AIBU - Partner thinks he doesn’t have to do anything for my son because he’s not his responsibility

[MumOfTwoBeans]

Currently pregnant with my partners baby, I have an 18 month old son from another relationship and I’m worried he will treat this baby differently to my son.

Anybody else ever had this? How should I approach this?

Am I being unreasonable?

No its not. Its not sad. Its just what is.

I agree it's really quick but it takes two to get pregnant. It's not just the woman.

I think people comparing MN’s advice for stepmoms to stepdads are missing the point.

In both cases the problem is men who won’t step up to parenting responsibilities. Some offload onto new partners. Some play favourites with the children living in their own houses.

This. Absolutely this. It's so depressing seeing these posts.

The thing is OP, you can't just ask someone to treat a child as their own when they're not. It just doesn't work that way.

If your partner goes out to work when your son is still asleep and comes back after he's asleep again, what is it that you are upset he's not doing now that he was before?

@Alldelicious I hate those comments telling step-mothers they should be leaving it to the dads to deal with. And vice versa. It’s ridiculous! They are living together in a family environment and should be treating step-kids the way they would treat there own and if the can’t do that then they should not be part of the family.

It’s not what he does and doesn’t do. It’s his attitude that I don’t think is healthy and for those of you saying you shouldn’t expect a man to take on your kids is your opinion, most women and men that get into relationships with people with children are happy to take the responsibility on.

this was bought up immediately to him because I didn’t want to waste my time with someone who wasn’t going to be what I thought was best for me and my son

They have been dating for what 9 months? From the OPs account he barely sees the child when he is awake and you expect him to love him as if he was his own? People talk like this 'love' is just something you can switch on because he moved he moved his stuff in. He isn't the child's dad, he's been in the child's life less than 9 months, he works all day, do you really think it is feasible that this man would see the child as his own in this situation?
The OP has rushed the whole situation trying to build a fantasy family and this is the very predictable result.

Me too. I do think if you "take on" the man/women you take on their children too. It's your choice, if you've chosen a useless man who'll leave it all to you given the chance, that's your choice too. The children don't get a choice.

Precisely. Also four months is a honeymoon period. Hardly anyone is in a state to make serious decisions at 4 months. It’s easy to judge the BF but it is the OP who had the responsibility of an existing child (baby then!), so tbh this is where the responsibility remains. What’s sad state of affairs all round.

Waste your time you with him 2 minutes and you were pregnant you shown to have very poor judgement..that man shouldn't have been living with you or even meet your baby. Let alone having another child with him.

You dont seem to learn from your mistakes at all. What on earth possessed you to get pregnant so soon after not knowing this guy at all? Ridiculous. You should terminate and sort yourself out before you keep bringing more people into this world.

You can’t have a child that age live with a man who resents doing anything for him. It’s so unfair on the child and they are such an impressionable age.

Some men will say exactly what they think you want to hear at the beginning of a relationship. Perhaps he thought he was fine to parent your son but the reality is different. He's showing you he is not going to be a good dad.

Please don't have a third child with anyone else. That's this a wake up call and get your life in order.

Think you need to reinforce to him your expectations now as to his relationship with your very young son, he has a dad thats not what he needs but needs a healthy mutually "loving" relationship with him if hes not willing to do that (and it needs to be seen through behaviours not him saying yeah yeah) then you will not stay with him

Though totally agree this man should ideally barely have a role in his life after the time you've been with him but things are as they are.

Absolutely none of what you are saying makes sense. You have not done any 'due diligence' with regard to to your new partner and his attitude to your son - you can't have within such a short timeframe. And now you are pregnant again, which definitely isn't "what's best for your son"!

Op thought she could recreate a happy family unit and picked another loser and suddenly expects him to play the doting father role to a child he barely knows.

@Bananarama21 how many times are you going to comment unhelpful things? If you have nothing nice to say do you seriously have to berate OP?

brightnesses

Because op completely doesn't seem to get that her judgement is completely off. I haven't told her to terminate as others have. I've told her to learn from her mistake moving forward.

Unfortunately I agree.

You've been trusting and perhaps too keen in your desire to have a happy family and a father figure for your son.
It sounds as though you're starting to realise he's not the man you thought he was.

Don't ignore your concerns, you have every right to insist he steps up and takes some responsibility for you all as a family unit.
He should be doing this anyway if he cares about you so whether it's the same "under duress" remains to be seen.

My step dad met my mum when my sister and I were 2 and 3yrs. He moved in a year later and they went on to have two more children. We were always treated equally, always included, bought the same presents, read bedtime stories, helped with homework ... I could go on but essentially he was our dad.

To me that's what to expect from a partner who moves into your family.

He probably did intend to play the doting father at the beginning of your relationship, now the novelty has worn off and he's bored.

What would he do for your son if you stopped asking? What does he envisage doing for the baby when they arrive? How often will he be doing the night feeds, changing nappies? These are conversations that you need to have.

I'd advise you to stop asking him to do things. If he wants to step up, he will and if he doesn't, it will be easier on your son when you split up.

Your son is 18 months old and you’re already pregnant by another man? And having problems with him? Wowzers. Poor kid.

You need to leave the relationship, you can't raise your child in a home where he will be treated with distain. He deserves better.

I desperately hope you put your children first and raise them equally. I can't imagine making either of my sons grow up in a home where they are seen as a burden. It's an awful childhood.

The problem is you asked him straight away before you even knew him. How did you know he wasn't a liar? How could you trust the word of a man that you barely know and just say grand so, move in, let's have a baby together! Trust is something that is built up over time, you can't just take every fucker at their word, you take the time to make sure that their actions match their words. When it is something so important like a parental figure for your child or an actual parent to a child that time isn't a few weeks, it is years.