AIBU - Partner thinks he doesn’t have to do anything for my son because he’s not his responsibility

[MumOfTwoBeans]

Currently pregnant with my partners baby, I have an 18 month old son from another relationship and I’m worried he will treat this baby differently to my son.

Anybody else ever had this? How should I approach this?

Am I being unreasonable?

Op your going to be a single parent to two small children with different fathers like sounds very chaotic. It sounds like this relationship is very unstable.

Are you a SAHP or a veterinary nurse? You can't be both.

(I mean that’s awful of both of you, to have chosen to conceive/continue with being pregnant with a virtual stranger, and to both choose to bring your existing baby in to a brand new dating life with zero regard to prioritising the baby, or implementing safeguarding. It’s depressing.)

It’s one or the other, it can’t be both.

when I met my partner I asked him to see my son like his own which he did hang on how quick was this if you'd only known him 4 months before you got pregnant?

You need to slow his relationship with your son right down. You can't expect someone to treat your son as their own son after 4 months.

Good ok. So I would personally live apart from your boyfriend and see how things go.

I’m a SAHM but I did have a career and do have one to go back to when my children are in school

Another huge worry here is that not only did you introduce your new boyfriend to your baby but that you asked him to step into the role of being father, after four months.

Four months!

There has to be something going on here that you aren’t mentioning. No mother would do this, it’s an absolute recipe for the very worst things possible happening to your baby.

I don’t really understand why everyone has a stick up their arse? I asked a basic question and it’s gone on a complete attack of my entire life which none of you have a business in commenting on.

no my situation is not ideal but I’m sure you could have 5 kids and get divorced, life’s hard but it is what it is

there’s no safeguarding issues, he’s never left alone with my son, he lives with us, he works long hours and is out the house for the majority of the day, he leaves when my son is asleep and comes home when my son is asleep —-not that it’s anybodys business

OP yes ppl are being a bit 'mean' but the fact is you were already a mum - doesn't mean you shouldn't date and have a life of your own, but it does mean you should always put your son's interests at the fore. To me that means being very safe with contraception and not even introducing a new man to your son until you are pretty sure of him - ie at least six months or so into a new relationship imo. Let's face it, you've dived in to a situation which could turn into a nightmare for him. I do feel very sorry for your situation, but your son is still a baby and his happiness is at the mercy of your decisions, as his parent.
Having said all that my advice is to tell your new partner the is no middle ground here. He steps up as a parental figure to your son and 100% treats him as such, or your relationship is over. And mean it.

Maybe you should have considered this before getting pregnant

How old are you?5 years is along time on benefits if your not going to be working unless you go part time and pay for childcare. I wouldn't been able to work and pay childcare for two kids on my own. In this current climate it's only going to get worse

I'd get back to work before then if you can, in case things don't work out with your new boyfriend

He was great with my son before I got pregnant...I got pregnant 4 months after meeting him

Look he was playing the "Disney dad" role to your first baby because he'd just met you, was on his best behaviour/ trying to win you over.

Now he has his feet under the table you're seeing his true colours- quite selfish, not prepared to put in the hard work that parenting requires.

It's done now so all I'lll say to you is this;

No you're not unreasonable to feel concerned about how this will affect your first baby, No it's not acceptable or something you should "put up with".

Both your children will be damaged by this man's attitude.
I would lose all respect for a partner who refused to take any responsibility for a child under his roof. He's also throwing it in your face repeatedly that "hes not the dad" Your poor son and What an absolute turn off for you.

I'm sorry you've had some blunt replies. I don't know how you can "fix" this but please don't accept this shit attitude from a man. x

I’m 24

OP I was in a somewhat similar situation even though the kids have the same dad. I’d just stop posting if I were you. No one’s going to offer any sort of advice without tearing apart your decisions. Things happen in life, maybe in hindsight you can look back and see ok you haven’t made the right decisions considering these men.

However I will say, he’s right that your first son isn’t his responsibility but surely he knew you had a son when he met you and got into a relationship with you? The fact that you’re now pregnant with his child, didn’t he consider that he’s now apart of this family whether you like it or not? Or maybe you don’t live together and you’re not in a relationship as your posts aren’t really clear. Just how differently is he wanting to treat your son? He’s the one that really matters in all of this, especially as he’s so young

Have people forgotten about accidental pregnancies? Unless I've missed it, OP doesn't say that they tried for a baby after only a few months, just that she got pregnant after a few months.

OP you say your DP was a good step parent before you got pregnant. TBH going into a new relationship, taking on a toddler almost full time and being expected to treat them as your own, then finding out you are actually going to be a dad, all in less than a year is quite a fucking lot to take!

By 4 months I wouldn't really expect a DP to have met the child let alone be treating them as his own. You've gone so fast throughout this whole thing, so I think it's time you slow down.

Have a conversation with your DP. Ask him why he's pulling back from your current DS and how he feels about the baby. Perhaps he needs to be able to talk this out. Maybe he doesn't feel he's capable of being a dad to two children so he feels like he has to choose (and would obviously choose his own). Have a very open and honest conversation with him, and perhaps the relationship will end as a result, but it's better now than a few years down the line and one of your children being pushed out.

You have a choice though. Introducing someone to your child after 4 months and asking them to see your son as their own is a tough ask of anyone and clearly he doesn't see him as his own son. I wouldn't expect him too after that little time, you can't force a relationship.

How soon did your partner meet your son? This is a very new relationship and it's very early to have even introduced a child to a new partner never mind adding a new baby to the mix. For any child a nee sibling is a huge change, a new partner is even more upsetting for him.

It's done now, so it's down to you to handle it. Prepare to be single again, even if your partner steps up for his child it's unlikely he'll change towards your son. Nor should you expect him to, there are plenty of threads on MN about step children not being the step parents responsibility. But if it creates an unhealthy environment for your older child you need to make him your priority.

Learn a lesson from this and if you find yourself dating again take it slow and keep your children as your priority,

You don't know someone after 4 months that's the safe guarding issue people are saying.

Having said all that my advice is to tell your new partner the is no middle ground here. He steps up as a parental figure to your son and 100% treats him as such, or your relationship is over. And mean it.

This in a nutshell!

Yet another woman with a small vulnerable child who shacks up with a man too soon. OP have you learned nothing? This man is bad news.

But they live together! It's so sad if step dad doesn't love and parent the child as if he was his own : (

You’ve asked him to treat your son as though it’s his own, but you won’t leave him alone with him?

I’m out, this can’t be real.

I agree that 4 months is a quick amount of time for all of this to happen but it’s his reality now. He needs to fix up and not constantly say ‘well he’s not my son,’ ‘he’s not my responsibility’ etc. How unnecessary is that