Been a mum four weeks and have already ruined everything

[yogpot]

At my wits’ end. I’ve posted before in sleep as the little bub was going hours without sleeping, and now we have a whole raft of other problems. It feels like nothing is straightforward and I feel like it must be my fault. It’s just one thing after another where I mess up my son’s life spectacularly.

We struggled with breastfeeding and have supplemented with formula from day 2 in the hospital because he wouldn’t latch which I’ve felt terrible about. The midwives wouldn’t even let me leave hospital because he wouldn’t latch which was why I asked for formula as I wanted to go home so badly after a difficult birth (emergency c section and prior cervical sweep triggered existing upset/panic attack about a prior sexual assault I experienced) so I just felt like shit from day one. When I asked to go home and pointed out they don’t need to discharge me, I’m free to leave anytime, they genuinely said they’d tell social services. Luckily I’m aware they’d be laughed off the phone reporting that and she was just stating about their duty of care in a clumsy way but it was upsetting.

We’d been giving an evening bottle the last week to allow me to sleep, my partner doing a 7-12 shift and me taking over with BF from there. We’ve recently decided to stop that as BF just wasn’t working. My baby still latches poorly and doesn’t manage to extract milk well, and it was shredding my mental health to the point I spend a lot of time scream sobbing. In comparison, when my partner gave him an evening bottle he would drink it, seem lovely and content and settle down for a good 3-4 stretch of sleep.

But I appear to have broken my baby because he will not take bottles over night. I just tried to give him a night feed and he screamed and screamed and wouldn’t take it, so I gave him the breast. He managed 5 minutes before falling asleep and won’t take anything more. The beautiful boy is sleeping on my chest right now, probably starving.

I feel like my poor choices here have messed him up. He’s confused about what he’s eating. When he eats his formula bottle (he takes them during the day/evening from my fiancé no problem) he sleeps so deep and doesn’t wake so we have to wake him to feed which worries me. When I bottle feed him, even when he takes it he cries afterwards inconsolably until I offer him the breast. He has a few minutes on the breast and goes to sleep. The crying is so bad he’s red and sweating and hoarse. If I try to breastfeed him exclusively he’ll be attached for literally three hours non stop trying to get enough and eventually gulp down a bottle from my partner. Everything I do, everything I try seems wrong and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m in a state of permanent high anxiety googling things obsessively. I just want him to be happy.

I just can’t believe that four weeks in and I’m already a shit mum. It’s breaking my heart how bad, how unnatural I am at this and I know he would be better off without me. I don’t feel like I deserve to be called his mummy. I don’t feel like a mother at all, I feel like an obstacle to his happiness and I feel like I need more expert support but I’m not even sure what to ask for and whether I should speak to my health visitor or my GP. I just want to lie down and not wake up so my poor baby boy can go find a real mummy or just be with his wonderful daddy.

Woah woah woah!!!!

Repeat after me: IM NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG!!

I know it's scary, you feel tired, you had a bad experience with child birth. But you are doing great!!! Honestly!!! The couple of minutes BF at night means that your baby is using your breast as a pacifier, as comfort. There's nothing wrong with that 🤷🏻‍♀️ later on you'll regret it 😂 because they'll keep waking up every few hours even when they're 1 yo to do that! But it's fine!!! Then you can put a stop to it. Right now, let your baby smell you and feel you and be close to you!

First thing's first, you're not a shit mum - other PPs have said it and it bears repeating.

I had an emergency C after a sweep meant my footling breech baby started putting his foot through my partially dilated cervix (they only discovered he was breech during that first sweep at 40weeks ), it was really sudden and distressing and the stress affected my milk coming in. They checked my latch and said fine, sent home. He'd lost nearly 20% of his birth weight by the end of the week. We were hospitalised, put on a triple feeding (breast,pump,formula every 2 hours) regime, I just despaired. Had an infant feeding lead actually say maybe it's because I don't have very large breasts 🙄Baby actually had a severe tongue tie which wasn't dealt with until he was 3.5 weeks, he was latching but getting no milk because he couldn't form any suction. This is not your fault, if baby isn't latching it's likely something hasn't been picked up, we saw a lactation consultant and paediatrician and we're back on track, baby has gone from 2nd centile to 40th. But at 4 weeks I felt just like you.

If baby wants the breast but you want him to have formula to make sure he's getting enough and won't take the bottle, why not take a look at the Medela Supplemental Nursing System? I think there's another called Lactaid too. It's a bit of a faff to get started but fine once you get the hang of it, it's a bottle that you hang round your neck with a very fine tube that you slip into baby's mouth while they breastfeed so they get both your milk and formula at the same time. This could be a good option for you as it won't be every feed if he's taking bottles during the day, but still let's baby feel close to his lovely mum which is what he's clearly enjoying so much on the breast!

Oh my love. I'm so sorry you're having such an awful time, but you are right in the very thick of it, sleep deprivation, hormones, recovering from birth, you can't see the wood for the trees as it were. But I promise you, just keep on trucking through these tough weeks and it will begin to get easier. I am speaking from experience, my first few weeks sound very much like yours. I was a total mess. Breastfeeding was always a challenge and we went exclusively formula from around 9 weeks.
My advice to any new Mum feeling like you are is to just surrender to these first few months. Just lean into the experience, don't over think anything, just be there to snuggle your baby. You are everything that your baby wants, you are their universe. Accept the hard parts rather than trying to make it better....it will get better by itself, there are no magic tips or tricks that work. You will figure them out as you come to understand your baby. (But try a dummy! and white noise! those worked wonders for me!)
Also, some babies are born easy peasy and some babies are born tricky. Those that sleep well are just good sleepers and there is no point comparing babies....the vast majority of newborns are just like yours but nobody warns you of quite how hard it is do they?
I read somewhere that music works wonders in the prevention of PND- do you have some little wireless air pod type things? maybe you could listen to some music whilst feeding or rocking to remind you that when you're in the very thick of it, there is a world out there carrying on as normal....it really helped me. Now I listen to those songs and feel so proud of myself for getting through it.
You're doing amazing, you will look back at this in a year or two and see how strong you were. Keep on going x

I would suggest trying nipple shields too. My little one wasn’t latching properly and I gave them a go, she latched on and that was it.

You haven’t failed. You haven’t broken your baby. You just desperately need sleep and your baby’s feeding to settle. It just feels endless.

if you have an NCT group I would suggest going to a post-natal group. You’ll meet other Mums in the same situation or with their own problems. My group kept me sane.

Good luck!💐

You poor thing. So much of what you said reminded me of my birth and the weeks after (though without the additional trauma of sexual assault).
Just to go back to the birth which I think adds such a lot of difficulty, and needlessly. I was also an emergency section, and a scbu baby. After 3 nights on the postnatal ward I had just about lost my mind. Was desperate to go home and baby wasn't latching, it felt like I was being kept hostage by him. Utterly awful. The midwives gave me the speil about discharging myself and made me feel awful, but where is the care for women? I was absolutely broken by this stage. I wanted to leave my baby in hospital and never come back.
It's so so hard, and panicky when you're feeling this way and feedings going wrong. I just felt numb and traumatised and I was also supposed to try and feed this baby and keep him alive without sleep. It is TOO MUCH.
With lots of hindsight I wish I could have taken a step away. Breastfeeding doesn't need to be all or nothing, you could do predominantly bottle feeding and a couple of breastfeeds a day for comfort, or you might getting into a different rhythm that works. But you don't have to make a decision immediately. Take the pressure off yourself. It's great that the baby takes a bottle so you can have some sleep. Preserving your mental health has to be the biggest priority.
Honestly you haven't ruined your baby's life. I felt that way. The early days feel so significant and if you're not doing the feeding 'right' or feeling the right things then it seems terrible. I have a four year old now and for most of the first six months I was in a catatonic depression, and could barely look at him. But he's honestly fine. Has a great bond with me, and a great bond with his dad and grandparents. Had no clue what torment I was in.
This stage is short and (despite what Instagram might say) pretty insignificant for babies really. They need feeding, changing, keeping warm and cuddling. But that doesn't have to be you doing it all the time. If you can carve out some breathing space (and sleeping space) it will feel a lot better.
There is so much time for you to be a mother, this is just the start. The best thing you can do for your baby is to focus on your own mental health.
If you are struggligg with the birth, ask the midwife or HV for a referral to perinatal health services, who are excellent. I had PTSD after mine and was given therapy for months.
Wishing you the best of luck x

I understand and had a son that was the same. He didn’t have tongue tie, but caught a cold from the Health Visitor on day 5 and he was so bunged up he couldn’t breath & feed at the same time (what kind of idiot is visibly ill with a temperature & goes in to hold a baby less than a week old?).

In desperation, I cut a hole in my nursing bra, poked the teat through the hole & propped the bottle on my boob/under my arm.

His Dad was no use as at day 5 he went off on tour - bloody actors lol.

DS also had very bad reflux - he could throw up & hit a wall six feet away - so used Infacol (not sure it still exists) and - dummy to help strengthen the muscles/oesophagus thanks to fab new health visitor at my new home in London (caution, don’t move house at 19 when your partner is away & your son is 6 days old lol).

He’s a strapping 30 year old now!

My daughter 4 years later had no issues breast feeding (and took to an expressed bottle for the evenings I was working, again, don’t go back & do panto before your six week check lol). I actually went back to work 2 weeks after I gave birth to her, a baby cried in the auditorium on a Rick Wakeman gig I was teching on and I’ll be honest, I thanked the gods for breast pads lol! I swear boobs can listen, they reacted every time someone else’s baby cried 🤣 Some babies can go from one to the other easily, some need that closeness & mum milk smell to have comfort when they feed. And that’s OK & normal.

You are a brilliant Mum. Keep repeating that! I had awful PND after my son was born & felt like I was failing him, especially in those first days when he couldn’t feed well. Look after yourself, it’s as important as looking after your baby.

Push back on the tongue tie thing. I got my friend to go back 3 times before they agreed and resolved it. It took 2 attempts to resolve it but it was game changing.

My youngest was attached to my boob round the clock until he started solids at 6 months.

Bring on the boob triggers a hormonal response in you both, provides comfort, cluster feeding and fussing at the boob are. natural, normal ways of upping your supply/ managing growth spurts/ developmental leaps.

It is all a huge adjustment at a very vulnerable time but you're doing great. Nursing my babies to sleep and cosleeping was the only way I could have managed with mine (and not what I'd planned) but however you choose to feed your baby and get through the nights is okay. Babies and families all have different things they need to do to cope. It does get easier as you figure out what works for you and gain confidence with the routine shattering new kind of day to day.

Hi OP I'm glad to hear you are going to contact the HV and GP today. Please tell them how desperate you are, and keep asking for real-life support wherever you can until you get it. Try the peer support group again, you might meet someone else who is more helpful this time.
It helps massively if you can get an experienced BF advisor to observe a feed. It might sound weird but could you get your partner to video a feed when it is going badly so you can show people what is happening? Please be reassured you are not failing your baby. Lots of new mums struggle with feeding and with mental health you are not alone.

Oh my goodness none of what you've described is your fault!!! I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Just to share my experience with my first born...he wasn't latching properly in the hospital so like you moved onto formula. I was feeling awful so tried to re establish BF on day 5, but clearly my supply had been affected and he was feeding for hours but getting lethargic and not gaining weight. Day 11 we were admitted to hospital and advised to feed intensively with formula, in the end I would do 5 mins BF followed immediately by a bottle and also introduced a dummy. It worked for us until 4 months when I stopped the BF completely. With my second I formula fed from the start (due to medication) and it was such a weight off! Honestly please please don't feel like a failure, loads of women struggle to BF and my children have absolutely thrived on formula.

Oh goodness OP, so I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Fact is that having a newborn is really really hard work. Every new mother struggles and you are recovering from the birth, you have a massive rush of hormones, you're sleep deprived etc. It's hard work and there's no getting around that, you just need to take it a day at a time and get through each day until things start to get easier.

FWIW it sounds like you're doing an amazing job, your baby came into the world safely, you're doing your best to feed, and baby is gaining weight. I've breastfed two babies and personally I was never worried about the amount they fed, as long as baby produces lots of wet and dirty nappies and gains weight there's no need to worry. Make sure that you try to look after yourself so drink and eat plenty and rest as much as you can. Lots of cuddles with your baby (I miss the newborn cuddles)

If you do decide to stop breastfeeding there's no shame in that, but it does sound that breastfeeding is actually going OK even though you're feeling anxious about it.

Have you looked for any help for anxiety? Maybe a short course of medication might help you feel better? FWIW it's so common for mothers to feel anxious, you're not doing anything wrong or failing!

Finally on your birth, I have two gorgeous and healthy children that were born after tricky emergency c sections. As long as you and baby are both well it really makes no difference how they're born!

Chin up OP, you're doing great.

@yogpot Maybe bf was working as it should but it didn’t seem to be working for you. It isn’t for everyone.

I had the exact same experience as you and changed to just bottles and a soother and a as so much happier and my DD adapted.

Why people continue to promote bf to mothers who are clearly struggling with it, I do not know. Do what works for you and baby

I've had three babies, 2 breast and formula fed, 1 (the latest) eb. The best advice out there is when it comes to feeding there is no one right way. Look for regular wet nappies and weight gain. My third was a snacker he would feed then have a 20min nap then feed again, he also did constant cluster feeding several times a day. I went to a bf group weekly y which did help. We tag teamed sleep which also helped. The best thing to do is try to accept this is your normal but it won't be permanent. To get use to a teat, offer a dummy it will also help with soothing.

@Dramachameleon maybe some mothers, including me, promote breastfeeding because many mothers actually do a great job with it but feel worried or anxious about baby getting enough milk. Many people don't understand newborn babies' behavior and think they're doing something wrong when in fact they're not.

Frequent feeding (cluster feeding to establish supply or during a growth spurt) - completely normal.

Frequent night feeds - completely normal

Seeking comfort by suckling - completely normal

Not sleeping through the night - completely normal

Not measuring the amount baby feeds - completely normal.

Wanting to be held constantly - completely normal

Etc etc

As long as baby is gaining weight and produces wet and dirty nappies feeding is going well.

@TeenyQueen It might be normal but it’s not always do able for all mothers. Sometimes
whats normal can be just too stressful
for some mothers

@yogpot please speak to your GP, it sounds like you may be experiencing PND. I had it with my first and speaking about it did help, for me sertraline also helped (even though I really didn't want to take it at first).

Hang in there, it sounds like you've had it tough but you're clearly doing a great job!

Just to add to my PP - you can get tongue tie looked at and cut privately if you're able to consider that. Private isn't for everyone especially with all the cost of living hell. , The NHS wait lists vary so much, it was 3.5 weeks for us, my friend in the next county was seen in 6 days BUT either way NHS are very cautious on cutting tongue ties so a lot of people ask to be checked again and re-referred, or go private and get it done to save time and sanity.

Sending a huge hand hold and a hug. This sounds like PND please call your GP and get support. You are the best parent for your baby ❤️ it is SO hard. Babies are just hard! (All those people who said parenting is the hardest thing they've ever done weren't lying). I have an 8 week old and every day has been a struggle. It's normal both mummy and baby need time to figure things out.

Also, he sleeps on your breast because he feels comfort there, with you, his mummy. He's going to grow into a beautiful toddler and little boy and all these hard days will be a distant memory.

Now go call your GP ❤️❤️❤️

Oops strike through fail.....

This. My son didn’t sleep for more than 20 minute - how I didn’t kill him I don’t know - not to be flippant but my ex was useless and my son cried constantly I breast fed and then topped up with formula - I did 5 months and he screamed constantly every 20
minutes - he sucked until he sucked blood. My breasts were just bleeding bright blood. It was absolutely shocking.

sorry about hospital - they have no right to do that to a new mum.

please you are vulnerable right now. I had great midwives and good ones and one not so good.
please talk to your midwife. You need some irl support.

you haven’t broken your baby he can’t communicate so he cries - my daughter cried from about 6 to 8 weeks until I worked out it was the light. If the light stayed off she didn’t cry.

do want you can you sleep, rest and eat my lovely lady.

Great idea to ring the GP. Your message is really worrying. You have NOT failed your baby.

What would you say to a friend who had told you the same story? You'd be kind to her, reassure her that she was a great mum. So do the same thing for yourself!

When your baby breastfeeds, is their head tipped back and can you hear them gulping and swallowing? If so, then they are getting enough.

Are they having plenty of wet and dirty nappies? That's a good sign.

And don't wake a sleeping baby! They will wake when they are hungry. If your baby is sleeping on you, they are contented. Your baby wants to be close to you.

Good luck at the GP. It sounds like you have a supportive partner too, which is great.

All these messages are so kind. We’ve had a much better day today with the baby - I’ve not used any formula as I’ve felt confident he’s eating enough and I’m not waking him anymore if he’s asleep. I’ve not managed to call the GP (I forgot we had the appointment to register the birth facepalm) but I will tomorrow because my own brain is scaring me a little and I think I need extra help. I have been referred to the HV Infant Feeding Team so will await that appointment.

I was really sure I had to wake him every three hours for food, but he’s seemed much happier today when I’ve let him sleep. He’s actually been sleeping nearly two hours solidly - I’m fighting to not Google whether that’s ok or not, and am sitting here very anxious about it but he’s eaten lots today, he’s pooped a bunch of times and produced lots of wet nappies, and been alert when he is awake so I guess he’s ok? I just can’t stop worrying, and when I get over one worry (I was obsessed with whether he had diarrhoea two weeks ago, saw the HV, called 111 and went to the GP over it - he did not have diarrhoea) I find something else to obsess over. I’ve chewed my fingers until they’re bleeding - his cute onesies all have at least one tiny blood stain on the poppers from my chewed hands. I keep reading the responses on this thread to feel better and it does work.

No unless they were loosing weight no need to wake them for a feed or if they have jaundice you wake them for feeds to flush it through. You're doing great and this is all new to all of you. A new scary world for all of you too.

You're learning. None of us were born ready to know what to do. It's all a learning process. You're doing great.
Take one day at a time, you've got this x

This is a great update and I'm glad the breastfeeding and letting him sleep is working.

Great idea to phone the GP in the morning as you've recognised the level of your anxiety isn't healthy.

You've got this mama.

Such a good update, well done!!
Think of it this way, everything they're learning (which is basically everything!!) is so tiring, they need lots of sleep. They honestly would let you know when they're hungry. If overnight and you start worrying, you could try a dream feed? But sounds like you're absolutely ok leaving them to sleep.

Wet and dirty nappies shows good output! Just remember to follow their lead, feed when they need it, even if it feels like they only fed 10 minutes ago! They take as much or as little as they need. Good luck

Great update, sounds like you're giving your baby exactly what he needs and more than that- you're being a responsive, nurturing mother. You are doing great.