AIBU - Partner thinks he doesn’t have to do anything for my son because he’s not his responsibility

[MumOfTwoBeans]

Currently pregnant with my partners baby, I have an 18 month old son from another relationship and I’m worried he will treat this baby differently to my son.

Anybody else ever had this? How should I approach this?

Am I being unreasonable?

I really find this so petty though. He actively chose to move in with a mother and her son, and have another baby with her. He bloody well should be involved and not act like an extra whiny child. 'Well he's not doing it so why should I waaaa'.

If you aren't prepared to look after you partners child absolutely do not move in, let alone impregnate her.

All of this tbh

@brightnesses I agree with @Bananarama21 She is right. How many kids will OP have with unsuitable men before she wakes up? Why is she having children in quick succession without find out if the man she has chosen is suitable or not? Having a child is a big responsibility. She seems to not care and also picks men who are allergic to condoms and want to propagate without a thought.

Because softly softly advice rarely works on people who are so emotionally driven that they hop from one crap man to another. Sometimes it really is best to put things bluntly.

It takes two to tango. OP has way more responsibility to her son than the stepdad does, the buck stops with her here.

It takes two to tango. OP has way more responsibility to her son than the stepdad does, the buck stops with her here.

I know that, it was a bad idea on her part. But that isn't going to change right now, and I certainly don't feel sorry for the boyfriend. Bad situation all round.

@MumOfTwoBeans I do feel sorry for u op and I think a lot of posters on here have never made mistakes and think they are white are than white lol I do think you rushed into this relationship tho as ur son was jst over a year old and u got pregnant 4months in, and at that stage ur new partner and son should not have been introduced in the first place but still, it is what it is. After your 2nd child arrives I do think u should get proper contraception before u leave the hospital ie the jag or rod or whatever. And if it doesn’t work out with this partner and you start dating again I would also be using condoms as you never know what kind of nasty surprises you might end up with.

If he has already decided that he will have zero responsibilty or involvement in the upbringing of your son who he lives with(?) what makes you think he will be a active parent for his own child?

no one ever said "how much of an active parent will you be to your own child if you don't take responsibility for your step children" on a step mother thread 😂😂

For those saying “these things happen”, no, they don’t. People make decisions, a live birth does not “just happen” to competent adults in the UK.

I can’t help but compare people in threads like these with the choices made by my own family and friends, and to despair at the idea that it was just some sort of blind luck at work.

My DH and I and most people who we work with waited into our thirties to have children. We had long-term committed relationships that became marriages, and we had serious discussions about whether and when to start a family, who would do which roles, and how the finances would work.

No, one; literally no-one in our peer group decided to start having multiple children with several different casual boyfriends in their early twenties.

As a result, their children are being brought up in stable, secure family homes, with parents who have a very good chance of remaining together for decades to come, and who know that they have as much financial stability as possible.

he’s never left alone with my son, he lives with us, he works long hours and is out the house for the majority of the day, he leaves when my son is asleep and comes home when my son is asleep

What’s the problem then? You’re around 24/7 and he’s barely ever home. Life must be better for you by not having to work and having your new boyfriend financially supporting you and your son, and another baby, I’m not sure what else you want?

He obviously accepts your son, he’s paying to house, feed and clothe you both.

OP you have the signs that your new boyfriend is not a reliable lifetime partner.
I wouldn't risk wasting any more time, end this relationship on your terms and establish good future boundaries and expectations & support arrangements for the fathers of both children, then take a couple of years getting your family settled and secure before looking for a new partner.

Actually these things do happen. Her having one child and making things work would've ended fine, most likely.
The problem here is the new boyfriend and new pregnancy which is a sticky situation. It was a bad decision, but you being smug about waiting isn't going to change her situation.

No, it sounds like she chose to have the first one young, with another Easter and didn’t bother getting married first.

Trying to pretend that that is not a deliberate choice is not tenable.

My point is, yes, she should've learned from the first time and made things work, single or dating from a distance. That's what is meant by 'these things can happen'. Marriages also breakdown, people don't always be have how we expect.

Going on about waiting til thirties and how great it is is not helpful when it's already happened. That ship has sailed.

Either the bf needs to do more, or they split an op gets support from family.

This is beside the point but I really hate it when people start throwing 'just terminate it' around. What a horrible thing to say to someone who is 20 weeks pregnant! I'm 21 weeks and this baby feels big, kicks all day every day and is a proper little person in there. Just feels quite sick and triggering to throw this kind of language around - it's her baby! Not to say I don't agree that it is not an ideal situation and irresponsible to get pregnant but she's a bit far down the line now..

She still has options at the moment as to whether she wants to continue the pregnancy or not.

Were it to be her decision to not continue she could still try again later once she gets to know her boyfriend better.

She’s not going to have a termination she’s 20 weeks please stop suggesting it, most women don’t terminate that late into a pregnancy.

People are being so judgemental and unhelpful. Yeah, not an ideal situation, but she's in it now and OP has admitted that.
OP, I would sit down with DP and tell him how you feel, that you are worried that he will treat your new baby differently to your son and that could cause further problems down the line. What kind of things are you expecting him to do that he's resenting? Did his behaviour change when you got pregnant?

What are you asking him to do that he doesn't like doing? Changing nappies? Feeding? Playing? As PP said if he's paying for you to be a SAHM to your child, he's already doing a lot.

100%. Put your 18-month-old child first! No decent, responsible man that truly has the best interests of children at heart would have a baby with someone 4 months after meeting them and with such a young one already. I feel so sorry for your son.

@Bejeweled yes indeed these things certainly do happen. More common than ppl think. I was on the jag when I got pregnant with ds2, had the implant in when I got pregnant with ds3 as doctor failed to tell me that the antibiotics I got can stop your contraception working properly. So defo can ‘just happen’. Also forgot we live back in 19 canteen! why does everyone need to be married to have kids. Doesn’t make your relationship more stable. I know more married couples, been together years, have kids then divorced than couples who have been together same length of time unmarried, have children still together 10/20yrs down the line

I’m another one who thinks telling someone to ‘just terminate’ when they’re 5 months pregnant is pretty disgusting.

I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with being blunt or whatever but why continuously come back to comment something negative? It’s not helpful to the OP at all

Ah come on. Posters situation is far from ideal but she can't change the current situation, she's 20 weeks pregnant and the level of judgement and criticism is really harsh here. There are kinder ways of communicating.

OP, I think all you can do is try talking to him about it and see how he reacts. Judge him by how he treats you and your son now and the new baby in time. If he doesn't treat you all right, then you will be better off without him. Make sure you prioritise your children and yourself.

Who are you quoting there?

So what’s the alternative? You break up with this dude, find a new bf and fall pregnant with him asap and wonder why the new dude isn’t dad of the year?