AIBU - Partner thinks he doesn’t have to do anything for my son because he’s not his responsibility

[MumOfTwoBeans]

Currently pregnant with my partners baby, I have an 18 month old son from another relationship and I’m worried he will treat this baby differently to my son.

Anybody else ever had this? How should I approach this?

Am I being unreasonable?

Not you…

Second paragraph is for Bananarama and the two other people that quoted me back

MN is hilarious and full of hypocrites there is currently a thread on SP board where the op is told she shouldn’t be alone with the SC these are children she’s known for 7 YEARS other step mums coming on to say they can’t relax when their SC is in the house they don’t want them there and they consider them “guests” yet this man is expected to step up and take on a kid of someone he only knew for 4 months and if he doesn’t op should dump him, don’t see anyone telling the SMs that and step mums banging on about how it’s harder to be a step mum than step father 🙄 🫠

A step mum who has step children visiting every other weekend (or whatever the custody split is) is completely different to a man moving in with a mum and baby.

They come as a pair. The baby isn't visiting every now and then.

Op is totally right to be concerned about his dismissive attitude to her 18 month old.

The children are with the other woman 50% of the time. Hardly “visitors” also yes living with a child is much harder than having children that only “visit” eow so maybe step mums can stop moaning about how much harder they have if than step fathers?!

No, everyone else is right to be concerned about the two children being born to a mother who has a habit of having children with unsuitable boyfriends and who seems not to have the first idea about safeguarding.

Well there's little point kicking the mum over her choices. I think it's better to encourage her to consider what she can do to improve the situation now; whether that's talking to her boyfriend candidly about how she feels, or splitting up with him if he can't take on a parenting role. They're both in their early twenties, have a lot to learn and are going to make mistakes which need addressing now.

I'm reassuring Op that her concerns are valid.

brightnesses I never told op to terminate I said for her to learn from this and don't get pregnant a third time unfortunately she didnt learn the second time. Op doesn't seem to register the situation she has gotten herself in. Her expectations are unrealistic to expect a man to take on her baby as his own 4 months in. He is pretty much a stranger. So she is unreasonable in this sense. It's not a typical step parent set up in the sense they only just got together and got pregnant. This is a man who she doesn't particularly know very well or his history who she is now going to have a life time commitment with. She's also in a very vulnerable financial situation should the relationship end. Sometimes ifs the blunt advice that is needed some tough love to get the message across. Unfortunately op really hasn't considered the needs of her son and herself before putting herself in a vulnerable position.

It's a bit late to worry too much about the situation. Wait and see what happens after the baby is born.

The problem with looking at it your way though is that maybe she’d not be in this situation if someone had made these points after deadbeat dad #1, and maybe there’s a lower chance of there being a deadbeat dad #3 if people make the point now.

Saying that this isn’t the time to offer some sensible if firm advice is a bit like saying after the latest high school shooting in the US that bow’s not the time to talk about gun control.

@Bananarama21 oh no, I know you didn’t tell OP to terminate sorry that was just a general post. This bit was for you ‘I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with being blunt or whatever but why continuously come back to comment something negative? It’s not helpful to the OP at all.’

I understand your point though, you’re not wrong at all. I was just saying I don’t think posting, going away, then coming back to post more is helpful to the OP but I hear you. As a pp said, she’s in this position now so the only advice really needed is how to deal with the situation in hand

OP I agree with you, his attitude is not healthy, and unless he changes his behaviour, it will not be a healthy environment for your little boy to be brought up in.

For what it's worth I think most of the threads by and about step mothers are also not healthy for the children. Marry a man with kids? Be an actual step mum. But to be fair most of these threads are because the Dad is being a useless Disney Dad and expecting the woman to do all the childcare, all the drudge work, give up her holidays from work to mind his kids etc.

I would ask him how he sees you all being a family. How he thinks the two kids should relate to each other. How the two of them learn about security and family love. The effect of jealousy. Talk to him about your need to ensure that BOTH your children feel equally loved, secure and wanted within the family.

I used to work for a homeless charity. The majority of teen boys on the streets and in hostels were there because step fathers had made them unwelcome and as soon as they hit adolescence / approaching adulthood, saw them as an actual threat.

I don't care what anyone else accepts for their family: in mine I would see my step kids as MY step kids and as children of the family, equally my responsibility. And I would not accept a man who did not take the same approach with my kids.

Your DP has 4 months to sort himself out.

@SuperCamp thats so sad about those poor boys. You must’ve wanted to shake some people.

I’m horrified by the “shit stepmums” spoken of here. I became one in my mid-20s, daft and young as I was - insanely jealous of her mother. But she was an innocent child who needed parenting, care and love and I stepped up simply because that’s what you do when you enter a relationship with the father (50% custody). I took time off to look after her when she was ill etc etc.

25 years on and her father remains a prize plum I’ve not spoken to in 20 years, but the occasional fb stalk shows me she’s done very well and I’m delighted.

He was great with my son before I got pregnant and since I became pregnant he has changed. He does things for him but moans and makes a big deal out of it and when we argue he says that he’s not his responsibility

So he reeled you in with the 'nice guy' act and now his mask has slipped. This is who he really is, OP. And it will get worse once your new baby arrives and your DS will end up being pushed out, hurt and resentful.

I would honestly have a good think about leaving now, before new baby arrives or you'll be trapped. Do you have any options? Friends/family to stay with?

I just don't understand your timeline.

So you had a baby and the dad left after 2 weeks.

Kid is now 18 months old.

So presumably you were single for around 10 months before you met this fella.

Sometime within 4 months, you felt it was serious enough for him to meet your baby and take on a dad role.

And he was great so presumably he had a month or two to prove it.

He changed once you got pregnant so he was only in your child's life for 1-2 months and in your life for 4, so you've only known him while he's in the trying to impress you phase.

Over the next 4 months, so since you've been pregnant his attitude has changed

So for exactly half the time you've been together he's been a good step dad and the other half he's been a bad one.

How far into your relationship did he meet your kid? When did he move in?