Been a mum four weeks and have already ruined everything

[yogpot]

At my wits’ end. I’ve posted before in sleep as the little bub was going hours without sleeping, and now we have a whole raft of other problems. It feels like nothing is straightforward and I feel like it must be my fault. It’s just one thing after another where I mess up my son’s life spectacularly.

We struggled with breastfeeding and have supplemented with formula from day 2 in the hospital because he wouldn’t latch which I’ve felt terrible about. The midwives wouldn’t even let me leave hospital because he wouldn’t latch which was why I asked for formula as I wanted to go home so badly after a difficult birth (emergency c section and prior cervical sweep triggered existing upset/panic attack about a prior sexual assault I experienced) so I just felt like shit from day one. When I asked to go home and pointed out they don’t need to discharge me, I’m free to leave anytime, they genuinely said they’d tell social services. Luckily I’m aware they’d be laughed off the phone reporting that and she was just stating about their duty of care in a clumsy way but it was upsetting.

We’d been giving an evening bottle the last week to allow me to sleep, my partner doing a 7-12 shift and me taking over with BF from there. We’ve recently decided to stop that as BF just wasn’t working. My baby still latches poorly and doesn’t manage to extract milk well, and it was shredding my mental health to the point I spend a lot of time scream sobbing. In comparison, when my partner gave him an evening bottle he would drink it, seem lovely and content and settle down for a good 3-4 stretch of sleep.

But I appear to have broken my baby because he will not take bottles over night. I just tried to give him a night feed and he screamed and screamed and wouldn’t take it, so I gave him the breast. He managed 5 minutes before falling asleep and won’t take anything more. The beautiful boy is sleeping on my chest right now, probably starving.

I feel like my poor choices here have messed him up. He’s confused about what he’s eating. When he eats his formula bottle (he takes them during the day/evening from my fiancé no problem) he sleeps so deep and doesn’t wake so we have to wake him to feed which worries me. When I bottle feed him, even when he takes it he cries afterwards inconsolably until I offer him the breast. He has a few minutes on the breast and goes to sleep. The crying is so bad he’s red and sweating and hoarse. If I try to breastfeed him exclusively he’ll be attached for literally three hours non stop trying to get enough and eventually gulp down a bottle from my partner. Everything I do, everything I try seems wrong and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m in a state of permanent high anxiety googling things obsessively. I just want him to be happy.

I just can’t believe that four weeks in and I’m already a shit mum. It’s breaking my heart how bad, how unnatural I am at this and I know he would be better off without me. I don’t feel like I deserve to be called his mummy. I don’t feel like a mother at all, I feel like an obstacle to his happiness and I feel like I need more expert support but I’m not even sure what to ask for and whether I should speak to my health visitor or my GP. I just want to lie down and not wake up so my poor baby boy can go find a real mummy or just be with his wonderful daddy.

OP - as others have said, the fact you care so deeply for your sweet little boy is proof enough that you are an amazing mother.

Your story sounds similar to mine in many aspects. I even made a post on MN about how depressed I was at not being able to breast feed. We managed 6-8 weeks before I gave up and exclusively formula fed. It was the best decision I ever made. My DS is now 12 months old and absolutely thriving. A happy, rested mum is all your baby needs.

It seems that combination feeding might not be working for you (it didn’t work for us either) so maybe you can focus your efforts on either EBF or EFF.

Its hard to tell if baby is getting enough milk through BF but it sounds like he is cluster feeding. Maybe a lactation consultant can help you with your feeding techniques?

It’s all a learning curve. As mothers, we often feel inadequate and put so much pressure on ourselves. But one day you will look back at this time and only think of the fond memories you have. That was the case for me anyway.

Wishing you and baby all the best.

Even if he sleeps for five, six hours? God I’m so sorry for being so pathetic - I don’t really have anyone to ask! My mum is full of full on wacky ideas with babies, she had me on solids at six weeks (!!) so I’m not comfortable asking her. But I guess logically if he was hungry, he would let me know? It’s so hard to identify what is my mad anxiety speaking and what is genuinely something to be concerned about.

Just commenting to say you are absolutely NOT a shit mum
not all mums can breastfeed and it’s ok, it’s more than ok!

not all babies feed well either in the early stages, it could be the bottle teats, it could be the type of formula, they could be colicky or have allergies. It’s a minefield and really stressful but you will figure it out

try and speak to other mums and your midwife/health visitor as much as possible and don’t be so hard on yourself xx

I appreciate you are sleep deprived, but you are winding yourself up over nothing here.

your baby is not asleep and starving - babies don’t go to sleep hungry. If your bub is asleep, his tummy is full. You can relax over that, he’s happy.

He is growing out of onesies - still clearly gaining weight.

He will take a bottle from his dad but won’t take a bottle from you and wants breast instead - you are his mummy, your breast is uniquely comforting completely aside from the food content. He feels bonded to you when he has your breast. DS would never take a bottle if I was even in the same room - babies aren’t stupid and know if there is a better option available, and mummy will always win out over a bottle. Totally normal. DS would want breast if I walked into the room straight after he finished a bottle. It’s comfort.

Feeding for three hours - also totally normal, check your latch is ok, and if it is, he is doing it for comfort (cluster feeding). It will improve over the next few weeks (everything clicked for us at about 12 weeks). This is what early breastfeeding is like, and why the first three months are called the “fourth trimester” - your baby basically wants to be glued to you until they are about 12 weeks old. Your baby will start smiling at you fairly soon, and it will become a lot more obvious that he just really really loves being latched onto you for its own sake, honestly unrelated to how hungry he is.

If you can stop stressing and beating yourself up, and embrace the idea that your baby is basically wants to be part of you 24/7 for the time being, the first few months can be pretty blissful.

Didn’t want to scroll past without saying ‘you are doing an amazing job’. Your baby is fed and loved and that’s all that matters. I struggled to bf and it took me ages to get over the guilt. I now have a happy robust 4 year old who is due to start school.

Take each day as it comes and don’t be afraid to ask for help (midwives, health visitor, GP) xxx

Enjoy the sleep yourself.

My DD was EBF and by 8 weeks old was regularly sleeping 10pm to 5am. It was bliss. She was a proper unicorn baby in that respect. My eldest wasn't like that at all.

There is a really good book called your baby week by week that you might like. Very easy to read and use. It literally tells you what to expect each week in the first 6 months of life. Very non judgemental and has information about breast and bottle feeding. It also has a section about what's happening to you each week and when to chat to your doctor.

Ah well done today! He’s sleeping, he’s filling nappies, and he’s feeding. Winner winner all round.

definitely call GP or midwife tomorrow and ask for help from the perinatal mental health team for the anxiety, but also don’t be too scared of your brain: despite the fears it keeps feeding you, you’re continuing to do a great job. You are safe, baby is safe and nurtured and loved, and your negative thoughts are thoughts, not facts, and can be dealt with with the right support. Keep treating yourself with the respect you deserve. Look at your baby: you made that. The person that made that perfection deserves to be worshipped 👍🏼

Ah so glad to hear things are going better!

I didn't know you were meant to wake up newborns to feed so my eldest lost loads of weight and we had formula top ups pushed on us.

When we got rid of the tops ups, DC1 was pooing loads and it was really runny. I took her to the GP and it took us ages to figure out it was because formula bungs them up more, so do expect changes in that department. It's very different.

Unfortunately you do need to still wake them for feeds at that age.

@suzyscat you really don't unless they're not putting on weight.

Big hugs 🤗 it’s so hard and you’re doing amazing! Wonderful. Honestly you need to go easy on yourself.

@Russell19 agreed. I think misunderstood the OP and thought the babies weight gain was still being monitored. IIRC you're still supposed to wake them at that point if they haven't gained enough birthweight back, but after that you're good to let them sleep.

I never ever woke mine to feed them, they'll let you know when they're hungry

You sound like a great mum to me. It's bloody hard but does get easier

Oh bless you. You haven’t done anything wrong! Things will get easier, but I remember this feeling well.

Mine wouldn’t latch either. Midwives also tried to delay my “release”, they even wheeled in a pump which was humiliating as I wasn’t even producing milk at that stage, just enough colostrum to hand express and syringe to baby.

We combi fed and I pumped. The HV told me that my baby was small and my boobs were probably just “too big” for him to get to grips with (I’m a D cup) - I now know how untrue that is but because I was producing milk, there was no help for me from any specialists. I wish I knew that there was help available back then.

If you want to breast feed, there are usually community centres and drop in clinics that can help you get it going.

Op if he sleeps 5-6 hours pat yourself on the back and enjoy your sleep!!!
You really are doing amazing.

Please go back to the Breastfeeding support group even if it is just for the chat. The mums with slightly older babies will help with their knowledge and experience.

One thing to watch out for BF babies once they get to 6 weekish often go days without a 💩 then you'll get a massive poop that is likely to end up everywhere.

It will get better your doing great !