Been a mum four weeks and have already ruined everything

[yogpot]

At my wits’ end. I’ve posted before in sleep as the little bub was going hours without sleeping, and now we have a whole raft of other problems. It feels like nothing is straightforward and I feel like it must be my fault. It’s just one thing after another where I mess up my son’s life spectacularly.

We struggled with breastfeeding and have supplemented with formula from day 2 in the hospital because he wouldn’t latch which I’ve felt terrible about. The midwives wouldn’t even let me leave hospital because he wouldn’t latch which was why I asked for formula as I wanted to go home so badly after a difficult birth (emergency c section and prior cervical sweep triggered existing upset/panic attack about a prior sexual assault I experienced) so I just felt like shit from day one. When I asked to go home and pointed out they don’t need to discharge me, I’m free to leave anytime, they genuinely said they’d tell social services. Luckily I’m aware they’d be laughed off the phone reporting that and she was just stating about their duty of care in a clumsy way but it was upsetting.

We’d been giving an evening bottle the last week to allow me to sleep, my partner doing a 7-12 shift and me taking over with BF from there. We’ve recently decided to stop that as BF just wasn’t working. My baby still latches poorly and doesn’t manage to extract milk well, and it was shredding my mental health to the point I spend a lot of time scream sobbing. In comparison, when my partner gave him an evening bottle he would drink it, seem lovely and content and settle down for a good 3-4 stretch of sleep.

But I appear to have broken my baby because he will not take bottles over night. I just tried to give him a night feed and he screamed and screamed and wouldn’t take it, so I gave him the breast. He managed 5 minutes before falling asleep and won’t take anything more. The beautiful boy is sleeping on my chest right now, probably starving.

I feel like my poor choices here have messed him up. He’s confused about what he’s eating. When he eats his formula bottle (he takes them during the day/evening from my fiancé no problem) he sleeps so deep and doesn’t wake so we have to wake him to feed which worries me. When I bottle feed him, even when he takes it he cries afterwards inconsolably until I offer him the breast. He has a few minutes on the breast and goes to sleep. The crying is so bad he’s red and sweating and hoarse. If I try to breastfeed him exclusively he’ll be attached for literally three hours non stop trying to get enough and eventually gulp down a bottle from my partner. Everything I do, everything I try seems wrong and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m in a state of permanent high anxiety googling things obsessively. I just want him to be happy.

I just can’t believe that four weeks in and I’m already a shit mum. It’s breaking my heart how bad, how unnatural I am at this and I know he would be better off without me. I don’t feel like I deserve to be called his mummy. I don’t feel like a mother at all, I feel like an obstacle to his happiness and I feel like I need more expert support but I’m not even sure what to ask for and whether I should speak to my health visitor or my GP. I just want to lie down and not wake up so my poor baby boy can go find a real mummy or just be with his wonderful daddy.

Your hormones are still settling down and you haven't had much sleep. Don't panic, a lot of mums feel like this. I know I did. If you phone your Health Visitor that might be a good place to start, or your GP if you prefer.

Please speak to your GP. You're a great mum and you havent broken your baby but you do need some help.

There's lots of help for maternal mental health out there and your GP / HV can help you to access it.

Be kind to yourself OP. You're doing a brilliant job. It's exhausting giving birth then having to look after a newborn. They don't come with instructions!

My DD2 had a tongue tie which affected her latch when breastfeeding. Has that been investigated? Getting it cut at 4 weeks transformed BF for us. Took weeks of sitting doing nothing but feeding to get our feeding established.

He is very new. His stomach is about the size of his fists. It doesn’t fit lots of milk right now. That is why he needs to eat so often.

his mouth will grow as he does, which may make latching easier.

try to learn to feed lying down. Then you can rest while you are doing it.

if babygros are getting too small, he is gaining weight. This being the case, don’t wake him if he is sleeping.

A lot of your suffering here springs from sleep
deprivation I think. Resign yourself to days/weeks in bed. Get your husband to take the baby out in a pram to settle him after a feed so you can sleep uninterrupted.

it will get better

OP your baby is not broken. You are all your baby knows, wants and needs and I promise you that you are enough. Speak to your midwife today and get some advice on moving to 100% FF, and start using a dummy as babies love to suck for comfort. Also stay in bed for the next couple of days as much as possible with your lovely baby as you both need the rest. First things first - When did you last eat or shower? You'll feel better after a shower, some scrambled egg on toast, a large mug of tea and a big water plus two paracetamol. Then sit in bed or on the sofa with your baby and watch your favourite comfort TV while cuddling. Preferably while having another tea and a couple of digestive biscuits. You're doing amazing OP, these first days and weeks are like a bloody rollercoaster hormones wise plus you have had the physical and mental trauma of delivery. Cut yourself some slack.

I did combination feeding for first month with DD and she would have bottle at 7ish then wake her for dream feed around 10pm. She would go through most nights without needing a top up.

It sounds like the breast feed is more of a comfort feed. You're lucky as it sounds like your baby doesn't need much overnight & will just wake briefly for some comfort.

Try not to worry. I think you're assuming all babies wake up multiple times at night & that's not always the case.

Honestly once they're on solids and a toddler you won't even think about how they got their milk.

It sounds like you have a decent supportive partner.

Can you get to some baby groups so you have someone else to chat to?

It's so hard when you are right in the midst of those early days - reading your post brought it all back to me. You are literally doing everything right. It just doesn't feel like it because no one has ever told you how mad those first few weeks are. As a PP said, true baby just wants his mum so that's why he wants to be close to you. You are the best person in the world for him right now. And the endless feeding seems normal too. Good luck to you. It's just REALLY hard and nothing prepares you for it.

Those first weeks are SO hard and you're doing great. Unfortunately you haven't received the right support from the hospital. YOU didn't fail. You've been failed. But don't worry whatever you decide to do going forward, your baby will do great. He's lucky to have you as a mum.
Your baby's behaviour at the breast is perfectly normal. Look up La Leche League and cluster feeding. Newborns have tiny stomachs and they need little milk and often - that also applies to formula but formula but unfortunately it's little known fact as it doesn't suit formula companies. When you or your husband give a bottle you need to pace feed it, otherwise baby will gulp too much and it stretches their stomach and it's like a vicious circus. So look up pace feeding. But don't worry, you didn't harm your baby, your baby will be absolutely fine.
Cluster feeding means baby can be very fussy at the breast and feed little but often or stay on the boob for hours on end. It's to build up your supply. It happens a lot in the first 4-6 weeks, then it calms down, but may periodically happen when there's a growth spurt. The best thing to do is relax, focus on your baby, get some good films or TV shows, lots of snacks and let baby latch as much as they want. I'd also recommend considering co-sleeping (look up co-sleeping safe 7).
If your latch is painful and you don't have any support nearby join Breastfeeding Yummy Mummies group on Facebook. It's run by a group of breastfeeding professionals who can help you remotely free of charge.
Remember you are an amazing mum. And please talk to someone about your thoughts (HV, GP, a trusted friend). Get support for postnatal depression - you may not have it, but it's best to start support early in case it's developing. You're not alone.

And following on PPs messages look up 4th semester.

*4th Trimester

Can you contact the infant feeding team at the hospital? Some of the things you are saying about bf I hear so much but are totally normal.

3 hours feeding is normal
If your baby is sleeping then he's not hungry, he will wake if he is hungry
Sucking for comfort is a thing

In 5 minutes you'd be surprised how much milk a baby can transfer
Please don't stress about the amount of milk or any routine, just feed on demand

You're doing an amazing job!

You can get video consults (thanks COVID!) for bf support. It sounds like he may have a tongue tie to me, and also that he is a normal baby wanting to cluster feed. Shields would be a good way to help with the tie in the short term until you can get it assessed and snipped if it needs it.

You definitely haven't broken the baby. It's a huge learning curve. It's hard. No one tells you, it's society's biggest secret. You will get through this and you'll be sat here in two years advising new mums because you literally read the entire internet trying to work your way through it.

The first few weeks are so, so hard. You’re doing an amazing job, you’re just too tired to realise it.

All of what you’re feeling is normal. Hormones are on overdrive at the moment. That you’re worrying about the baby shows what a good Mum you are.

BF, don’t BF, combi - ignore the feeding brigades and do what works for you. May also be worth getting baby checked for a tongue tie if your feeding for endless hours a day.

Get some sleep and everything starts to feel better.

Call your HV and ask for some help. Any family, friends who could cuddle baby for a few hours while you get some sleep and self care time?

If you still feel awful in a couple of weeks check with HV. GP re medication etc.

It’s all going to be okay and congratulations you just did (and will continue to do) amazing things, you brilliant Mum!

Heyyyy @yogpot you're not a bad mummy at all! Your hormones sound like they're playing havoc on you and making you very emotional (I was the same) I really really wanted breast feeding to work but it was hard. I had to use nipple shields for him to latch, then as he preferred bottles I used to pump to bottle feed him. But he was really poorly for weeks and it turned out he was lactose intolerant (I felt so awful for being the one to give him lactose from me and then formula too, I remember crying so bad I felt so guilty)
Sometimes they just won't breastfeed mommy and that's ok so long as he's getting fed one way or another he will thrive and be fine I promise you I have a chubby little 17 month old running round now and he's fine.
There could be more to it. He could be tongue tied? He could have wind? Reflux? Silent reflux (mine had this) or as another pp suggested he may only want the boob for comfort so I'd recommend trying a dummy for him. I was always anti dummy but it's a life saviour trust me.
Speak to your GP/HV and tell them your concerns - they will see him.

But most of all, be kind to yourself please. You clearly really care, and you've had a traumatic experience in the hospital and then having a c section it's probably triggered your anxiety off to the hills you poor thing.

We are here for you mommy, you're doing an amazing job. The first few weeks can be so hard but I promise you'll come out the other end. We are here for you xxx

My first breastfed and was constantly on the breast, never content, always desperate for a feed.
My second just never latched so I expressed and when I fed him the bottle its just such a different way of feeding he was so content after. He started skipping overnight feeds from a couple weeks old and was sleeping through from about 6 weeks.

Sounds like your little one is full but just wants to comfort suck and cuddle his mummy. Will he take a dummy? If he's unsettled you can try swaddling with dummy and a cuddle, if he's still writhing about you can try feeding again.

It sounds like you are doing a great job. Definitely check in with Dr or HV and have a wee check on your mood, you have not failed your baby by medically requiring a csection or having trouble breastfeeding.

Totally agree with this

You may be anti dummies, but they do work

Just wanted to be another one to say you’re not a shit mum whatsoever. Breastfeeding didn’t work out for me the first time round, I didn’t understand that what was happening was normal, I wasn’t mentally well enough to cope with the intensity of breastfeeding and my child started losing weight as a result of not being a high demand baby. So we made the swap and the guilt was initially intense but eventually when I saw baby thriving I let it go and moved on.
When I had my second child I was feeling much better mentally and I was well read up on everything f to expect. It was INTENSE and most days I felt like a cow, as baby was constantly, constantly attached to me and I was exhausted.
If your heart isn’t in breastfeeding, stop. Don’t let it break you. Your baby would much rather you being well than broken. Breastfeeding isn’t for everyone, massive well done for trying!

If you do want to continue breastfeeding, know that the reason your baby won’t take a bottle from you is very likely because they know you have breast. They are absolute geniuses. If baby eats off breast and goes to sleep content on your chest after, it means it is actually working unless baby is losing weight.
If you do formula feeds on the side of breast, know that that will affect your supply. Your body needs to be told to make the milk and the only way for it to know to make it is for you to use it if that makes sense.

Like I said above though, I can tell your heart isn’t really in it and as that was me with my firstborn I just wanted to repeat to do what’s right for you. Baby will be absolutely fine either way. Breastfeeding is incredibly intense but once established and working well I truly enjoyed it and was sad to stop after 2 years. To each their own. Either way you are NOT a bad mum, absolutely no way.
Congratulations on baby x

@yogpot
Poor you!
I too remember the difficulty with establishing breastfeeding-
Ditto an horrendous “Sweep” that was really like the male doctor was being incredibly rough.
I’m older than you now, so no internet then, but the “Sweep” was such a shock and sooooo painful.
Just like an assault.
What was telling, they made DH leave the room beforehand.

I felt guilt about asking for painkillers that made DS so sleepy he couldn’t latch on initially.

I was lucky enough to have help from hospital staff to establish BF..I’d suggest joining a BF group.

Mixing BF and bottles ( so I was advised ) makes it harder to exclusively BF..

But those early weeks.. A blur of extreme exhaustion.
So tricky, plus I had no nearby family ( we moved)
in retrospect should have stayed closer.

I’m certain you will get on an even keel.

Tiredness like nothing I’d never known..
Probably the reason I only had one DC.
Best Wishes Yogpot, of course you haven’t broken your DS .

It sounds like you need support..

Oh you are not failing or a shit mum at all - feeding babies is so hard! My eldest was combi fed to 4 months and had a dummy from a few days old. Try tapping the base of the bottle with your nail while he feeds: I don't know why, but it seemed to help us!
My youngest was EBF until a year old and used to be awake and feeding constantly until about 10 weeks old! Especially during the night. It drives you mad and you feel as though they're never off you, but he was gaining weight and settled down a bit after that. Some (most?) babies are just fussy when they're so young: they just want you, are too young for a schedule and mine always wanted to be on the boob.
Ring your HV and ask them to come round to weigh your little one: hopefully, if you can see he's gaining weight, that will put your mind at rest a little. Ask her to refer you to your local infant feeding coordinator: we have one attached to our HV team and they should be able to help you with combi feeding.

Echoing all the others here. You're not a shit mum. You haven't broken the baby.

Breastfeeding was the hardest thing I ever tried. I was unsuccessful for a month so I pumped before deciding to go full formula. You're doing great. I gave up early because I couldn't do it. My hormones and exhaustion were in overdrive and it was one thing I didn't feel was beneficial in any way (especially after a c section because you don't get the good drugs!).

Some babies cry because they were so safe and cosy in the womb and now they're in the world (mine did this!). Some babies cry because of reflux. (Mine had silent reflux and was a nightmare until we went to see the doctor)

I can only suggest go see a doctor to rule out anything medical. As well as, see if you can get an extra hour or two of sleep eg 7-2am.

You're doing everything you can. Be kind to yourself.

It's so hard isn't it!! You sound so caring and fed up. Could baby be tongue tied?
If weight gain is fine, baby is transferring milk! They all do it in their own way. Also - do you have to wake baby overnight? If over birth weight and baby is sleeping deeply, I would let them sleep! They will definitely let you know if they're hungry.

Yes, I was going to suggest this too. Please don't feel bad. I had a very similar sounding journey with my first and he (and I) were so much happier when we moved to exclusively formula feeding. I remember crying when giving him a bottle as I felt so guilty. You are constantly told "breast is best" he is now the healthiest boy I know. Good luck!

If he's falling asleep after 5 minutes on the breast then I promise you he's not starving, he's tired.

Will he still take a bottle from your husband? It's very normal for babies to refuse a bottle from their mum if they're breastfed. Also, at about this age, when babies start to wake up and be more aware, they often get hysterically over tired by late afternoon/early evening. If you want to persevere with the bottle (lots of good reasons for this, but not essential by any means) then I would try again mid morning, after his first nap.

You haven't ruined anything, this is all completely normal. I think 4-8 weeks is harder than 0-4 weeks, and it always seems like more error than trial. Be kind to yourself xx

You sound like a fantastic mother . The fact you care so much shows how much you love him . This is a very common situation at the start of a baby’s life. I tried to breast feed but baby also couldn’t latch . Wasn’t shown any help in hospital so I gave up and went to bottle after 2 days . Best thing ever for my mental health and my baby’s routine which did take a long time to find which is natural. Once on bottle , I only ever woke baby up to feed at about 10.30 - 11pm , then let baby sleep for as long as possible during night . It’s all about trying to get your baby identify day and night . The teatime bottle I did small so that the last bottle at night was big to try n get baby through night . I also but baby to bed at night upstairs with camera on at 7pm in dark every night . When lifting out of bed to feed during night , I never engaged or spoke to baby . Just feed and back in cot . Lots of cuddles , interacting during day tho . Both my babies were sleeping right through from 7pm till 6am from 4 months old ……. You are not failing you son . He has a great , caring , loving mother who is learning and doing your best . That’s all you can do . Well done sweetheart

Have you tried different bottles OP? It took us a while to find the right ones after switching from breast to bottle, I'm fairly sure we bought one of every kind 😂 haven't read all of the comments so apologies if this has already been said, but perhaps he won't take a bottle from you after the one from your fiancé because he can smell the breast milk on you? Lots of experts say they can smell it and will instinctively root for it when with their mothers. Have you tried giving him your breast milk in the bottle?