Been a mum four weeks and have already ruined everything

[yogpot]

At my wits’ end. I’ve posted before in sleep as the little bub was going hours without sleeping, and now we have a whole raft of other problems. It feels like nothing is straightforward and I feel like it must be my fault. It’s just one thing after another where I mess up my son’s life spectacularly.

We struggled with breastfeeding and have supplemented with formula from day 2 in the hospital because he wouldn’t latch which I’ve felt terrible about. The midwives wouldn’t even let me leave hospital because he wouldn’t latch which was why I asked for formula as I wanted to go home so badly after a difficult birth (emergency c section and prior cervical sweep triggered existing upset/panic attack about a prior sexual assault I experienced) so I just felt like shit from day one. When I asked to go home and pointed out they don’t need to discharge me, I’m free to leave anytime, they genuinely said they’d tell social services. Luckily I’m aware they’d be laughed off the phone reporting that and she was just stating about their duty of care in a clumsy way but it was upsetting.

We’d been giving an evening bottle the last week to allow me to sleep, my partner doing a 7-12 shift and me taking over with BF from there. We’ve recently decided to stop that as BF just wasn’t working. My baby still latches poorly and doesn’t manage to extract milk well, and it was shredding my mental health to the point I spend a lot of time scream sobbing. In comparison, when my partner gave him an evening bottle he would drink it, seem lovely and content and settle down for a good 3-4 stretch of sleep.

But I appear to have broken my baby because he will not take bottles over night. I just tried to give him a night feed and he screamed and screamed and wouldn’t take it, so I gave him the breast. He managed 5 minutes before falling asleep and won’t take anything more. The beautiful boy is sleeping on my chest right now, probably starving.

I feel like my poor choices here have messed him up. He’s confused about what he’s eating. When he eats his formula bottle (he takes them during the day/evening from my fiancé no problem) he sleeps so deep and doesn’t wake so we have to wake him to feed which worries me. When I bottle feed him, even when he takes it he cries afterwards inconsolably until I offer him the breast. He has a few minutes on the breast and goes to sleep. The crying is so bad he’s red and sweating and hoarse. If I try to breastfeed him exclusively he’ll be attached for literally three hours non stop trying to get enough and eventually gulp down a bottle from my partner. Everything I do, everything I try seems wrong and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m in a state of permanent high anxiety googling things obsessively. I just want him to be happy.

I just can’t believe that four weeks in and I’m already a shit mum. It’s breaking my heart how bad, how unnatural I am at this and I know he would be better off without me. I don’t feel like I deserve to be called his mummy. I don’t feel like a mother at all, I feel like an obstacle to his happiness and I feel like I need more expert support but I’m not even sure what to ask for and whether I should speak to my health visitor or my GP. I just want to lie down and not wake up so my poor baby boy can go find a real mummy or just be with his wonderful daddy.

You’re doing great. A newborn baby is really hard work!! Two suggestions: (1) Try to either breast feed or bottle feed - not both. For such a young baby, it’s tricky for them to switch between the two. If breast feeding doesn’t work for you, that is fine. (2). Get a health visitor / nurse to check your baby for tongue tie. A simple problem, easy to fix, but messes up feeding when you’re doing everything right.
You will be OK! Sleep deprivation and having a newborn baby is tough.

i don’t have much to add but just wanted to say….please be kind to yourself. This period after a baby is born can be so hard, tiring and emotional for some people. You ARE a good mum, babies just cry and some cry more than others. My son was the same and I remember it upset me so much and a lot of that was centred around feeding too (turned out he had a tongue tie).

Remember him crying isn’t a sign you are a bad mum. Some babies just cry more than others. It sounds like you’re doing all you can to help him settle. It’s not unusual for babies to settle more with dads either when BFing.

Please take care of yourself and know that, although it doesn’t feel like it, this period will end and in a few weeks/months this period of difficulty will feel a million miles away. Just do whatever helps you to get through it.

What part of the SW are you in? Asking because I’m near Somerset/Wiltshire boarder and know several feeding/baby support groups/individuals.

I have nothing but hugs for you. You are not a shit mum. I promise this time will pass even though it feels like it won't. Definitely get some help and support from everyone you can.

I was told at the hospital he most certainly doesn’t have tongue tie, and he does seem to have no issues sticking his tongue right out - I’ve seen him do it when rooting (it’s very cute).

I’m really torn about what to do. My heart desperately wants to breastfeed him, I love that it comforts him, but my head (and my partner, albeit more gently) is telling me I’m not well enough to pursue the breastfeeding and that it’s not working.

I’m going to call the HV today and ask for advice on what to do, as I feel incredibly lost. I’m now doubting even trying to start him on exclusively being formula fed as it sounds as if breastfeeding was working as it should - I just wasn’t aware of what BF would look like. I thought cluster feeding came in phases and wasn’t constant. Now I am worried I couldn’t find my way back to EBF and that I’ll regret that. It was the one thing I really wanted to do.

I will also ring the GP as I think you are all right that my mood isn’t in the best place. I have an anxiety diagnosis anyway, but this feels much darker than my usual anxious thought patterns, it feels more insidious and self destructive and more like depression/self loathing. I truly feel he would be better off if I wasn’t here and wasn’t his mum, and intellectually I know that isn’t true but I believe it to my core and it’s eating me up.

I will also stop waking him for food. I thought he needed to eat every four hours minimum so I’ve been sticking to that (well I’ve been feeding responsively but if it ever gets to four hours without a feed I’ve introduced one).

I really really wanted to breastfeed too. And I couldn’t. I felt like a failure, but my mental health was shot and I needed to stop.

My “baby” is 7 now and absolutely perfect in every way.

You are not doing this “wrong”, there is no rule book. You sound like an amazing mum, really thoughtful and caring, but you matter too and if breastfeeding isn’t working this time then it’s ok to stop x

I'd also go back to that peer support group as well. Having other new mums around can really help sometimes.

It's great you'll chat to the GP and HV. Once you've done that make your choice about breast or bottle. Formula is great, but I'm sensing it might not be the panacea you're looking for. It could be that combination or EBF would be better for all of you, but you're not in the right headspace to make the final choice yet.

That sounds like a good plan!
Not sure if I've missed if you have any other children to make this difficult, but could you spend a couple of days purely in bed/sofa, loads of water and snacks and just do skin to skin and let baby feed as much as they want? Babies fuss so much around the 6-8 week mark and are usually upping the supply! You shouldn't really follow a schedule with a breastfed baby, it's more on demand, so they'll take as much or little as they need.

When you say they don't latch properly, how does it feel - is it painful? Do they take a good mouthful of breast? Have you had support with positioning? Best bit of advice I was given was "chin to skin" so pull baby's legs around under your arm so they almost have to reach for the nipple and open wide, then latch them into the breast, chin first. Not nipple to nose like used to be taught.
It really is so hard at the beginning. I've been on both sides- fed my eldest until nearly 3 through tongue tie etc, but my latest, I just couldn't do it! Constant weight loss so went to formula at 5 weeks. Xxx

You've had some fabulous advice already - so my only piece to you would be to BE KIND TO YOURSELF! You are NOT a bad mother, you haven't broken your baby and your care and love for him ooze out of your posts. The GP and the HV should help you - please go back to them for support.

(I have four children - when I had my final baby, I was left to it on the post natal ward because '' you know what you are doing''. I cried pretty much for 24 hours solid because I couldn't get him to latch or stop screaming - I'm sure they discharged me just to get the ward quieter...the point is, that even those of us who were supposed to know what we were doing, haven't got a clue when faced with a tiny individual who has just arrived - they are all different and you have to figure it out together. You WILL do so, he will settle down, he won't starve himself - and it DOES get easier.)

Most importantly, you're not a shit mum. And if you're genuinely feeling like you are then you should go to your GP and talk about how you're feeling. What you're describing sounds like PND and it's very difficult to recognise it in yourself.

If you wanted to continue with breastfeeding then the constant cluster feeding would be not unusual at this age, and posters here could get you some links for finding a lactation consultant.

But if you want to switch to exclusive formula feeding (which it sounds as though you do) then your partner probably needs to do all the night feeds for a while (few days to a week) to establish that this is how it's going to be.

You are absolutely not a shit mum. You sound like a mum who really cares about her baby.

If you want to keep going with breastfeeding then I’d recommend seeing an IBCLC. Even if there isn’t one near you loads do video consults now. I’ve seen one with my second and honestly just having someone who has the time to properly LISTEN to me was amazing.

Alternatively if you want to stop breastfeeding then do. Breastfeeding doesn’t make you a better mum than formula feeding. I agree with PPs that it’s probably more about comfort in the night, you could try a skin to skin cuddle instead (or just let him feed for comfort if it’s not painful for you?)

The stuff about your birth won’t be affecting your baby but it sounds like it might be helpful for you to have a birth debrief with the midwives?

New babies are so hard and nothing really prepares you for it. You’re doing really well.

OP you sound SO tired. It makes everything seem so awful and intense. It is normal, it does pass, but taking every tiny thing out on yourself is a recipe for disaster. You have not failed or broken him, I promise. Some help from your GP sounds like a good start.

Firstly, find out when and where your local clinic is for weighing and start going. Breasts don't have measures but it sounds to me like he is taking milk - a 4w old getting regular bottles is still giving you feeding cues. A full baby will still usually take formula, not because of hunger but out of reflex. The regular weight check will help settle your mind.

The cluster feeding is normal. At night your milk is full of sleep hormones too. That's a good thing! Formula is much harder to digest which is why they tend to sleep more deeply after. BM is lighter and with such tiny stomachs means little and often is often the way.

You can stop. A few more days of exclusive bottles and he will stop rooting and being unsettled as your milk goes. You can. BUT it sounds very much to me like you want to continue and honestly I think from your posts you would regret stopping. He doesn't need to be EBF to get the benefit. Your partner doing the late shift with a bottle is a great idea. IF you want to try continuing, set yourself a goal and a time frame.

Try for a week say. Spend as much time as you can skin to skin. Monitor his output, wet and dirty nappies, and remember that BM is extremely efficient so output needs to be regular but not massive! Weigh regularly, and try to relax. Babies often sense their mothers stress and anxiety and can become a little jumpier. Make up a bottle so you can just switch if you need to and take the pressure off but remember every feed, however short, is creating future supply, and that his latch will improve with practice and as his mouth grows.

Your are NOT a shit mum.. You actually sound really lovely. The first few weeks (after a very traumatic birth) are by far the most difficult parenting days ever. I still (16 years later) can feel a shudder of recognition.

I was the same, traumatised, breast feeding not working and high high anxiety. it took a few months to settle down and i had to go to couciling to help with.

BUT... It settled down and i have absolutely loved the adventure of parenthood since and my lovely kind 16 year is sitting beside me.

Breath... Keep breathing.. . Ask for help from GP friends etc. And keep asking! .. post natal depression extremely common after traumatic birth so keep an eye on that.. All will be well though!

Sorry not very coherent advice but rushing and wanted to post something .. Sending lots love, xxxxxxxxx

If formula is making him happy, then I would go with that personally. It's also perfectly fine to carry on as you are or try to EBF again. In my (limited) experience, he wouldn't be refusing the bottle if he was starving.

@yogpot That sounds like a very good plan. Massive kudos on managing to make a plan! The exhaustion at this stage is hard to imagine if you've not been there. You're doing a great job.

@yogpot you asked how I transitioned to ff - with my eldest he just wouldn't bf and loved ff so it was easy. With my youngest I did a combination. I think you could do this. FF when he is up for it and bf for his comfort. That's absolutely fine.

I have failed him so unbelievably badly. I didn’t manage to give birth vaginally as he was distressed and I feel I contributed to that as I couldn’t get into the calm mindset after the cervical sweep

This is so not true. But I remember feeling similar. Honestly I wanted natural births and got 2 sections. It is what it is and baby will never care. My two are absolutely no worse off for being born by section and they would have no idea if I hadn't told them.

You're still in a new born fog. You will be fine and so will baby. What you're doing is working but you need a bit of help for your moods. Baby will be fine and clearly already is. Honestly I wish I'd realised I was doing a good job when I thought I was being rubbish.

Oh love please get some help for your mental health as an absolute priority. Your baby loves and needs you!

You are not failing him, you haven't fucked up.

You've never done this before, how are you supposed to know exactly what to do and how? You're not psychic! All first time mums are just doing the best they can, and some have a set of circumstances which means it's a bit harder.

But you are doing a fantastic job, it's clear how much you love your sweet boy from your posts.

A consultation with an IBCLC would be the best thing for you, especially if you find one who is very pragmatic about doing what's best for you. If you want to breastfeed, you breastfeed for as long as you want to and as long as it's working for both you and your baby. And if it's not, that's ok. You matter too. You can have zoom consultations if you can't find one close enough, but do have a search online.

In the interim, have you heard of a supplemental nursing system? It's a bottle that has the supplement milk in it that is attached to your nipple with a thin tube, so when he sucks he's getting his formula while breastfeeding. It can be a great way of getting a needed supplement in to a baby who prefers the breast, and it can help to increase supply due to extra stimulation.

It might be a great solution for you if he loves breastfeeding but still needs formula and doesn't take a bottle when you're the one trying to give it. Medela make one, we used one for months as I had a very low supply due to my breasts not developing properly during puberty.

Whatever happens with your feeding journey, be kinder to yourself. You've been thrown in to a role you've had no experience or training for, have been emotionally and physically through the ringer and dealing with this little person who you love more than anything who is upset and struggling. It's a lot to deal with!

Also see if your hospital have a perinatal team- don't underestimate the effect birth can have on resurfacing past experiences with sexual assault. I'm on my second pregnancy now and it's something I'm struggling with even more this time around.

Babies are difficult there is no way around it and if people say they had an easy baby it’s probably because they have blocked a lot of the bad stuff out.

I was advised to BF and formula feed simultaneously but it just didn’t work.

At the time I felt I had failed my child for not breast feeding as long as I’d have liked to but if I could go back I wouldn’t feel guilty at all.

I think if you can BF for the first 72 hours then great!

But if BF is difficult then just stop doing it and completely bottle feed.

There pros of breast milk are going to be outweighed if you’re stressed, baby isn’t latching etc so just be kind on yourself and formula feed.

Suggestion: look at a supplemental nursing system. Medela do one. They are also called At-breast supplementers. I've a friend who used one for both babies. It gives you the benefits of both. She made her own but you can buy them. She used donated milk, formula and sometimes a mix of both.

Re Tongue tie - I don't trust anyone but a tongue tie consultant. All midwives, HV, doctors said it was fine. My breastfeeding time went from eight hours a day to three and a half. Posterior tongue tie affects breastfeeding badly.

Get some face to face help, OP. If you can afford it, a private IBCLC - a session is usually £150ish and they will come to your house to watch a feed and assist. If you can't afford it, look for local peer support, badger your HV for referrals to infant feeding team. If breastfeeding is important to you then this is the most difficult bit. Once you get over the hump, it almost always gets dramatically better and easier.

I've struggled with both of mine and thought around the 3-week point we would have to give up, but in the end we made it through and it became plain sailing.

There's no shame in stopping BFing at all but it doesn't sound like you really want to yet, so exhaust the help you can access. Maybe just try a different teat too. My newborn DD had some top up bottles to start and she started with one teat fine and then developed a hatred for it so we switched to a different kind and she was fine again.

Really glad you’re going to contact the GP. It is so normal for anxiety to spiral postnatally because the rushes of hormones through your brain are enormous, you’re not broken, just human.

on top of which, you’re dealing with the after effects of birth trauma. This bit stuck out to me “I didn’t manage to give birth vaginally as he was distressed and I feel I contributed to that as I couldn’t get into the calm mindset after the cervical sweep.” - it was not your fault . Honestly, I did hypnobirthing, had a lovely calm environment, sister and husband supporting me, fairy lights, warm water, breathing exercises and guess what? Crashed down to theatre for a really traumatic emergency delivery under epidural because baby was stuck and distressed. Birth is not textbook, it’s dangerous and unpredictable and it’s not a personal failing to deliver in a way that isn’t physiological unassisted vaginal birth.

At some point you could ask to go over your labour notes with a midwife - I think it’s called ‘birth reflections’. I did this a few months after and it really helped me come to terms with our experience as well as correcting some of my misconceptions (eg I’d thought it had been ages in theatre with forceps and baby losing oxygen, but in reality he was out in 2 contractions).

you’ve had good advice about feeding here already but I think if you do want to carry on with breast it’s about just doing that for a bit, lots of skin to skin and settle into baby’s rhythm (cluster feeding will be intense while he ups your supply). You mentioned your partner suggesting you’re not mentally strong enough - if this is the case absolutely stop, guilt free but if you do want to bf allow him to take the rest of the load (nappies, laundry, cooking, housework, shopping etc) for a while and just feed and sleep. For me after a tricky birth feeding massively helped my mental health. In practical terms if carrying on, eat all the calories all the time and stay hydrated. It takes insane amounts of fuel early days!

You’re doing great. Society’s portrayals of motherhood are bullshit and it’s hard when the reality doesn’t match, but that’s a culture problem and absolutely not a problem with you.

You are certainly not a shit mum, quite the reverse! My son was the same and I remember being worried sick and feeling like a failure . I ended up expressing my milk and bottle feeding him with it, which seemed like a good compromise and worked well. Midwife looked at my late scans and suggested it was partly due to him sucking his finger in the womb and got used to the length. Couldn't latch on properly as I don't have nipples like organ stops. Not sure if it was really the case or she was just trying to calm my panicking!

Op I just wanted to add that you didn't fail at giving birth. I think there is huge pressure on women to give birth in a certain way. I had a horrible labour with my first and ended up with an epidural and forceps. My midwife made me feel like an utter failure but the reality is if I hadn't had these interventions my baby and I would have died. Post birth in my hormonal state I was devastated about it all, not to mention exhausted. I too struggled with breastfeeding because I felt like I needed to get something right. The reality is though that there is no right way. You won't break your baby whichever way you feed them and before you know it they will be toddling about picking up gross stuff off the floor and trying to eat it....they are surprisingly resilient!

You did nothing wrong, in a panicked situation (which was not your fault, you couldn't have predicted how you would react) you opted for the safest birth for your baby. And one way or the other you will figure it the feeding and continue to be an awesome Mum.

Hey, not read all replies but this came up in active threads. Of course you haven’t messed it all up. The early days with a baby are really hard! I stopped BF my first after a few days as I hated it and at first he would not take a bottle off me, it was because he could smell my milk.

unless you’ve been
medically advised not to let him go more than a certain time without a feed don’t wake him either. They wake and cry when they are hungry. Also if he was starving he wouldn’t have fallen asleep.

It won’t do any harm to speak to your HV but maybe you’re just exhausted.