AIBU - Partner thinks he doesn’t have to do anything for my son because he’s not his responsibility

[MumOfTwoBeans]

Currently pregnant with my partners baby, I have an 18 month old son from another relationship and I’m worried he will treat this baby differently to my son.

Anybody else ever had this? How should I approach this?

Am I being unreasonable?

An adult conversation would certainly help...

I tend to disagree with a lot of the stepmother posts on here where they seem perfectly happy to model their approach on the Disney stepmother design, as I think that you need to try to treat stepchildren and children alike, but the reality is that yes, there’s a chance that he won’t feel the same about another man’s children as he does about his own.

While I think he should be as inclusive as he can, and try to make the home a happy one for everyone, this new baby is his in a way that the other isn’t.

It sounds as though you didn’t have the conversations that you should have before you got married and decided to have a child together, so may need to try to do so now.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect your partner to be/feel exactly the same towards your older son as his own baby. However, it is completely reasonable to expect him to always be kind to your son and not to create a clear division down the middle of your household so that your son becomes aware.

I am guessing you have not been together very long if you have an 18m old by someone else? Has he known your son long? Just asking as it can take years to build a strong bond between step-parent and step-child, it's not something that can be conjured up in a matter of months.

What was he doing before that he's refusing to do now?

That’s standard on here. Stepmothers are expected to make it clear that stepchildren don’t get treated like your own, from not being taken on days out to not getting their own room and not being expected to have as much spent on them.

Stepfathers on the other hand are expected to treat the stepchild as their own, in everything.

In this situation, the problem isn't the 'stepfather'. It's the mother, for not being sufficiently selective about the men in her life. That's not victim-blaming because the mother does have options.

A new partner doesn't have to take on responsibility for a woman's children. Many do, but there is no obligation. And therefore we can choose not to have the 'don't want' men in our lives.

In the situation described by the OP, my options would be:
Early pregnancy - choose termination. I've raised one child as a single parent. I couldn't have managed more. Other people manage well, though!
Later pregnancy - ensure I am living alone with my (soon to be) two children, with no random men coming into the house and no-one there who might ignore either of my babies. Sod that for a lark. Don't hurt any child of mine.

And that's the concise version...😂

Do you live with your DP? Do you plan to?

You have not had time to check out whether your DP is step dad material. Or even Dad material.

You have 18 years + ahead of you making sure your eldest does not feel second best because he is living with a sibling whose Dad is in the family.

In all honesty, given that your DP is being hostile about your Ds before your new baby is even born, I would not live with him.

It's time we all said what we mean. Thank you for your clarity.

What’s the back-story here? How do you already have a new husband and child on the way despite having had a baby so recently?

You seem to have rushed into this very, very quickly despite not having sorted out expectations.

I can’t quite get my head around dating, falling in love, marrying someone and then deciding to have a baby with them all while bringing up a new-born baby.

Extra context might help people to give better advice.

Christ you had a baby still and got pregnant quickly to someone else that's utter madness. He must not have been in your sons life for very long, he is right he's not your sons responsibility I imagine he hasn't had enough time to bond but it's on you for being irresponsible for getting pregnant so quickly in relationship and expecting a family unit.

Good points, well made.

Yet go onto the step mum board and they will insist step mums have it harder than step fathers which I really don’t get as step fathers usually live with the child whereas step mums don’t usually (given that 90% of RP are women) so not only do they live with the child they are expected to raise them as their own and I’ve seen step mums advised to stay in another room when their step child visits, go out when they visit and so on yet they argue they have it harder 🤦🏻 when a step father is living with a child and expected to raise them as their own, provide finically for them and treat them exactly the same as their own child.

I agree with you it's bloody ridiculous

Wow everyone on here is so mean! I’m just looking for advice not criticism.

I’m currently 20 weeks pregnant, I only knew him for about 4 months before getting pregnant, my sons dad left me two weeks after my son was born because he didn’t want the responsibility and he’s incredibly deadbeat.

when I met my partner I asked him to see my son like his own which he did

yeah it was my fault I guess but it takes two to make a baby, I’m naive what can I say. I just wanted a happy family life and thought I’d found the one

I think you’re incredibly irresponsible to rush into having another child so quickly.

its too late now, I’m pregnant so I need to deal with it as it is head on.

What, twice? You learned nothing from the first time you did this?

What on Earth possessed you to decide to have a baby within for months of meeting someone?

How old are you, and do you actually have a career that is going to allow you to bring up two children as a single mother?

And please tell me that you married before doing this.

It seems you haven’t found a happy family
What you have found is another man who more than likely will be another dead beat dad.
Your issue now is what are you going to do?
Do you work? What is your housing situation?

OP. There are no simple fixes here. Your partner is essentially right, your older baby is not his responsibility. But the fact that he has lured you into having another baby with him based on false promises is shitty behaviour.
On this alone I think you need to be prepared for him to make further promises he doesn't keep.
I feel sorry for you and both of your babies. You've been let down and your older baby is not in a great situation here. He potentially is going to grow up, constantly being sidelined in favour of the other child.
You may not be able to change your partners attitude here but you do have a responsibility not to let your kids grow up in a toxic environment.

Lipsandlashes I completely agree!

Op what do you expect people to say your bringing children into an unstable environment first father leaves 2 weeks after your first so then instead of focusing on your baby. You decide to then get pregnant to a man 4 months in. I've been left holding a 1 year old I focused on him i didnt have another relationship until another year passed. I met dh and we didn't have another child until way pass the 3 year mark and been together 12 years.

Jesus, that’s awful, pregnant after dating for weeks and around your existing baby already. It’s highly likely that this brand new boyfriend won’t stick around, so plan for lone parenthood, plan your housing, finances, childcare and implement basic safeguarding for your kids-things like don’t not bring a complete stranger unrelated male in to their home.

I’m a SAHM, I am a veterinary nurse, I drive and I have my own place. My kids are and will be well looked after

If he got together with her to gain access to her young child then he may well want to stick around.

Sadly this is far from unknown, with some men latching onto a vulnerable young mother for the very worst of reasons.