Been a mum four weeks and have already ruined everything

[yogpot]

At my wits’ end. I’ve posted before in sleep as the little bub was going hours without sleeping, and now we have a whole raft of other problems. It feels like nothing is straightforward and I feel like it must be my fault. It’s just one thing after another where I mess up my son’s life spectacularly.

We struggled with breastfeeding and have supplemented with formula from day 2 in the hospital because he wouldn’t latch which I’ve felt terrible about. The midwives wouldn’t even let me leave hospital because he wouldn’t latch which was why I asked for formula as I wanted to go home so badly after a difficult birth (emergency c section and prior cervical sweep triggered existing upset/panic attack about a prior sexual assault I experienced) so I just felt like shit from day one. When I asked to go home and pointed out they don’t need to discharge me, I’m free to leave anytime, they genuinely said they’d tell social services. Luckily I’m aware they’d be laughed off the phone reporting that and she was just stating about their duty of care in a clumsy way but it was upsetting.

We’d been giving an evening bottle the last week to allow me to sleep, my partner doing a 7-12 shift and me taking over with BF from there. We’ve recently decided to stop that as BF just wasn’t working. My baby still latches poorly and doesn’t manage to extract milk well, and it was shredding my mental health to the point I spend a lot of time scream sobbing. In comparison, when my partner gave him an evening bottle he would drink it, seem lovely and content and settle down for a good 3-4 stretch of sleep.

But I appear to have broken my baby because he will not take bottles over night. I just tried to give him a night feed and he screamed and screamed and wouldn’t take it, so I gave him the breast. He managed 5 minutes before falling asleep and won’t take anything more. The beautiful boy is sleeping on my chest right now, probably starving.

I feel like my poor choices here have messed him up. He’s confused about what he’s eating. When he eats his formula bottle (he takes them during the day/evening from my fiancé no problem) he sleeps so deep and doesn’t wake so we have to wake him to feed which worries me. When I bottle feed him, even when he takes it he cries afterwards inconsolably until I offer him the breast. He has a few minutes on the breast and goes to sleep. The crying is so bad he’s red and sweating and hoarse. If I try to breastfeed him exclusively he’ll be attached for literally three hours non stop trying to get enough and eventually gulp down a bottle from my partner. Everything I do, everything I try seems wrong and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m in a state of permanent high anxiety googling things obsessively. I just want him to be happy.

I just can’t believe that four weeks in and I’m already a shit mum. It’s breaking my heart how bad, how unnatural I am at this and I know he would be better off without me. I don’t feel like I deserve to be called his mummy. I don’t feel like a mother at all, I feel like an obstacle to his happiness and I feel like I need more expert support but I’m not even sure what to ask for and whether I should speak to my health visitor or my GP. I just want to lie down and not wake up so my poor baby boy can go find a real mummy or just be with his wonderful daddy.

The fact this has gotten to you so much proves you're a brilliant mum and care deeply for your baby.
You are NOT a shit mum, you are learning. It is hard, my start was similar to yours. I started with breast but never managed to carry on. We often had to wake our DS up for a bottle as he didn't wake for it. He never took the recommended amount of formula, no matter how much I tried. He is 2 now and absolutely fine, all be it a terrible, fussy eater!
Please contact your hv for support with feeding and maybe gp to talk about your feelings?
But I promise you, you are not shit. You're doing your best and baby is lucky to have you.

Hey your not a shit mum.

Babies like to suck for comfort.

He's only tiny, being on the boob is as much about comfort as anything. Your nice warm skin next to his, oh and the familiar thumping of your heart - nobody else's heart - he wants his mummy's the one that was his whole wide world a few weeks ago

Oh @yogpot, I'm awake and listening. The nights are so hard aren't they (and the days)? Having a new baby is like throwing a grenade into your life, I felt like this too.

Re the breastfeeding. Baby probably does want to be attached for three hours, he is cluster feeding and upping your supply. It is fine to do this. He'll also happily down a bottle after not because he's hungry but because it takes no effort to drink.

It's fine to stop breastfeeding if that's what you want.

I can tell from what you've written that you are a fantastic, caring mum who only wants the best for her boy. Please ask any questions here. I'm a mum of two.

Please also chat to your GP about how you are feeling. Your words are a bit of a flag for post natal depression, I should know as I've been there. Hang in there, it gets better. I promise.

I would try a dummy along with exclusively formula feeding - your baby boy needs a happy and rested mum. You are doing great xxx

It sounds like you would really benefit from speaking to your GP/HV about some additional support for yourself. Low mood/anxiety can make everything feel a million times worse than it is.

That aside, from a practical perspective, I just wanted to respond directly to some of what you said in relation to feeding.

When he eats his formula bottle (he takes them during the day/evening from my fiancé no problem) he sleeps so deep and doesn’t wake so we have to wake him to feed which worries me

This is perfectly normal. DS was actually quite poorly after birth and ended up back in hospital for a week. The best advice I got from one of the hospital Drs was that a hungry baby will always wake to be fed, it’s a basic survival instinct. So contrary to all the advice of the midwives and HV I’d spoken to, I stopped waking him. He continued to gain weight and I got infinitely better sleep as a result.

When I bottle feed him, even when he takes it he cries afterwards inconsolably until I offer him the breast. He has a few minutes on the breast and goes to sleep.

It’s likely that despite being technically full from the bottle, he can smell your milk which is confusing for him. Hence him only feeding for a couple of minutes more at the breast before falling asleep. There’s nothing wrong with this of course, but if you’re struggling to continue breast feeding then it’s likely to settle down as your milk dries up.

If I try to breastfeed him exclusively he’ll be attached for literally three hours non stop trying to get enough and eventually gulp down a bottle from my partner

Whilst mix feeding is possible, it’s incredibly hard work to establish effectively, particularly if you’ve been supplementing with formula from day one. It’s likely your milk supply has been affected by this, so your baby is feeding longer to try and establish your supply.

There really are no wrong answers here OP, so go easy on yourself.

You are NOT a shit mum. You have not messed anything up, I promise.

Feeding a new baby is a kind of deep, primal urge - need - that new mothers have. Breastfeeding can be incredibly difficult and confusing. That you are getting hysterically upset doesn’t make you a bad mum. This is a hard time.

It is fine to stop breastfeeding and only offer formula if that’s what you want. But know that it is also normal for newborns to feed for literally hours - this is cluster feeding, it’s designed to up your supply and also allows your baby to stay in his favourite place, where he is safe, for prolonged periods.

Is your baby gaining weight?

Honestly you have not broken the baby! If he was starving he would not be asleep on you, he would be screaming.

Breastfeeding just didn't work for me and my eldest so we switched to formula early on. I felt rubbish about it as all the new mums around me were BF beautifully. But guess what? 16 years on nobody cares. Lots of babies don't BF at all.

Please speak to your MW / HV. I had feelings like you about failing baby. I can see now it was a bit of PND but at the time o just soldiered through feeling rubbish and not telling anyone.

I now have two amazing teens who somehow have thrived despite me not knowing what I was doing all those years ago.

From someone who is struggling to breastfeed their 5 week old (not supply, just reliant on shields and poor latch) ...

You are not a shit mum. You haven't broken him. He's a person and doesn't come with an instruction manual. You're both muddling through and trying to learn a new skill. This is all completely massively fucking hard. You're trying and you've kept trying and that does not make you a shit mum by any stretch. Nor would you be if you kept feeding him exclusively formula.

It sounds like what he wants from you is closeness. Can you express and feed him that way?

Have you tried giving him a dummy dipped in formula straight after he has been winded after his bottle? It will be tough but maybe just go cold turkey from the breast feeding. Also its early days and baby blues are common and nothing to be afraid of so definitely have a chat with your go or health visitor. Get some ear plugs and sleep while your husband is doing his shift of baby care. Time flies and so what if your house is messy etc for a while. I took weeks to bond with my middle child who didn't sleep well and didn't like breast or bottle and it is exhausting and draining mentally, physically and emotionally. You are worrying about him and caring for him and that makes you a brilliant mum. Take any help offered from friends and family and do speak to tour gp or health visitor. You are not crap and you have not broken tour baby xx

You wouldn’t care this much of you were a shit mum. You obviously love your baby and would do anything for him. You’re an amazing mum. Those first months are hard,. It gets easier.

are you sure he’s not getting anything from you? It sounds to me like he’s cluster feeding. My baby was on me constantly, I mean for hours and hours on end, mini sleep, then more feeding nonstop in those first couple months. It’s called cluster feeding to establish your milk supply. It’s completely normal. But of course switching to formula is fine too.

Please speak to your HV or GP about how you’re feeling. But the constant feeding is normal and healthy. And your definitely not a shit mum. You’re doing everything for your boy and you’re amazing. 💐

Another vote for a dummy too. With my first, I was desperate to avoid them because the midwives were so anti them. Gave him a dummy and he was happy as anything and su got much more rest which makes everything seem so much brighter.

Oh to add- dummy and nipple shields were life changing!

You are NOT a shit mum.

If I said that many women who breastfeed have their baby at their breast for an hour (or three!) when they’re newborns, would that make you feel less shit? As others have said it’s cluster feeding and upping your milk supply.

Flip the way you look at it - baby only wants you & your boob at night - baby has bonded so much with you. You are a great mum. Baby doesn’t want to take a bottle from you because he loves breastfeeding from you and that’s his preference. Totally normal.

What is wrong with baby breastfeeding to sleep? Again, normal.. When he’s a bit older you’ll realise that breastfeeding to sleep is a superpower compared to babies who can’t get their baby to sleep. If he was starving he wouldn’t he asleep. He is comforted.

If you think he is struggling to latch or to get much supply from your boob, try using nipple shields. You can get them from amazon or the supermarket. Game changers for babies who are used to a bottle nib/find latching hard work. And NO, it wouldn’t make you a bad mum. I used nipple shields for both of mine at birth (tongue tie) - they stop needing them in their own time, and I fed them both to toddlers.

Incidentally, has baby been checked for tongue and lip tie? There are independent practitioners who can do it and even snip it for baby if needed. It sounds like a possibility from what you’ve said.

I’m sorry you have been so very let down by the midwives and health visitors.

I’m sure he gets very little at the breast. His latch is poor, he only actively sucks for a few minutes and rarely swallows. He has never had a feed that seems normal - people often mention cluster feeding, but he exclusively cluster feeds if that’s the case. We did manage one week exclusively breastfed and it didn’t improve. He would be on the breast about 18 hours a day and never seemed content or satisfied. He does seem content and satisfied after his evening bottles. He’s a different baby. He actually sleeps.

But now if he has bottles outside the shift my fiancé does, there’s a good chance he’ll scream and cry after. And nothing consoles him except the boob. Sometimes putting him in the sling works. Neither feeding approach works, we’re in some twilight limbo. Both bottles and breast seed to fail. He’s fussing on me right now and has been since 4am since he wouldn’t take bottle, would only take minimal breast and is thrashing around grunting on me, occasionally passing out from sheer exhaustion I assume. Have offered breast again but he will suck half heartedly for a minute and fall off. So he hasn’t really eaten properly since midnight.

He gained his birthweight back by day 5, and was still gaining lots at my discharge appointment two weeks ago but hasn’t been weighed since so I’m panicking he’s stopped gaining. He’s grown out of some onesies since then so I’m hoping he has gained. Local clinic doesn’t run every week so I can’t check til next week.

I wish I had bottle fed from the beginning. I have failed him so unbelievably badly. I didn’t manage to give birth vaginally as he was distressed and I feel I contributed to that as I couldn’t get into the calm mindset after the cervical sweep. I was just panicking and I feel like I haven’t stopped since. I’m starving my beautiful baby. He is so unhappy and I just don’t know what to do.

Try nipple shields and see a breastfeeding consultant, or a breastfeeding cafe for drop-in support. You need reassurance more than anything.

If he only took in milk during your fiances bottle shift each day he wouldn’t have gained weight. You aren’t starving him.

@Zonder how did you transition from BF to formula? I can’t find any info on how to do it online and like I said, when I give him formula he often won’t settle on it. It’s like nothing works!

@InBlue Where I live I don’t seem to have access to any consultants (rural SW), I have looked and I can’t find any. I went to a drop in peer support group, but he of course fed perfectly at the time (one of the only times he has!) and no one had much advice for me really. It was more of a social thing - which was nice, but not helpful. These issues have only really got bad in the last two weeks and so if his weight gain has stalled we wouldn’t know. He hasn’t been weighed since we began the night shift thing.

Whoah please be kind to yourself - you’ve just given birth and you are a jumble of hormones.
I had an emergency c section - did you have much labour? Labour triggers the hormones for milk production and as I did not have much labour I struggled with that. My son also had latch issues and your breast need stimulation to make milk so latch issues can make things harder. Maybe he is screaming due to sucking in air and has colic?
anyway why not express and then you can see what you have an bottle feed him?
you are struggling after the first feed / sleep because he is so tired he is going into a deep sleep for four hours and is not sleepy enough to return to sleep.
I used to dream feed my kids when asleep and it worked well - pick him up after about 3.5 hrs of sleep (or 30mins before he is expected to wake) and touch the bottle nib to his lip and he’ll open his mouth in his sleep. Wind him and put him back to bed. The milk will keep him sleepy.
be kind to yourself
also both of you would benefit from cranial oesto emergency C’s can be hard on the body for mum and baby

If he's growing out of some of his onesies by now then he's definitely putting on weight and doing just fine.

And you're doing just fine, you really are! Most babies fuss and cry at times - there's often no rhyme or reason to it, and having a newborn is trial and error because every baby is different. You just have to find what works best for you and your baby - and that's exactly what you're doing.

Please go easy on yourself. Your baby is feeding and sleeping, sometimes - that's about all you can hope for this early on! Just look after yourself too.

I wonder of he won't take a bottle from you because he can smell your milk and associates you with breast feeding. Could your partner do a full 24/48 hrs of feeds to establish bottle feeding? Then you slip back into the routine? Ypu said he settles in sling sometimes making me think he's going to breast for comfort. Try a dummy. Also, you could try feeding him in his rocking chair or propped next to you. Basically just trying to keep him away from the milk source/smell

You've done absolutely nothing wrong. These early day's are hard work. I couldn't believe that I bought a pram and car seat and had page's and pages of instructions... was handed my baby with nothing!!!!

Honestly you're doing a brilliant job. I would speak to the hv as the birth sounds traumatic and its always worth speaking to someone.

I think it's worth trying to go back to the peer support group for some in person support. It's sod's law that he fed perfectly when you went there isn't it?! But if you go back, there may be different people who are a bit more proactive with advice, and someone may help you to figure out the issue in person in a way that we can't over the internet. I found it made a huge difference when my oldest wouldn't latch, but it was going a few times and speaking to different people that helped.

Also I'm really sorry your birth was difficult and triggering of previous assault, is there any support you could get for that, over the phone maybe? Of course your focus is understandably on your baby, but you just went through something really hard. It's important to look after yourself too, and you are doing an amazing job, it's just that these first weeks can be so difficult - it's not you!

You have not broken your baby and you are not a shit mum, promise! You wouldn't care about any of this if you were a shit mum.

I would strongly recommend speaking with a feeding consultant if you can afford to do so - a lot of them will do Zoom calls if you're remote and they can't get to you. I had advice from a lovely lady called Josie Routley and she was fab. A good consultant will be able to help you with bottle transition too if that's what you want to do, they shouldn't just push you to continue breastfeeding if that's genuinely not what you want (but if you do, they'll be able to give you advice on that too).

I'd also try and get your baby weighed if you can, I found it massively reassuring to know that yes, he was putting on weight so no, he wasn't starving. And if there is a problem, having this data will help you access support.

It's quite possible that what you're describing is not an inherent feeding issue but something else like colickiness - a lot of the unsettled behaviour you're describing sounds a lot like my son who was pretty colicky. It's often worst in the evenings and at night. Others have suggested a dummy and I would second this - the sucking action can often help soothe them and can also help with gad pains.

Finally I'd suggest speaking with your HV about how you're feeling - the kind of thoughts you're having sound like you're very low and, whether it's PPD or simply the stresses of what you're going through, some support with your MH is never a bad thing.

Best of luck with everything OP - even if it doesn't feel like it, I promise you that you're doing a great job. ❤

You are not a shit mum! You say he's fine with formula in the day but not in the evening, is it possible he has colic? A shit mum wouldn't be writing any of this. I opted for a section despite 2 normal births because I was scared! You haven't failed if you have a section. Women have been having birthing issues for decades. The only difference is now there is medical intervention. Back then they died. Xx

Also just one more thing... if ypu don't feel breast feeding is for you anymore that's OK. I remember switching from breast to bottle.and feeling a sense of failure (not saying you're feeling this) but ultimately for my mental health (diagnosed and medicated for anxiety) worrying about feeding took over everything else. In the end I needed to bottle feed. It's as simple as that. I didn't have the head space to try and make the breast feeding situation better.

You might be totally different and be able to persevere but just wanted to reassure. So whatever happens know that you're doing your best for your baby.

You are most definitely not a shit mum and you have definitely not broken your baby!
You have just given birth and you're learning as you go along, just like the rest of us did.

I gave up breastfeeding very early on because I just couldn't make it work and I honestly never looked back.

My first child also had colic and would cry/scream from mid-afternoon to his late night feed. It was hell.

I'd suggest talking to your HV and GP.

You sound like an amazing, loving, caring mum. You're doing great