots and lots of it, when she behaves well.

Then consistency is needed.

Former teacher here, in a deprived school where children with behaviour problems were often moved into my class, and their behaviour massively improved.

How can you carry on like this? You shouldn't have to.

Thank you so much. We love her so much. I was just at breaking point earlier thinking I was no good to her and unable to manage the violence.

These posts of people who have been there are both validating and hopeful for me, I am so glad I put this post up. I really cannot wait until I have the knowledge and skills to help her. Yes the other suggestions of books are great, but unless I actually know what's wrong with her, I could be barking up the wrong tree and could end up making things worse.

I am going to keep pushing, contact school again, contact SS as I need urgent help to protect her, her siblings and us from the violence - whatever is the cause

It really could be PDA, pathological demand avoidance, as other posters have suggested. I used to support a child with PDA in a MS primary school and it was very challenging. All the usual ASD strategies are useless. Children with PDA are often very articulate and clever so their behaviours seem manipulative, but really they are hyper anxious and are seeking to control their environment to reduce their anxiety. But it comes across as wilful disobedience.

I had to be very careful to frame requests as suggestions and really talk ‘around the houses’ to get them to do any task. Things like, ‘I wonder if it would be more comfortable wearing shoes? I might put my shoes on. You’ve got some nice shoes too. Do you want any help putting them on or can you manage?’ Whereas with a child with ASD, I’d be saying. ‘First shoes on, then playtime.’ Really simplifying my language. With PDA, that doesn’t work. They need to feel in control of their own actions.

I would take up some of the suggestions from PP and try to get some specialist PDA help. And read up on it as much as you can in the meantime. My DS has ASD which seems a lot easier to work with. Good luck OP.

Really, trying different strategies isn’t going to make things worse. You’re the expert on your child, if strategies aren’t working or helping, you try something different. Sounds like what you are doing currently isn’t working too well so I can’t see the harm.

I know it sounds that simple, and I would say the same for my other kids, but it really isn't for her.

We do send her to her room to cool down, get space, but never as a punishment - we want her bedroom to be a sanctimonious place of peace and quiet, a place to relax and sleep, not punishment. But we do time out, this sometimes works - but not during a meltdown.

I'd never hold the door shut on a child, that could be incredibly scary for a child and SS would have a field day - not sure that is psychologically helpful to her at a time when she's breaking, she needs to know I'm there for her - not locking her in her room. Also - she couldn't be left in her room in a meltdown, she will hurt herself, the furniture, the walls, the door, anything - she has pulled things on top of her, it is not safe for me to leave her. Her violence is extreme. I am covered in bruises and scratches. Sometimes being in the same room and not directly looking at her helps, sometimes she just screams but when she is violent, I can't possibly leave her.

We give her lots of attention and recognise all her nice manners, happy, calm & positive moods and praise her for communicating her difficulties when she does and for coming down from a meltdown, apologising etc.

It could very easily pass off as just a child misbehaving, until you see the extreme violence and self harm - she's absolutely breaking inside when hit happens

This could be a description for my daughter!

This would work for NT children, but probably not for those with PDA.

Another vote for PDA here. My friend's son has PDA and it sounds very similar to what you describe here...